So this entry is kinda significant, and though I'm not sure how to see it through as such, I at least want to make it something that I can post for once, because I've started too many things like this recently just to lose focus partway through and close whatever program without saving.
But this is about positive things anyway.
You could say I'm writing this from a new location.
It's about halfway between Jen's place and work, and mom and dad's house (for less than a month to go at this point) is about halfway between Jen's place and where I am, and where I am is at my own place. For... well, this'll be the third night now.
It's certainly taking some breaking in. I did have some significant developments earlier in the form of getting out a bowl and spoon and opening my milk and cereal in order to have a bowl of cereal for an after-work snack. And I also had a small moment of joy earlier when I bent down at the cupboard under the bathroom sink with a bottle of rubbing alcohol I bought, and found razors. Here I was thinking I'd have to wait until I saw Jen tomorrow to shave!
That said, do you think I have yet?
Why would I do something sensible like that?
It definitely is taking some breaking in though. Other than the aforementioned, I've done practically nothing in the way of putting things away or getting them in order, other than spending ~3 hours here back at the end of March to put away things I had purchased at that point.
There were definitely some emotional bouts to be had getting this far though, mostly just to do with the anxiety of not actually being in the same place as Jen after getting used to that again. I was and still am always wondering about things between us as a whole, but she said that the next few months will probably dictate how things go, and though that could be a worrisome thought in its own right, I try to remind myself that we wouldn't still be the way we are if things weren't good. I hope so, anyway.
Overall though, the worst of anything I've been facing is loss of appetite from stress and anxiety of all the changes, and significant tiredness due to having gotten less sleep than I would've liked the first two nights I was here.
The first day, I had to get up and wait for a technician from Bell to come hook up my phone, and though I intended to have my alarm wake me up at 8, it wasn't loud enough, and I woke up with all of five minutes before there was a knock at the door.
Then, the second day, also known as this morning at this point, I had to get up early and go to work for a "rally" about the promotional item coming in May. I think everybody was expecting some big todo, but all it ended up being was a full-time staff only staff meeting about said item. Excitingly, we all had to make one, with prizes being given away for those which weighed perfectly (6.6oz). We were also told we would get to eat them, so we would know how they tasted, but then I heard somebody else ask Shawn (the GM) if they could leave off the tomatoes, and he told them no. Problem for me is it comes with lettuce in addition to tomatoes, but I went right at it anyway. I marveled at how clumsy some of the newer staff were at dispensing sour cream, and when it came my turn, I just hoped to not be too over-weight. When I reached the other end of line, though, and placed the thing on the scale, I was quite surprised to see the display read "6.6". And that's how I won a "mystery prize", aka. a coupon for a free combo at the KFC up on St. Clair.
Tina also made one that weighed perfectly. I'm really incredibly proud of her, actually. She was always on backups at the old store, and now dishes at the new one, but never on line except for the odd couple orders here and there, then she comes to this meeting, makes a perfect Quesalupa, and wins herself a thermos. Well done, Tina. I hope you enjoy your thermos.
All of that said, I do intend to sleep in tomorrow.
We're all going out to Real Canadian Superstore and probably Walmart later in the afternoon, so there's going to be that, then hanging out with Jen later on, and probably starting the next picture in my connect-the-dots book. I should remind Jen to take a picture of the first one so I can post it here...
I also intend to sleep in, but if I wake up early feeling rested, then I wouldn't mind using the time to put on some music and start going through all the various supplies and whatnot that I've purchased.
It's 4:05 anyway, so I should probably lay down. But then there's that, so maybe I won't just yet.
I should also go out to the fridge and open and smell one of the larger cartons of chocolate milk that's in there. Back on Monday, we went out shopping, and Jen bought me two cartons at Shoppers because they were on sale. When we got back here to drop things off, I did fortunately put the $18 package of boneless chicken I bought in the freezer, but initially thought Jen was going to put the chocolate milk in the fridge, when she only put it down on the floor in front of the fridge, and I didn't think about it until it was too late, so it sat there from ~7:30pm until ~1am.
Jen would cringe, but if it still smells and tastes fine, I'll drink it.
It's probably time to end this though.
Mom gave me her queen size bed, and though it's really nice having a bed this big, it also means I keep non-bed things, such as a bin top that I'm using as a mousepad, or a bottle of water in it, and I need to clear all those things off before I can go to bed.
I'll figure it out eventually.
I'll have to write another update sometime.
For all I know, I may even get back into writing these regularly. That would be cool, but at the same time, I'm not sure.
...as if on cue, I'm starting to get drowsy. I suppose that means it's time...
Interesting enough that I'm writing in here, apparently.
It's been forever, and there are... reasons (internal sigh), but that's nothing more than writer's block at heart.
The new Taco Bell opens tomorrow! This is a pretty big deal, because I've had no luck finding work since the 5 months that it's been, and I would like to have a steady source of income again. I mean, unemployment is great and all, and I could probably work out a way to live, on my own, making only ~$588 every two weeks, but it's not the same as actually having a steady paycheck and making more than the bare minimum. Also, I just need to be part of that sort of environment again. Under other circumstances, I would be sheepish to admit this, but I actually kinda like (?) the busyness, and rush, and finding your rhythm and working with it.
That said, Taco Bell reopens tomorrow, but my first shift isn't until Friday. I am a little disappointed about not being able to work the first day, but there's little I can do about changing that. On the plus side, not working tomorrow means I'll still be able to go get those special donuts from Maple City Bakery, as well as go look for certain things at Dollarama. I would also like to consider going to said newly reopened Taco Bell for some food, but I would want that to be after Tom starts, which isn't until 4. Perhaps something can be worked out?
I suppose it's kind of cool anyway, because just earlier today, Jen was out, and I was wandering through the kitchen to go to the bathroom, talking to myself about how I hoped to be back in work soon. And, though it may cause certain wide smiles to be cast upon me, I also laid upon this very futon (at that time converted into bed form) while Jen was down in the bathroom for her bedtime smoke, and tried to visualize everything that I used to do for just one order in drive thru. Take the order, pour drinks, give order to customer waiting at window, obtain payment from next customer in line, begin taking next customer at speaker's order while making change for customer at window, turn back to almost-filled pops, cap them off, ask customer if they want a tray, inquire about condiments, go to pick up the order, and repeat all again. And I did that with a certain style, and quickness, all with a smile on my face, and it was fun. But listen to me go on here.
In other what-I-guess-could-be-considered-significant news, I'm looking for an apartment right now. It's finally come time, and I've considered many times how nice it will be to finally be to have all of my things in one place again, and to have a home, and be secure as such. Perhaps too fittingly, I've also been thinking - no, reminiscing - on times past alot lately. Directed moreso to myself, but remember what it was like when your room was just your place, and you had everything you needed in there, and you didn't rely on anybody? Do you remember all the times you walked out to Walmart, or Canadian Tire, or even Zellers when they were still open, because you refused to ask for a ride? Do you remember that feeling of independence? Even better, to put the past and work together, do you remember the endless nights you took long ways home from work as exercise? Yeah, Sobeys isn't open 24 hours anymore, and there's only 7-11 in town now, but I'm itching to get back out there again.
At the same time, so this point does not go unacknowledged, I also would like for things between Jen and I to continue, and to be good and positive, and to one day be able to kiss her goodbye when I'm over before I leave for work, and to have her as that special person in my life again, and her me. Having said that, things between us are... strange? Yeah, let's go with that. They just are what they are, and I would hazard that neither of us knows what the other may be thinking about everything, but at the same time, I feel like they're alright.
...and on that note, is everybody ready for vagueness?
There's a place out at the end of town near Walmart that has many tasty things. Both Jen and I have made numerous comments about wanting to go back there for supper, and I had kinda a thought in mind. There's also another place out that way that Jen wants to go back to. We went there once, and it was kinda weird, but also alright, if that makes sense. What I want to do is, within the month, go to this place, purchase two things for myself. One makes all sorts of merry noises when held against flat surfaces, and especially annoyed Jen when I held it up to the bathroom door at the apartment, and the other, the same type as one of the things that Jen wants to look for. And on top of that, pending a change in situation in the future, I would want to coordinate with Jen to give her money or just make arrangements for when either of two friends comes to town to visit. Thus, my thought was to go to the second place, possibly browse through Real Canadian Superstore and Dollarama if we have time, then go to that first place for a nice supper.
...I wish I was better at talking about this type of stuff. I really do. At the same time, for certain things, it's coming to the point that I find myself really wanting to be able to write about it somewhere. It's all coming into focus slowly, and that paragraph up there will surely be the start, but that's all I've got so far.
...and now, I think I need to go to the bathroom, then sit and ponder where my uniform pants are just in case the ones I get on Friday don't fit properly.
Honestly, much as I want to write about recent events, I'm almost tempted to say that what's happened has happened, and to just stop trying to hold onto everything for my mind's benefit. That said, to at least give this a try, for I feel that if I were able to get properly focused, I could do pretty well, current circumstances.
I am sitting on the couch in the living room, at home. I'm feeling slightly hazy-minded, and generally a little unsettled because I wasn't feeling well overall when I woke up today, and my plans for the afternoon are thus: write this, however long it takes, take care of necessary things in Flight Rising, submit a general online job application to Sobeys, clean up the immediate area and the bedroom upstairs, possibly get up to activities requiring of the door to be locked, possibly mow Jen's mom's grass, go out to Giant Tiger for chocolate ice cream, have a shower, and sit to do whatever and await Jen's return home.
She's gone out to a wedding today - Jennah's, to be specific - and though we have plans for apple sauce and tomato soup later, I'm left here to entertain myself until she gets home. The ice cream, provided I buy it, will be for smoothies too, and then there's certain... vegetable-y type stuff, and more Geometry Dash and IT Crowd and whatnot, because we've been quite getting into that lately. I even got the second coin in Time Machine within two tries! But in the meantime, I find myself feeling slightly out-of-place, and generally without that comfortable environment with another person nearby. Dad's out doing something in the dining room, so I guess he's there, but that's different, right?
...I wonder if it's ever really going to hit me, or if I'm still just not able to realize the actual ramifications in my current state of mind. It's Saturday, right? This time last week, we were open for business. Right now, however, drive on by Taco Bell, and you're going to be waiting a good half a year to be served. It's weird to actually think about how I have all these plans through to later tonight on a Saturday. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't nice, in a way, just for the break and relaxation, but something in the back of my mind does know that I should be working, and that past next Thursday, and the possibility of unemployment, I am going to need to find a job if I am to keep earning money. I was previously looking at a really nice position for Real Canadian Superstore. Four shifts a week, at 8.5 hours each, weekends mandatory, from 10pm to 6:30am. Good hours, decent walk to lose some weight, and it's something not directly related to customer service, right? Unhelpfully, the listing expired or was filled before we closed, and I'd wanted to wait until we closed to apply. There's a daytime position for a cashier out there, so should I apply for that, and if I get an interview, specify that I'm also available to work nights? I don't know yet, but one way or the other for now, it's still beyond impossible to believe that the 10 year journey (I was about to type "adventure", but that would only recently be correct) of Taco Bell is over. My first job. The one I hated at the beginning, but came to excel at with time. The one that I took from its rough beginnings and turned into something that some people knew me for. It's a hard thing to process, but I know for sure what I want with a new job is to start with something that isn't entirely comfortable, and with time and effort, become used to it. Jen would appreciate me humorously stating that I should apply out at the fabric store, or maybe One Stop Party Shop, since those would both be interesting experiences.
Nevertheless, work is over with. Perhaps later, if the mood is right, and Jen doesn't mind the thought of a lay and talk, I might like to think back to what things were like when I started there. How I literally got the job at his recommendation to Earl, and our random stop in there on our way out to EB Games. Just the simple lack of familiarity in the entire process, of going in and discussing my first shift, to stepping out and continuing on the way with Josh remarking "So you just got a job! How does it feel?". So much has happened then though. I literally became who I am today in the time I worked at Taco Bell. Meeting Squnq and having him come all the way from Hamilton to take me to London for the furmeet there happened while I was working there, and I remember that because we'd stopped at Arbys within the night, and he asked me something to do with it. I started losing weight when I met Cola, and the opportunity was presented for me to go to London again. I planned a couple furmeets here, and experienced one of the first memorable episodes of completely stopping talking to people. I met Dan once I had a good handle on things at work, and over the course of a couple years, went up to meet him more times than I can count. Then Jen and I met, and even while work was still open, everything that happened for us over the years took its course. We had a lot of good times, but also some bad ones, and things didn't turn out so well. Now they're somewhat back again, which is a topic that confuses me a fair bit, but there's something a little random I should mention first.
I've been thinking about the pant legs and all of that more often than normal lately. Usually it's later at night, and I'm just sitting and doing whatever, and the thought will flash through my mind about how they were whole before she got to them, and as if it wasn't bad enough that she had to cut the zipper off, she also had to cut off a separate piece to be able to cut the pawprint shapes out of. And it really bugs me, because the rational side of my brain knows it should be preferable to use whatever item unconventionally than to discard it outright, but the emotional side still feels a lesser version of the same way it used to. I want to sit and discuss and dissect the problem in all its gory detail, but then I pull myself out of that way of thinking, and ask myself what I can do to move away from the problem in a different way than before. Acknowledge that what happened then still hurts, and though it was the beginning of the end as far as our past relationship goes, I don't want not being able to let go of the past to ruin whatever is going to happen for us in the future. I almost legitimately want to go for a late-night walk with her one night, small shovel in pocket, find an out-of-the-way area underneath a tree or something, and bury them in the ground right there. I made plenty of mistakes of my own before, so it's not right to frequently feel negatively toward her for something long past and long discussed when she's presumably trying to leave the past in the past herself. We already had the discussion about things that will not be touched for craft purposes anyway. It's just so annoying because spending time with her over the past days has been great, and as I remarked to her earlier today, it was almost like the way things used to be. It did come up the other night, though, I suppose. I had wrapped some of her birthday gifts in pawprint wrapping paper, and had brought along a scrap piece of the paper so the pawprints could be cut out and used in either our scrapbook or the ones we each both have one of now. That was in the kitchen, and whilst walking back and forth, I commented that I'd just had a negative thought from the past, which had to do with pawprints. I don't know. I say this to Jen, and to anybody else reading: I still have a hard time getting stuck in and reliving a negative past event by remembering it. The emotions usually don't come back as strong, but they come back nonetheless, and it's the reason my mood can sometimes go from energetic and upbeat to sullen and off with no apparent cause.
The other night, we had a bit of a thing where it was ~7:30 in the morning, and she was suggesting the idea of me going home for the night, because she had to watch Mikey the next morning. I was sitting / laying in her computer chair at the time, just relaxing, and though what she said did not directly hurt me, it still set off that chain reaction. Thoughts about going home versus laying down next to her, and about how I wouldn't mind sleeping on the floor so she could still smoke out the window, but that it wouldn't be my place to say that, and... generally I got into this mildly emotional lump, with no available course of action seeming any more appealing than the others. She clued in at some point and guessed at pretty much exactly what I was feeling, and nothing really happened. I would later find out that she sat there for the entire time feeling worse and worse because she knew I was feeling off, but wasn't saying anything, while I was just sitting there going over the same series of consierations again and again. A comment was made about how she should be able to smoke in her bedroom, and just randomly after that, she relented. She actually insisted that I stay, despite my offering to still go home, and... that was the end of it. The incident did lead to two positives, being to try and say what's on my mind if I do find myself mulling over the same thing constantly, and for two, to actually say so if I want something, because otherwise, she's never going to know, and I'll still want it, and become more and more off that I'm not getting it. Later tonight, for example. I loaned her some money to take to the wedding, because she wouldn't have had any money otherwise. I offered that she could start to pay me back by making me a Swedish Berry shot, because she mentioned them back on her birthday, and we never quite got there.
She really enjoyed her gift hunt on Wednesday night, though unfortunately, the video will never be seen by anybody else, because of an unfortunate detail some minutes in that we overlooked. Thursday - the day we celebrated her birthday - didn't end up going quite as I hoped it would, but it was still fun. I anticipated having money from Orlando and Brandon to work with, but they both had things come up, so both new destinations had to be crossed off the list, and hardly any money was spent, except for supper. We ended up not watching a movie in bed after all, instead, sitting up at the computer for a couple episodes of IT Crowd, which were still fun (the "I'm disabled!" one we watched last night was great), and still had chicken wings about ten minutes before Pizza Tonite closed, but nowhere near the munchy extravaganza I was picturing. I think for both of our sakes we need to stop that though. I enjoyed my virtually limitless supply of Tootsie Rolls, as she noticed from the evidence in the garbage, but snacking just for the sake of being hungry with no control does sadly not work. Going on adventures as we have been doing is quite fun, and for me, I seem to end up washing the dishes about half the time I go on one, but constant eating cannot continue. That said, supper out on Thursday was nice, and though I'm still surprised at passing on a Doughcano, I'm equally surprised at casually ordering an alcoholic drink. It was quite tasty, but gave me a brain freeze, so that was a little obnoxious.
I actually thought quite a bit about what to do with today when we were getting ourselves ready. My first thought was to help Jen's mom get her grass done, but I'm waiting for a bit in hopes that it dries enough to be cut with the electric mower. After that, I knew I should look into job postings some more, and just send my resume to Sobeys, but one of the other recurring thoughts was to go on 7 Cups of Tea and talk to somebody. It's not that things have been going badly in any way, but for everything that's happened with work closing and with nothing left that I once held onto as far as familiarity, I would like to see what somebody else has to say. But I want a complete stranger's opinion. Somebody who doesn't know me, or my life, whom I can tell about it, and see what they think.
But not today.
The premise is interesting, and indeed, for the various details of some things, it would be interesting to have another person's perspective, but that can be an idea for another time. For now, I believe strongly enough that to try and draw meaning from what's been going on is akin to thinking about it too much. At least that's some improvement compared to before.
Now, I'm going to bide my time for a little bit, send Jen a message in Skype, make some toast with margarine and Nutella, and see about cleaning up. Sounds like a good course of action~
For the first time in a couple days, I have done everything there is to be done in Flight Rising, pending looking into the Coliseum, because I've been thinking about that more again lately.
So why haven't I gotten to it? Other priorities, mostly. Everything since about Saturday night after work is just a blur, and if I had to guess why I've been feeling kind of off lately, it's because of that deviation from routine, not having anything concrete to focus on other than work to break up the day, and other general lapses in memory from things that have been going on.
Jen and I have been seeing each other a lot lately. Going back to Saturday, I saw her in the afternoon because she kept going on about lasagna in Skype, and I decided it would be fun to go to Giant Tiger and buy her a frozen lasagna so she could be satisfied. After work the same night - I got done early - we talked for a bit more online, and I ended up going over there to have supper with her. Lasagna and garlic bread, which was really quite tasty, especially when she showed me her idea to make a sandwich, which was even better. We saw each other again on Sunday, for just a general hangout night, but when we finally started noticing the time, it was after 6am, and she deliberated for a bit before pretty much saying what the hell to me staying the night. We obviously saw each other on Monday, because I was still there in the morning, and I think after work that night, I just stayed here and did whatever, though there's a very good possibility we hung out for a bit longer.
So in other news, thirteen days and counting. The new schedule was up at work last night, and shows that September 1st is the last day we'll be open, and also the day on which cleaning the place out will begin. Unfortunately, I have the day off, despite my request to work it, but when I looked at the schedule more closely, I came to wonder if I may not prefer things just the way they are. Monday is the last day that we'll be open and serving customers, and my last scheduled shift is Sunday. Orlando also closes on Sunday, but not on Monday. So do I want my last shift to be with Orlando, or do I want to ask Tom about switching shifts with him earlier in the week, and closing with Sara on Monday, so I can truly have the experience of telling that last person "Have a good night!" and closing the drive thru window for once and for all. It's a dilemma, but more than anything, with just less than two weeks to go, now is when I need to start looking for a new job. Because despite shock from nearly everybody who I've told or who has heard that I'm not returning to Taco Bell, I'm not. It's a fine job, but I want something new. I want to look back in another ten years and see myself having started out knowing barely anything, to just being that guy who people come to for answers, and who has that comfortable handle on the job. I keep thinking about Giant Tiger, very possibly because I've been shopping there alot lately...
... ... ...
I'm just going to end this here, because I've gotten sidetracked looking at job listings online, and talking to Jen... This one for Real Canadian Superstore looks decent, anyway...
There's something almost unpleasant about coming downstairs and seeing unfinished reminders of the night before. In today's case, it's a couple bits of garbage from Tim Hortons, my work bag still sitting on the chair over there instead of being upstairs, and all of my things being pushed to one side of the couch, when I decided that what I really wanted to do was to lay down, and ended up passing out right there until sometime around 5 in the morning.
I had started to write, be it to be posted as an entry in here, or to show Jen just on her own, or to find somewhere else to put it and send her a link to about recent events. And since I still have it written out, I'm going to just include it in here, and see what my mind in a more properly functioning state of mind makes of it. First, though, some background information about the past few days.
On Wednesday night after work, I came home, feeling pretty tired and worn out, and was figuring on just talking to Jen for a bit in Skype before calling it a night, and going to lay down. She ended up more or less inviting me over, saying that the invitation was there, but it was up to me. Her vision of the night was for us to hang out for a bit, have something to eat, and for me to head back home after that. I liked the idea of hanging out, but I was pretty full, and pretty tired, so I wasn't much up for the idea of doing anything, and even declined at first, but the more I sat there, and the more I thought about how I didn't have to eat anything, and really could just sit there and enjoy her company if that's all I wanted to do, then that's all I had to do, and if I found myself getting too tired to keep my eyes awake, I could say so, and we could call it a night then and there. So I went over. I grabbed the doodles that I've been working on, and a margarine tub for of cookies to have as nibbly things, and off I went.
What, normally, would have been a couple hours hanging out turned into the rest of the night, and pretty well all of the next day, right up until ~9pm, and that's where what I was writing last night comes in. It's unfinished, and I'm not about to go through and change all approximate time references, so just keep in mind that when I say "last night" and such, it refers to Wednesday night, after work:
Looking back at things since Friday night, we've been talking alot. For a little bit every morning, then more once she's gotten Conner up for the day, and sometimes even after work, if we're both awake. It's been exciting and fun and our conversations have generally been pretty fast-paced, but last night was the first night that didn't happen. We chatted for a bit, and I told her about things I would eventually like to be able to do together, and we both talked about how we were feeling, but the same spark just wasn't there. As I already wrote yesterday, I started writing, at the same time as I was listening to music, then I found myself just really wanting to lay down, so I did, and passed out pretty well until Adam woke me up coming down the stairs to get ready for work. Went upstairs after that, and laid down properly, which pretty well brings us up to now.
How do I let go of the vague notion of us getting back together? How do I not take very hesitant thoughts she reveals and latch onto them, even if I'm not meaning to? How do I be strong enough in myself to tell her "You would make me the happiest person in the world", and still be okay with us just being friends? How do I once again set my feelings for her aside, and fully recognize and appreciate that she still wants to be strong for herself first, and to try to not - again, not deliberately - see the tiniest crack in her aura of independence and wiggle my own feelings in there?
To be blunt, I hope, and I would be overjoyed if the day came where Jen and I were more than friends again. I would be absolutely freaking ecstatic, and I would cry tears of pure joy, and I'd probably end up staying awake for at least a day and a half riding that high, but... it can't be. It can't be, it can't be, it can't be. Even if, to her mind, it could be, I need to tell myself that it can't be, because thinking anything else is unfair to either one, or both of us.
Toward the idea I described in the LJ-cut above about wanting to one day find that other person whom I love, and who loves me, to just lay out and relax like that and snuggle with, yeah, I absolutely want for that to happen. I get quite giddy at the thought, because it sounds so beyond perfect that I don't even know the words to describe it.
But that shouldn't be all I want in a relationship, and it's not. Being able to lay out like that and hold the other person close is to share something incredibly personal, just like it was for say, the first time Jen and I were doing things, and I blew up a balloon. I do want to share it, but because that idea is still so new and fresh in my head, it's hard to just let go of.
I do want to lay out like that again. I want to just get comfortable and for the only thing that matters within that moment to be feeling comfortable, but though it may be hard, I need to accept that for now, that's something that will happen on my own. I'm glad to know that our hanging out can continue, just as I'm glad to know that, on Tuesday, I can bring one of my unused clear storage containers over, to keep a pair of comfy pants to always have there in, as well as chocolate and other snacky things for when the mood strikes, but... the desire for more is still there. While it's been surprisingly easy to go back to occasionally giving her a hug, and then always telling her "Bye bye for now", I still feel like I'm forgetting to say one thing, and do one other thing at the same time. Force of habit is a hard thing to break, I guess.
I could sit here and be all slightly wistful for the rest of the afternoon though.
What needs to happen for today is...
I need to accept that this is where I am in life right now. That I have wants, and maybe even Jen has wants, but this is where we are, and trying to hope for or encourage anything else to happen is going to aggravate what was previously a decently pleasant situation.
I need to get on with my day, obviously via Flight Rising, and watching things on Youtube.
I need to consider if I want to take care of errands this afternoon before work or wait until Monday and Tuesday afternoon.
And most importantly, I need to just feel alright. If I'm not in the mood to talk when Jen wakes up and messages me in Skype, then I don't need to, but knowing her, she's going to read this, and we'll end up talking anyway, because we're still just like that, and seriously, for as long as we're even just friends, I want to be like that, where we still talk about what's important to the other person.
...so I'm having this problem... One I thought I would never have, especially in light of recent developments...
I want to write. There are a fair few things I want to write about, however...
The main one, and thereby also the one I want to start with is something that I categorically cannot write about. Suffice it to say, though, this summer - from late May to the end of September, as I've been saying - has had one additional unexpected personal change for me. Something that I never would have seen happening in a million years, even during the two months when Jen and I couldn't talk, but it's largely on account of the same thing that we were able to have the talk we did that gave us firm, sturdy ground on which to have a fresh start, and a new beginning. A new beginning as friends, just to say it, but I feel like it's exactly what we both needed, and still need. To be able to leave the past in the past, and go back to those memories only as the intermingling of our current lives demands.
So that's a thing, but what about the others?
Yesterday was a particularly good day. From shortly after I woke up until laying down in bed to falling asleep again, it was a productive, enjoyable, and interesting day, for the following reasons:
a. Mowing Jen's mom's grass to help her out, in record time. An hour and a half compared to Jen's two, and to her mom's 4-6 b. Hanging out with Jen in an impromptu fashion, to enjoy a certain time-based event, all the way up until I had to leave for work c. Going to work feeling different (mostly better than normal) to work my first shift with Orlando since his vacation d. Telling him about specific things of interest that happened while he was away e. Doodling again when I went out on break - it's become quite fun to show Jen what I happen to sketch on a given night f. Getting to close with somebody other than Michelle. She's a fine worker when she has a proper staff, but on nights, her slowness is pretty evident. Thus, despite still having plenty of dishes to wash, I -enjoyed- them for closing with Orlando instead of her g. Talking to Orlando more on the way home about things, from Sunday the 2nd right up until the night we were on our way home from h. Chatting with Jen in Skype for at least three hours. We were both extremely hungry, and may have been teasing each other with various food suggestions that wouldn't be available because of the time i. Slept for a very relaxing, long-awaited, but still short five hours
...and today, past work on Flight Rising and waiting while Jen went out to run errands with her mom has also been entirely spent hanging out, even though that wasn't the plan. For today, it was because Will was in town, and I wanted to see him again too, but otherwise, our agreement was that we'd see each other only once every two weeks, and have the rest of the time to work on ourselves and take care of our own individual things. I brought that up last night, and she just commented "That's just how friends work. Nothing has to be set in stone, just agreed on", so that's cool. To know that we could randomly just be chatting one afternoon when I have to start at 5, and she could make the same offer she did before, which was that I could just come hang out for 20 minutes if I wanted. That afternoon, I got up and started to get myself ready not five seconds after she made the offer, so I still don't think I need any convincing.
But now there's an obnoxious thing, being that I'm getting more and more tired. I don't know if I am legitimately tired or something else, but it's not even 2 in the morning, and I'm considering just going to sleep... I know it would be really nice and feel really good to lay down though, so I'm tempted... Maybe five hours of sleep wasn't quite enough, even though I woke up at 10 feeling quite certain that I was ready to start the day...
...I suppose I just will, because otherwise, the rest of the night is going to be me just sitting, staring blankly at my laptop as I just did for a good five minutes solid, and possibly having Jen message me again if and when she's back at her computer. First, though, a link to a video she showed me the other day that I've come to really like: Storm, by Tim Minchin. There's an animated short too, found here, but for myself, I think I prefer the live version, because he's much more emotive and into it there.
Having said that, though, I am off to lay down. Why must bed seem so far away...
For the fact that the reason why I feel interesting happened several hours ago, I feel like the sensation largely should have passed, but it's kind of a giddiness, in a way. Of something new, and different, but I don't want to say what it is in here, because there's only one other person period who knows what I'm referring to, so I'll shut up on that topic now.
It's still been an interesting night. And an interesting afternoon.
I look back on what I've written of this entry a couple hours later, and I still want to post it, but I'm not sure where I was going before, or how to come to a conclusion.
When I left Jen's place tonight, I figured she would be heading to bed after talking with Audra, and that we'd have to wait until tomorrow to talk again, at earliest. To my surprise, I received a message from her at ~1am, and we talked, almost all the way up until 4. We talked about the night in general, and there was alot of giddiness present for what happened for me, and for her, and for both of us, and we were more positive than we've ever been since we met up on Sunday. I even told her that, talking to her in that moment, I felt better about things than ever before, from Sunday until now, and she had the same, which is just... so amazing that I don't even know how to say it. I know I'm supposed to worry about myself first, and I know I should leave her be with her own things, but to go from crying and being emotional because we thought we were going to lose each other as friends to our friendship starting down a whole different, much stronger path because of the events of the night is not something I expected, and for her to say that she was feeling better than she ever had been before herself almost made me cry with happiness.
By all rights, she should be upset with me for deciding I'd just invite myself over to give her a hug, but she was also agreeing that she liked the way the night ended up. The night ended up the way it did because of what we did together, which is the difficult part, because I want to be able to say, especially because putting it that way could cause one's mind to wander, and I'm overjoyed that she's happier to have unexpectedly hung out for a bit today.
I am repeating myself now though, so I should just post this. To LJ-cut or not to LJ-cut? I suppose I will this time, since I didn't previously. Now where would be a good place to put it?
When I woke up this morning, the day in my head was laid out roughly as follows:
~ Properly work on Flight Rising for the first time in a couple days ~ Get a call from Jen when she was heading out with her mom ~ Go out to do my own running around ~ Back at home, wait to hear from Jen again, to say she was at home and ready for me to come over ~ Go over there to enjoy as normal a night as possible of weirdo things
It's currently quarter to 7 in the evening, and I can cross the first one off my list. The others? Things... have taken some unfortunate turns.
For one, when Jen woke up, she said she wasn't feeling that great. The stress and related factors across everything since Sunday were really starting to get to her, and I, sending where the conversation was going, commented that I was starting to worry that we wouldn't be able to hang out.
Enter stressor #1. An email from a worker of hers, saying to give her a call between 3 and 7pm, about the half door to Conner's room, and board blocking his door. Neither of us liked the sound of that, and sure enough, when 3:00 came and she was able to make the call, it was pretty much what we'd feared. At the time, they weren't sure about the board in his window, but were demanding that the sliding lock on his half door be removed.
Enter stressor #2. Both of us getting all kinds of worked up and upset and pissed off over that. Anybody else might ask me why I was getting so emotionally involved, and the best answer I can give is that that's how much I care about her. I care about her so much that when something bad or unfortunate happens in her life, it hurts me, too. I've used swears in these entries recently, but infrequently, mostly for emphasis, however, a cursory check of our chat history from that part of the conversation will reveal quite a few "fuck"s and similar on my part. I was not pleased, and when she asked what she'd done to deserve it, stating that she's always tried to do the right thing in every situation, I felt so absolutely, overwhelmingly powerless that I thought I was going to freak out.
Enter stressor #3. Another call, possibly from the same worker. They'd come to a decision about the board in his window, which was that it should be removed. Helpfully, said worker will be bringing her alarms to install tomorrow, and also offered that, since Jen had been so cooperative, more drastic measures wouldn't be taken. Cue both of us getting upset again, with me experiencing the same powerlessness and feeling of wanting to help but not being able to do anything as before. I continued on with my tirade though, which evidently didn't help.
Enter stressor #4. Me, presumably. Whilst I was still being all kinds of upset, she had apparently found some way to shove her emotions to the side, and do what needed to be done. I thought she had gone downstairs to take care of things right at that moment, so I continued typing away, then received a "Listen", and "I really need to get this shit done" from her.
I feel like inside of a couple hours, I've completely jeopardized our entire friendship. I've proven myself too emotionally attached to let Jen ultimately deal with her problems on her own, just as I have proven myself too emotionally unstable to no longer be able to assess a situation in a level, controlled fashion. I think back to how the conversation would have gone when we were friends before, and I sure wouldn't have been happy about it, but instead of flying off the handle right alongside her, I'd have tried to keep a level head, and tried to emphasize that even if it wasn't desirable that she have to have alarms instead of locking Conner in his room at night, there was nothing much to be done other than run a risk that neither of us want to see happen, and... here's my problem. Or rather there it is right there...
All of this "us" and "we" stuff. I still care about her very deeply. I still care about her so deeply that I genuinely still love her. Be that as it may, though, I need to look at things as they are, in a very practical way, and realize the only way I'm going to be happy, and she's going to be happy, is take a step back, accept that we're just friends, and most importantly accept that though I still care about her, I have to leave her life to her. It wouldn't be the same if she didn't talk to me about her life, just like I still want to talk to her about mine - to date, she's the only one who has seen pictures of my packaged-up bunny - but being so invested to the point where it's like we are still together is something I can't do. I want to be a part of her life. I want to be able to continue to do things to surprise her like back on Tuesday night when I went to Giant Tiger for a box of cat litter that I left on her back porch, and I want to have a day where we can hang out and still do the weirdo and crafty things we were originally planning tonight, but I need to be okay with leaving her alone in the meantime. Just because we can see and talk to each other again doesn't mean my every waking moment should revolve around her. She may well have a major change in her lifestyle coming up, with the new possibility of being awoken by an alarm at night, and she has everything related to going through her belongings and packing stuff up for the sake of getting sprayed again for bedbugs, and Conner going back to school next month, and probably plenty of other stuff, and if there's one thing that belies, it's that I can't go on with expecting that because my days still revolve around her, hers still revolve around me.
But I'm losing my focus now...
I just regret everything about today. I still want to find something productive to do with it, for myself, but even though it's only now 10 after 7, I want to lay down, and sleep and sleep and sleep. I sent her some messages in Skype that were largely a result of talking to Naomi and Dad, and added that I'd still be here on and off throughout the night if she wanted to talk, but after the day she's had, I would not be at all surprised if she just wants to give up and turn in early too.
It just still enrages me so much to think about that decision she has to just accept and deal with or else. If she had to take the lock off his door today, but won't be receiving alarms until tomorrow, what is she supposed to do? Stay up all night to keep an eye on him? I mean... Will somebody please tell me how, even as a friend, *I* am supposed to just be able to say "Oh I'm sorry to hear that good luck with everything"? I care about her, and I worry that as a result of things that have to change, her lifestyle will change in return. I am absolutely not concerned with how that will affect me, but how it's going to affect her, because... I just don't know.
I think the best I can do for now is just try to distract myself, which might as well begin with going downstairs to see what everybody else is having for supper. I honestly don't want to, but I know it needs to happen...
I'd actually not planned on writing in here today. After spending yesterday with Jen, and the way things ended, I wanted nothing more than to lay down in bed, cry myself to sleep, and not wake up until late in the afternoon.
The day did go extremely well overall, and it was honestly beyond incredibly great to be able to see her and talk to her and touch her and interact with her again, but just... I let her go. I wrote that friends-only entry where I let her go. I stood by that and felt better for it from the entire time between when I posted the thing and yesterday, when we saw each other.
But to actually see her again. And to touch her. And to hug her and get emotional together. And to lay in bed while she read through the memory book I gave her, brushing my fingers through her hair lightly, and laying right in against her, almost as if snuggling just threw ALL the letting her go out the window. At one point, when we were both emotional about something or another I'd written in the book, she was laying face-down on my leg, and I had my face down on her head, and I just told her "I want to do this, because it feels right, so I'm going to just do it", and I kissed the top of her head.
When we were standing out on the porch so she could have a cigarette while it was raining, we were talking about fabric, and some of the uncomfortable things I want to have a proper talk about eventually, and she took my hands, and we looked each other in the eyes really intently, and she said something, very quietly. I swear, I thought I heard her say "I love you", and I felt a sudden, brief spike of overwhelming joy as she smiled and nodded her head silently, but I asked her to repeat herself just because I wasn't sure what she'd said, and it turns out her actual words were "I'm proud of you". Which is still incredibly meaningful, but quite different than what I thought I heard.
When it was almost time for me to leave, she was giving Conner a bum change, and I was telling her about how I truly, 100% felt like the one thing I wanted out of life was to be with somebody who made me happy and who I could make happy, and she responded, asking if I remembered what the one thing she told me before that she's always wanted was. I hesitated for a moment, trying to remember, and just as I was starting to speak, she said "Love".
... ... ...
I lost it. In that instant, my mind flashed to the two and a half years we spent together, and wondered what they all amounted to for her. I started crying on the spot, and she got incredibly concerned, pausing mid-bum change getting worked up herself, telling me she hadn't meant it like that. I attempted to calm myself down, and told her I knew she hadn't meant it in that way, but to be completely honest, for her to have said that still hurts, really really bad. I loved you for the entire two and a half years we were together, Jen. I know it may not have seemed like it with all the problems we had because of how I am, but I did, and the part that really sucks, looking forward to the future, is that I still do. Looking back to last night, I wish I hadn't outright told her that I understood she didn't mean it that way, because it makes eventually having to tell her that I am quite bothered even more difficult, but... no.
No. No. No. No. No.
I refuse to hide my true feelings from her, or anybody else. I still want an apology from her for smoking around my things, because that's a topic that started to come up last night, but was never really fully addressed. It sucks in the context of both of us wanting love to have told her that I know she didn't mean it that way, and to have every intention to tell her the next time we talk that those few words hurt me quite deeply, but I need to be true to myself before anybody else. I'm actually kind of let down that for all I did for her yesterday - the literal almost two months worth of stuff I've been working on to surprise her with and to show her how much she means to me, even just as a friend - she had nothing in return. I was proven correct on two out of my three assumptions about things she'd have changed about herself - she lost weight, and had her hair cut - but just... it brings me back to all the things we talked about when we were a couple before too. In the past, we talked once about her wanting to get her hair cut, and I told her in some way that I would like the part that she had cut off, because I'm weird like that. Such as it is, she has that part in a bag somewhere set aside for donation, and I completely understand and am okay with that. But then another such topic is a camo backpack she had that she was using for her own personal things, that became pretty worn out, which she wanted to replace. She offered it to me, being camo and all, and I accepted. Where did I see it yesterday? Sitting in a corner in the kitchen, presumably with the intent to be kept by herself. In all honesty, it's just a backpack, and if she wants to keep it, that's just as well, because all I would do is put it in storage and keep it as a strong memory of her, but it's just something else that's changed, and instead of not wanting to rock the boat, so to speak, I'm going to start by writing about such things in here, and see where that goes.
Her plans for today are uncertain in such a way that she couldn't say for sure whether or not we'd be able to hang out. She plans to go out to get groceries, and to do all this usual running around, and just hearing her talk about everything, it felt so very... wrong to feel excluded, when grocery shopping and any other errands were generally always things we went out to do before. I do fully understand why I can't go with them, but say, for example, that last night over supper, she told me about how Walmart has camo notebooks in various colors for $1, that she was sure I would like. In the past, me wanting to go out to Walmart to get those would just necessitate a bit of extra driving. And now, it's like the idea of even going to the fabric store and other places where I want significant personal change-related events to happen are largely out of the question, until she herself feels that she actually has the time for it.
I can't do this. I can't continue to have my life revolve around her, but as I was trying to express, through tears, when it was getting close to time for me to leave last night, without somebody there for my life to revolve around, I feel like it has no meaning. She reasonably offered the advice that my life should revolve around me, but it doesn't. Unless I have things to do, or plans for the day, I just sit here, without purpose. In a different way, I just want to be done. I want things to be like they were before again, be it with Jen or somebody else, where I can come home after a long day or night at work, and see that other person who means the world to me, and for just that simple event to brighten my day. I want to feel genuinely wanted and needed again, not in the sense of doing things here like cutting the grass and washing dishes once a week, because those are obligations, but like just existing in somebody else's like makes a positive difference to them, and makes them happier as well.
I want to feel happy again, and for the first time in two months, I felt happy yesterday. To see Jen, and surprise her with being a cat mechanic. To wheel the incredibly heavy wagon of stuff over - 72 bottles of pop, among other things - and to give her a big hug, and to start getting emotional when we hadn't even been physically together again for more than ten minutes...
To go out to Glitters for supper, and slowly but surely give her everything that I'd been working on...
For her to open the wood box that I hand-painted, and open the memory book inside, and start to tear up, reading the final entry at my recommendation. Yes, we were getting emotional in Glitters. She didn't want to smudge her make-up, but I think just accepted that past a point, and for me, I just didn't care. The young, beautiful woman sitting on the other side of the table was the most important thing in the room - in the city - in the country - hell, the entire WORLD - and her being there made any other concerns that I ever could have had just vanish away.
The way we actually walked back to her place, through the wind and lightning, then went upstairs, where we got to more things. She read the rest of the entries in the little book, and we both got plenty emotional. At one point, she sat up and motioned for me to sit up too, so we could give each other a hug, and just... that. To hug her, and be hugged in return, and to feel her place her hand gently on my back... I could literally feel the anxiety and panic of two months being separated, and panic and anxiety over everything else just melting away.
But that can't happen.
To be quite blunt, it fucks with me way too much. To touch her and hold her and be physically close to her - lovingly, I want to add - is just too much. It's exactly what I want to happen, because of how much better I feel, but for the consequences, it's exactly what can't happen. And I'm truly terrified to be writing this, because it's the truth, and I don't want to hide it because of that, but I know now that she'll read this entry eventually, and when she gets to this part, she'll be that much more reluctant to allow or engage in such physical contact, for knowing how it affects me. Without physical contact though, I feel like a walking bundle of nerves, that almost hurts physically slightly because of it.
And I just want to go upstairs to what I might as well start calling my room, since I've been sleeping there for two months, and just cry. I want to cry and cry and cry, for so long that hours pass, and somehow convince myself that I'm better off not just letting her go as more than a friend, but as a friend too, because of how I feel I'm never going to be able to get over the way I feel. She is worth more to me than that, just for the record, but there are times when I wonder if it wouldn't be easier in the long run.
I had a dream last night that I can't remember much of now, but I do know it involved me being at her house again, when we were just about to say our goodbyes, and her telling me that I should give her a goodbye kiss. And I had another dream where I was sitting in front of her computer again, singing along with a song, because that's something I did for her last night. She'd danced around in the kitchen while I watched, and was really self-conscious, and, I have to assume, a little embarrassed at first, but I think she did really good, and had some pretty sexy moves. I told her I wanted to try dancing with her too, eventually, because it is the sort of thing that I'd be kind of upset if we couldn't actually do, but for just that night, we figured out something different. I like to sing, so long as I know the song. Typically, however, I don't sing very loudly, because it's something I'm self-conscious about for myself. But later, after other things were done, and we were just about at the end of the night, I sat there in front of her computer, looked up To Where You Are and Verita by Josh Groban on Youtube, and sung along to both. She said she liked hearing me sing, and that she liked my voice, but for the fact that it's the first time in my life I've intentionally done that in front of another person, I'd like to hear more. Did I sound good? Was it at all different than what you were expecting? What was it like to just hear me sing, when that's something I've never done specifically for you to hear before?
It's hard. I feel like up until yesterday, my life had a purpose. It was to work on things for Jen and her mom, and start trying to figure myself out. I had a countdown in my planner going from the beginning of July, since that's where it started, to August 2nd, of days until we could see each other again. What can I count down to next? Her birthday? If I did that, it'd be looking ahead to another significant event that just revolves around her, when things won't even be the same this year either. Her first birthday in two years which we won't be together for. I'm sorry, Jen. Happy 25th when you get there, and I hope you and Audra have fun doing whatever you do if you end up going to stay with her for a bit, but I fucking can't. I want to do something special for your birthday still, like taking you out to dinner and a movie, as we were already discussing, but I absolutely hate the way it feels to know that I would have to arrange those plans around whatever else you want and plan to do, instead of you wanting to go along with whatever I have planned first, and to only be together for a little bit, instead of the entire day, like before. It's better than not being able to do anything at all, yes, but for right now, I can't get past that feeling. I want to be the most important person - right after Conner, obviously - in your life again, because you sure as hell are in mine, but I know that to even still feel that way is causing me significant personal pain and difficulty, and I just can't.
One of the things we mentioned needing to eventually talk about a couple times yesterday was setting up boundaries for the future. Figuring out and actually writing down on paper what we both are and are not comfortable with. The biggest thing for me right away is everything related to fabric and crafts, when it comes to using an actual article of clothing. Just... for the idea of imagining her still doing whatever she wants without regard for how I feel, so long as I don't see, I just want to walk away from her and say I'm done, and to be completely done. I can't do it, and the only two concessions I honestly want to ask her for are that when it comes to crafts, she not use any camo or rainbow clothing, or anything camo or rainbow not intended to be used for such purposes, and if she was intending to use some other article of clothing, like an old shirt, for example, she allow me to be there for the first several times of her turning it into a piece of fabric, and even do some of the cutting myself, so I could get used to the feeling. If she could promise me that, then no matter what else happened, I could find some way to be comfortable with it, but I just can't be okay with a repeat of the pant leg issue, or her hiding things because she doesn't want to hurt me. I truly am so done with everything else related to crafts, and just want to discuss it and figure out when we can go to the fabric store and whatnot, but that will come eventually, and I already know the more pushy I get about it, the less likely she'll be to want to go at all.
Last night on the porch, when we were talking about fabric, she told me once again about how she justified cutting the zipper off the pant leg, and though I know and am supposed to accept and understand that as her thought process toward it / them, I started feeling really defensive, because I want her to know and understand mine too. I want to get this feeling out of my head that she still thinks she's right and I'm wrong, and to replace it with one that says my own opinion isn't invalidated just because it differs from the norm, and that we both understand how each other feels about what happened, and though we have a difference of opinion on the matter, we're on the same page as far as understanding how we feel. I'm beyond drained and just so tired and done with feeling wrong because my opinion on some topic is completely the opposite of somebody else who really matters to me.
...if we do end up seeing each other today, I wonder if I'll have even eaten anything beforehand. Neither of us did yesterday, right up until we went out for supper, and even then, we were still so affected by general anxiety and nerves - even though things were going well - that we didn't have have much of an appetite.
When we talked on the phone for the first time yesterday, I asked what she thought about me writing a couple times about liking of the idea of moving to 74 King. I had to remind her, because she couldn't remember what I was talking about, so I used the same words I did the first time about how she'd probably roll her eyes and question my motives. Know what happened? She said that's exactly what she did, and while I can laugh that particular part off, since I did expect it, I feel kind of hurt at the same time. It was a difficult thing for me to open up and write about initially, because typically, I like to be certain about major life events before actually saying something about them happening, but toward the idea of moving, and toward the idea of moving to that apartment building in particular, I was hoping for it to be something to hesitantly bring up and tell her about, since she did move in there once before. I don't know that she'd be able to offer any more advice than any other random person, but I'd wanted to talk about it with her. I'd wanted to talk about wanting to get a place of my own within the next year, if possible, and how I'm incredibly nervous, and all the ways I feel about it.
But there's still so much to talk about. We barely scratched the surface yesterday, and there's two and a half years of stuff to talk about. We only have the rest of our lives, but will I be able to wait that long? Will she be able to wait that long?
She has her own life now. One where, to just be blunt and put it this way, I am not her primary focus right after Conner. I need to find a way to be the same, but just...
I want things to be the way they were before again.
I want to be happy, and to have that significant somebody in my life to make happy.
But I'm chasing dreams right now.
...what is the nature of my life, and how have I come to be on this path?
Concern #1. Is user's anxiety sky-high? Yes. We were tracking the development of the phenomenon until ~10:30pm, but new research indicates a need for new detection and tracking equipment Concern #2. Is user experiencing panic? Affirmative. User's panic stopped peaking at approximately 2:30am, following a conversation with one Naomi, who we assume to be a sibling, nevertheless, traces of such extreme agitation remain. Concern #3. Is user unable to sleep? Yes. They were observed to consume a Rockstar Mocha energy drink following their walk home from work. This, coupled with the above two factors, is preventing them from laying down peacefully. BREAKING: signs of drowsiness were detected starting at roughly three hours after midnight. Will update if anything further occurs.
... ... ...
So that's all fun to write and such, but legitimately, there are no words to describe how I feel. I just want to be done. After a long night at work, when I was indeed on line the entire time, I came home, checked things on my laptop quickly, and just broke down in tears. I know I can do this, and I want to be strong, for myself as well as for Jen, but for twenty minutes or so, I just felt so done. I felt like I couldn't do it anymore, and like I was completely, fully, 100% done.
I managed to pull myself out of it for long enough to head upstairs and shower, then I noticed Naomi's light was still on, so I knocked on her door, and asked if we could talk after I got my laundry in. We talked for a good little while, and I am definitely feeling better now, having been able to tell and express to somebody else how I'm feeling, and to hear them tell me I need to stop worrying so much, as well as to be given some pieces of solid advice to keep in mind for tomorrow, but just... I don't even know. I just don't.
I don't know how to feel, or how I should feel, both right now, and for tomorrow. I know what I want to do, for Jen and for myself, but after talking with Naomi, I've decided on a slightly more cautious approach, in order to be respectful toward her. I want to take her out to supper later in the afternoon / evening, because some of the things I have for her are things I want to give her while we're out, because that's the environment I want to give them in, but as Naomi offered, she may not even want to go out to do anything. If that does happen, we can try to compromise, and find something that works for both of us, but frankly, I know what I want, and I've become a bit set in assuming that my ideal outcome is exactly what's going to happen.
I wonder if she stayed awake past midnight just to read the letter I mailed to her, or if she decided to leave it 'til morning. I wonder if I'll hear from her first, be it via phone call or whatever other means, or if I'll have to call her when I'm ready, per usual. I wonder what she'll think about the things I have planned to do before even properly seeing her again, and I wonder how she'll feel toward me in general. I wonder if she's feeling the same anxiety that I am over meeting up with each other again. I wonder if she's so worried and worked up too. Is it wrong of me to say that if she was, it would help me to feel a little better?
Compared to the bundle of nerves that I was all throughout work, I do feel more prepared for having talked to Naomi, but anxiety is still pretty high. I didn't eat anything for breakfast after finishing with Flight Rising for the day, and in fact, all I've actually had for food has been two burritos at work made with nothing more than melted cheese. I guess I kind of feel hungry, but not enough to want food. I want for my laundry to be done, and I want to make sure I have absolutely everything I can prepare ahead of time ready to go for tomorrow, so I don't forget anything here.
This is starting to get repetitive though...
To repeat the same thing that I wrote to Jen earlier, tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of our lives. I may still fear the unknowns, but for the first time in this situation, I need to accept that I can't know everything, and put my best foot forward. To do what I want to do that I think she'll like, and worry about the rest afterward. It's hard, but it's what needs to happen.
Wish us luck!
...8 and a half hours... ...that's just enough time to get a good night's sleep... ...crazy how it seemed so far away before, and now it's almost right there... ...deep breaths... ...deep breaths... ...it'll be okay... ...promise...