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What I Can't Have

I don't really know how to describe the way I feel right now. As is typical for going over there, I didn't get to bed until ~8am, after staying at Squeeze's place until 6:30 yesterday, but while I had pretty decent sleep, I still feel just entirely conflicted and anxious. One curious thing earlier was how I felt more tired while I was asleep than when I was awake, so maybe I still haven't had enough sleep, but just... there are other things on my mind right now. In the past, I've still wanted to go there to hang out with Squeeze on her own, even after a frustrating night which would surely have something to do with Totts and / or Evo. Tonight, if we made plans in advance, I could virtually guarantee being able to go over there without them around, even if Squeeze were to fall asleep, but with these other things on my mind, I don't even want to do that.

I briefly mentioned exactly what some of those things are in a previous entry I wrote, but to have said it again, they're furry things. In the case of what Totts has made for Squeeze (that I know of), two neat little dolls of her fursona, many pieces of art, and as of last night, an offer for a custom wallet that she declined. I have a feeling that somewhere at the back of my mind, I don't actually want those things so much as just have misgivings because somebody else has something I think is cool that I can't have for myself, but that's about how it goes. I'd even be willing to pay Totts (a reasonable amount of money) for one or two snow leopard dolls, and I'd love to have one of those wallets, if only for the uniqueness of it. Unfortunately, I'm also very much aware of how it's wrong for me to expect things for free just because I know her. If I offered to pay, and she agreed to that, then sure, I'd approach that the same as I've dealt with the many other commissions I've purchased from people in the past, but as a matter of just getting something for free, no. I despise myself for feeling this way, but I don't know what to do about it. She (Totts) is hardly ever on in Skype, which says nothing of how even less frequently she apparently checks her email account, and even if I did arrange to get things of that sort from her, for pay, the dolls are all I'd really want, and the other desires would start to vanish immediately after getting that thing, because as mentioned above, it's envying something somebody else has that's really making this difficult.

In better news, most of the rest of last night was pretty fun. The lasagna Squeeze made was actually really good, for one. I was somewhat concerned about liking it myself, especially when Totts handed me a heaping plateful, but I ended up being the first one to finish all of mine, which I think says something. Squeeze also gave me the assortment of bracelets I picked colors out for last time I was there, which I'm looking forward to tying up and adding to the other ones on my arm when I'm finished here. On a somewhat related note, at the same time that she gave me the first one, she also gave me a keychain made with the same colored thread, just in case I wasn't one for wearing bracelets. I haven't used it yet, because I had and still have a custom keychain I bought on Furbuy a while ago, but I'm starting to feel like switching, which is where I run into a bit of a problem. On top of the first one she made for me, the first night I started picking out colors, she showed me a rainbow one that she'd made for herself, and I said I liked it, so she gave it to me, saying she could make another one at a later date. She did, as she showed me last night, but now I kind of want both. Maybe three, actually, because that way they could be braided together, with the same keyring at the end, thereby hopefully increasing both the overall strength and thickness (which would make it easier to grab) of the "chain". On top of that though, there's still an outstanding potential side project of making one of those to be a strap / lanyard for my Vita. Getting back to the original topic of this paragraph, after the bracelets was the final part of the night I was looking forward to, which involved giving her a small pencil. It's more of an inside joke from something she said in Skype the other night, but I even had my Vita out at the time to film her reaction, which I wouldn't have wanted to miss. The story in short is that I told her I was getting too used to Skype, because I missed not having typing notifications when talking to Dan. She said she really "loved that little pencil", because the typing notification in Skype is a little pencil, after which I said that I wanted to take that entirely out of context, and bring her a little pencil the next night, which is just what I did <3

Anything else I could say for today will have to wait though. I want to ask Mom about going out to Walmart in a bit (maybe even go grocery shopping altogether today, so I don't have to worry about doing it before work tomorrow), and after that, have a grocery list to start working on for Dan. I've finally more or less decided on what I'm going to make, but now comes the time-consuming part of figuring out what I need altogether, followed by what I can get here versus what should be purchased there. I should probably also send Cheryl an email to ask if she wants any cookies again this time, as if she says yes, that will have to be considered too. Always something more to do~

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