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The Beginning of Something New

...

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream 'em loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song...
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes...
'Cause I've still got a lotta fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep

It's been two years, I miss my home
There's a fire burning in my bones
Still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream 'em loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song...
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes...
'Cause I've still got a lotta fight left in me
A lotta fight left in me...

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match...

...but I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song...
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes...
'Cause I've still got a lotta fight left in me

Now I've still got a lotta fight left in me

Rachel Platten - Fight Song

Isn't it kind of strange? I'd heard the song on the radio before, and never thought much of it. Going back a week or so, I heard it again, and again, and started finding it pretty catchy, including the lyrics, so I wrote enough down to look it up when I got home that night, and lo and behold, it's surprisingly relevant to my situation. I'll forgo the analysis that I was giving the first time I listened to it, of how this part applied to some aspect of my life, and this other part spoke of me just so much, and simply say that I really like it.

Looking just back at my previous entry (the friends-only one, which I'm strongly considering editing personal information out of so I can just make it public), I was lamenting, and in fact getting quite depressed over the past 6-7 years of my life. From my point of view, they were no more than a long-standing series of failures, and mistakes, and general anxiety and insecurity-fueled episodes, which left me wondering how I was supposed to carry on. The important thing to notice, however, which is what that song helped me to realize, is that i have kept going. From as far back as being picked up by Squnq to go to one of the furmeets in London, I have pushed through, and persevered, and this current time in my life, regarding everything with Jen, will one day be in the past too, and be one more thing which, at the time, I didn't think I would ever be able to get over.

I'm still not sure what will happen if our future only ever sees us becoming really close friends again, but I do know I did the right thing in that previous entry. It was really difficult to type at the time, and reading everything again after that, I still cried, but since then, I've come to accept it. Since then, I've noticed a marked change in my attitude. I'm not to where I'd like to be yet, but no longer do I think in that black and white way that says if we can't get back together as more than friends, it won't end well for me. To put it this way, I'm starting to let things go, though I do still have a lot of resentment built up. Toward that though, every time I realize how I'm feeling is based on resenting her for something, I remind myself of a quote that I've read a couple times before. It says that harboring resentment is akin to taking poison and expecting the other person to die. I want to go there in August, and for there to be absolutely no scathing remarks or things built up in my head that I would want to say to her. Past that point, if, through talking, if we are able to do that, I do end up thinking of one or more things that I want to say to her, then I jolly well will, because I know one thing I want to change for myself is to not pussyfoot around people anymore and always try to stay on their good side. Even - or perhaps especially - Jen.

I want to stop feeling like the things I shared with Jen are things that I can never expect to share with anybody else. Unfortunately - and I say that only for the sake of this being a public entry - they're largely sexual, but this is my journal, yes? Which is another thing I want to change. I absolutely have to insist on being comfortable with myself, and the rest can go in a cut.

I try and think back to where that's happened in here before - where I've hidden something because I wasn't comfortable with it - and one memory comes to mind immediately. That whole "Zephyr" thing. The idea was that I'd ordered some products online that I was having considerable trouble actually receiving. Enough trouble that both times I ordered from them they had to remake the items and send them to me a second time. For what they were though, I wasn't comfortable with outright mentioning the website name, so I took the vowels out, and tried to sound out the remaining letters. To go in reverse here, "zfr" were the letters left after taking the vowels out, and the vowels, as they appeared in the word, were "oou". For anybody who doesn't wish to work it out for themselves, the original name / URL segment was "zoofur". I'm not sure if they're still in business anymore, because I think they may have renamed themselves to Zetacreations, but yes, I bought a couple silicone dicks / toys online. They even sent me the wrong thing once, and to this day, I've been unable to use it, for how wide around the thing is, but... that's a bit too detailed. I bought a massive rainbow one from Furbuy, that came second-hand from Bad Dragon, which appealed to me significantly because of the colors. Heh... Shall we do it this way?

I, Karadur Inacu (I'd use my real name, but that seems a bit risky), declare myself to be into the following things:

- Items which can be filled with air. Think about birthday parties, and going swimming in a pool, or at the beach
- Soft fabrics, or soft things in general. Clothing... bedsheets, and such...
- Virtually anything with a camouflage pattern
- Colorful things. Even non-sexually, there's something in rainbow colors that's really pleasing to my eye
- That thing you can do as a guy without having to sit down at a toilet
- Animals. Not to the point of literal human/animal action, but the thought, at times, is an incredible turn-on
- Socks, but only on occasion
- Sounding
- Having things up my bum tailhole, including the smell after they come out

Having said that, this may be the only time I mention any of those things for quite a while. I have been toying with the idea of still going to London for the day this summer, after Jen and I have met up again, and if so, it might be cool to talk about everything that I bought, instead of just those items which don't fall into the "private" category. I also don't want having just come out with all of those things to make it seem like non-innocent, sexual activities and interests rule over my life, because they honestly don't, but they are a considerable part of what make me me.

Along roughly the same lines, I am to the point where I have absolutely no idea of where I stand preference or gender-wise, and I couldn't care less about making a determination now. Most recently, I've thought of myself as demisexual, which I look at as not having an interest in such things until you've become significantly comfortable and familiar with the other person. In the past, however, I've thought of myself as gay, not to mention asexual, so I don't even know. I suppose bisexual might fit in there too, but if I try to imagine myself being with a guy, I get really uncomfortable, really fast. That said, I still honestly feel that things happened with Jen in that way because of who she was to me, and not because she was of the opposite sex.

Getting away from sexual things, I have many mental deficiencies, but I am a work in progress. Because most of my sexual interests are based on attachments to objects, I get really bothered if any of those objects are damaged. For example, air-fillable things being popped, or a soft piece of fabric, or an article of clothing being cut, or something camo or rainbow somehow being damaged. Experiences in the past for me have seen me become more attached to things than to people, and because things mean the world to me, if they are damaged, accidentally or intentionally, it can be extremely depressing. That could be looked at as one of the primary reasons for why I am the way I am in regards to people - because more connections equals more opportunities to be hurt - but still, I've realized that it isn't healthy for me to live the way that I do. I want to keep my interests as an integral part of what make me who I am - I want to continue to wear camo clothing, and to be aroused by textures and sensations of various types of items - but I can't put those items above people.

Back in June of this year, a two and a half year relationship I had been in ended, chiefly because of my problems. In addition to other problems interacting with people, I have this thing where I attach myself to one person, and they are all I need. In this case, that person was my girlfriend - Jen - and the stress I was placing on her and our relationship by always needing her to be there, or to be there with her strained things to the point where she couldn't take it anymore. She also enabled me, by giving me everything I wanted, even if it was something that was still important to her, and because of my attachment to things over people, all I could see was that I had what I wanted, so things were okay again. We're supposed to be meeting up in August to see each other for the first time in two months, but there's a good chance we may never be in a relationship again, which I'm scared of. The last time I saw her, she told me I would one day find somebody else, which is true enough, but I don't handle uncertainty well. I would rather focus on me, including figuring out how to be friends with more than one person at a time, because otherwise, the day will come where she finds somebody else, and if she's still the only person I'm attached to on that day, it's going to be devastating for me.

There's a quote that says it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, which I can agree with, but when it comes to uncertainty, and looking at what happened with pessimistic eyes, and feeling that the future only holds more hurt for me, I wish we'd never met to begin with. I should be thankful though. If we hadn't met, and hadn't ultimately broken up, I would never have had the push that I so desperately needed.

I could go on with this personal profile and information, but the fact that it's almost 2:30am has me pretty tired...

So in other news, my back is absolutely killing me. Say on Saturday of this week, I was downstairs, sitting on the couch, and tried to stretch, but I moved the wrong way or something, and pulled a muscle. Since then, a personal project I've been working on has had me looking down almost all the time, which is doing wonders for my neck and upper back, and going to the lake again with mom today to look for more beach glass, and staring down the entire time only amplified the effect. It was so bad earlier that I could barely even get back out of bed after laying down for a bit, but Adam gave me some medicine which seems to be helping a bit, and hopefully a good night's sleep will put things back in order too.

Yesterday (Monday), work called me in for a 4 - close shift, instead of the 8 - close that I was scheduled for, but it actually went really well. Aside from Vickie. She's new, and she's doing alright for being new, but I dislike people who do what she does and constantly point out how fast I am. I'm fast because I have to be. I'm fast on line because we have to get the orders out, and keep times down, and I'm fast in drive thru, because there's a lot to bounce back and forth between what with taking orders and cashing people out and pouring pops correctly and making sure not to forget sauces / napkins / utensils, and I'm fast at washing dishes because if there's one thing I can't stand it's having to wait around because those didn't get done throughout the day. I suppose it's not a big deal, but comments like her "We should just call him Speedy Gonzales" (to Sara) make me roll my eyes pretty badly. To her credit, though, we got through ~$70 in two orders within ten minutes, which I was pleased with. Also on Monday, the cutest thing ever happened...

So I'm out on my break, doodling on some scratch paper as I've taken to - yes, doodling, and my most recent one is not too bad, if I do say so myself! - and I look up to see this little girl going around and turning all the chairs so they were facing properly forward. If I wasn't on break, I'd have asked her mom right then and there if she could have a dessert, and let her pick which kind she wanted. I ended up just telling her "Thank you very much for your help with the chairs!", and both she and her mom smiled. Then there was Tom and wanting to get off drive thru, because Roy forbid you have to be on it for more than four hours. Sara was outside smoking when the time for me to go on break first came around, so I stayed inside, making orders, waiting for her to come back. Once we'd taken care of the orders, here comes Tom asking if I'll be taking my break soon. I actually said, indirectly "Don't worry. You'll be getting off drive thru soon", and then I saw Logan give him this "Did he just say that?" look.

From today as well now, we went to the army surplus store over on Dover street before going to the lake, because we wanted to see if it was going to rain. I bought a really nice pair of camo pants there, as well as a belt to go with them, and I have every intention of going back. Not only do they have more camo shirts that I want - and I'm going to buy all of them - but they also have keychains, and it overall seems like a place that Jen would very much like to go to when we're able to see each other again. A place where I would like to take her one day, in fact, and then perhaps go to Harvey's for supper or something. As it is, I figure I'll go back for the shirts on Thursday, after my appointment at the hospital, which I'm looking forward to, as much can be expected. My reasoning is that I do want to see a professional about the problems that I have, but I've also made pretty good progress recently toward working more things out for myself. Reading through my previous entry one of those times, I asked myself what Jen would say if she could make some comment to me. What rang most true in my mind? That she'd be proud of me. That she'd be somewhat surprised, but more than that, proud.

But now I've written a hell of a lot, and old me would expand that LJ-cut to encompass a lot more of this entry, but screw it. If anybody did read all of this, sorry for all the scrolling!

Other than that, it's time to actually lay my head down, because I'm sure that will feel positively fantastic <3

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