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Feels Like Something's Wrong

I still can't explain it, but since about halfway through my shift at work last night, I've been filled with just a general, not all-consuming but near enough feeling of uneasiness. Nothing really bad happened at work - I learned of some things that may complicate wanting to go away in the future, and was also obsessing over some other things not related to work that I haven't been able to put to rest yet, and the walk home was fine (not to mention beautifully windy), but still, I just feel slight, constant dread / worry (it's not even anxiety) about something or other, and not being able to figure out what is starting to get to me. One concrete thing I do feel a bit anxious over is having received a reply from Squeeze to the second of my two recent emails. In the email I sent, I said it would be fun to make plans for my birthday, because I could make one of those cakes to share, but in her reply, she said that probably wouldn't be possible, and that she "wished me the best anyway". I'll make do, as I still have the option of going to the small Heart and Stroke Christmas party this year and making the most of the night afterward, but... I want to do something special for my birthday again, for once. Yes, I went to Toronto on the 13th last year, and Dan, Chris, Xion, and I all went out for a quick snack before heading to the apartment, but I have reason to believe (even now) that none of them knew it was my birthday then until nearly a week after the fact. Yeah. I don't wish to sound selfish, but even if Dan and / or Squeeze (not sure about Xion, Chris, or Manoah) said happy birthday in MSN then, it would be appreciated.

As for those things that came up at work, since there are two, let's look at them separately:

a] It was much less busy than Friday nights normally are, so around midnight, while Cheryl and Mary were both up front, I jokingly said "Let's close at one". Cheryl laughed, and repeated it to Mary, who then said that that really wasn't the sort of thing I wanted to say to her just then. From there, she explained that the new owners (presumably) expect her to drastically cut hours - nearly one hundred from how she schedules now - but she doesn't know how she'll do that. Have only main line running, so the extra person isn't required for mini? Schedule fewer people on days that normally aren't busy? She brought out a binder of old schedules, and found that we used to be about as busy as we are now, but managed with less staff, so I presume the next step is to figure out what was done differently then. Were the scheduled staff just more focused in general? It was interesting for me, because one of them she flipped to had me closing on Wednesday (I think), followed by Thursday and Friday off, and shifts of 4 to 11 on both Saturday and Sunday. No matter what has to be changed specifically though, it means that in general, everybody will be losing hours, and I wonder how that'll affect me. Cheryl offered that it at least meant I couldn't be sent home early, but I wonder if Mary won't decide to cut closes on Friday and Saturday down to two people as well. I guess that could work, but I'd really want it to be handed a certain way. As it is now, Tom and I usually close those nights, along with a manager. If it goes down to being the manager and either Tom or I, Mary should explain to the other person that they should still expect to be called in if necessary, but would have the night off otherwise. That, or the people who close on Friday and Saturday (possibly Thursday as well) should be entitled to a raise. The one good thing that came out of that discussion was being able to indirectly tell Mary that I would really greatly enjoy working just a cleaning shift every once in a while, which she responded to by saying "You're the only one here I don't have to worry about". It may not be a proper "thank you", but I'll take what recognition I can get. On the other side of things, learning of those things tidily prevented me from asking when the best time to talk to her about having time off in February would be. In theory, it shouldn't matter, as the number of hours involved would stay the same, but I just couldn't find the right time to then.

b] Remember that topic I wrote several lengthy entries about upon returning from Toronto earlier this month? Yeah. It's not over yet. I've more or less accepted once again that cuddling isn't something I'm ready to talk about just yet, because for as much as I may want to be able to do that, I still couldn't. By the same reasoning, I'm no longer certain that I'd be perfectly fine with seeing Blake again. He isn't the sort of person that I would want Dan to invite over when I would be there (I can't think of anybody who would qualify, for that matter), because I know now that if he's there, this is going to happen, and I'm not going to be comfortable with it, because of the way I feel. I know, I know, when I brought it up while I was there, Dan said he didn't want to make me uncomfortable, and that they could "be less cuddly next time", but I'm not sure who I'm more upset with in this case. Them, or myself. To remove all the emotion from it, they haven't done anything wrong, so it must be me. I'm jealous / envious of how they can do that, and the closest I can claim to being with Dan is approaching the point where I can talk to him freely in person. Oh, sure, he replied to the email I sent while I was out at Dollarama, and in that, said he feels closer to me in some ways, but I sure don't feel that myself. He explained that he and Blake never go to the zoo, or just walk around to explore the city like we have, but you know what? That doesn't mean a thing. I tried to explain that in most cases, I would prefer to go to the zoo with him, than to go by myself (while we were there, as it happens), and all he said was that he can go any time on his own, and... oh, alright. So why are we here then? Because I wanted to go? I suppose the best thing to do about this would be to try to set it aside for now, and wait. I imagine I'll see Blake in the apartment again sooner or later, but in the meantime, we could talk about what would happen next time, so I don't end up feeling left out and get all worked up again. There is more though. Blake's (at least for the moment) idiotic "I love snow leopards too" comments. Why do you say that? Just because I've walked out to the living room? You're really clever. The specific part I was getting hung up on last night came from the second time he said it, when Dan responded with "They're fuzzy". Really, Dan? Is that all? Out of all the thoughts I've had about them over the years, one word that's never come to mind is "fuzzy". You're entitled to say what you like, but maybe it's time I started repeating the same thing I've said to Squeeze and Totts to everybody: to me, snow leopards are a personal thing. I take them very seriously and as such, they are not something I share easily, even with friends / people I've known for a while. It's just... bleeding annoying, moreso when I tell myself that this is getting a bit ridiculous now. I've taken Dan to task over putting on general movies of the animals. I've told him the only place I really want to see them is at the zoo. Is the next thing out of my mouth going to be "You can't talk to me about them either"? I still stand by that they're something I take seriously, which might be why words such as "fuzzy" rub me the wrong way, but I need to find some way to brush them off. That was the first time I'd seen Blake outside of the furmeet, so why did / why am I still putting so much thought into what he said? Probably because of the cuddling thing. For as long as that remains unresolved, other little issues that came up will continue to bother me too.

Unfortunately, the uneasiness remains even having written those. I've decided that instead of waiting for a day off, or until I can't wait any longer to talk about the first half of the second paragraph above, I'll work on writing an email to Dan when I finish this, and send it to him before I leave for work, but is that all? Maybe I'm worried about being put on drive through tonight. If it's as busy a night as yesterday, I would have plenty of time to get the dishes done, and the floor scrubbed, but what if it's not that? Am I upset / anxious over what Manoah told me - that he won't be able to give me any money until the second pay of December, this time? That'll be just before Christmas, so I think I can predict what he'll say then: "I had to buy Christmas presents, so I can't give you any money this week either". I told him there would be some sort of late fee if I didn't get anything from him then, but that'll be the second time, so it might be that my lack of assertiveness is getting in the way. On the other hand, maybe I'm just coming down with something. It's about that time of year, and feeling unsettled could be indicative of some illness starting to work its way through me, but no matter what's really at fault, I just... don't feel well. I have three emails to write before work though, so I ought to get busy on those. If I don't, I'll have that to feel anxious about at work too...

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