I want to write something in here, but what can I write about? I suppose there are a few things that come to mind, so let's see what we have.
I want to start out with Christmas stuff, which is essentially saying gifts are coming together nicely, and other plans are still slightly confusing at this point. Unsurprisingly, I have quite a few items for Jen, but I think my list is getting to be well-rounded aside from her too. I have five items for Mom, none for Dad (he was vague / didn't volunteer many actual suggestions, but I should get to buying what I intend to get for him...), two for Adam, technically two for Naomi (one still has to be ordered, and the other, shipped / received), two for Ericka, three for Conner, three for Trish, two proper gifts and an idea for Evo, four things for both Jen and myself, one and an idea for Jen's mom, and one for Manoah. We also have something for Jen's brother and his wife, so all in all, there's a fair bit. I'm rather pleased with myself this year too, in that I've been keeping up on my wrapping. Come Monday or some other early close / day off after that, I'd like to do more, but until then, that's going well. As for plans next month, it's just because of having more Christmas-y things going on now. Presumably sometime during the week leading up to Christmas, Jen's dad is having a get-together down in Wallaceburg. On Christmas Eve, we may be going to her mom's house first, then to Evangel for the Carols by Candlelight thing, then off to Aunt Marie and Uncle Mark's for snacks and more getting together. Following that is Christmas day, whereupon we'll probably be waking up too early so Conner can open his presents and opening a few presents of our own, getting a bleary-eyed ride over to the house to open gifts there, as well as a majority of the presents I have wrapped here, and then we'll be off to her mom's house for the rest of the day. I'm not sure what'll be happening following that, but yeah. Also in the same month is my birthday, which I already have several days booked off for, and an idea I proposed to have everybody (that is, everybody from my family) over here one night to play games and enjoy some snacks. I quite like the idea, as only Mom has been up here so far, and it would be fun to show everybody around here. We've only briefly discussed what might happen on my birthday, but with having a few proper days booked off for it, I'm sure we'll be able to come up with some... enjoyable plans. Unfortunately, the one thing we won't be able to do is go out to Walmart after midnight. It seems this year they're only open 24 hours from the 21st to 23rd. I still intend to go, if not all three nights, at least two, but that kind of sucks.
We went out on our second official date last Thursday. Seems slightly silly to think of it as a date when everything either of us can find implies that we feel / act toward each other as if we've been in a relationship for a solid number of years, but I'm okay with that. I think it was even brought up back when things first started. I'd rather dispense with the whole "Let me impress and woo you over" thing. I like you, and you like me. What else is required? At any rate, we did go out, and it was fun, although not everything I'd hoped for. I had personally wanted to go to a couple specialty stores along Grand Ave, but by the time we made it out, in combination with the slight rain, it made more sense to just ask for a ride. Eventually? For certain, and Roy knows I could do with delay getting those items considering how heavy my two boxes of them are already, but yeah. We started with Target, walked back to Pet Valu (Bruce was cute <3), then to Dollarama, and finally Canadian Tire. From there, we walked over to Lucky In(n) for supper, had an unexpected conversation with the waitress about unusual customers (apparently some guy who goes there regularly always asks for half a lemon to eat at the end of his meal, as well as some person who wants broccoli fried in beef, but without the beef...), got a ride all the way out to Walmart to look for Christmas things, and then finally went home. Quite a fun and full day overall, and I noticed and really like how I'm very, so incredibly close to just being naturally comfortable with her about certain things. If nothing else, her reaction to something I showed her the other night says more than enough. Getting back to Thursday though, following arriving at home, I within the hour fell asleep for a short nap, talked to her for a bit after waking up, and then set about tidying up the place a bit, because things in general were getting to be a mess. I condensed (that is, either gave to her or set aside for donation) some of another one of my personal items, and she gave me some of hers which I really, really liked (mind you, they aren't the same sort of thing to her that they are to me), and just generally made things tidier. It was a good feeling, and a nice ending to the day.
I think for now though, mainly because I want to finish writing this before she wakes up, I'm going to end this and call the house to see about getting a ride out somewhere (possibly Christmas-related) before work. I'm obviously not sure when the next time I'll write in here is, but I'm sure I'll have more to say before too long. Until then~
I should be doing productive things right now. Possibly reach way up behind me and check my white board list of things to do for something to work on, or get up and grab my 3DS and play / work on Mario and Luigi (Dream Team) some more, or even (but not likely) find some nibbly things, and watch more of this GTA Vice City 100% playthrough. I don't know, but the main fact is that Squeeze (I really need to ask if she would still prefer me to use that name online) is still asleep, and I don't want to wake her up, and yes.
Yesterday at this time, we were just sitting around trying to find something to do, and eventually settled on making some food (hot turkey sandwiches with leftovers from Thanksgiving), and watching an episode of Hell's Kitchen. Fine, yes? It would seem so, but not a moment after I finished making my sandwich and sat down in front of the computer to open the episode, the phone rang, and it was work. It ended up that Manoah had called in, so she had to cover his closing shift, but in order to do so, she would have to leave at 5, and return later at night. She wanted to know if I could come in early, and I kind of smiled in an amused way to myself as I explained that we were sitting down to eat, but I'd be in as soon as possible after that. I ended up starting at 5:30, and apart from difficulty over making orders for people in the dining room (as opposed to for drive through), because they were large and supper was really busy, it was a decent night. Closer to actually closing, Mary and I got to talking about Danny, and I brought up how he was condescending and whatnot the first time he closed. She said (in an ever so slightly annoyed way) that she didn't understand why, as I did know what I was doing, and I quite appreciated that, because kind words of that sort don't come terribly often.
Work aside (mostly, considering I should mention that I called the house and got a ride from Mom), I have a fairly substantial package that I'm looking forward to opening now. On Thursday, I woke up at ~10am unable to get back to sleep, and through looking at usual beginning of the day things online, decided I'd finally order things from a certain website that I've been considering / waiting on restock for a little while now. Said items are personal, suffice it to say, but a bunch of things were ordered, and a little more money than I expected to spend later, I'd logged into Paypal and paid. Now, usually when I order from that site, I'll get a UPS shipping email either later the same afternoon, or sometime the next day. Nothing came at all on Thursday, so I figured the email would come on Friday, and I'd get the package in time for Tuesday - my next day off - which is when I want to open it. Surprise surprise, however, when I called the house, Mom said she had a "large package" for me. That's cool, and perhaps from now on when I order from that site, I'll have to do so early in the morning, so as to have my purchases by the end of the next day again.
Another thing on my mind over the past couple days has been Dan, and going back to Toronto. Until recently, I nigh insisted upon the next time I went, wanting Squeeze to come with me, so there wouldn't be a repeat of last time. The last time she mentioned me going again, however, she said she felt conflicted that I felt that way, because it would most certainly be a good while until she had enough money saved up to be able to go. The immediate option there is that I could pay for her train ticket and have a bit of money set aside for food for the both of us, but I must also consider that I could just go on my own again, now that I'm feeling somewhat more ready for it. I think back to cleaning up the party room after the meet, and to baking things (to a certain extent) in the days beforehand, and I want to do that again. Baking is more tricky, because the line between it being enjoyable and a chore is very thinly drawn, but just for the preparations and such. The meet itself I don't feel so strongly about, because I don't see any change in being there to contribute as opposed to going for the meet / party, but I'm definitely starting to feel like I want to do that again. I also obviously quite like the idea of going to Dollar Tree, especially after past correspondence Dan and I had where he said he'd be perfectly understanding of me wanting to go places on my own at times, but that's about all for now. I would want to go to the zoo to see the snow leopards again, but outside of them, I just remember there not being anything terribly new in recent trips (not to mention how it would be better to wait 'til after Winter so they're open longer), and such. There were also other ideas discussed before, but the main point once again is that my thoughts and feelings on going back are definitely coming back into focus.
Aside from that, things here have been mostly pretty decent. Since the nature of my past couple proper entries is right there at the front of my thoughts, I want to say that things of that sort in general (I'll just say the word - crafts) are from my point of view better than they were before. Things still bother me anywhere from idly to quite a bit from time to time, most often when I'm laying down to fall asleep, and I know Squeeze isn't in a particularly desirable position, but compared to the way they were before, when I was constantly felt like I was incredibly close to freaking right out, they are improved. On that note though, I might as well end this here, because she's been awake for about half an hour now, and I can no longer concentrate exclusively on this. Until next time, whenever that may be~
It feels like it's been longer than a month since I wrote anything in here...
At any rate, I'm just in between working on getting some things ready for tomorrow. Surprises and things I won't divulge yet and such. James called about 20 minutes ago asking if I'd come in for 7, because Gabby called in. He was planning to call Tom to see if he'd come in so it could be he and I closing again, but if not, James will be working open to close. Fun for him, if so, but we'll see. Tomorrow will be my first Monday off in a little while, and for good reason (even though I'd get time and a half at work) - it's Squeeze's (that sounds weird anymore...) birthday <3 We were originally going to go to Golf & Fun, but the review we found (from July this year) wasn't very promising, and... maybe we'll still go. Or maybe we'll just go with my imagined idea of sleeping late, and stumbling out all groggy-like to Glitters for supper. I'm definitely looking forward to it either way.
I should go get back to things now though. I wonder if I can finish before supper (chicken balls for me~) is ready...
Just a general quick entry here, because I don't want to miss another day, but am not sure how much I have to say at the same time. Compared to yesterday, I feel more awake and alert for one. Having to get up early to go to Tilbury was pretty difficult, and then I unexpectedly fell asleep for a short nap when I got back home. Work ended up being kind of busy, but not enough to prevent us from getting out at a decent time, and... yeah. Squeeze and I talked about certain things before we went to bed, because I'd said something earlier in the afternoon that put both of us in an off state, and in a way, I feel like I'm still somewhat caught in that mindset. I'd really like to have the night off to just lay here talking about whatever comes to mind, and while I imagine Tom would be willing to pick up a couple hours by staying to close for me, I wouldn't do that. It's just... slightly difficult, but I'll get by.
In other news, nothing much comes to mind. I was getting all excited earlier about being able to hear talking (presumably coming from the park), because there's just something about knowing other, bigger things are going on elsewhere, while we're just busying ourselves with our own things, but said noise has now been replaced by kids playing somewhere just outside. I suppose I might have to walk through a fair crowd of people on the way to work again, but that's fine. I should end this here though, so I can get ready to go. The bed is a mess again, so I would like to make it before I actually head out~
...because I should try writing something before it gets to be too much later, things today...
Squeeze is in kind of an off mood. Apparently although she slept last night, she doesn't feel like she slept at all, and Conner has been anywhere from calm and quiet to agitated and crying throughout the afternoon. I, however, am feeling mostly okay at the moment. I first woke up a couple minutes before 3, had to wait for Squeeze to get out of the bathroom to go myself, then ended up snuggling / falling asleep with her for nearly another hour. That was nice, and the dreams I had during that time were interesting (not that I can remember any), and then things just kind of went off again. Due to it being ~4:30 when I woke up after that, I didn't want to go back to sleep again. I was not in a position conducive to sitting up and doing things on my laptop though, so I must have laid there for a good half hour before finally deciding to tell her I was getting up for something to eat. After that, I ate and watched about 20 minutes of a longplay of Doki Doki Panic on Youtube, procrastinated with other things for a bit longer, and am now writing this. I'd like to leave for work no later than 6:45 again, because with how warm / humid it is out today, I'll need time to sit down and cool off first, but before that, there are a couple other things to write about.
For one, I feel bad. For two or three days now, I've had a message in Skype from Dan that's gone unread, because I'm worried as to what it might say. Specifically, prior to mentioning it in my second most recent LiveJournal entry, Squeeze was the only one who knew I was strongly considering heading home a day early. Sure, where all fairness and whatnot is considered, me going home early is rather understandable, and hardly an affront, but I feel like it's kind of rude to him to plan to visit for that long, only to end up going behind his back and leaving a day early. Maybe his message is entirely unrelated though. Maybe it's something to do with the zoo, or just a simple "Hello", but I haven't checked, because I worry too much, and yes.
As to the second thing, I have a bit of a dilemna on my hands concerning a package. When I went home last Friday, I found two packages waiting for me, and it seemed only right to take them along, and eventually agree to having Squeeze take them back to her place, so I wouldn't have to carry those home in addition to everything else. At first, I thought they were both the same type of item, but when I actually looked through a tear in the packaging of one, I saw that it was something different - an article of clothing, to put it that way. I've wanted to open it for a couple days now, but being that I have it here, I'd like to show Squeeze as well, but I'd also like to know that she's interested in what's inside before I do that, because it just seems right. The same could be said of other things I have here but haven't gotten into yet either. I'm actually considering just taking those home when I go home (back to our house, that is) to do laundry tomorrow, so that way they're more sensibly stored and don't have to bother me to leave here, but I haven't actually decided on that yet. To try and put this a non-complicated way, it's like several times before, when she was asking me if she should do something related to a certain color. I usually say "If you want" or "Sure", to which she responds by saying that she's looking for something a little more definite. I can understand it from her point of view, but when it comes to my things, I wonder if she realizes that's one of the reasons we haven't effectively had a repeat of what we did the night before I left again. And she's behind me kissing my back all the while that I'm writing this. Yay.
At any rate, I have about twenty minutes left if I get ready at quarter-to, so this is going to be finished here. I need to find something to drink, anyway~
If I want to have time to go to Dollar Tree before work again, I'm going to have to leave in about fifteen minutes, which is a problem today. I started writing an entry earlier, before Squeeze woke up, and actually felt in the mood to write, but then ~4:30 came, and she did wake up, and we ended up being occupied until just about 6pm. That was fun and all, but perhaps tomorrow I'll have to try for completely taking care of writing before she wakes up, and not being pressed for time come 6.
In short, though, since I haven't too long here, things have been interesting since yesterday. My first shift back to work was busy, and tiring, and there were a fair few dishes, but that's all relatively normal. I've been tired at work before, there have certainly been more dishes other nights, and it only makes sense that we'd be busier what with Summer approaching, but what I didn't expect was my body practically giving up on me. Sometime just before 11, I started feeling really tired and out of it, to the point where I couldn't even take orders / talk to customers at the window at the volume I normally talk at. At some point, I went to the back to continue with dishes, but another customer pulled up and needed a minute to look at the menu. I decided to use the time to put the roll of paper towel that was in the dispenser correctly, then everything went completely awry. I tripped over / slipped on the dustpan, which put me off balance, which sent me rapidly falling to the floor, and... yeah. I scraped my arm pretty decently, and my knee even worse (it hurts to bend, but not as badly as yesterday), not to mention cut my finger somewhat deeply, and... it was fun. As I told Squeeze when I got back home, with the way I was feeling already, had that happened here, I would legitimately have gone out to the balcony and cried over it. To make matters even better in a way not directly related to me, James started the night in seemingly normal condition, but by the end, was visibly ill. Sneezing alot, and rubbing his nose on his shirt to the point it was red, so I rather expect to go in tonight and see Mary as the closing manager. That's fine though. So long as I can be as or more awake than I was yesterday, I should be able to get by.
At any rate, while I also now wish I had the time for a shower, I should try to get ready to leave. Going to Dollar Tree isn't vital, because we were just there yesterday, but I still want to. I only hope my knee cooperates to the end of me making it there in decent time~
I think I'd rather this be a point-form / itemized entry now, because I've only got half an hour to 45 minutes left here. The afternoon thus far has been spent waking up just after noon, somewhat surprisingly, cuddling and doing other less-innocent things, having a shower, and just a short time ago, having my foot picked at for dead skin / scraped to remove the same. Following that, in just a little while, we (Squeeze and I) will be met my her mom, to go grab my uniform from home, and then to head off to Dollar Tree, because she has general shopping to do, and I want milkshakes. I probably shouldn't be thinking so much about spending money already, considering expenses in Toronto, but... yeah. That can be the first item on my list.
a] When Dan and I went to the zoo on Tuesday, I rather troublingly found the membership office blocked off. He wasn't helped much by it either, because he'd misplaced his membership card, and needed them to look up his account and give him a hand stamp, so we went back to the membership booth some distance behind us, and fortunately were able to deal with things there. I wanted to renew my membership though, and at first was somewhat surprised by the increased cost - $95 instead of ~$77, which I remember it being before - and it wasn't until I looked at my receipt while sorting through my wallet yesterday that I noticed something. Instead of paying for a renewal, I was charged the basic 1 year individual membership price, and was given a 5% discount, presumably for "renewing" my membership before it expired. Yeah. And I didn't even get my other card back either. I suppose I could have if I'd asked, but it didn't occur to me, and there's not much that can be done about it now.
b] I came home from Toronto a day early. That's something Squeeze and I had been discussing almost from the day that I got there, but indeed, on Saturday night, I was getting tired at the furmeet, and told Dan I needed to take a break, so I went upstairs, sent a quick message to Squeeze, noticed the time (a few minutes before 9), checked what time the ticket counter at Union Station was open 'til, and left her waiting for a reply while I rushed making sure I had my wallet, and wasn't taking the key to the party room with me and such. I then walked a very brisk walk down to the subway station, had a train come by almost immediately, and... fell asleep. I woke up just before Yonge station, which would've worked, but when I went up to the other platform, there were signs about stating that the subway wasn't running southbound due to track repairs, so I had to briefly contemplate taking the shuttle bus, which I probably would've got lost on, then went downstairs, took the other subway back to St. George station, went up and down and around to Union Station from there, and rushed up to the ticket counter just in time. Actually coming home and having the extra night / following day with Squeeze was really nice and very much needed, but I'm still tired, which I suppose I'm just going to have to deal with.
c] Just quick thoughts about the next time I go to Toronto, since we have only a few minutes now. Simply put, contributing to the furmeets as I do is becoming both repetitive to the point of annoyance, and rather expensive. It's not what I can actually foresee happening yet, but I'm thinking that if I try to go back in the Summer, I'll do it on some week other than when the furmeet is being held, so I can plan for going to Canada's Wonderland as the main event, then just find other things to do on the side. I'm still not sure how I'll feel about starting to miss them here and there (I have five badges hanging from the string attached to the ceiling fan in my room at home), but where it being less expensive and nonrepetitive is concerned, it is worth consideration.
Those three things will be all for today, because I need to go get ready. I wanted to write about how I've been feeling for the past couple days (a few more things that I've realized but haven't told Squeeze about), and there's a question she asked me last night of a personal nature that I really want to try to find an answer for (not a bad question, and as I understand it, she'd just like to understand), but those things can be on my mind at work tonight. It's James and I, with Tom 'til midnight, and I need something to keep me awake until I feel like it's late enough to open my energy drink, so yeah. That might give me more to write about in my next entry too, but we'll see then. Just so long as I don't miss another three days in a row~
The alternate title for this entry would be "Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?", because yeah... I don't know that the past week (almost) has made me grow more fond of Squeeze so much as has required me to endure five days (so far) of rather intense anxiety and self-doubt. In a way, this is what I feared would happen by coming here. Being away from her for an extended period of time after spending two weeks effectively living together would make me start to doubt that I really felt the way I think I feel toward her, and I would either be an emotional wreck by the time I left, if not shortly after getting home, but that is fortunately not the case, as odd as that is to say. What I am instead experiencing is intense anxiety. It hurts. To describe it an oddly specific way, I feel as if somebody has been picking at my heart / surrounding area with a pin, and it's become all swollen, and the only way of attaining relief is to be back at home with her, to just hold her for however long it takes to replace these current feelings. I never thought missing / being away from somebody for an extended period of time could hurt so much, but I don't want to be so dramatic either. We've been talking for a bit every day, and I even called her on the phone for a brief chat when I came up for a break on Saturday night, but it's not the same. I miss you, Squeeze, and I wish there was something I could do to set those feelings for long enough to get through the next couple days...
Setting that aside for a moment, I think things have been going pretty well here otherwise. The meet on Saturday is the most obvious thing, so let's look at that. 85 people attended (maybe even 90, accounting for the few who didn't register), which is definitely more than before, and everybody seemed to be enjoying themselves. Were my thoughts not elsewhere, I might have had a better time too, but between that and being tired, I had to take a few short breaks, and even one that lasted for nearly 3 hours later at night. I was kind of let down about not getting any tips this time, but that wouldn't have been fair to the other people who brought baked treats, and... yeah. In a way, I'm not sure how I feel about the furmeets right now. It's not that I don't want to continue helping at them, but for one, I'm starting to get tired of always doing the same thing, and for two, if and when next time comes, I'm going to have to find some way of being more mentally prepared for being away from Squeeze for that long. That, or have her come with me for a few days, but thinking about that has my mind going places it shouldn't again. I'm reminded of a question she asked / indirectly showed me before. How can something that seems so right feel so wrong? I suppose being away from her for this long isn't exactly right, and I couldn't be expected to not feel bad as a result, and I also know thinking I should feel differently than I actually do is a big part of my problem, but just... this is what I mean when I say / think that I just want to be back at home with her. If just being around her is enough to make me happy... well, yeah.
On that random note though, I think this entry will be done, because I don't want to keep Dan waiting forever. So far as I understand it, we're off out to No Frills right now, then will hopefully be coming straight back here for a night of more relaxing, and maybe playing Scrabble. I also still want to set up my laptop in front of the TV and have a video chat with Squeeze so she can watch me play through Mario 3, or just use my camera to the same end, and I still want to record a video of the elevators later at night (because I'm weird) so yeah. Those sound like good ideas, and give me something to look forward to. It's somewhat of an abrupt shift to end this entry on as well, but I love you and miss you, Squeeze. I really can't wait for Wednesday to be here *hug* ~<3
It feels so strange being here in Toronto. I'm out on the balcony right now, and looking around, yeah, I see all the familiar surroundings, but in an incredibly cutesy way, I could suggest that my body is here, but my heart and mind are elsewhere. In spite of doing a fair bit of baking yesterday, I still talked to Squeeze for nearly the entire time, and then, when all of that was said and done for the night, we had a ~2 hour voice chat, which even turned into a video call, and yeah. She has some pretty serious / significant things going on right at the moment. Part of me can't stop wondering what it'll be like if the worst possible outcome comes of that. With the way she described it yesterday, I would very likely drop everything here, march promptly back into Dan's room, pack up, and head to Union Station to get a ticket for the next train home. Unbeknownst to him, when I first learned of what she had going on yesterday, I was well prepared for close to an hour to pack right up and exchange (with fee) my departure ticket to head back in the same night I got here. Even though having some time relatively apart could do us some good, it's frustrating to not be able to do more. In the interest of not getting too caught up on only one topic though, what else could I say of my first day here?
For one, going out grocery shopping on my own was a terrible idea. It was fun at first, because with Dan not being there, I was able to look for things I wouldn't have otherwise, but then came the ~$80 worth of groceries at No Frills, some being rather on the heavy side, and I could've used an extra pair of hands then. I wasn't even able to walk from No Frills to Walmart (not leaving the interior of the mall) without working up a foul-smelling sweat, and beyond that, I still don't know how I made it. The best part? Walking up the stairs from the street to the building, I paused at the landing in-between to catch my breath, and a random older guy walked up behind me. I don't think he spoke English, but he did say "Oh, my boy", and tried to pick up one of the plastic bags I was carrying to take it the rest of the way, only for the bottom to give way. He then proceeded to take his couple groceries out of the Food Basics bag he was carrying, give it to me, and instead pull my (at the time extremely heavy) rolling bag up the steps. Two other people came along at that point asking of I needed any help, but I told them no, because it seemed relatively straightforward - somehow walk through the parking lot to the building, up the couple steps, and to the elevator from there. Somebody even held the door open for me, and just... yeah. I really appreciated their help, then there's Dan who, when I finally made it to the apartment, said that he'd fallen asleep. Probably the best part of all is that I still need a few more things, and don't know if I'll be in the mood for going out today, but at least I can get started earlier. I ended up sleeping for about half an hour yesterday, then talked to Squeeze for a bit because she really needed somebody to talk to, then made four batches of s'mores cookies, and one of oatmeal with mini Rolos. Today's baking will hopefully consist of all the Oreo-stuffed chocolate chip cookies, and if an electric mixer is purchased, at least two batches of licorice cookies as well. I could actually head off to get started on those right now, and still talk to Squeeze when she returns, but first, there are a couple things concerning her and I from yesterday that bear mentioning.( in a cut, because that paragraph above is rather largeCollapse )
Anything else aside now though, this entry is done, because it's already 2:30, and I'd like to get a couple urgent things taken care of before I get back to baking and talking to Squeeze. Dan's already offered to pick things up for me if I give him a list, which is one thing out of the way, so it's just a matter of getting back to baking again. I'll have to hide those cookies better, so people don't bother me for them~
This is a familiar sort of situation. By the time I write this entry, and actually get dressed to head out, assuming I decide to do that, Squeeze will be up and active, and I'll have lost my opportunity. For whatever reason, I would really like to go out to Giant Tiger before Wednesday. Just to have a look around there and see if I can't find anything of interest, so I was already thinking about what it would be like to go out this afternoon as I was laying down to go to sleep last night. I told myself that probably wouldn't be possible though, because we already have plans for today, and yet come today, I've been awake for nearly two hours, while Squeeze has remained asleep. I suppose those plans could always be postponed though. Save them for later, when we'd both be more awake, and not run the risk of being interrupted by a phone call from Evo, but still, it's not as easy as just saying "I'll take advantage of her still being asleep to go out now".
To put it this way, since the last little bit of work yesterday night, my mind has been all over the place, in a bad way. It was enough that on the way back here, I had to sit for a short while in the small park across the street from the mall to allow all the anxiety and panic I was feeling to pass. Even when it did, and I made my way back to the apartment from there, I was still sidetracked enough that Squeeze could tell something was wrong almost immediately. The thing is that I still don't know how much I can say about it. This thing isn't causing problems now, so much as is something I want to talk with her about in hopes of finding a way for me to be more comfortable with it, but apart from that, she would rather I didn't even mention it in here, which leaves me at somewhat of a loss. Who can I talk to if I have problems or questions concerning it? I have one idea there too, which I described to her already, but for now, I suppose we'll see what happens if and when that comes up.
Setting that paragraph aside, the rest of this entry is rather delayed, on the back of her having woken up at ~5:30, and me having taken our cuddling / snuggling into less innocent territory again. I explained my idea to save the rest of those things until later to her, and she agreed, so once I finish this, I'll be packing up what things I don't need to leave here, and heading back home / to Giant Tiger / possibly to other places if I can get a ride. Knowing that I don't have to work tonight already feels a bit weird, so I do really want to get out for a bit, and as to the rest of the night after that... we'll see. I was going to write something else in here concerning overthinking things and getting too caught up in exactly what the picture I linked to in my entry yesterday described, but for the moment, knowing that it was bothering me more because I was thinking about it too much has me in an alright spot, so I'm going to try to leave it be for now, and see what happens. As a matter of fact, this entry is just going to be done here so I can start packing things up. Hopefully I still have enough time to go everywhere I want after that~
That feeling is coming back again. I started finally working on a list of things to pack earlier this afternoon, and all I could feel after a little while was anxiety. I want to just be in Toronto. Not have to still worry about packing or staying up late to take the train or possibly not being able to have Squeeze accompany me to the train station if her mom isn't able to watch Conner for the night, which is all nice and fun. It's not unbearable, but like the title says, I could do with another week. More time to not procrastinate and leave things 'til the last minute, but I think I'll be alright anyway. Plans for tonight aren't too related to that - I'll be coming back here after work again, whereupon Squeeze and I will be making anklets for each other, and probably just hanging out after that. We started getting into less innocent things earlier, but stopped because we're saving that for tomorrow, and now it's just a matter of waiting. Evo is apparently supposed to be over in a bit, and will be watching Conner so Squeeze and I can go for a short walk. I have to go to work, and she has to head elsewhere for things of her own, so we'll be walking part of the way together and that will be fun.
Not to switch topics too abruptly now, but some time after I got home last night (because this has become home now too), we were going to have a shower, and before that actually started, I managed to piece together enough of a new theory to explain my conflicted feelings that I tried to explain it to her. I didn't do such a good job then, unfortunately, and am still not really sure that I will now, but let's try anyway. My theory is that with friends in the past, I've always been looking (even if only subconsciously) for somebody to be more than friends with. I'd never found the sort of person that Squeeze is before now, which explains why nothing ever happened then, and to an extent, also how I found myself in the position of feeling that the other person and I were supposed to be more than friends because of how well we were getting along. The main point though is that those more than friends sorts of feelings were always there, but never came about or were reciprocated in the right way. It's different with Squeeze though, based on how much we have in common and how I feel toward her in general, but (and this is the crux of it), because now that we are more than friends, I feel like I should feel for her more than I do already, because I already had those more than friends feelings before. Again, it's just a theory, but I really feel that it makes sense. On a related note as well though (regarding thinking too much), I found this picture
earlier, and just... yeah. Squeeze told me to show it to Evo just a moment ago, and even he agreed that it describes me perfectly. With that though, it is time for me to get ready to go to work. One night to go, and I've got a lot of extra cleaning planned, provided I can get to it, so yes. Hopefully the dishes are all caught up~
It just randomly occurred to me that at this time next week, I will be in Toronto at the furmeet, which will have already been going on for ~4 hours. I suppose I'm ready for it, in the sense that I need only write down a grocery list of things to buy there, and make a list of things to pack, but I certainly hope it doesn't go like today has. Squeeze and I were up until ~9am, first getting back to things that we didn't have time to finish before I went to work, and then having a random hair pulling / whatnot else session on her body. Considering I was tired enough to go to sleep at ~6:30, it wasn't expected, but then I slept 'til 3:30, which kind of evens it out. She's still asleep - just said something about buying Mikey (her brother, if I'm not mistaken) a car being cute, and I'm taking the opportunity to write this now, because I'm not sure how long we'll be here for after she wakes up. Her mom called a couple minutes before 4, presumably to ask about having her lawn mowed, and I was told last night that if she (Squeeze) goes over there to do that, I could go with her and eventually get a ride to work, but I still haven't decided. I could go and get a ride, and ask to stop at Sobeys on the way in to look for Menage a Trois cookie dough for Cheryl, or I could stay here and have some time to myself to take care of that grocery list and other things, or I could call home, and ask to be picked up to go out to Dollarama, Walmart, and possibly Canadian Tire. Dollarama for chocolate bars to make s'mores cookies, and the other two places for... other things. I'm bad like that, and I haven't even opened what I bought the other day (although I did ask Squeeze to put them in a safer spot, which was fun).
Setting that aside though, I'm probably just overthinking things to a great extent again, but I'm still fairly bothered about the way I ended up feeling regarding us at work last night. The problem in this case is that it's hard to describe. I started thinking too far ahead again, which made me anxious in a bad way, which in turn made me start to slightly doubt things again. I ended up trying to explain it away to myself as still not having fully recovered from yesterday, and as hokey as that sounds, I think there's some truth to it. I already know that I legitimately like the way feeling sorry for myself feels, so it wouldn't come as a surprise at all if I was also in a way addicted to that feeling of resolution - of having a problem and overcoming it, and things being all better again. It stands to reason that when things are fine in general, the absence of that influx of feeling really good is going to get to me in a bad way, and once that starts, all of the other pieces fall into place behind it. That could also account for why at the back of my mind there was a part of me saying "No, these thoughts are wrong", but just... yeah. Getting back to the previous, even from there, my mind wanders off to wondering how it can be that I'm so uncertain about putting a more common title (such as boyfriend / girlfriend) on it. My reasoning for why seems sound enough (in brief, titles more often than not lead to insecurity), but I still feel like I should be able to at least consider that point of view without getting worked up. I really do like being each other's weirdo though, so at least that works.
In less related news now, the rest of work last night was pretty fun. There were lots of both dishes and customers, and we didn't get out until a couple minutes after 4, but I believe I had a good night despite that. As a matter of fact, even with the above thoughts on my mind in addition to everything else, I was in a better mood with customers than I have been recently. It was also the sort of night where no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't say anything to James, because I was still caught up in my own thoughts, and wanted to continue with those. That's one of the things I notice about how I feel even when I'm doubtful now, and it's definitely much nicer.
On that note though, this is once again done for the day. Squeeze is still asleep, but won't be for too much longer, or so I imagine, and I'd like to see about doing something more productive than just watching videos of somebody remove their ingrown hairs. I am feeling better for having written this though, so I'll let her read it when she wakes up, and go from there. In the meantime, let's see about other things~
I have to say I'm kind of annoyed with myself for the past couple days. I don't like missing days in here, and yet look - another two have gone by. Truth be told, I can't think of a whole lot to say about Tuesday / Wednesday, other than working on my backups, but yesterday did bring an interesting series of events, which is the main thing that I want to write about today.( three big paragraphs in hereCollapse )
Specific things aside though, it's probably about time that I ended this for today. She's been laying next to me here for the entire time, and I feel kind of bad about that. Earlier on, she quietly asked if everything was alright, and my body picked that perfect time to send a tear rolling down the side of my face. Things on a whole are still mostly alright, but for today, I'm just going to wait and see where they go after I post this. I don't want to get into anything (of the sort that we started getting into last night) when I have to go to work in just a few hours, but I also don't want to just lay here for the rest of the day, so... yeah. That's all for now~
Here were are in unusual circumstances once again. Squeeze just left to go grocery shopping with her mom, but instead of being here on my own, it's currently Evo, Conner, and I, which is relatively unchanged. He's out in the living room putting a movie on for Conner to watch, and I figure that because I have only ~15 minutes to go, I might as well write an entry in here. Plans for tonight are pretty typical - go to work, then come back here (I could just as well say "home", considering recent events) and play games / do whatever else, but I'm a bit concerned about getting to work, because Evo said it was pretty warm outside. Maybe I'll have another shower after work. We ended up going for two yesterday, one before we went for supper, and the other after... activities later at night, but if a third later on helps me to feel clean and non-sweaty after the walk, I'd rather have that. I even feel kind of warm just laying here right now, but that could just be because I'm laying almost completely flat on my back.
At any rate, since many things were done yesterday, let's go back and look at that. For one, Evo seemed rather caught off-guard when I informed him that Squeeze and I would be going to shower together. Then he started going on a bit about what it was like when the two of them were together. That made me mildly uncomfortable, so I hid under the pillow and tried to laugh it off, but apparently she also gave him a "Stop talking now, please" look, which helped to learn of when I brought that up when we were talking after he'd gone home. Supper was really good, and to Squeeze's dismay, being the (in her words) skinniest person at the table, I still ate the most, consisting of six cabbage rolls, two buns, a heaping spoonful of potatoes, two bottles of orange juice, and two big pieces of cake. Yay. Then we left Evo there and got a ride from her mom out to Dollar Tree, to do some shopping. I considered looking at items of personal interest, but didn't, then got a ride on the back of the shopping cart, and urged Squeeze to try it as well, just to the end of the aisle. Following that, we went to Sobeys so I could look for Menage a Trois cookie dough (they didn't have any...), then back to Linda's (Squeeze's mom) place to round out the evening. I can't recall exactly what happened between then and ~1:30 - I know I worked a bit more on tidying things up on my laptop - but we got tired, and almost went to bed early. We got to talking though, and one thing more or less led to another from there.
...to put it this way, there's something else that I seem to just be a natural at. Said something is pretty intimate / private, but for it being only the second time that I've gone there, I'm rather surprised with myself, even. We definitely got pretty sweaty, but on the back of what, because it still stands out? Me indirectly telling her about the last of my main personal interests. Maybe that's not how she saw it happen, but up to that point, there was general kissing and such, but once I told her that, we really got into it, and... yeah. I quite enjoyed myself, and it seemed that she did too, and indeed, last night will have been the first time that she's ever sprayed the bed with Febreeze. Maybe I'm making too much out of a simple thing, but I found it amusing. Speaking of the bed though, it occurs to me that I should find time to make the bed before I go to work, so I'll just do that now. It shouldn't take too long~
I really should try to get on with saying something in here, because even at the rate things are going, I'm going to be delayed for a little bit past 4:00. Plans for today are pretty simple. I want to leave here as soon as possible after 4, to head home and bake a cake for tomorrow. At the same time, I want / need to do my laundry, and then it's just a matter of going up to work for one last shift in this current string of 4. Yesterday night went mostly okay, but my attitude is still not what it could be, so I'll have to be careful about that. At any rate, following work, I'll once again be coming back here to Squeeze's place, to work on my end-of-the-month backups in a new environment, which I'm kind of looking forward to. As I described to her, I'm not sure if I'll get enough done that reinstalling Windows is feasible as well, but really, I just want to start with backups and go from there.
That aside, one part of last night still sticks out enough that I want to write about it in here. I had all but called it a night around 6am, but Squeeze said she had to stay up and wait for her mom to come pick up some money that she's borrowing from me, so I told myself I'd try to stay up as well. Skip ahead to somehow falling asleep anyway, and I woke up at ~7:50. My mind immediately started racing, thinking that was 7:50*pm*, and had the phone still been in her room, I likely would've called both work to say I was going to be a bit late, and home, to ask Mom or Dad to come pick me up. It wasn't, though, so I got up and raced out to the kitchen all panicked, looking for Squeeze to ask her what had happened, and eventually, something in me just clicked that made me think it might still only be morning, and that I was getting worked up over nothing. Sure enough, I opened my laptop and saw an A instead of a P next to the time, and was immediately awash with relief. Instead of laying down though, I went back out to the kitchen to look for Squeeze again, and when I found her, explained what had happened so I could feel less flustered. It wasn't until nearly 8:30 that we got to sleep after that, but yeah. Fun morning.
With those two things said though, I should probably try to wake her up now and explain that I'm heading back home to take care of things, so as not to just randomly disappear. Hopefully things back there go as planned~
As I see it right now, things after work tonight could go one of two ways. In one, I'll just walk home as normal, have a voice chat with Squeeze and find something to eat before going to bed, and sleep in my own room for the first time since last Friday. In the other, however, I will walk home, collect my laptop, maybe get something to eat (there was pizza on the counter yesterday afternoon), then just head back here again, to round out the week. When I came over here after work last night, I wasn't expecting to spend the night, and indeed, until I actually fell asleep, thoughts of packing up and heading back home were still on my mind. I think I was caught between wondering how it would go to wake up and not have my laptop to do things on, and how Mom (and possibly Dad) would respond to me not being there again, but in the end, it's not really worth worrying about. If there are any concerns, they have Squeeze's home phone number. Otherwise, I would like to talk to Mom about what sorts of things have been going on recently, and I'm sure she'll repeat some of that to Dad afterward, and I'm fine with that.
Future things aside though, there are a couple things from work last night that still bear mentioning in here. One is that provided I remember / he asks again, I'll have a little more to tell Manoah about why I said a certain person adding him to Facebook was interesting. Said person used to work with us, so it's not entirely unusual, but their name is also fairly prominent when talking about serious past events with Squeeze. I just wasn't sure how much I could say to Manoah then, so I told him I'd think about it when I went home, then talked to Squeeze, and she said I could at least explain the basics. Secondly, the schedule for next week is rather interesting. This week coming, I still have the same shifts as usual - Friday through Monday, Wednesday, then back to Friday night again, per usual. After that, however, I only work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I expected to close through 'til Tuesday, but Dan and Mary are on those shifts instead, presumably so she can train him, and my mind has already been going on ideas of what to do then. I don't want to get too caught up in them, lest Monday and / or Tuesday come, and I be required to work, but pizza on Tuesday seems like a distinct possibility, so long as Squeeze has finished her English work by then, and toward Monday, there are... ideas, but they're still ideas. I don't want to spend the entire day doing that, and certainly don't think I could even if I wanted to, but it's still a neat idea. Unfortunately, at some point before that I have to think about what (if anything) I'm going to make for everybody at work when I go away this time. A cake? Maybe, but I'd rather not have to leave the pan there all week. Cookies? More likely, but I made those last time. It's not like I don't still have time to decide, and it's reasonable enough to say that if I decide not to make anything, I can say it's because I didn't work the day before I left, but we'll see. As for snacks in Toronto, it's still tentative, but four batches of s'mores cookies, three batches of the chocolate chip ones with Oreos inside, one cake, and a cherry cheesecake pie or two seem fair enough. Coupled with what Cheryl wants, I think I could get that worked out, but now I have to start on a grocery list. In all of ~2 days before the end of the month comes, and I have backups to work on. Maybe I'll get started later tonight~
Just before I get to what the title of this entry refers to, let me consider this my mental note that Evo wants the The Incredible Machine collection I have on my backups external hard drive. I told him last week that I'd bring it sometime this week for him, but entirely forgot, as I have a habit of doing with certain things like that. With luck though, even if I the second time, all won't be lost, because I plan to actually bring that external drive with me when I come back over here after work next Monday, so I can start on my backups then. Is it weird that I'm looking forward to doing those here? Maybe a little bit, but either way, I have those plans, and cabbage roll day comes immediately afterward, so that's two special things to look forward to during the weekend.
That aside now though, the circumstances today were / are slightly unexpected. Were it like last week, I'd be at home right now, quite possibly just waking up, but instead, I'm still here with Squeeze (she's sleeping at the moment), because I had a brilliant idea last night: provided she was alright with it, why not just have me go with her mom out to get breakfast, so I could pick up my uniform from work, then come back here, eat, then try to get some sleep while the two of them were out grocery shopping, go to work at the normal time, then stop by here on the way home to pick up my things? I ended up forgetting the uniform bit, unfortunately, but the rest more or less went / will be going as planned. I figure if I leave at 6:30, I'll have enough time to get home, unpack, talk to her for a few minutes, then be off, and if she's still awake / not busy later, stop by after work for another hour or two. The thing about that though is that apart from her having English work to get busy on, she to my knowledge does not have anything to be up for tomorrow morning, so I could theoretically stay here again. And if tonight, why not Saturday night as well? Then I wouldn't have been home for an entire week, and that would be... something. On our way back here yesterday night, Mom asked if I was officially living here now, which caught both Squeeze and I off-guard, because this is... just how it's been happening. I like being here with her, but the thought of having technically moved because I'm over here more often than I'm at home now is not something I had considered. I bought a train ticket to go to Toronto in May yesterday evening, and I'll be there for 8 days, but that doesn't mean I'm moving in with Dan. By no means is it a bad thing. It was just... unexpected.
In a slightly different direction now, I did buy a train ticket yesterday, as mentioned just above. It's hard to believe that's just over two weeks away. I mean, really. Two weeks is still a reasonably long amount of time, but I feel like there's so much to do. I emailed Cheryl yesterday to ask about cookies, and received a reply to say that she would like 2 dozen licorice, 1 dozen s'mores, 1 dozen Rolo, and 1 dozen Menage a Trois. Before the furmeet too, she requested, because she's supposed to be seeing Bungee on the 9th or 10th. Considering that the furmeet is on the 11th, I could probably do that. I just imagine I won't want to look at the kitchen for the rest of the visit after all of my baking is done. Tangent aside though, I bought a train ticket, so what else could be mentioned of yesterday? One thing that sticks out in my mind, to Squeeze's absolute dismay, if not disgust, was that Evo found a baby bedbug crawling on his pant leg, which sent her out to the balcony for an angry smoke. I really wondered if I shouldn't follow her out so she wouldn't be alone, but just stayed on the couch and felt a little awkward, then she came back in, the couch Evo had been sitting on was checked, and we all relocated back to the bedroom. After that, I had various parts of my body picked at with tweezers for a while, then Evo left, and we got into leaving fun marks on each others' necks, which I kind of hope Manoah will notice at work later tonight. If so, I'm supposed to tell him that we were doing "innocent non-molesty things", and... yeah. We showered together again afterward, which was a little more along those lines, and also made me feel nice and clean, which I needed before returning to work. Past that, I only want to take a moment to say that I like how according to Squeeze, I'm a natural when it comes to those sorts of things. Relevant experience before now has been utterly nonexistent, yet by just going with what feels right, things do go along pretty well. She will hate me for mentioning it (and I just told her as much), but there was also one point where I was effectively just playing with / rubbing her legs, and one of us farted. The look on her face was absolutely priceless, and I'll just leave it at that.
Needless to say, it's been an eventful better part of a week again, but in a way, I am looking forward to going back to work tonight, to have unrelated things to busy myself with for a little while. I might even start packing up now, so I'm ready to go come 6:30, but I'll get there. In a couple minutes, anyway~
What can I say about three days worth of events in less than ten minutes? Probably not as much as I'd like to, I'm afraid, but let's see here anyway. Today, I slept until about 3:30, and laid in bed for what felt like a good couple hours after that. I'm still over staying at Squeeze's place, yes, which has been ongoing since Sunday night, in roughly the same way as before. I don't have to work tonight, so I could pretty well just stay here once again, but at 6:00, I will be going out to get a train ticket for going to Toronto, and following that, there will be other things to be dealt with. I'm not sure if Mom / Dad will take my having been home for only ~10 minutes since Sunday as indication that I won't be around to wash the dishes, but if those don't get done, I'll be doing those, and possibly taking some food from supper to bring back here. From there, it's just a matter of... preparation, specifically related to going away again, and trying to deal with all these little lingering things that I've had to deal with for at least the better part of a month now. I made up a list at work yesterday, but didn't so much as pull out my wallet to have a look at it when I got back here. I really should make an effort to start that tonight (I have a couple ideas in mind that could help, anyway), but the problem there lies in what we end up doing. I'm not going to go into details, because they're rather private, but consider yesterday afternoon, for example. I had to start work at 8, but also wanted to go get some groceries even though Mom and Naomi had already gone out, so I called Mom, and she said she could come by to pick me up at 6:30. From 6:00 to ~6:25, we did some enjoyable and new things, and then I had to go meet Mom as if nothing had ever happened. It's not bad, but our timing and ability to not get distracted could certainly stand some improvement.
Things today / yesterday aside though, it has been an interesting several days. I'm still struggling with that whole idea of thinking I should feel differently than I actually do, but even Squeeze said yesterday that she could tell just by the way I looked at and touched her that I did love her, in a way that showed through without being said. In a way though, it is at times even more distressing that other people can see in me something I am unable to see in myself. Maybe it really is clouded over by uncertainty and taking things too seriously, but all other things aside, with the utmost honesty and sincerity, I do want to continue to know her like that. I don't just mean in a cutesy way, but rather as the sort of person I used to know back when we talked in Skype every day. Again, that's where taking things too seriously comes in, but just... yeah. I'm getting there. That's really all I can say. Aside from that though, it's now nearly an hour past when I was planning to leave, so I should get ready to head out. I'm thinking I might just walk down to the bank, then ask for a ride out to Via Rail and back around to here afterward, but we'll see about that. I feel like I've been getting more rides than I have been walking recently, but less time spent outside would mean more time for me to take care of that pile of small things here. One way or the other though, it's time to go get started~
No time to say anything today. Work yesterday night went better than Friday, but I was pretty tired / out of it again. Once at home, I had an almost three hour voice chat with Squeeze, which went from us being all glum and serious, to laughing about sausages, and her saying she felt alot better for us talking about what we had. I then slept 'til almost 5, and she woke up at 6, which prevented me from going over there in the afternoon, but one way or the other, I'll see her after work, and I'm looking forward to it.
Outside of that though, it's time I was leaving now. I hope it's not as busy as the past couple nights were~
What are some words that I could use to describe the way I feel right now? Anxious, obviously, but it's in kind of a strange way, which leads me to sadness, but at the same time, hopefulness as well. There's also a certain amount of annoyance toward how I have to work tonight, because ideally, I would want as much time as I need without distractions or obligations or anything else of the sort to write about the past four days. It started with the voice chat Squeeze and I had on Saturday night that made me uncomfortable, but turned into something entirely different by the end of last night. Keeping in mind that nothing related to any three letter words happened, we even showered together, and I enjoyed that. I was incredibly nervous at first, but then we got in, and I started doing my thing, albeit with different shampoo, and alot of the tension was quite figuratively just washed away. There was even one point where I was just standing under the shower head, directly facing her (entirely naked, mind you), and the sole thought on my mind was "This water feels so nice". She also more or less washed my back, which was unexpected but helpful, because I don't usually touch it, and that was more or less everything. I had to make a point of washing my bracelets, because they'd be in a difficult state right now if I hadn't done anything with them, and... yeah. I have to say writing about that has been a bit weird. I really wanted to at first, because of how significant it seemed, then I started getting caught up in the details - specifically, thinking about more than I feel is reasonable to say in here - and I felt incredibly anxious, then I got to thinking about other related things that were said / asked last night, and now I feel a strange calmness. It's better than anxiety, to be sure, but it also makes me really want to finish this and other things here in time to be able to go over to see her for a bit before work.
Getting back to other things though, it has just been a really interesting / enjoyable several days. Considering how things have gone in Toronto with regards to sleeping, I genuinely didn't believe I wouldn't have a problem with sleeping in bed with her. If nothing else, being that physically close to another person / feeling them constantly breathing on me would have to be annoying, yet you look at the past four days, and how last night, I had to cuddle one of my other body pillows in order to fall asleep, and the exact opposite seems to be the case. I really enjoy(ed) waking up in the morning with her next to me, and reaching over to give her a light squeeze (I actually capitalized that at first...) / hug, and to brush her face and hair. Also, as I remarked to her, when I'm sleeping on my own, I tend to pull the blanket up right over my head, and make a little opening in front of my face to breathe out of. When I first told her about / showed her that, she said she did the same, but guess what neither of us did? That's right, and it felt entirely right / normal. I think on that somewhat random note, this is going to be done here though, so I can go take care of the dishes before 6:00. I'm thinking that if I get those done quickly enough, I can head over there right after, and make the most of my time. Now if I could just feel slightly more awake...