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I Miss My Weirdo ;_;

It feels so strange being here in Toronto. I'm out on the balcony right now, and looking around, yeah, I see all the familiar surroundings, but in an incredibly cutesy way, I could suggest that my body is here, but my heart and mind are elsewhere. In spite of doing a fair bit of baking yesterday, I still talked to Squeeze for nearly the entire time, and then, when all of that was said and done for the night, we had a ~2 hour voice chat, which even turned into a video call, and yeah. She has some pretty serious / significant things going on right at the moment. Part of me can't stop wondering what it'll be like if the worst possible outcome comes of that. With the way she described it yesterday, I would very likely drop everything here, march promptly back into Dan's room, pack up, and head to Union Station to get a ticket for the next train home. Unbeknownst to him, when I first learned of what she had going on yesterday, I was well prepared for close to an hour to pack right up and exchange (with fee) my departure ticket to head back in the same night I got here. Even though having some time relatively apart could do us some good, it's frustrating to not be able to do more. In the interest of not getting too caught up on only one topic though, what else could I say of my first day here?

For one, going out grocery shopping on my own was a terrible idea. It was fun at first, because with Dan not being there, I was able to look for things I wouldn't have otherwise, but then came the ~$80 worth of groceries at No Frills, some being rather on the heavy side, and I could've used an extra pair of hands then. I wasn't even able to walk from No Frills to Walmart (not leaving the interior of the mall) without working up a foul-smelling sweat, and beyond that, I still don't know how I made it. The best part? Walking up the stairs from the street to the building, I paused at the landing in-between to catch my breath, and a random older guy walked up behind me. I don't think he spoke English, but he did say "Oh, my boy", and tried to pick up one of the plastic bags I was carrying to take it the rest of the way, only for the bottom to give way. He then proceeded to take his couple groceries out of the Food Basics bag he was carrying, give it to me, and instead pull my (at the time extremely heavy) rolling bag up the steps. Two other people came along at that point asking of I needed any help, but I told them no, because it seemed relatively straightforward - somehow walk through the parking lot to the building, up the couple steps, and to the elevator from there. Somebody even held the door open for me, and just... yeah. I really appreciated their help, then there's Dan who, when I finally made it to the apartment, said that he'd fallen asleep. Probably the best part of all is that I still need a few more things, and don't know if I'll be in the mood for going out today, but at least I can get started earlier. I ended up sleeping for about half an hour yesterday, then talked to Squeeze for a bit because she really needed somebody to talk to, then made four batches of s'mores cookies, and one of oatmeal with mini Rolos. Today's baking will hopefully consist of all the Oreo-stuffed chocolate chip cookies, and if an electric mixer is purchased, at least two batches of licorice cookies as well. I could actually head off to get started on those right now, and still talk to Squeeze when she returns, but first, there are a couple things concerning her and I from yesterday that bear mentioning.

a] I am a "Fucking Fantastic Person"
I got the idea a couple days ago to make a sign. A sign for Squeeze, that would say "I LOVE YOU" to hold up in the train window as it pulled away. I made said sign on Tuesday night / Wednesday morning after we finished cleaning things up at home, held it up as planned, and apparently made her heart melt from it. While we were having a voice chat, she said it was like something out of a movie. I like Audra's reaction too, which was a combination of "I'm so glad I can see your face right now, I'm so happy for you [Squeeze], I can just tell that it's really real, I don't even know what to say right now!" and "[Karadur] is a fucking fantastic person", because yeah. John once told me I was awesome in about the same way, but that was many years ago, and coming from Audra, in a rather different context, it's really a fun thing to hear.

b] Something About Personal Items
As planned, when we went back to my / our house after being at her apartment, I showed Squeeze some things that I hadn't been able to before, including but not limited to the contents of a couple heavy boxes. For reference, both boxes are filled with the same type of common, everyday item, but which I have a strange obsession with collecting, which is why I keep them hidden away. When we emptied one box out though, to have a proper look through it, she found a couple of said items that had cheetah spots, and asked for one. I told her she could go ahead, because at the time, I thought nothing of it, and she ended up taking a blue one, a black one, and a white one as well, because those are her colors, which I was fine with at the time too. She took a couple more after that as well, but the main point is by the time we cleaned those up and went to the train station, she had five or six of my personal items. A drop in the bucket compared to what I actually have, but it bothered me and bothered me enough to the point where I had to say something. I told her (in Skype, on the train) that I was considering finding and buying more of the cheetah ones online, because it didn't feel right that the ones she had were missing from my collection, and the following ensued (over the span of a full day):

Squeeze: Honestly that makes me feel bad for asking~

Squeeze: I'm really sorry... and honestly I want to give them back, the more I think about it, I feel really bad..

Squeeze: Again though.. I'm really sorry.. I really do understand where I went wrong there...

Squeeze: I feel like I went wrong because you opened up to me.. then I asked for your personal items, something that means that much to you, and I was wrong to do that... and I want to give them back, because I know they mean a lot to you.. and I'm not really sure how to word it, but just.. I'm sorry..

Squeeze: -nods- Okay~ ..but again, I really am sorry~

Karadur: Would it help any if I said I still had fun with / enjoyed what happened? I didn't really expect it, and for us to quite literally be sitting there on the floor fully engrossed in sorting through them was just... fun <3
Squeeze: I really enjoyed it too honestly~ <3

Karadur: ...I just had another thought related to the previous main topic as well...
Squeeze: Hmm?
Karadur: If I'm successful in buying more online, I'll probably give you one or two from those, and take the others back, because even though they're fundamentally the same, I'm weird and it would make a difference to me <3
Squeeze: -nods- I understand~ <3

Squeeze: -nods- I can definitely understand, and for whatever it's worth, about the big one, I'm sorry I made that comment..

Karadur: I do wish my mind would get over the personal items thing for the moment, but yeah. I've almost got two batches of cookie dough done, so I should focus on the third <3
Squeeze: I really am sorry about that, truly I am... I have them in a safe spot until you can take them back for whatever that's worth~
Karadur: I still want to give you one of the cheetah ones eventually though~
Squeeze: -nods- I understand, but part of me would rather you keep it... although we can't really get into the conversation at this moment as Will is sitting behind me..

Karadur: (and yes, my current thoughts compared to yours are pretty insignificant, but they're still there...)
Karadur: I also want to say "Sorry for continuing to go on about that", because yeah *shrug*
Squeeze: For whatever it's worth, I don't think they're insignificant.. (And I'm really not sure what to say after that..) But yeah.. those thoughts are still on my mind too and I really do still feel bad..
Squeeze: And please don't say sorry..
Karadur: If it were a better time to talk, I'd ask how you think I see the matter, because knowing that you understood would help, but later, perhaps...
Squeeze: -nods-
Squeeze: I'd honestly really like to how you felt on the matter as well... but yeah, later..

Karadur: For later (possibly later tonight) as well, just out of curiosity, I'd still like to know what you think my feelings are regarding personal items. I like the idea (about Dollarama) mentioned / agreed upon last night, and it would be cool to share what I bought here with you when I get back (I even sent that email about wanting to reschedule our hair appointments earlier), but we didn't get to how you think I feel, so yeah. I'm still curious, and not in a bad way either~

We talked about the same matter in our voice chat as well, which was where I suggested the thing related to Dollarama (her buying one there for me to add to my collection), but the main idea is that I like this outcome. She wanted to give them back before I said anything, and I really really really do want to have them back, and then I can continue to share them with her (as an interest versus giving them away), which I do still want. It's still a week until I'll get them back, but hopefully I can get by.

Anything else aside now though, this entry is done, because it's already 2:30, and I'd like to get a couple urgent things taken care of before I get back to baking and talking to Squeeze. Dan's already offered to pick things up for me if I give him a list, which is one thing out of the way, so it's just a matter of getting back to baking again. I'll have to hide those cookies better, so people don't bother me for them~

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