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I Hope They're Alright

I suppose that would explain why the house was so quiet when I got home last night. Normally Dad would be asleep on the couch in the TV room, but he was nowhere to be seen, and the door to Naomi's room was fully open, whereas it's normally closed, and light can be seen in the little crack at the bottom. Skip ahead to when I woke up and went downstairs today, and Dad explained that Naomi and Mom didn't get home from the hospital until 6am. I don't know what happened, and didn't think it very appropriate to ask, so all I know for sure now is that grocery shopping may be pushed back a bit today, and as a result, I may have to get myself out to the bank when I'm done here. I could certainly make do with that, because the short walk would be nice, but I still wonder what happened. Naomi seemed fine yesterday when she told me there was lasagna in the oven, but then something happened, and... yes. Also worth noting about today is that it's the first day since I've been back that I have to wash dishes. There are still several hours between now and then, yet I find that I really don't want to, in spite of that I did the dishes nearly every day while I was in Toronto, without a word of complaint. What's the difference though? Maybe it's because here, washing the dishes is something I have to do whether I want to or not, in comparison to there, where doing them is neither asked nor required, making me able to wash them on my own terms. I even don't really want to go grocery shopping (but still will to see if pop is on sale), but the same was largely true of going places in Toronto, except for the night I went to Real Canadian Superstore on my own. All too fitting with that as well, I also left Mary a note before leaving work last night, to explain that it took me longer than normal to get the dishes caught up (Cheryl was upset enough that she said she would've written Chris and Chelsea up, had she been able to find the proper forms), then asking her to not penalize us for not getting out on time, and in brackets below that, added that I might want to ask for more time off in August, but it wasn't completely official yet. I really feel like I'm forcing this issue, but I don't want to wait for Dan to decide when they'll be making a group trip to Wonderland. I would be just as content, and perhaps even happier with going with just him, Xion, and Chris, should he get a season pass, and they choose to come along. Confidentially, what I really want to know is if I'll be going back there in August. That's what it actually comes down to. Every other time, we'd already have tentative plans worked up for a future visit by now, yet I'm still holding back because I don't want to sound too impatient and anxious. Maybe it helps that Dan isn't online today. Nobody is, in fact, which is a disappointment because I still have concerns to discuss with Xion (a new one being that he and Chris ate all the pieces of bacon-wrapped chicken I bought, so if and when I go there again, I will expect either $10 reimbursement, or a new bag), but this also allows me some time to clear my head of other matters from the past couple days, and explain some things that came to mind at work last night. In a cut though, so I don't have to worry about length.

Again, where do I start with this? How about with the most significant of the couple things I wrote down at work yesterday night, as I feel it represents things well. I said "Just as Dan feels he doesn't have to defend or explain his identifying with skunks, maybe I shouldn't have to defend or explain not wanting to see movies of snow leopards. I feel that I'm better off without, right?" I kept coming back to him saying that it would be logical if the movies were a source of anxiety because they made me wonder if I was who / what I thought I was, but that's an unfair statement to make, if you consider this situation objectively. I only feel such self-doubt when something has previously happened to trigger it - in this case, me having tried to explain why I didn't want to see that movie leading to two lengthy conversations on the topic. Normally, it doesn't bother me. I want to see what I want to see (more or or less, only the snow leopards at the zoo), and don't want to see what I don't want to see (most other things involving them), because I know that if something of that nature comes my way, it's going to set off some trigger in me, and I'm going to quickly find myself right back where I was yesterday. I really don't believe anymore that there is only one reason I didn't want to see that movie, so what I've started to work on now is a list of all the anxieties I can think of for them. Once that is mostly complete, I might make up a flowchart as I did to explain my thoughts regarding chatting online before (sadly, I seem to have deleted that picture from my gallery though...), in order to properly explain this, because it's all becoming too much to keep track of at once.

If anything though, it seems things were exactly where I wanted them to be at the end of our first chat, which is incredibly frustrating to look back on now, because all of my additional thoughts yesterday could've been prevented from happening if I'd just left well enough alone. Dan said point blank that he understood me not being interested, and also that something could happen to make that change in the future, but then? Then, I just made things even more interesting for myself. I think what I'm trying to get at is that I personally see nothing wrong with not wanting to see those movies. My reasons for not wanting to may be a little more sketchy, but I shouldn't make it a point to try to explain those before I have them fully worked out, which is exactly what I did. I tried to explain them, and thus wasn't prepared to defend myself. Let's have another *sigh* right now, because I really do seem to excel at getting myself into these situations. "Where does this stand now?", you may ask? I know I'm not entirely out of it, but feel better about where I stand than yesterday. I know that I shouldn't always jump to defend or explain myself, as that can quickly get me in over my head, and as Dan is not currently online, I'm composing an email to him containing a couple questions and other relevant statements, which I'll have to wait for his response to. In the meantime, I might start on that flowchart tonight. I think it might even be fun to work on.

Outside of that, I feel as if I should wrap this up as soon as possible, because Mom is liable to be up at any time, and say that we can go out to get groceries. As such, what else can I say of things since yesterday? Just that I'm glad to have the night off, after washing so many dishes yesterday, and also that, as I was paid ~$275, I just might be able to manage for the next couple weeks. Most of that money still goes to Mom and Dad, so I doubt I'll see any significant improvement in my balance, but not having to go below where I am right now is better than the alternative. Also, since money and my weight still seem to be linked, I all of two pieces of pizza for breakfast and a bowl of cereal yesterday, then today, half a panzerotti for breakfast. Noticing a trend at all? I'm thinking that because I have tonight off, I'll go out to 7-11 again, but try to be more reasonable this time, and that way I can enjoy my night, and still not worry that I'm eating too much. It is now time to go grocery shopping though, so this'll be everything for another day. Maybe by tomorrow, I'll have a flowchart to show off. That'd be neat~

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