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Same Story - Chapter 2

As hoped, I talked to Mary last night. Explained roughly what was going on, and why I might want / need to change my previous request for time off, and to my honest surprise, she was quite permitting of it. She asked that I let her know what I want to change (if anything) a week in advance, at latest, and as I want to go get a train ticket by the end of this month, and will need to have dates decided upon by then, that's definitely a request that I can fulfill. It does also show the whole asking for an extended period of time off thing in a different light though. Until now, I figured she felt the same as Melissa - that I would need to let her know a couple months in advance, given the amount of time off that I want, but now, it feels quite a bit more dynamic. I imagine I would still have to make the initial request at least a month ahead of time, but past that, any changes can be left until up to a week in advance, presumably so long as I don't take advantage of it, and although it might come out in a bit of a wrong way, I don't want to do anything of the sort in this case either.

Regarding the friends Dan has visiting from Ottawa, I've finally come to the truthful conclusion that I'll be happier in the long run if I go along with whatever they want to do, and get back to what I want to do once they head home, with Tuesday in between to rest. Same as before, of course, if what they want to do is not something I want to do, then I will choose to sit that activity out, because there are still bound to be things that I don't want to do at all, let alone with strangers. The absolutely crucial element in all of this now though is that Dan doesn't know what, if anything, they want to do, and how the hell am I supposed to make plans around that? I could go with what I said before - keep Sunday and Monday open, and stay at the apartment / do my own thing if I don't want to tag along with them, but until he gives me a straight answer on the matter, I can't plan for such uncertainty. To elaborate on that, what I imagine would fix this is him conclusively saying either yes, the people he has visiting from Ottawa do want to do something on Sunday and Monday after the furmeet, but need time to decide, or no, that as yet, he's been talking this over pretty much exclusively with me, and will go to them if and when we sort things out. That way, I know that either Sunday and Monday are spoken for, and can move on to thinking about what else I might want to do, if I don't want to go wherever they decide to go, or get moderately nasty and lay it right out by telling Dan that he has until the end of the month to get in touch with them then. I sent him an email last night to roughly that effect, actually, which went like so:

Question: Will you know by the end of the month what your friends from Ottawa want to do on Sunday / Monday after the party? If yes, do you understand that I if I don't want to join in with whatever you choose to do on one of those days, I'll go off to do my own thing (most likely go to the zoo / a mall)? If yes to that, fantastic. I'll get a train ticket to go there on the 31st and come home on the 11th, 12th, or 13th, depending on what I decide would be best next time we get paid. If no, however, then what can I do to help you understand? You say you don't want me to do anything I don't want to do, but seemingly balk at the thought of leaving me at the apartment because I don't want to go with you. On the other hand, if you answered no to the original question, then to ask one last time, is moving everything up to the 7th to 18th still fine with you? If yes to that, great. I'll get a train ticket for those dates next time I get paid, but if no, why not? If we aren't able to reach a mutual agreement on this soon, I'm going to call off plans for August altogether, because I can't take this for much longer.

The last bit is especially true. I am nothing short of thoroughly morose over this. All I want from August, as mentioned yesterday, is to go there and have fun with Dan, Xion, and Chris. People at the furmeet, too, but that's only one day, so it doesn't quite figure in here. I almost feel like invoking what he mentions here (and a couple other places, too): "Oh... Me... I'd like to see if people want to do something on those days, and if so, then do something, but I don't want to do that if it will bother you a lot." Call it off then. Not because I don't want to do things with other people, but because this uncertainty most definitely is bothering me. I think being to the point where I'm considering canceling plans altogether as a viable option qualifies as being bothersome. The best part about all this current stuff though is that he's now completely gone until Monday, and as I put it in a certain email that I sent to somebody other than him last night, maybe it would be good to have time to myself to think things over, but I feel like there's nothing to think that hasn't been thought. I need answers from him in order to proceed, but he's not around to give them, so all I can do is go in circles. As a random aside though, I did finally make my wishes regarding him abruptly ending conversations clear last night - said that I would appreciate five minutes advance notice, even if it's just a brief "I want to get to bed soon" or such, but he missed the point completely. He replied to say that he had to leave right away before because he had been waiting for a ride, and didn't have time to stick around when they arrived, then said that from now on though, he would try to give me time to finish responding. Do you see the issue? I didn't request time to finish responding. I requested that he let me know ahead of time if he intends to go away soon. Even in the case of waiting for a ride, he could've mentioned beforehand that he was waiting for a ride, and had to leave right away when they showed up. Then, to complete the whole mess, he ended that conversation by saying "Anyway. I need to sleep now." To his credit, he did come back a minute after he went idle to clarify that he was going away until Monday tomorrow (today), and to end the conversation as we usually do, but although these are small, irrelevant details when you take a step back and look at this overall, I legitimately feel like I can't do this for much longer. Figure out what the hell is going on in August, then leave me alone for a good month.

...maybe what I should do is continue with plans for the 31st through 11th, 12th, or 13th, and go with a "come what may" attitude toward anything bad that might happen as a result of doing things with those other people after the furmeet. That way, if anything does go wrong, I'll have only myself to blame for it, meaning I can say "Things didn't go well. Alright. At least there's a day to rest and do nothing with which to get over that now. Looking over the past couple days though, that's exactly where I was going in our chat last night, then I completely freaked out in the email I sent him. I really do despise other people in situations like this. It's as if all they can do is complicate things, but that thought marks the point where I have to take a step back and tell myself that if I don't like it, there's nothing forcing me to go to Toronto in August. I still want to, though, so what am I supposed to do? Rescind the email I sent him yesterday night, and try to work out exactly what will happen on Sunday and Monday depending on whether or not those other people want to do something when he returns? Probably, but given how the rest of this has gone, I'd likely change my mind again the moment we started having another conversation. Maybe this time off would do me good though. Sort my thoughts out, and be able to talk in a more calm and measured manner when he gets back. Monday, yes? I think I can wait until then...

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