Previous 20

Saturday, June 27th, 2015

From Bad to Good

Quickish entry here to touch on some things that I was just talking to myself about upstairs.

I keep thinking about Jen. I keep thinking about the way things were when we were together, and how they'll likely have changed for her, now that we're apart. Camo stuff, for instance. Ever since the fabric issue, I was incredibly protective of anything with such a pattern, to the point where I felt panicked if there was anything being done with it outside of my control. This would include her mentioning having always loved camo stuff, in regards to clothes. Presently, I find myself thinking that she could very well have started to wear camo stuff again. I wouldn't be surprised at all, and indeed, she has every right to. That thought makes me a bit panicked itself though, and why? Because though I want my feelings on camo stuff to change, I want them to change for her, in such a way, and under the assumption that nothing will have changed between June 2nd and August 2nd compared to the way things used to be between us. The idea of her doing whatever she pleases kind of throws a wrench in that though. If she's either already started, or plans to start wearing camo stuff again before August, then my wanting to change is moot, because I'd have wanted to change for her. Understand so far?

So here I am, standing in the bedroom upstairs, looking out the window and feeling all anxious. Trying to figure out what to do, and, extremely pessimistically, telling myself that it would just have been easier in the long run if we were done and done back on the 2nd of June. That said, I could sense a glimmer of hope in the way I was feeling. That there was some good to be found in it, if only I could unearth whatever that good was. As of now, I think I've made semi-decent progress.

I look at it this way. It's reasonable enough to want to change for her, but for as long as we can't have any communication, it's unfair to me, because I won't know what changes she's made herself. Therefore, I need to rely on what I know, which, in this case, is my side of things. Concerning camo stuff? I need to look at the situation, and realize my over-protectiveness of anything having to do with that all started with the pant leg(s). I need to - hard as it may seem, take all the feelings I had then, and still have now over fabric and camo and everything else related thereto, put them all in a box, put a nice, sturdy lid on the box, and store it away someplace safe. Concerning fabric, I need to realize that until we've really talked about it - and I mean *really* - even if she does start to use fabric for crafts or whatever between now and August - such as fixing a piece of Conner's buggy - she'll hide that from me as best as she possibly can. I wouldn't be surprised if, when it comes to camo stuff, she was wearing such clothing now, for herself, and come August, when we meet up, though she would want to wear it, she would hold off, because she wouldn't be sure how I would feel.

I need to take a factual, critical look at the problems I face with whatever things that cause those problems, and figure out how to change them for myself, and only for myself, so that no matter what happens with Jen in the future, I'll already be covered, and that's EXACTLY what she, my parents, and anybody else would be talking about when they say I have to want to change for myself. I truly didn't see the difference or problem before, but I do now. The alternative is that I change for Jen, and while that might get me through for a little bit, it's only going to be a matter of time until I find myself with another seemingly insurmountable problem. I need to do whatever I can to be a happier person for myself - much as I legitimately despise saying that - and in turn, the relationships that I have, and will continue to establish with people will be that much happier.

That said, there are things that I still want to do with Jen. There's stuff related to camo, and there's stuff related to fabric, and if I could have my way, we'd sit and talk for an entire day, from dawn 'til dusk, but... I suppose I can hope. Looking at my calendar, the 2nd is a Sunday, and the 3rd is a Monday, both of which I have booked off, so if she's up for the idea, maybe we can just talk about our past, and how to proceed from there.

I'm pretty pleased, actually. Today has gone from being panicked and anxious and sick and tired of hearing Adam and Trish and Ericka that I was upstairs pretty well cursing Jen for everything that happened between us, and blaming her for alot of it, and generally seeing work as something that would be incredibly difficult to get through, but now, it seems a little more doable. Especially for the circumstances tonight. I forgot, that just before I had my two weeks off, the schedule had three people on weekend closes, which is still the case now. Last night, with Orlando, Tom, and I, I was on drive thru all night, and Tom went home at 3. Tonight, I'll have the option to be on line, and to be the one to leave at 3 instead, but I'm... undecided. Drive thru would be better for earning a bit of money in tips, so long as the dishes were covered, and being done right at 3 would allow me more time at home to work on Flight Rising and whatnot (almost to another million treasure!), but then, I wouldn't be able to walk home with Orlando. I don't know. I'll just wait and see what I feel like doing tonight.

Also, Orlando informed me last night that our "demolition date" is October 1st. Meaning we'll probably be closed mid-September. Meaning that I'll still have to book days off to take Jen out for her birthday. That is something to look forward to... I just hope she's okay with doing things on our own, instead of going out with whoever else...

So yeah. Jen? If and when you read this, I love you, and I'd really like to know what you think of it.

Otherwise, off to see what work has in store tonight. Rain, if nothing else...

Tuesday, June 23rd, 2015

I'm... So... Tired...

I swear... it's only ten after ten right now, and I'm ready to just pack things up, head upstairs, and call it a night. Do you suppose that could be because I've been awake since ~7:40 this morning? I don't know what came over me... I woke up having to go to the bathroom really bad, so I went, and felt awake enough, and apparently just decided to be awake from there. That said, it has been a productive day. I have...

> Taken care of Flight Rising, including more grinding for Immaculate Tablets
> Put away the green rug that I'd previously brought to be used at Jen's house
> Fixed both of my PSPs. I'm hoping to offer the second one to Jen on extended (in other words, indefinite) loan, since there are games that I downloaded and got working specifically for her on there
> Ripped the entirely of that Top 10 Proofs CD series. My laptop disc drive must be dirty or something, because there were constant problems with it, yet the drive in the desktop computer worked flawlessly
> Started work on another personal project. Nature? Indeterminate
> Went out to do some running around with mom and Naomi, and bought a few things related to the above personal project
> Continued working on a different aspect of said personal project
> Had supper - shepherd's pie - with mom and dad
> Went to my appointment with Al Edmonds
> Stopped in at work on the way home for a fry box and a drink, and Tim Hortons for an Oreo donut, and Oreo iced capp
> Did even more work on that personal project. It's coming along nicely

I think the most interesting part of the day though was the appointment. It started just the same as the other one, but tonight, the topic of focus was insecurity, and when it came time for letting my mind go and seeing what sorts of similar memories drifted to the surface, I just kept going on and on and on, to the point where we were well past Theophostic, and more into legit counseling and trying to work things out. Mind you, I wasn't pushing for that or anything, it's just what happened, and indeed, after much listening, and writing things down, he himself said he felt like he was out of his depth. That he was still willing to listen, and to even set up an appointment to just talk, but, to my interpretation, that the problems I'm facing are better left to a proper mental health professional.

So that's a thing (yay roahmmythril).

For one, I have a lot of respect for the guy for doing what he does, and I can very clearly see how there are plenty of people out there who would be helped by his process. For two, I find myself mildly embarrassed, and feeling like I wasted his time. It is two people now (outside of family) who have availed themselves to talk if I ever feel the need, and as I was saying to him, it's nice to be able to actually talk, and have a proper conversation face to face about things instead of online with somebody, but if I do call him to set up another appointment, I'm going to have to at some point ask for sure if he's alright with just talking. No matter who I've talked to so far, I haven't expected them to help me solve my problems. Know what a sounding board is? People like that make a world of difference to me. What I would love beyond anything is to know somebody who would go on a walk with me - one of my aimless walks where I'm just in the mood to go out, and end up going alot farther than I expected - and listen to anything I had to say, no matter how negative or how alarming, and just let me get it out. I wrote an entry yesterday that was intended to be public when I started, but got more and more dark as I went along, for things that were on my mind, and the way I was feeling. At first, it was set so only Jen and Dan could read it, then I made it private, then I edited it a bit to make it less hateful and inciteful, and made it protected again, then, within the night, changed it to private once more, and that's how it's probably going to stay. I want to get these negative emotions out - all the things I've repressed and tried not to think about over the years - but I'm afraid of turning back into that hateful little ball that I used to, but pretended not to be. I used to consider myself a misanthrope. Laugh. I want to do something about the way that I feel, but I don't want anything bad to come of it, and if, say, I'm at home and the opportunity presents itself to grab a cushion off the couch and scream at the top of my lungs into it, I don't want anybody else to be around, because I don't want to alarm them and have them come down asking what's wrong and if I want to talk.

So what else is there to say now? This house is due to become really quiet in a couple days. Adam's already away in Wisconsin, and as of Thursday, Naomi will be going to stay with Ty and his grandparents for a bit. Yeah, I'll have work to keep me busy, and my own things to work on during days off, including hopefully going back to the lake with mom so I can start to tell her my side of things for the past many years, but all in due time, I guess. Before I know it, Adam will be back with Trish and Ericka in tow, and that living room, which has become my area when I'm not up and doing anything else, will be overrun with Trish's belongings, and Adam's belongings, and Ericka's things (I love her to death, but I do not want her sitting next to me constantly), and I'll be driven mildly crazy. I suppose I should enjoy the quiet while it lasts...

So now... if I am to get to one last personal thing that I want to do before midnight, I should do that now, and then maybe get to bed.

Oh! I forgot about last night. I laid down pretty early, and went to bed needing to clean myself up, but I couldn't be bothered, which was different, and kind of nice. Sleeping was here and there, because my thoughts toward Jen have been less and less positive lately. Suddenly, at ~3am, which made absolutely no sense to me when I looked at the alarm clock, I was awoken by lightning, and a sharp crack of thunder. Yes, the first legit thunderstorm we've had in a while. And all I could do was lay in bed, paralyzed by something along the lines of mild depression, thinking about how the loud noise probably woke Jen up to, and what she was doing, and how she was feeling, and if she was thinking about me, what with the storm. Does it really matter if she was thinking of me or not? What I ought to have tried to keep in mind was that we always used to enjoy rain, and thunderstorms, so for it to be storming so badly, I should have just laid back and enjoyed it, and reflected positively on the similar timed we've shared before.

But I've now written enough, and need to get on with other final things so I can go call it a night. I don't intend to wake up quite so early tomorrow, but if I want sleep, then that's what I'm going to have...

Sunday, June 21st, 2015

I Just... Can't...

I simply... don't know what to make of these...

Going back a couple entries, I mentioned the Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage DVD series that my dad loaned me, and more or less said that I found them really worthwhile to watch. Since then, I've been relying on various LPs of Megaman Battle Network games for background noise while working on whatever, because I had nothing similar to watch. Today, though...

something entirely different happenedCollapse )

...I'm now starting to get distracted by other things though, which, as always, means I'll end this here. Next time: why these Top 10 Proofs CDs are subjective at best, and how my brain felt listening to them...

Saturday, June 20th, 2015

I Want to Cut the Grass!

Am I going to let this overall good day be ruined because my help is not required? I hope not.

wrote more than expected againCollapse )

Overall though? I don't know. I know it's not a helpful thing to say, but I just don't. I think it's a matter of wanting another opinion, but putting absolutely all the weight of that on one specific person. I love you, Jen, and I honestly wish I knew how to not be this stubborn. What will you think about this entry if you read it come August?

Thursday, June 18th, 2015

[entry for Thursday]

This is kind of impressive, actually. Before, when we were still at the apartment, when I would wake up before Jen and play Tidal Trouble in Flight Rising to earn her treasure, it took about three hours to get to 75,000. Now, perhaps because I'm focusing and really pushing to get it done, or maybe just because of the determination to keep doing that for her, it takes two hours to not only get the 75,000 you can from the Fairground, but also the 3,000 from Tomo's Trivia Tablet, which requires a bit of switching between tabs to find answers. I won't say how much treasure I'm at so far, because I don't want to chance her reading this and the surprise to be spoiled, but I've only missed one day as yet.

It's a nice routine to get into, too. Wake up about 9:30am, get started on that right away, be finished by 11:30-ish, and have all the rest of the day afterward to work on things. Then, anywhere from 11 - 12pm, head upstairs for bed, and be asleep by 1am at latest. I know that's going to change once I go back to work, but something can be figured out for then, too. For today, since I can't remember if I mentioned it previously or not, my next shift will be on Friday the 26th, and I hope to still have enough time to write in here, and get onto the other things I want to do before we go grocery shopping.

I mostly wanted to write about a couple dreams I had last night. As one might guess, they concerned Jen, and it's strange, really, that for the fact that we're separated, and still can't see each other for another month and a half yet, you'd think having those dreams would start my day off in a bad way, but it's only been one single time so far that I've felt anything like that. Back during the first couple days, I dreamt that I was walking through her house, from the back door to the front, and the only light available was from some candles placed throughout. I didn't see her at all, but with every step I took, I felt more and more like I was entering a space where I wasn't wanted, and like it was wrong for me to even be there. I mentioned that to my dad the following morning, and he said that from what he knows about dreams, usually the things you dream about are the last things to happen in real life.

So bearing that in mind...

(the two I had last night are like polar opposites)

cut for length, because yeahCollapse )

I feel like I use this word a lot lately, but honestly, toward the second one, I would be so overjoyed and ecstatic if that actually happened, but I feel like what my dad has said about things based on his experiences with relationships, and my mom saying there's a lot of hope for us as well has made my thinking kind of jaded. It's not that I feel absolutely certain that after the two months, we'll be back together again, but I feel a lot more hope for that than I did when I went to bed on that Tuesday night.

Overall, it's just... a lot of uncertainty, but there are better things I could be doing right now. Let's start with making phone calls and digging through bins in the back yard to hopefully find a USB stick...

Tuesday, June 16th, 2015

A Mildly Important Thing to Note

Two entries in the same day? How very unlike me.

I was just sitting here though, working on a personal project (if you can call it that), when I remembered something interesting about the way that things happened between Jen and I, that I told mom about, and told dad about, and wanted to write something proper about, but was never quite sure how to do so. Since I still can't justify writing it in my paper journal, to her, this will have to suffice.

I remember the weekend after we finished cleaning the apartment. I remember the first night we were able to sit, and relax, having taken care of our immediate responsibilities.

I can't remember exactly when, but sometime between Thursday and Saturday, I got this feeling that I've had before. The feeling that things were, and had been for long enough to be noticeable, just a bit too perfect. For myself anyway, like I'd become just a bit too settled and content with the way things are going.

"That sounds just fine", you might say, but there's a second half to it.

Things felt just a bit too perfect, and I had this very slight gut feeling that because of that, something was going to go wrong, or would otherwise happen to cause things to change, drastically.

I pushed it out of my head at the time, because I figured it was just a stray thought, that didn't mean anything, but to look at the circumstances now...

It's interesting.

I know I've experienced the same sort of thing before, but I can't remember any of those times. I just remember that feeling that things were going perfectly - too perfect, even - and something bad was on the way.

Maybe that's something I can describe to Al Edmonds eventually, and see what we're able to make of it together.

I don't know. I've never put too much stock into the idea of premonition, and it's something that happens very infrequently at best, but I wonder if there's something to it. Maybe it's the same thing that happened that night for Jen and I before. It was so nice to just be able to sit close to each other, and work on our own individual tasks, but as ideal, or even perfect as that was, it only precipitated that fabric problem, which I've had some pretty serious difficulties with...

A New Sort of Thing

...just to try to keep tabs on things in here...

As mentioned yesterday, I had my first appointment with Al Edmonds today. The original plan was to get dropped off at work, talk to Mary about coming back, and walk up to the church from there, but she ended up being busy, so I walked all the way up, nearly to Gregory Drive first, then sat in the shade outside for about half an hour, and played Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright. Two people pulled up during that time, the first of whom seemed to be a maintenance guy, and the second who would turn out to be Mr. Edmonds. We exchanged a few words as we went inside, then looked for a room to get comfortable in, and ended up deciding on the office. I ended up having to bring a chair in from the hall to sit in...

...and there"s plenty moreCollapse )

Is that all? I've said alot more than I thought I would, but hell, I can just throw an LJ-cut in. Pretty well, for the day overall, Jen is still on my mind as much as she's ever been, but I did something new, and productive for myself, and though it may not have gone completely ideally, it went well enough that I'm hesitantly looking forward to my next appointment. I think that's all I can really ask for...

Monday, June 15th, 2015

Today is a Special Day

Today is a special day.

Today marks the day when, one year ago, Jen and I celebrated our one year anniversary.

Yesterday, without meaning to, I pulled out the card she made for me then. She had said that she couldn't believe a year had passed by already, and that it had been the best year of her life.

Not to be a downer already, but I look at the current situation, and wonder what happened. Moving was a lot of stress, and things as far as me having a problem with whatever were nowhere close to improving prior to that, but I think back, and I remember that the whole pant leg / fabric issue happened back during that year. This current separation aside, assuming it applies, I would consider that our darkest time. We talked about it on and off for at least two weeks before a conclusion was reached that I thought I could be comfortable with, and then, a year or more after that, anything related to crafts, camo-patterned stuff, or similar, brought up bad memories, and that bad experience again, which pretty conclusively points to the situation still not being resolved.

I know wishing isn't going to get me anywhere, as my dad used to say, but I wish I could talk to Jen right now. I wish I could sit down with her and have a serious talk about what happened that night, when she cut the pant legs, and how I felt about it from there. I wish I could have a serious talk with her about our inability to effectively manage difficult situations. Sure, a small percentage of the time, we were able to talk constructively, but most of the time, I would be too beside myself with the way I was feeling, and why I felt that way to think straight, and she would be concentrating just on trying to get me to feel better, or vice versa.

About a week ago, my dad loaned me this series of DVDs called "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage", by Mark Gungor. I was skeptical at first, because as he (dad) puts it, our relationship is currently severed, and even when we were still together, we weren't married, but I figured I'd give them a go. For the first couple sessions, I was actually keeping notes in Notepad of things I didn't think of before, or which I felt would make a difference to keep in mind. Last night, I watched one titled "How to Stay Married and Not Kill Anybody", or somesuch. Near the end, he has all the married couples in the room stand up, and face each other, and repeat after him. There are some religious overtones which wouldn't apply to Jen and I, but I swear, from the bottom of my heart, before he was even halfway through, I was in tears wanting to say those same things to Jen. I wrote an entry in my journal about it too, and the relevant part is as follows (paraphrased, as I said in there, where applicable):

I'm sorry, Jen, for not always being the kind of person I should have been to you. For not giving you the attention you deserved. For being too caught up in my own world, instead of our world. For demanding too much, and not giving enough. For not loving you like I should have. Please forgive me, with your love, your support, your patience, and your thoughts. I will strive to be the kind of person that I want to be toward you, for you.

I have to say retyping that in the past tense sucks alot, but it doesn't sound right otherwise. And you know what? It still applies. I wanted to say it in here, because of how important, strong, and meaningful the words are to me, but the whole of me hopes this entry slips under Jen's nose, and one day, I can look into her eyes, and probably start tearing up really fast, and take about twice as long to say it as it would normally as a result, but to say those exact words to her.

I continued on as well:

...I still have tears rolling down my cheeks... You are the one I want to be with, Jen. After crafts, fabric, and cigarette smoke, and any other issues that we've faced, you are the one I want to be with

[...]

I love you Jen, with all my heart, and I want nobody else but you.

I could be worried that I'm coming on too strong, but to hell with that. It's what I feel, and believe, from the very bottom of my soul.

...today is a special day...

I would be absolutely overjoyed if Jen was thinking of it too, and wanted to do something just to acknowledge it, as I have plans for her, but I can only vaguely guess how she's feeling based on how I knew her before. What I think? She remembers, and either she's like me, and is hopeful for the future, or is not like me, and wants to push all thoughts of it out of her head.

For me? I want to do something within the day to give a silent nod to it. I want to go out to Dollarama when Adam and mom go to get milk, and look for special paper so I can make her something. I would absolutely love to order her Boston Pizza or such online, pay for it at the same time, and have it delivered to her at home without her having to do anything for it, but so far as I know, they only accept payment at the door, and it's just the sort of thing that, while I alone would like to do it, I wouldn't want to if she's still set on the idea of us not getting back together, because it would ruin her night.

I have some plans for the day myself anyway. Watch Youtube videos related to driving to study up for when I actually have the money to go for the test, then help to teach mom how to do something she wants to learn, and start writing down what sorts of things I want help with, or which I'd like to change in myself, since I have an appointment with Al Edmonds at 2pm tomorrow. Mom, dad, and I were talking about the fabric issue yesterday, and mom just went off for herself about how that's exactly the sort of thing that he might be able to help me with. She told a story about a friend of hers, or a friend of a friend or something had this aversion to perfume that she couldn't explain. Through going to see him (Al Edmonds) she was able to uncover the reason for why that was (though mom didn't explain...), and afterward, she had no problem being around people wearing or just plain smelling perfume anymore. Honestly, I'm incredibly hopeful, but I won't know what's going to happen until I get there. It's going to be interesting walking up to the church tail and ears and all. If I'm to call him tomorrow to confirm that I'm coming, I should tell him he'll know me when he sees me...

I just know that the one thing I want to stop doing is sitting on this couch all day. Yes, I have been and plan to continue keeping a firm habit of earning the ~78,000 treasure I can get in Flight Rising each day, which takes around three hours, but after that, there's no reason to continue to sit here. Yesterday evening, I finally finished clearing off the shelves of things that weren't mine up in that bedroom, and rinsed the dust off of them in the shower, so there's absolutely no reason that I can't bring the rest of my towels, and other toiletries / personal hygiene products up. I keep hearing Adam talk to Trish every night, most recently about how it's only six days until he goes there, and that corner of the living room needs to be cleared out and vacuumed by the time they get here. Although I had mixed feelings for a bit, I put the bin containing my PuffyPaws wolf out into my enclosure in the backyard yesterday, and I'm sure these box fans could go out as well, since the bedroom I'm using is pretty small, and there's an air conditioner / fan sat right in the window. I'll need to figure out something to do with my portable air conditioner too, but as far as that's concerned, I'll try lending it to Adam and Trish for the summer, to use in their room, ask dad if it could be used anywhere else second, offer it to Jen to use, again for the summer third, and if there's still no interest, either put it up in the closet in my old room, or out in the enclosure too. There's just... stuff upon stuff upon stuff, and most of it could easily be dealt with, or put into storage.

Come tomorrow or Wednesday, I need to call Mary to talk to her about coming back to work as well. As of last Thursday, I had / have two weeks off for personal leave, because I couldn't cope with the stress of everything that was on my mind in addition to work, and though I know going back won't be completely stress-free, I'd rather do that than sit here aimlessly, and be making money for it, because it's nice to have money. It'll be alright, though if I'm honest, I would rather not just be back on closes, but that's where I got most of my hours before, so I'd probably have to settle.

I'm starting to ramble now though, so let's wrap this up, shall we?

I wasn't going to say it before but...

I love you, Jen. Even though we're separated, I love you. Even though we can't rightly celebrate, Happy Anniversary! If we could suspend not having any communication with each other for two months for just a couple hours, I would dig out that gift card mom gave me for Christmas, and put the rest on my credit card to take us out to supper. You are so much more than worth it, and I want you to know that. In my heart, you are still my weirdo, and that means even more now than the day we came up with that way of putting it.

... ♥

Wednesday, June 3rd, 2015

This is My Life...

Public entry? Yep. That's the way we're doing things now. Read on if you wish, but if not, no hard feelings.

I've been awake since about 9:30am. Couldn't say when I went to bed, but it was maybe an hour or so after midnight. I woke up around 5 or so, was awake for a little bit from there, eventually couldn't keep my eyes open, woke up again around 8, fell asleep once more, and when I woke up the final time, I decided I would just write in my newest journal book about the way I was feeling, and the day went from there. I started writing up in Adam's old room, since that's where I'm staying now, but eventually relocated downstairs to the living room, because I didn't feel right still being cooped up. I stayed there for long enough to finish writing, came out here to the desktop computer, set up things so I could watch something on Youtube and play Tidal Trouble on Flight Rising - from my account no less! At some point, Dad came back, and gave me $40, as we agreed last night, then I wrote in my book again, then Mom woke up, and came downstairs, and we all went out in the back yard to talk.

I don't know how long we talked for - an hour, at least - but though I got emotional during, Dad commented near the end that I seemed more calm, and indeed, not only was it a help to talk, but I also had more options for things. Mom loaned me three of her books - "Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?", "The Secret of Staying in Love", and "Why am I Afraid to Love?" all by John Powell, and I was told that both my dad and Adam have contacted Al Edumnds, a "lay pastor" in my mom's words, at the church over on Victoria St, in regards to counseling. It's no substitute to seeing a professional, and indeed, I have appointments lined up for the 2nd and 16th of July, but I do need to remember to call and confirm those 48 hours in advance come time. What's more, the three of us have all agreed to continue talking, and I even suggested to my mom that it might be nice to go for a walk with her sometime, and talk even there.

I feel bad though, knowing that all this stuff is becoming available to me, and Jen still has to deal with things on her own. I don't know if it's just that I need more help than she does, or what, and I know that in all actuality, I should be able to write as I please, and say whatever I like without having to consider her feelings, but I can't do that.

We are separated. As of yesterday night, our relationship was dissolved, and though things between us aren't fully over, it still makes me emotional - in a good way, a bad way, and everything else in between - to remember standing on the porch, and to be holding her head in my hands ever so gently, and to see the smile in her eyes, to caress her in a loving, caring way, and to tell her "bye bye for now", and "I'll be okay if you'll be okay". I know it hasn't fully hit me yet, because the feelings have only started to surface today, but she's gone. Because of my inaction in regards to getting help with my problems, I wasted the last chance we had - the one that I fought for - and she's gone. Not gone for good, because we both wrote to each other in the kitchen about how we wanted to remain friends, but for the two months that she needs - that I need - that we need to figure ourselves out, and to improve for her, and get the help that I need and to improve for me, we will have no contact whatsoever.

It's hard, but compared to yesterday, when I was over there and we were still talking as just the two of us, and I seriously saw my only option as to admit myself into the hospital, and pretty well lose control of my life for the sake of getting help, things have improved. Just going back to yesterday, never in all the 30 years I've lived so far would I have imagined the night where I had my parents over to my girlfriend's place, and largely entirely on my own, explain what was happening, and why it was happening. Even more significantly, I'm kind of floored that I admitted still having suicidal thoughts to them. At one point, while it was just Jen and I still talking, hearing her just sobbing, sitting on the steps, as she realized that I haven't even been trying to change - not intentionally, but what can be done now - was getting to me badly enough that I had to get out. I went out into the back yard, and crouched down in the corner, and as she said, apparently my camo [clothes] worked well, because she was rushing around the house in a panic, calling my name and checking all the rooms, because she legitimately thought I'd gone off to do something stupid. The kicker? While I was out there, I heard a train approaching on the nearby tracks. In that moment, all of the craziness and imbalance and done-ness in my mind nearly saw me get up, and run full stride - long at hard - toward the train. But I didn't, and I won't do it now, for a couple reasons. The main one? Even though Jen and I are separated, I still care very deeply about her. She said more than once, even last night, that if, because of things, I killed myself, the guilt, and knowing that I was gone because of what she said would figuratively, if not possibly literally, even, kill her too. The other reason is that having told mom and dad, I can't go off and off myself without feeling that I'm causing them disappointment (I know that doesn't sound strong enough), and letting them down. Even with Jen, when she gave me that letter before, she made me promise to her that I wouldn't do anything stupid. I wanted to keep that promise then, but when things between us seemed to start getting better again, I thought the worry for her was gone. For me, though, with my personality, and my attachment to her being of the sort where anything wrong between us caused my whole world to fall apart, when things did start to go back to the way they had been again, and things started going wrong again, suicide did come to mind, but that time, I kept it entirely to myself, for figuring that if she didn't know, I could have it as one final option. One last thing I could do for myself to be done with the way I was feeling, and to let the people whose lives I affected - Jen, namely - eventually go back to normal.

But that doesn't matter anymore. It may be kind of a hard, emotional thing to read, but it's in the past, and like everything else, the best I can do is hope to learn from it. In a more personal way, I would never have seen the day come when I told my parents about my personal interests. Balloons? Inflatables? Fabric? They may never know or understand the full extent of what they are to me, but compared to that day I told dad about last night when Tabby had gone under the chair in my room and he pulled it up to find my stash of balloons, and was pretty unhappy, it's quite a different situation. As it stands though, the most comfort that really offers is that I don't have to feel awkward and guilty about some of the things I'm storing in the basement.

So as to where things stand now, I need to find a way to adjust. I need to fully accept the fact that while Jen is not completely gone from my life, she won't be there for a fair amount of time, and even when she comes back, it won't be in the same way as before.

I need to adjust to life again. If there's one thing I intend to not do this time around, it's to spend all of my free time up in whatever room I'm occupying. I don't care if that means I have to dig out my Wii, or WiiU, or 3DS, or whatever other gaming thing, and just sit in the living room and play when I don't have anything else to keep myself busy. I have a new journal book, like I said, which in one day I've already written two entries in, as well as I have mom and dad to talk to, when they're not busy, and I have this Al Edmo
nds to contact eventually, and even Adam, since I'm told he can be a really good guy to talk to, despite his silly, joking attitude that people normally see. If absolutely all else fails, I can even admit myself into the hospital too, but such as it is, that feels like an extreme step now. To do so is not outside of consideration, but if that ever ends up happening, it won't be without a lot of thought, and talking with my parents.

I do have practical things to occupy my time. Within the next couple months ideally, but before summer is out at latest, I want to have my G1. I want to actually go to the Goodwill Career Centre, and tell them that the location at which I am currently employed will be closed before the end of the year for renovations, and that I'd like to not only find a new job in the meantime, but I'd like to pursue an actual career as well. In less than a month now, I have a 10am appointment with the intake nurse at the mental health clinic in the hospital, and an appointment with an actual psychiatrist two weeks after that. These are all things that I want to do not only for myself, so I can get my life steered back in the right direction again, but also for Jen, so that come two months from now, I can send her a message in Skype, and we can talk about how we've improved.

To be wistful for a moment, I almost feel that this is exactly what needed to happen, as hard as it is. I needed to no longer have Jen, or to be able to see Jen, so I could fully appreciate her for everything that she actually meant to me, and to learn from my mistakes, and to be a better person for it, because let's face facts. While we were still in a relationship, I couldn't see the forest for the trees, for myself, or for her. One of the things that I wrote in my first personal journal entry today was "I'm sorry [Jen] for, in our relationship, focusing more on things - material objects - than you". I like to think it started out well, but ever since the damned pant legs, things just went downhill.

Back to today though, other than talking to mom and dad, I played Tidal Trouble some more, poked around the other pages in Flight Rising, and tried my hand at the 200-question G1 test. On that, I'm surprised with my score of 81%. After that, I tried the 40-question test, and got a grade of 93%. Links?

http://www.g1.ca/g1-practice-test/
http://www.mto.gov.on.ca/english/dandv/driver/handbook/section1.0.0.shtml

I'm pretty pleased with my results, and in mom's words, I could have my G1 by next week at this rate. It's something to think about, huh?

But really, everything else aside, as my parents put it while we were all talking - Jen included - last night, now is the beginning of the time that I need for myself. Though it may be only natural to want Jen there with me, I need to accept that she's gone, and be happy with what we still have, which is honestly a lot, compared to where things could have ended up. Come some time in August, we'll actually be able to see each other again, but for now, this is my time, that I need for myself.

As Jen would say, just one step, or one day at a time...

Friday, April 24th, 2015

(no subject)

...had I not spent as much money as I did yesterday, I might consider that... A couple days ago, Butters puked on my laptop keyboard. Through a combination of compressed air, paper towels, and rubbing alcohol, I was able to get it cleaned up, but there was a catch. While I was still trying to figure out how to best deal with the mess, I thought about taking all the keys off the keyboard and giving it a proper cleaning that way. Then started with the space bar, because I remember that one being the most difficult to put back on from the first laptop I had. I messed up. After some scratches, and minor warping of soft metal, and much aggravation toward a certain cat, the most ideal fix I have has it seated properly, but a couple of the plastic clips on either side have broken off, so it only works in the middle, meaning I have to stretch my thumb kind of strangely. eBay does of course have replacement keyboards, so I could buy one of those and cross my fingers for things going better a second time, but they're ~$43 each, which is a bit much right now. See, yesterday was a pretty busy, pretty fun day, but money certainly did not go the way it usually does.

in as best chronological order as I can manage (plus 24 hour time yay)Collapse )

Where money is concerned, at the beginning of the day, I had ~$460 in my savings, and ~$850 in my checking. Also, I owed ~$210 on my credit card. As of now, my savings account has been closed, so I have only checking, which is at about $250, and credit, and my credit card, which had been paid off, is now sitting at ~$340. Woo. I miss the time when going out had to wait until the week after I'd been paid. At least then, it felt like my money was lasting a bit longer.

As for today, there isn't too much going on yet, but I would like to have my leftovers from last night and do whatever over here for a bit. Perhaps hook up the WiiU and play the game I got yesterday. I really should~

Tuesday, April 7th, 2015

The Same Problem as Always

Not that I even know this will go anywhere, but I need to try something, otherwise I'm just going to sit here 'til almost 5 feeling conflicted and slightly miserable.

I slept in until almost 1pm today. That was nice, though I recall the sleep part being slightly weird, due to Butters waking both of us up, then being too cold, eventually followed by too warm. I'm also disappointed in myself for seemingly having given up completely on waking up with Jen at 8 and being awake 'til she gets Conner off to school in order to help with anything pertaining to that, but honestly, I could start again as soon as tomorrow, and would like to, in fact. It's only one hour to be awake, and then when 9:00 comes and I am able to lay back down, it'll feel that much nicer for being able to fall back asleep.

So anyway, I got up just before 1 today, checked things on my laptop, then went off to the bathroom. Jen was in the tub, I assumed to wash her hair, but given the quiet now, she's probably fallen asleep. It came up that earlier in the morning, while I'd still been asleep, she and Michelle had been texting back and forth, and, surprise of surprises, Michelle had a request. I hoped for anything but the obvious, so I looked at Jen expectantly, but my hopes were dashed when she explained that Michelle was looking for more money. $150 worth of money, to be exact.

If I look at my money file right now, I see that they borrowed $475 during March, and gave me $100 back on the 28th. From there, in the single week of April that we've had so far, they've borrowed another $240. $150 would push that up to $390, when we're seriously only about a quarter of the way through the month. Back on Saturday, Orlando came up to get that $240, and that left my savings envelope with only three fives in it. That also left a bad taste in my mouth (so to speak) because at least $40 of that money was mine, from my checking account, that I'd withdrawn for whatever personal expenses, and put in there only so I wouldn't be carrying cash unnecessarily. The idea was that as I actually needed money, I could take some from there, but only however much was actually NEEDED, for groceries, to give an example.

Sometime between that night and before work the next, I came up with what I felt was a decently solid idea. From that point on, only the money I had in that one envelope in my money box would be available for her to borrow. At any point, but only at HIS discretion, Orlando could explain that some expense was a necessity, and I could take the amount from my savings account, but only if it's serious, serious "We need this money or we're screwed" type of thing. For instance, at first, Michelle wanted only $200 back on the weekend. The extra $40 was so she could get Easter candy for Lucas. Maybe I don't get it, in that me and parenting are currently separate entities, but that is not a necessary expense. Sure, you'll feel bad that you can't get him anything, and I'll probably feel like a dick for a good long while for saying "No", but life will go on just fine without candy, and in a best case scenario, it could end up being a positive push toward her wanting to manage her money more responsibly.

For today, I don't know. What I want to do is say no, because I do only have $15 in my box, and that Orlando and will talk about it tomorrow, and if it is something they really need need NEED, we'll have to stop at the bank, but I need to figure something else out for myself. I had imposed a medium-hard limit of $1,000 before, so do I scratch that, say $2,000 is the maximum total amount they can borrow now, and stick to that with more intent and purpose than ever before? I could start charging interest, but I frankly can't be bothered with working that out. I can't remember what it was the last time I added it up, but as of right now - 2:08pm, Tuesday, April 7th, 2015 - Will, Jen, Orlando and Michelle, and Linda (Jen's mom) collectively owe me $8,521.18. I know alot of that comes from her mom's expenses, but seriously. FOUR people. EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS. And to make matters better, Will came over for the first time in at least a year yesterday, since he was down for the weekend. From talking prior, my impression was that he'd be bringing me $221 cash (I remember the cash part being emphasized), and yet when he got here, all that was said of it was "Did I ever send you an e-Transfer?" "No? Shit. I'll have to do that when I get back home... Won't have any money until then." Now now, I have no reason to NOT believe him as of yet, but even that seems rather convenient.

So that's where things stand with money for today. For myself even, I want to buy a couple remastered / restored Lapfox Trax albums, for which I always pay $5 each, even if they're free. I also need to do my daily money transfer, which is... 38 cents. Woo. Then I'll be getting paid in a couple days, which will hopefully be at least $600. Of that, $167.60 will go to pay off my credit card, $20 will go to Jen's mom for gas, $30 to our date at Coffee Culture Thursday morning, and approximately $80 will go to pay for supper on Friday, tentatively, which I add only because of current money matters. I sincerely wonder how Orlando will afford to take them out for supper when they always seem to go through his pay just like that. For myself though, that's only ~$300 that I'll have left virtually just as soon as I get paid, and that's not counting for possibly going out grocery shopping. The prospect is... acceptable, I suppose. I already know I'll be making more on my next pay anyway, having worked seven-something hours on Good Friday.

On a personal note, I am disappointed for the weekend now. Yes, we still have plans on Friday, but Saturday is where most of my thought had been going. For most of the afternoon and possibly evening as well, Jen will be at a baby shower. I asked for the day off, and as such, I will be here, probably enjoying the quiet, since Conner will also be in care of Tom at her mom's house, and quite possibly not doing much else. She should be back by late evening though, and it's that thought that got me to thinking. There's a movie out right now - Home - which she wants to go see, and I think looks funny based on the previews. My mind was all going with thoughts of how we could go out once she got home, to see the movie, and to go to Walmart, and to just have a fun date night minus supper, since that would be too much this weekend. I was even thinking we could go to the fabric store, which was the main draw for me, but their website says they're only open 'til 5 on Saturdays, and I'm assuming Jen will still be out then. I know for the movie, if we can't see it in the theater, we could still wait for a bit until a non-cam version is available online, and make special plans to order pizza and watch it here, and I know we should also be focusing on moving, but the desire to sit back, relax, make plans, and go out to have fun together is still there just as strong as ever, and I feel like all the bigger opportunities to do something like that (excluding small things like going to Coffee Culture for lunch on Thursday, in this case) end up being prevented for one reason or another.

Now that Jen's up and at her computer though, I'm going to do something else with my time. Once she leaves to get Conner, I will post it, and when she gets back... We'll see what happens~

Thursday, April 2nd, 2015

And Now, a General Entry

So it seems LiveJournal started something new recently, if not just today. Invite old friends back, and if they post a single entry - a single character, even - both you and that person will get one month of free paid account time, up to five months. So... yay? Here I thought I'd received a comment, and since I've posted only two entries recently, both of which are still only visible to two people on my friends list, I got rather excited. Oh, and they go on to add that the person who successfully invites the most people back will get a "permanent paid account". So a permanent account. At least I can be satisfied knowing that though my activity has gone from regular to nonexistent in recent years, my status thereto still stands.

That said, what's going on today? I realized that as it's not quite 1pm yet, Thunderbird still has to do its updating for the day, and then I got to thinking that I didn't write anything at all last week, for not being in the mood, so why not fill time today, when I won't be able to look at random stuff like I usually do? Normally, this would be a day off for me as well, so I could be thinking about all the fun stuff I could do afterward, but as it happens, I've taken a shift for Logan today, and thus will be working from 4 - 11. Jen's fast asleep in the tub, having gotten only about three hours of sleep yesterday, Conner is enjoying some chips and juice, and Butters is... somewhere. Probably in the bedroom slowly but surely still digging into my old wood money box. I really need to move that thing.

So money is a thing recently. Up until Tuesday night, I was on track to keeping $500 in my checking account 'til next Thursday. There was a chance of having no choice but to go below that, both for going to get taxes done, and for taking Jen's mom out to Country View for her birthday, which was just back on the first. Things change, though, and sure enough, they changed in such a way that I ended up withdrawing $200 and going out to Dollarama and Walmart on my own. See, Jen had to watch Mikey, and he just so happened to poop. Not a pleasant experience in any case, but cleanup was a bit of a mess, and her resulting frustration and anger and general bad mood made me uncomfortable to where I decided the best thing to do would be to go out for a bit. Apparently she thought I said I was going to the mall, but I actually went all the way out to Walmart, which, considering I haven't walked out there in a while, was really nice. I didn't really have anything specific in mind to buy, but still managed to spend about $150 between both places. Then, I decided to walk home along Orangewood / Sandys, since there was mail at the house for me. Who would randomly pull up alongside me about halfway down but Michelle (as in Orlando and Michelle), who then offered me a ride, and an explanation of why they hadn't been able to give me money earlier in the afternoon, as originally planned. For my own sake, I should start paying more attention to such details, but there's also a big part of me that wants to sit down with both of them, and plainly explain that I don't care about the how and when. I'd rather they just promised to pay me a modest amount of money ($100, for example) on such a date, and made good on that promise, instead of asking to borrow money, and, in Michelle's case, explaining that she'll be getting so much herself at some point within the next week, and can give me a good chunk of that. To put it a different way, I'd rather get a manageable but still decent amount of money on a regular basis, without having to make special plans for it, instead of being told that the government has finally caught up with themselves or whatever and they're going to be getting $600+ soon and plan to give me a good chunk of that. But that's just me.

Also along the lines of money, I still kind of sort of really want to make special plans for next Thursday. For me, it will be the first of three off, and also for me, I've decided that even with other things to happen, I want this Spring / Summer to be one of the ones where I go to London for the day. It seemed so perfect at first, to think that I could go on Thursday, then we could go to supper with Orlando and Michelle on Friday, then I could have Saturday off to do whatever, but then I did go out to Walmart on Tuesday, and confirmed that they did not yet have certain summertime items which I would also like to look at this year (because the full bin I have already is totally not enough), and decided that I would be better off to wait. Perhaps until June or July, since by that point we would be moved, and I could just ask for Wednesday off so as to still have three days in a row, and work it out with Jen that I would go on Tuesday, and just bring things directly there, then go to pick my laptop up at some point later. I really like that idea. It also allows me more time to save money, not to mention there would be a slight chance of actually having Jen come along, and... yeah. It's exciting to think about.

I think that will be all for today though, because I really, really need to head off to the bathroom, but don't want to lose my train of thought. Thunderbird hasn't started to update yet, but oh well. I can watch something on Youtube and eat more of the perogy lasagna we made for supper last night. Hopefully it still tastest as good~

Thursday, March 5th, 2015

Things I Forgot About

Y'know... I had completely forgotten that Naomi had a LiveJournal account. I can't remember how I found it, and all I know now is that at some point, I found it necessary to ban her from engaging in any direct activity with my journal, because she was still there. nomilovesyou. The couple entries I've read so far are interesting, in a genuine way, but I find it curious how some of them read as if she was posting to Tumblr instead. Crossposting, perhaps? I don't know for sure, but it's something nonetheless.

So for today?...

About half an hour ago, I had pretty well given up on writing this, because it seemed that Jen wasn't going to move from her spot on the couch, sitting and reading, and I strongly dislike writing or doing anything I consider personal under those circumstances. She has since gotten up and moved on to other things though, so now I have some time here, relatively to myself, to see what comes to mind. It's overall been an uneventful day. I talked to Adam and Trish a bit in Skype earlier, we went out to Giant Tiger for more chocolate milk and kitty litter, and to the house so I could see about fixing Adam's Skype, then I've been working on backups a little, and now I'm writing. Woo. I'm hoping that now that I'm getting this - something I want to do enough that it stays on my mind - taken care of, I can more readily focus on other tasks afterward. Things like backing up my PSP games stick, and looking into what music I want to have on my PSP for going back to Heart and Stroke next week, and even backing up new Twitter activity, now that I know it's possible to do that. Speaking of Twitter...

In my last entry in here, that person who started following me as mentioned previously has a tweet up that says "Anyone feel free to talk to me". They seem like a cool person, and obviously we have some things in common, but my usual social awkwardness prevents me from saying something as simple as "What's up?" I feel like I should personally know the people I am responding to if I am to have a casual conversation online. Yay.

So... we have a new theme now. Technically not new, but it still exists, and looks more appealing than the previous one. I'm thinking that with time, I would actually like to make another theme for this. I have ideas, and there are also little tweaks I'd like to make to this one I'm using now, but both cases tend to involve alot of layer editing and page refreshing, which I don't have the time for right now. Something colorful though. That's for sure.

The only other thing I think I want to mention tonight is something new (to myself) that I learned of earlier today. It's probably not even close to a new thing that vehicles these days have an electronic, computer component, in addition to the mechanics. What I didn't know is that some small part of the electronic side is for there to be (at least) two modes the vehicle can exist in. Transport Mode, and Customer Mode. The names seem pretty self-explanatory - Customer Mode is what the vehicle is put into at the dealership, while Transport Mode is enabled while the vehicle is in transport, presumably for security. At the dealership, some models require a wiTech device to switch modes, which is kind of crazy to think about. A couple small pieces of hardware - things that easily could fit on a desk in a back office - to literally ENABLE a VEHICLE. I suppose it could just be me who sees that as a noteworthy thing, but still. It used to be just as easy as putting the key in the ignition and giving it a twist, but nowadays, as the post I found this information in says, keys are just about as useless as a banana (or some other appropriately-shaped piece of fruit, or any other object - use your imagination) when the vehicle is not in the correct mode. And that's not even getting STARTED on new keys being programmable, and seemingly in a majority of cases, even REQUIRING that. Is it just as simple as the key having a small chip embedded, which essentially contains a code, which a reader in the ignition checks, and if it matches to what is expected, the car is started? It's ever so slightly mindblowing, but that brings me to another - possibly my last - point.

I'm sure I've tried to describe this in here before, but there's this thing about encountering something new, which you don't fully understand, and trying to get your head around it (or at least there is for me). The possibilities of what COULD or MIGHT exist are absolutely staggering. Is there a word for that? I'm not sure, but if there isn't, I should try and make one up. Even just this comment about "forcing the cluster on". So the guy who made the post eventually gave the impression that the previously-mentioned wiTech hardware would be required, but does that other person's comment mean that in some cases, it's possible to force the vehicles to be enabled through less conventional means? What about referring to a "cluster"? Under normal circumstances, would vehicles be enabled one by one, or would an entire shipment of them be "turned on" all at once?

Anyway, I want to go show Jen the top comment on this video now, because I've been listening to that for literal background noise while writing this entry.

Until next time, I guess~

Tuesday, March 3rd, 2015

It's... Nice to be Back

...hello, LiveJournal...

I don't know how long it's been since I last wrote in here. I don't know that anybody (other than Jen*) still reads these entries. I don't know if this idea I have in my head will even stick. All of those things being said though, I would like to start making use of this account / website again, if only to write about things on my days off, which is when I seemed to have stopped writing MailDiary entries.

...shall we take care of the asterisk right away? Sure, why not.

If there's one bit of hesitation I have about writing in here, it's knowing that Jen will read it, and in such, if I choose to write about something more serious, or which otherwise causes her to worry, a situation might be created on the back of something that I was only saying to address the thought. For example, Conner is being really hyper and noisy right now. If I were to comment "It's so annoying. I wish he would just go to sleep", it could very well lead to a situation that I hadn't intended to create. Whilst I sound a bit controlling to myself to want to say this, I would even ask you (yes, you, heh) to let me know what you think about whatever I have written IF you have a specific comment, but to not acknowledge the entry past reading it otherwise. Simply being told "indeed" doesn't sit right.

That aside, I should try to hurry this along, since it's already 10:30, but I guess that still leaves me an hour and a half. Time with which I'm already doing something else as well, that being waiting on Gmail Backup going through my main account, since it's apparently been nearly a YEAR since I did backups, and that's also unacceptable. Put this night to good use, then have to work 5 - close tomorrow, which may or may not be fun. Yesterday, I was scheduled only 8 - close, which is unusual, as Candy was the closing manager, and every other time she's closed on a weekday, we've been scheduled for 5 - close together. I figured she / somebody else working might call me early, if they felt they needed help, but when no call had come by 5:30, I went and made myself some sandwiches for supper, and got ready to leave for 7. When I got there though, just... everything. Dishes piled up everywhere, prep work not done, a confounded confusing mess involving a refund for a customer, general litter and debris all over the floor... The main takeaway? The only reason I didn't get called early is because "they couldn't make it to the phone". Yeah. Okay. Try MAKING TIME next time. I'd sure rather have a full, seven hour fighting chance at the night than to go in with four hours left, and have to try to make do. On the other hand, nights like that are exactly the sort where you can conclusively say that you're going to be there past the normal time, and not have to push quite as hard to make sure everything is caught up and done. In short, nothing was done, and it took us 'til about quarter to 2 to get out. The walk home was nice, at least.

I find myself once again reminiscing alot lately. Just a couple days ago, I had a dream that I was in Toronto visiting Dan, and it must have been the same morning I got there, because I was dead tired, and all I can remember was laying on the floor, feeling as if it was the most comfortable thing ever, and excitedly telling him about all these random thoughts on things that had happened in the years since the last time I saw him. Then, yesterday night on the way home, apart from griping to myself a bit about work, I had quite the animated conversation (with myself) about where I felt I was now in life, and how I wished I could go back to things the way they used to be. Such as with money, in particular. I'm horrendously poor now compared to the way things once were. There was a time I always had $1,000 in my checking account, and somewhere near $15,000 in savings, but it's all gone since. Currently, I have ~$240 in checking, the majority of which is going to pay off my credit card, and if I have any left above $50, I may use that to buy groceries. We were supposed to go out for my shopping on Thursday, but for the second week in a row now, I may push that back again. I know I have food here that can get me through to next Thursday, when we get paid again. As to savings, I have a meager TEN PERCENT of the maximum that I once did. Now, in complete fairness loans out to a handful of people total a little over $8,000, which is no small amount, and I am slowly but surely trying to set money aside in my money box, but it kind of sucks. Where money specifically is concerned, my goal until next pay is to keep $50 in my checking account, then after next pay, $200, then keep increasing by $100 per pay from there. I can do it. I know I can do it. I've just lost sight of the way things used to be.

All the same, and this is something I started thinking just earlier today, for whatever that's worth, these are just as well the sort of times which, at some unknown point in the future, I'll look back on with the same fondness. Would past me have guessed that my future self would have gotten into lockpicking? I'm not all that great yet - security pins are the devil, including but not limited to all six pins worth in the $36 Brinks I bought last week (I know that because it has a removable core and I had to take the core out to look at it and I turned the plug 180 degrees so all the key pins went up into the bible and seized everything up but because of that I managed to repin my first lock ever so hey) - but it's become an actual hobby. Would past me have guessed that Orlando and I would once again be working at the same place, and he and I would become friends? We actually have plans to go out to Glitters together at the end of this month! I suppose the one thing past me might actually have guessed is that my personality wouldn't have changed much in some areas. A couple weeks ago, I was following along (but staying out of) a conversation on Twitter about how having certain items for collectible purposes was denying them their "prime directive", and how never ever opening them was quite possibly worse than intentionally damaging and repairing them. The item in question just so happened to be one that I have too, which, for all intents and purposes, will not be removed from its shipping box, now, or maybe even in the future when we move and I can feel comfortable opening it. Of the two people having the conversation, I replied to only the person who was trying to defend themselves, to say I felt the same way, then anxiety immediately overcame me, and I closed TweetDeck in a right hurry. Not a few minutes later, I had five emails saying I'd been mentioned / replied to, including by the person who I'd intentionally excluded, as they were the antagonist. Things like that, in the area of not being able to deal with confrontation still plague me, but I know when it's going to happen, and know roughly what to expect of still sticking my neck out, so I'm already one step toward properly dealing with it.

...

I appear to be rambling, but that's okay, right? Another thing I miss is actually being in shape. Jen would probably say that I have no need to say that, and, amusingly, a certain person (----myscus) at the furmeets in Toronto would probably feel that I'm finally where they said I should be, but I think I could stand to lose some weight again. Obviously the weather over the past month has not been all that ideal for taking longer walks home in, but now that it's starting to get nicer out, I intend to go for proper walks again. I even wonder what Orlando would say if I proposed walking up to McNaughton, and then taking Victoria down from there, because walking home with him is another big thing. Roughly four out of five nights I close in a week, he's there as the closing manager. Because we've become friends, we walk home together, and talk about whatever there is to talk about. I'm not going to put taking longer routes before those walks, but it's hard to get out walking as much as I'd like when most of the time there's somebody else with me. All the same, I left Mary a note a couple weeks ago in which, among other things, I asked if I could still be scheduled for supper shifts here and there, because I got a legit week or so break from closes, and it was really nice. I can still close the rest of the time, sure, but if she's actually going to do the week / weekend a month thing, that'd be cool.

...
...

I think I'm starting to get to that point of running out of things to say. Why not anyway, since Gmail Backup seems to be almost done there. Oh, but I need to think of a title first. I see at least one thing hasn't changed~

Wednesday, December 24th, 2014

Is It Really Almost Christmas?

I am done. So very, very done. As a matter of fact, the only thing keeping me awake right now is that I was just up to go to the bathroom, and on the way back, turned off the lights and plugged the fan in. Thinking back, I've only been awake since 1:30, so it hasn't been a terribly long day, but the fact that it's been quite full instead of just slow until leaving for work may be what has me feeling tired.

Jen's in the bedroom right now wrapping Christmas presents. I finished the last of mine earlier tonight, and even sorted through all of them to separate the ones that are to be given to her mom tomorrow. Want to see a picture with everything wrapped? Here it is. I remember Christmases before how I would wait until I had all my gifts for everybody bought and collected, so I could take a picture of them all unwrapped, then wrap them all in one night, but seriously, for the 60+ items on that floor, there'd be no chance. Absolutely none. It makes me feel rather bad for Jen's mom, actually, to think about how she still had everything ahead of her to complete by tomorrow. Wrap all of her presents, and get dinner going? I couldn't do it. Kind of amusingly as well, it seems the general consensus this year is that even though Christmas is now only one day away, it doesn't feel like that in the slighest. Mild weather for one, sure, but just general lack of anticipation and build up as well, I think. The 25th will be here, and Christmas will have come and gone, and what will there be to look forward to after that? I really don't know.

My day today has consisted of a good few things. I made a perishable present for Adam and Trish, completely cleaned up the kitchen, finished wrapping presents, went out to Real Canadian Superstore to pick up platters for tomorrow night, and even went out to supper with Adam and Trish, followed by hanging out at the house with them for a little bit afterward. I still would like to take the garbage and recyclables out, and have a shower before actually going to bed, but with the way I feel right now, that isn't likely to happen. Tomorrow, sure, but tonight has been long enough already.

On a different note, I received an unexpected but very much noteworthy phone call earlier. The caller ID said it was Michelle, so I assumed Orlando was calling for something, but was surprised when I answered to hear her on the other end instead. She proceeded to thank me quite profusely for the Christmas presents, saying that Lucas had yet to put down one of the toys I bought for him, and also commented that she'd just put her case of pop in the fridge, and thought that was about the best present ever. Continuing on, she explained that Orlando was busy in the kitchen, but he told her she could use his phone, which turned into a request for money. Heh. Another $120 there, and I've been assured that I can expect it back before the end of the month, not to mention I appreciate Michelle asking me directly, but there situation seems to never make any decent progress. Back to the call though, after I said yes, she got onto asking if, sometime in the next couple weeks, they could have Jen and I over for supper. Quite a surprise indeed! I told her I couldn't see it happening that soon, being the end of the year and such, and we both eventually came to the decision that Orlando and I would talk about it at work, and figure things out eventually that way. Apparently we're supposed to let them know what sorts of food we like. Finally, and perhaps more significant than anything else, she commented that "Orlando said you're pretty much his best friend anyway", which I once again wasn't expecting. Consider that virtually the only time we see each other is when we work together / are on the way home, and you may be able to see where I'm coming from. All in all though, it was definitely the high point of my day, and I definitely look forward to the next time Orlando and I work together. He did come by earlier today to pick up Michelle's money, and we talked for a bit then, but it's different when we're at work. I suppose I'm not used to seeing / hanging out with him outside of that setting.

I believe that will be all though. Jen came out just a few minutes ago, and I told her I'd be laying down for bed when I finished this, and I'm definitely well ready. Just need to set an alarm...

Saturday, November 15th, 2014

New Excitement for Today

Let's post an entry for November before the other half of the month goes by and I completely forget about it again, shall we? I'm rather enjoying things currently. A while ago, I installed Tweetdeck and cleaned up my Twitter profile, because searching around led to the conclusion that Twitter would be the easiest way to keep up-to-date with various peoples' activity. Since then, I've kept pretty much to myself, Tweeting some random things that seemed worthwhile, and once, @ mentioning lapfox in hopes of getting an answer on when some CDs would be out, which I still don't know if I did correctly. I'm supporting them on Patreon at $20 a month, though, so I don't see why I have any reservations about sending them a message on there to the same effect. Anyway, I'm also following somebody on there that's related to a specific interest. It's nothing I'm going to discuss in here, because it's just something I don't talk about, but what is exciting is how another individual has been pretty much harassing them since noon hour about how their prices are unfair, and how their dissatisfaction should motivate that other person to change. Up 'til that point I held firmly in mind the old "obvious troll is obvious", but eventually I'd had enough. "Dissatisfied?", I replied. "Don't buy! Or keep trolling. Nobody's choice but yours", which then got two favorites, which I see as a bigger deal than it probably is. I actually look forward to seeing where this goes throughout the rest of the afternoon. No more (or at least less than before) standing up for what I feel is right, then running to hide in face of the anticipated confrontation. Even at work, which brings me to my next point.

Yesterday, there was this year's Christmas parade. Because of that, the time between ~7:30 and ~10:00 was really busy. From the time I started 'til 10, I was on line, steaming, and at one point, a noteworthy series of events occurred. A customer in the dining room, who was waiting for their food, asked for something special to be done with their order that wasn't marked on the board. Even steaming, I heard them, so when Orlando repeated to me what they'd said, I shortly told him "I heard". Candy, who was also on line at the time, then went off about me having an attitude, and I just couldn't have been less bothered. With respect to you as a manager, Candy, it's busy, you know I know what I'm doing, and I don't have the time to wait for other people to tell me stuff when I could just as easily be listening on my own. I brought that up later on in the night when it was just Orlando and I, and he laughed, saying he already knew I'd heard them, then commented about how Candy takes things the wrong way alot of the time. Maybe that isn't so on-point with the end of the previous paragraph, but what I was trying to get at is being assertive, and not just keeping out of it for the sake of avoiding confrontation. I may still not be a manager at work, and I don't see that changing anytime soon, but because of the fact that I've been stepping up and telling other staff what to do instead of waiting for the manager, I've actually had people (Tom, namely) come to me to make sure the dining room person or whomever else stayed on track. And if that constitutes attitude, then so be it. Pardon the profanity, but I'd rather be regarded as a hardass than somebody inconsequential. Moving away from that slightly, the biggest problem last night was actually not the busyness, but rather once again, not having more than three people past 8. Technically, Candy stayed til 8:30 to help on line, and Bonnie stayed 'til 9, but after that, with all the mess and pile of dishes and other things not caught up, who was left to deal with them but Tom, Orlando, and myself. We would've easily been there past 5 (bearing in mind we close at 3 on Friday and Saturday now) if Tom hadn't stayed 2 hours past the end of his shift, and Orlando hadn't taken my headset for about 45 minutes after midnight. And to make matters even better, that was just Friday. There's no telling what tonight will hold, but there's no parade this time, so hopefully it won't be as ridiculous. Even as that is, I'm getting more and more fed up with working there in general lately.

This past week, I had Tuesday and Wednesday off, then worked 7-close on Thursday. Orlando mentioned a new note in drive through an hour or so into the night, and after pointing out exactly where it was, I... suppose I became rather enraged, actually. What it said was that drive thru staff were and would no longer be permitted to linger in drive thru unnecessarily, and that because management weren't about to keep repeating themselves every day, and were in fact even "getting tired" (a direct quote!) of having to do so, staff observed to not be washing up, putting gloves on, and coming to help get orders out would simply silently be written up. Umm, excuse me, Mary, or Manoah, or whoever else came up with that, but no. It does not matter if you are "tired". One of the requirements of your position as management is to keep an eye on your staff, and make sure they're staying on-task. There is absolutely NO allowance for such a lazy, can't-be-bothered attitude, and if you do start writing people up, I'm going to say something. I actually wrote down the store email address, as well as Mike's that same night, because I was intending to write Mary an email when I got home, figuring that would be easier than delaying both Orlando and I so I could write a note, but I decided to sleep on it, and that's where things stand now. I have seriously had it up to here with the double standard that is management being able to do anything they want, and staff not being able to do anything right. Not a week goes by without a night where I consider telling Mary I want to change my availability, or even that I'm leaving to find another job. It used to be that nights were pretty well isolated from the drama that happened on day shifts, but anymore, it's just stupidity and mismanagement that's spilling over and affecting everybody, and that was back when I was getting forty plus hours a week, much less now that Mike's been complaining about me going into overtime too much, and they've been cut by at least 6 a week.

...

In other, better news, I'm actually pretty well ready for Christmas already at the moment. Fair enough, I will eventually be buying more gifts, but everything that I have so far (save for Ericka's Chromebook) has been wrapped up. The problem? I have hardly any money right now. We get paid next week, from which I have ~$80 to pay on my credit card, $120 to go to Jen for December's rent, and the rest, in all probability, for more gifts. Do I get a bit excitable at Christmastime? Yes, probably, but it's the one time out of the year that I can go all-out, and there's nothing that's going to stop me from doing that.

Adam and I have gotten onto talking in Skype now though, so I think I'll leave this here. Hopefully next time isn't so far away~

Sunday, September 14th, 2014

I Have Too Much Energy

Quarter after 7 in the morning is probably not the most ideal time to be questioning a couple choices from earlier tonight, yet I find myself having laid here for at least an hour without coming much closer to falling asleep, and it seems like the best thing to do would be to find something else to occupy my time.

So what did I do? Just drank an energy drink of mine that had been in the walk in since last Thursday. Oh, and a couple 1/3 or so full cups of Pepsi and Dr. Pepper. Shouldn't do that much, but apparently it was just what I needed this time. Work ended up being alright, thankfully - neither too slow nor too busy - and for the first time, I got a ride home with Orlando. Michelle called just after we closed, apparently to tell him that it was cold out and that he had to be up early in the morning, so she was coming to pick him / us up, and that was quite nice and appreciated. Lucas, in his car seat beside me, was just staring at me wide-eyed for the entire trip, and we stopped at 7-11 because I wanted to get a couple snacks and drinks for Jen and I, then I got dropped off at home, and the rest of the night was normal. Ate a small supper, checked some things on my laptop, and laid down to continue playing games on Jen's phone. She found one called Geometry Dash, which plays the same as The Impossible Game, but with considerably more content. I've beaten the first six or so levels in both normal and practice mode, but the rest continue to elude me. As of tonight, however, I've achieved new bests in all of those. With time...

Tomorrow is going to be just the same as any other Sunday for work, in that I'm in from 8 - close, but there'll be something different both before I go there and when I get home. Sobeys has a deal for ribs, a nice crusty loaf of bread, salad (not so interested in that), and I think something else, so we're going to get that. Works for me, and it'll be nice coming home to a proper supper. Closing with Orlando would make the work part of the day better, but he has the night off, so it's Gabby instead, and I think that'll be fine. Last weekend, I closed with Manoah on Sunday and Monday, which I made it through by trying to keep my distance from whatever he was doing, but Orlando told me something amusing that Manoah said about those nights when I came back on Thursday. He (Manoah) had been telling me about various things that were going on, and was apparently trying to vent to me, but I was responding to him the same as I do anybody else I don't actually want to talk to. With "yeah?"s and "uh-huh"s, and other such acknowledgement-but-not-engagement statements. The same thing that happens when talking to Tom, but he'll continue talking anyway, which I suppose is amusing in its own right. Manoah, however, apparently commented to Orlando on either Tuesday or Wednesday that he had been trying to vent to me, but I wouldn't respond in any meaningful way. Yeah? It's intentional. Also, having mentioned Tom, one of the thoughts that kept me from falling asleep earlier was remembering seeing him making food earlier tonight. The way he wraps burritos is stupid, lazy, and greatly annoys me. I almost said something then. I will soon, be it tomorrow, or whenever we work together after that. They're supposed to be rolled, not folded once, then folded again. I would correct any of the new people if I saw them doing the same thing, and indeed, back on Labor Day, there were a few orders where only new people were on line, and I was asked to come wrap whatever even though I was on drive through, but... do you suppose I'm too fussy? Maybe. They're only burritos, but FFS, there's a difference between "sloppy but acceptable", and "lazy". Which brings me to another point.

I've written in here before about the whole would be management but more valuable as crew (supposedly). Yesterday (Friday), I was annoyed with having to go on drive through right at 8, so I was rushing around quite quickly. Logan noticed, and a couple times made a comment to Orlando about how I was moving really fast, and, according to Orlando later that night once things were caught up, said that he was surprised I wasn't a manager. Orlando then asked me what I would do if I were approached about that, and right away, I told him I would take it, because I might as well. Then there was a customer, and probably another one after them, and once they were done with, he made a couple interesting points. Not a whole lot would change if I were to become a manager. I would get 6~8 hours (my estimation) more each pay period, and I would be on line instead of drive through most of the time, but that's really it. I'd get a slight raise, but not enough to write home about, and I'd also have to open from time to time. Looking at it that way, why bother? I know other people would feel it's silly to have a position of "more valuable as crew", but I, at least for the foreseeable future, prefer it that way. I don't have to deal with most of the extra stuff managers are required to take care of, but I get almost just as many hours, and a wage that I'm comfortable with. My most recent pay, counting Labor Day, when I worked ~7 hours, was ~$900. Usually it's right around 7 or so. Things are definitely fine just as they are for now.

Speaking of money as well, that's something else I was laying down thinking about before I decided to sit up and write this. I want my bank balance to stay above $900 until our next pay. Should expenses arise, $800 would be acceptable. Christmas shopping time is here, and I have a couple gifts already, but nowhere near enough (ideas or actual items), so there's that. I can't think of anything else to come that I would need to have a large sum of money for, but remember what used to happen? Every three or four months or so, when I'd spend a couple hundred dollars (if not more) to go away for a bit? That was on my mind quite a bit earlier, and the more I thought about it, the more it stood out as just remarkable that that's something I actually went and did. Maybe it's because I haven't gone in a good two years now, or maybe it's because I don't think about it too often, but it's interesting. I sit here and think about what's stopping me from going now, and honestly, there's nothing that wasn't there before. I'd have to arrange time off from work, buy a train ticket, have money for various expenses... I suppose there is one significant thing now though, which is being away from Jen for an extended time again. I still remember what happened before, and sure, I like to think our relationship now is stronger and more stable than it was then, but I still can't shake the thought of being there, without her, and things just not going well as such. What could I do? I like to think I could have some time each day to call and talk to her on the phone, but that's all that comes to mind. Funnily enough, I seem to have no problem with that idea in reverse. The idea was proposed a while ago that she could go visit Audra for a weekend. I think, and in fact I would like to stay here to watch Conner, so she can go off and have fun. Let me reiterate, I like that idea. For me to go to Toronto though? Nonononono. Much anxiety. All in all, what I'm trying to say is I'd love to send Dan a message about going back there, but I'm holding myself back. I want him to read this, and tell me "We haven't talked for a while, but I'd like to have you back too :3", and to relive those days of going to visit him, but... yeah. Meandering aside, there's also the money thing. For now, I should be alright for money. I'm still spending slightly frivolously - just a couple days ago, I dropped ~$30 on D.O.S. - and I'd like to have at least $100 to spend on my birthday, but otherwise, it seems that whenever I need a larger amount of money for something, I don't have it. I haven't even been out grocery shopping in several weeks, but that's alright, because I have too much other food that I'm only going to get to by not having anything more desirable to eat.

I think on that note though, I should get myself a glass of milk and try to lay down. At least my being up this late means Butters will get her 8:00 scoop~

Wednesday, September 10th, 2014

The Right Sort of Day

I've had this laptop for, oh... a month let's say. In that month, I've succeeded in stumbling through getting used to Windows 8 (still not fully used to that - I dislike there being no way to edit system files, such as shell32.dll), setting up the handful of programs I use on a regular basis, and most importantly, filling my desktop with an absolute truckload of files. And it even took until just yesterday to solve an annoying issue with the keyboard and touchpad. Whenever I typed or otherwise used the keyboard, the touchpad would be disabled for a second afterward. Concerning web browsers, if I used the arrow keys to scroll through a page, and then tried to use the touchpad to do the same, I would have to click in the page for the touchpad to activate first, at which point I'm pretty sure the keyboard would stop responding, unless, say, I pressed the up key twice, if I wanted to scroll up. Annoying, to say the least, and when I was trying to play a game yesterday and discovered I wouldn't move and look around at the same time, well, you can guess. I fixed it though! Turns out there's an option in the mouse device settings (not Windows', that is) titled "SmartSense". Fully lowering the slider therein, and also disabling two finger scrolling (as I'm using a different program to emulate both that and two finger clicks, since the latter isn't an option with this touchpad), makes the annoying problem go away, and all is as it should be. The only thing now? The game I was playing yesterday has quite sharply lost its luster since I first discovered it. It's one of those ones where the appeal comes largely from not knowing everything the game has in store. So many different endings, and indeed, it's like the development team anticipated absolutely everything, including things that only a small fraction of players would think to do, but then I watched a video which showed all the secrets in it, and now that, so far as I'm concerned, I've plumbed the depths of the game, there's nothing more appealing in it. Oh, and the name of the game? The Stanley Parable. I originally discovered it via jacksepticeye's Let's Play on YouTube (awesome LPer, by the way - if you haven't heard of him before, go check a couple of his videos out!), and after waking Jen up from a sound sleep with my laughter (particuarly at the Adventure Line bit), the day or so thereafter was spent just watching videos about the game.

ANYWAY... Things about my laptop. I fixed the touchpad. Initial disassembly was slow, but helpfully, the touchpad in this one is a separate component, and I was able to clean it sufficiently with rubbing alcohol and Q-Tips. Further to the beginning of the above paragraph, I also spent most of yesterday just plopped here on the couch going through my desktop. So much music, and so many random visual styles, but it was fun. Being able to just finally take care of that all in one go, and to use the momentum from that to get on with other things that need doing as well. Today, I have the Windows partition of my previous laptop to copy files off of, then I want to go through all of those, then it could be either backups time (I really should...), or taking care of other real-world things, like cleaning up the kitchen, and taking the garbage out. It just feels like a fantastic day for such things all around though. After productivity yesterday, and a refreshing, good night's sleep, I wake up to nice, overcast skies, and the more I listen, almost surely rain outside. This is the sort of day where if I had to work, I would lament about how it would be so much nicer to just be able to stay at home. Last night, I was telling Jen it would be nice to find something to later on today, like walking to Tim Hortons for a treat, and she predictably said "We'll see", but maybe I'll end up being content just sitting here. I should probably wake her up, because she might want to go grocery shopping with her mom this afternoon, and also has an appointment to wake up quite early for tomorrow, but if I were to do that, I'd have to finish this first...

Is there anything else really pertinent to mention? The thought keeps floating around in my head that I should say something about the Sunday before last. Due to certain circumstances, it ended up being Tom and I closing on our own at work, and I was the acting manager. Would've been fine, but for the steady, large orders all night, that prevented us from getting anything done, thereby keeping us 'til ~2am, and being understaffed, which contributed to the same. My main concern is it'll have reflected badly on me, and any future decisions if the actual closing manager comes in again, but to my credit, there was very little chance to get anything done while we were open, Manoah said not to worry when I apologized the next day, and nobody has said anything since then. And amusingly, Mary is still in even more need than before to hire managers. I don't care, I suppose. Work has been going quite well lately, and that's all I particularly care about.

With that though, I should probably nudge Jen awake, then see if it's actually raining outside, because that would be really, really nice. Here's to another productive day, and to having everything I want to accomplish done by the time we lay down for bed~

Wednesday, August 27th, 2014

A Couple Things About Laptops

Last night, I was bored. Boredom led to attempting taking apart my previous laptop to see if I could diagnose some problem with it. Progress was actually fairly steady, considering I didn't have a guide, and looking back now, I'm somewhat impressed with that fact, considering I was down to having the motherboard fully removed and everything. I got to that point without seeing any obvious issues, though, and it didn't make sense to continue on with the separate PCB for just two USB ports, so I started putting it back together. For one, the hinges are incredibly tough to move by hand. For two, electronics such as a laptop come with far too many screws. I started out placing the screws in approximately the same position they'd come from on a piece of paper, and by the time I got to where I decided to not go any further, I had two more pieces of paper laid out. The whole endeavor was apparently for a good cause, anyway. Upon turning the final screw (by which point my fingers were really hurty!), and sliding the battery back in, I was greeted with a still properly-booting laptop, which did not randomly turn off, no matter how I handled it. So that's good, and I'm kind of mentally smacking myself for not just opening it up in the first place, before buying this new one, if the problem(s) could've been fixed by a simple disassembly-reassembly. Especially after last night.

Jen went out in the afternoon to help her mom with cutting her grass. I stayed behind to watch Conner (he was sleeping, so I got the easy job), and that was that. Before she left, however, I made some offhanded comment about how I wanted another Oreo Iced Capp from Tim Hortons. I find they drink the best (does that make sense?) by leaving them to melt slightly for 10~20 minutes, scooping the whipped cream out with a spoon, and drinking the rest straight from the cup. So she went out, and returned a couple hours later carrying a tray with a couple Tim Hortons cups, and a bag which I would shortly learned held fish from Frick's. That was a nice surprise supper, and the fish was tasty, but when I got to my drink (you should be able to guess which kind)... yeah. Trying to take the lid off didn't go so well, and it cracked slightly. In that moment, I had a brief but sudden urge of anxiety where I wondered if the drink spilled on my laptop, because I was holding it right over top of the thing, and the cup had been jostled a bit when the lid cracked off. I couldn't see anything though, and thus breathed a sigh of relief while I went back to what I had been doing. A few moments later, and I moved the cup away to put it on the floor or something, and saw that there was indeed iced capp on the touchpad. Quick wiping it off with a blanket followed, and about an hour later, it just stopped working. At first, I could still move the cursor mostly accurately, but now, about all I can do is tap, provided I rap the touchpad in just the right way. No scrolling or cursor moving or anything. So I'm an idiot. One of the things I wanted to see with taking apart the other laptop is if I could directly access the touchpad. That might at least give me small reason to want to try taking this less-than-a-month old one apart, but no luck. Perhaps it was still removable in some way, but as best as I could tell, it and the top inside cover were all one piece. Great. This laptop could very well be different though, so maybe I will have an attempt at that eventually. In the meantime, I can't be thankful enough that I still have a touchscreen.

Before any of that today though, we have plans for shopping. There are a few things I want to pick up at a handful of different places, and Jen has some schoolwork to attempt dropping off, but for the time being, she's asleep, and I don't intend to wake her up until I'm done writing this. It is already 2 though, so should I just leave this here? Probably, because even at best now, it'll be 3 before we're on our way. Here's hoping the next time I write an entry, I can report a properly-functioning touchpad again...

Friday, August 15th, 2014

Another Bunch of Updates

Once again, taking advantage of time I have while Jen's out to write about recent events and whatnot.

I'm getting tired of work. I know, I've said that too many times to count in the past, but lately, it feels kind of different. Day staff - not all day staff, but most of the people who have been there the longest - are just starting to collectively get lazy, and choose to stand around and talk or go outside and smoke when they should be doing actual work, and although nobody else has actually tried, it's generally accepted that they're not going to change. One example that still sticks out in my mind is a story Orlando told me last night. On Tuesday, Tom was in drive through, and had taken a 40+ dollar order. When the customer got up to the window, they informed him that they only had $40. It's slightly annoying when that happens, but fine, just ask the customer what they want to take off until reaching a desired total. I would presume Tom did just that, then informed the people on line (Manoah, Gabby, and Holly, I believe) of the changes. Either Manoah or Gabby then proceeded to irritatedly tell him that if he would "Stop cutting people off", "Repeat the entire order", and "Give the customer their total at the speaker", such incidents could be avoided. According to Orlando, however, Tom had done everything exactly as he should have. I know it's a pretty insignificant example in the end, but little things like that. Another quick thing from just last night could be how Mary stayed 'til 11pm - working a 14 hour shift in the process - because she believes / believed we've been giving out free food at night. It happens, yes. At the end of the night yesterday, Orlando asked if I wanted to make something to eat, and I declined, because all I wanted was the leftover bacon to make supper at home. The point I'm trying to make though is that we're coming back 'round to them being perfect, and everything being the fault of the night people. So far, the only thing that's changed has been Mary closing the dining room last night, but I can't stand working a 5 - close shift, and walking up front for some reason to see all the line (and possibly front cash) people standing in a circle talking.

Another point about work, specifically for me, concerns next week's schedule. It's not finished yet, so what I saw last night is still subject to change, but a new manager has been hired. For the rest of this schedule, she's working lunch shifts, but after that, will be moving to training on closes, with Mary. Sure enough, I'm still in on the nights I would normally close, so we're going to have three people, and after her training period is over, she indeed has a couple closes where it's just her and I. Now, fine. Maybe what I wrote about Orlando telling me that Mary said before is true, and I really am "more valuable" as just crew, but at the moment, I feel like more of just a convenience to have around. "Oh, I'm scheduling you to close on your own, but I'm giving you this other person to close with, and he's been here since Roy knows when, so if you have any questions, he can help!" As an added bonus, on the weekend after that (this schedule was still being figured out with pen and paper, so it's even more subject to change), I might end up having to close with Manoah Friday through Saturday. Is it wrong of me that I like the idea of telling Mary "I refuse"? ~23 hours having to listen to his inane ramblings about how he's god's gift to Taco Bell, and nobody understands what it's like for him... Go back to day shifts where people will actually tolerate you. I can only hope it's really busy those nights. Maybe I really am spoiled from always closing with Orlando nowadays. I don't say this out of spite, but it's nice to work with somebody who has roughly the same standards as you, and won't freak out .2 seconds after something doesn't go their way. I would say I should request a proper amount of time off, or to just not close for a week, but the problem with that is...

Money. I got paid nearly $800 yesterday, and I've already gone through almost all of it. "How?", you ask? Irresponsible spending, for the most part. I owed around $1,700 on my credit card, and that's the last time I intend to allow that to happen for a good long while. Of that amount, about $450 was from buying this new laptop. I knew that was coming way back the last time we got paid, but that was only a fraction of the full amount. ~$20 more came from Jen buying some games from the 3DS eShop, which she paid me back for right away. I took the money and spent it on other things, though. Another $300-$350 was CDs. Yes, CDs. A week or so ago, I discovered a new page with a bunch of Lapfox Trax CDs. A couple days later, I'd decided to go through with buying all of them, which, predictably, was well more than I assumed it would be. As a bonus, UPS decided I should have to pay about $45 in customs fees. Dad paid for those at the time, and I left $40 for him at the house yesterday, adding that if that wasn't enough, he could let me know, and I'd give him the rest next time I / we were over. There are two new CDs up on that page now, and I do want to buy them, but that's not going to happen for a couple weeks. Finally, Jen bought an iPhone. Or rather I bought an iPhone for Jen, and she's going to be paying me back over the next however long. So far as I understand as well, the only reason the phone was so expensive is because she had the account with Koodo set up in her name, therefore the credit check was done on her as well, and because she presumably doesn't have any credit... you can figure the rest out. It is fun to think that if things had been done in my name instead, though, she / I / we would've been able to buy the phone on installments. Alas, it's all done now, and she also decided to go for one year of Applecare and an OtterBox, bringing the total up to ~$900. It is all paid off on my end though. The remainder from my laptop, the cost for the CDs, and Jen's eShop games all came from my checking account. The phone, and related expenses, came from savings, which is now down to a dismal ~$6,400 (keep in mind, she and her mom have almost $5,000 from it), and I'll be damned if I don't want to take my entire next pay, and dump it all right back in there. I should at least start by putting the $100 Orlando gave me last night in my money box, and leaving it right there 'til next time Linda gives me money, so I can go to the bank with a more decent sum.

Getting away from work and personal problems, drama at the house is still going strong. The newest, and indeed most interesting development concerns Naomi's boyfriend, Ty (not sure of the spelling). Everybody has known for a while now that he'd be coming to visit so they could meet each other in person later this month. What Trish sprung on me yesterday, though, comes as quite a surprise. He's not just coming to visit; he's immigrating to Canada (from the states), and moving in! What gets me is how they can have such certain plans, yet Trish and Ericka have been hoping and trying to get approved for immigration for at least a full year now, and still have a little way to go. At any rate, I'm now responsible for sorting through absolutely everything that used to be in what used to be my room, because Ericka (and when they have to head back home, Adam) will be moving in there, and Ty will be taking Adam's room. I hope he likes the cramped quarters, and just... I don't know what to expect. They've literally only communicated online thus far, so while it would be understandable for him to come here (or I suppose for her to go there) to actually meet each other in person, it seems like a hell of a leap for him to be moving in virtually sight unseen. Oh, and I mentioned house drama, right? From what I've gathered, Dad doesn't want Trish and Ericka there any longer than they have to be. He doesn't want them out right away / as soon as possible, per se, but he doesn't want them to get too comfortable either. If that is really the case, how is it fair that he should feel that way toward them, but be fine with Naomi's boyfriend - again, having never even met him before - doing just the same? Interesting times are to come, I'm sure. Hell, we'll be there on the 19th for a last family supper before Trish and Ericka have to go back home (they leave on the 24th, and he arrives on the 25th, coincidentally), and sometime then, I intend to take Naomi and Adam aside and explain that the internet is going up to $20 a month for both of them. Adam's already paying that, and he even knows of my plans, but Naomi doesn't, and if what Trish and Adam have told me says anything, she won't take kindly to having to pay extra, even though money should be the least of her concerns.

With that, though, I'm at the point where I could continue writing if I sat here and thought for long enough, but I won't. There's a pile of dishes in the kitchen that will sadly remain there for probably the entire weekend if I don't do them now, and I need something to busy myself with until Jen gets home. No idea when that will be, but let's see how many I can get done~

Previous 20