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Another Random-Everything Dump

It's Tuesday today, and will be for approximately one more hour.

The replacement camera battery charger I ordered was shipped out on the first of this month.

Several weeks of waiting later, I have, for this week, thus far received a part for Trish's laptop on Monday, and a new credit card since my old one is set to expire in August as of today.

I want to take pictures of things. Mom offered me the use of Naomi's camera, and that'll do in a pinch, if what I'm waiting for hasn't arrived by Thursday, but I want mine.

I had this idea for something funny to do with / to Jen that involved burning a certain video file to DVD, so I did. I then went and asked Google how to make a disc case out of a piece of paper, which turned out nicely enough. Earlier this afternoon, though, I got to thinking. I'm working on this other, unrelated thing that also involves DVDs, and if possible, I wanted to find some way to make a case that opened like a normal one. Nothing was available from my searching though, so with some fiddling and trial and error, I created a design of my very own, that can fit not one, but two discs. And possibly more, but difficulty in closing the thing would increase proportionally. I had wanted to take pictures and show off my design here too, which I still might, but the ones I made with cardstock naturally open up by about 30 degrees instead of staying closed, which is non ideal. Nevertheless, have a text-based description.

With a piece of paper in landscape (longways) orientation, make three folds lengthwise. The first should be approximately one inch from the bottom, the second, three and a quarter inches, and the third, roughly eight inches up. Flatten the sheet out, and fold the entire thing in half, then unfold it again. Now, rotate it 90 degrees, and at the top and bottom, make folds about three quarters of an inch in. Rotate the paper back the way you had it previously again, so the single fold is at the top. Fold in the two flaps on the side, then fold up the first flap at the bottom, followed by the second. Next, fold the top flap down, and optionally fold the upper-left corner at a 45 degree angle. Oh, and be sure to use glue / your adhesive of choice as you go along to keep the flaps from unfolding. And there you have it! Getting the discs in and out can be a bit fiddly, but as far as keeping them in, and offering something that in my opinion is slightly better than other designs available, it works!

On that note, I went to Copy Express for colored cardstock with which to make several such cases, and went up to the counter with ten pieces. Six for rainbow colors plus one pink, and three rather thick sheets of white...

OH PLEASE. SELF. YOU ARE DUMB. YOU SAW GLUE STICKS WHILE IN THE CHECKOUT LINE AT DOLLARAMA. YOU THOUGHT TO YOURSELF "I'LL JUST TELL THE CASHIER I JUST NEED TO GRAB ONE OF THOSE AS WELL". AND YOU BLEEDING FORGOT IN THE FIVE SECONDS BETWEEN THEN AND PUTTING YOUR THINGS ON THE COUNTER. THIS IS WHERE THE "DUR" PART OF YOUR NAME COMES FROM, Y'KNOW

...

...so yeah. Ten sheets in all, which I was expecting to pay several dollars for. The grand total? One dollar. A single loonie. I love that place. Especially in regards to taking to papercrafts, I love that place.

But that's been a good chunk of my day. Sitting at the table in the kitchen working on things, and going out into the dining room periodically to check on things. But productivity started before that, even. I woke up today intending to mow the lawn. I wanted to do it last week, because it's an extremely satisfying, involving task to have to do, but upon checking the lawn from the kitchen window, I decided it didn't look long enough to bother with, and Dad ended up getting to it instead. So today, at about 10am, I went downstairs, powered through Tidal Trouble in less than two hours, and went right out there. Put shorts, socks, and pants on, but no shirt, because I'm cool like that, and now have a sunburn to show for it. I also have something else, which everybody else seems to assume feels alot worse than it actually does, as seen here. The filename should say it all, but as I explained to Logan when I was in to pick up my pay stub, I was attempting to move the pichic table aside to mow where it was. Pushed it up on one end, and had the genius stroke of thought to try just turning it to the side from there, which didn't happen. It started to fall, and was oriented in such a way that I was worried it might break if it hit the ground hard, so I reached out to grab it, but it was falling too fast to effectively grab, and yeah. Personally? I kind of like it. I know I sustained some form of internal injury, but it's a bruise at worse, and is just... cool. I don't know. I'm weird.

Continuing with weirdness, let's have a story regarding a personal interest that came up earlier. I was sitting at the computer in the dining room getting something set up, and Trish was behind me, asking what site she could find music albums on. The one she wanted seems to be rare, so she eventually suggested eBay, as she said she wouldn't mind buying a copy of the actual CD, so I went there, still apparently logged in from having left feedback last bleeding night before bed, and displayed right there down near the bottom of the screen is a masked woman sitting on top of and in amongst an assortment of large balloons. I don't think Trish saw, and even if she did, she didn't say anything, but yep. That happened. Later, when I had some privacy, I investigated what it was, and it seems the seller is the owner / administrator of a fetish site, and is selling off absolutely everything they've produced in different packages, and even as an all-in-one. Unfortunately, they're all pretty insanely priced (mid-low three digits to four), so I'll pass. And they had some plain colored large balloons for sale too, which I wasn't interested in, but still prompted going upstairs for a bit. Yay me. Oh! In roughly the same vein, my bunny has had its shipping paid for, and was sent out on the 27th, apparently to arrive in 8-12 days. I don't know why, but I legitimately get so much amusement and enjoyment over thinking about how it's just going to go into storage. Like I spent almost $600 on this thing, and I'm just putting it away for now.

Now that leads me to another thought. I've been continuing to think about 74 King, and finding my own place eventually. I think about how I'd be able to have the bunny out there, and possibly even my wolf at the same time, depending on space, which is fantastic and all, but there's something else I'd previously forgotten about that I would greatly enjoy being able to do again. While we were still living in the building, I would occasionally buy some random treat from Dollarama, and tack it up to the bulletin board downstairs. On Christmas Day, I wrapped up a package of M&Ms and put them under the tree, being labeled as being from the "mystery treat person" or somesuch. It's just fun to do things like that, and I'd quite like to be able to again. Or find some sort of equivalent like buying a handful (6 - 10) chocolate bars from Dollarama, taking a long route home from work, and dropping them in random peoples' mailboxes along the way. Though if I did that, I'd want to make up little cards saying that the candy was in fact safe, although the recipient could discard it if they didn't want to take the chance, and come up with some pseudonym for myself to see what, if any buzz, is generated.

Back at work on Monday night, a random customer asked me if I'd ever been on "Rant and Rave", which I've gathered is a Facebook group. Orlando has told me a couple times in the past that I've been mentioned on there (though I'm not sure in what context), and even showed me on his phone on the way home one night a post somebody had made about how Tom and I are so good at our jobs. Which is really cool. But getting back to the lady, I told her I'd heard about it, but never seen it for myself, because I don't have a Facebook account. She proceeded to comment that people talk on there all the time about how awesome I am, leaving me all kinds of curious, and wondering, once again, in what context are they referring to me. Lord, I need to count my blessings sometimes. Just going back to Jen having said it, and I'm sure other people making the same comment in the past too, almost all of Chatham knows me as the cat guy. I get that. It's a thought that crosses my mind once every several months at best. What gets me though is that for almost all of Chatham knowing of me, how many people actually know me? How many people do I talk to about my personal life? Maybe a handful. What would it be like if almost all of Chatham knew of me, and also knew that I had this journal? I know 95% of the people wouldn't care, but, to contradict myself, just because I write about my personal life publicly doesn't mean I want my personal life to be public. Hell, what would the reaction be like if somebody who knew and talked to alot of people and was curious enough about me was there that night I walked to Walmart and bought a stack of like six inflatables? I still remember the cashier giving me a funny look as she rang up my purchases. Again though, whatever. I want anything like that - not just personal interests, but stuff that I previously was really private about - to become stuff that I can be secure enough in to own it. To not be ashamed that it's part of who I am.

As I've mentioned several times in this entry alone, but also quite directly in that other one, I have a reasonably wide variety of sexual interests. I am emotionally stable on the best of days, but behind that calm, collected exterior hides the framework of me interacting with people and the world as I've best learned how to, with an assortment of loose screws and rusty braces and heavy loads that could cause a malfunction, or even complete shutdown depending on how any given stimulus affects me. The depression I used to suffer from has become more manageable ever since I've started to learn how to be comfortable with myself, and how to look at situations that previously would have caused me indescribable anxiety in a different way. That said, I'm no stranger to thoughts of suicide and to ending my life. I have never made an attempt, but I've come alot closer in my mind than I'm comfortable with. I have felt that absolute worst sort of hopelessness, where it feels like the world is closing in on you, and there's no escape. I have fought, and am still fighting with black and white thinking, and am trying to be better at recognizing when it negatively affects some aspect of my life. I feel like in interpersonal relationships (colloquially known as "friendships"), I have hurt more people than I have helped, and I don't know how to ever be normal when it comes to interacting with people, but I do know it's something that can't be forced. I'm interested in some pretty specific things, and I'm talking in general this time. The main one that comes to mind is elevators. In person, they used to be something I was quite scared of, as ever since I was a kid, I've had this fear of being in one, and the floor falling out. Through living with my now ex-girlfriend for almost two and a half years at an apartment building with an elevator, though, I was able to overcome that fear. Youtube videos of people riding elevators also helped, and I have such this weird fascination with them. Standard elevator rides no longer tickle my fancy though. There has to be something special about the elevator, be it an unusual configuration, odd - even frightening (death trap) - behavior, or a special attribute unique to that one machine. I'm also kinda sorta into lockpicking, though my interest in that has died off ever since my favorite pick snapped. I should order a new set. I've been let down every time I check bosnianbill's channel on Youtube lately, because I want to see a new video from him, but there hasn't been anything.

I tnink that about does it for unusual things. Anything else is either unusual stuff that I'm comfortable enough with in myself as is, or is something about me that differs from the norm but doesn't bother me whatsoever.

...y'know what gets me about that Rant and Rave group? I recover my old fake Facebook account I created years ago, and try to join the group, to see what things people are saying about me. And my request is apparently denied, probably because of the lack of activity in my account, and obviously fake profile picture. Plain curiosity makes me want to know what people are saying, be it about me at work, or me in general, but I can't. And I don't care enough to make it look like I actually have connections with people and have some legit reason to want to join the group. And I'm sure as hell not going to find a way to contact one of the admins and say "Hey it's me the cat guy and you let me in please thanks I'm using a fake account because I don't want people to know it's me". Riiiight. I suppose in a similar way, there was also that group specifically about me that Munedust reported, and subsequently was taken down. Which I can understand, because they had a Google Maps picture pointing directly to my house, which is kind of a privacy concern, but even then, things other people are saying about me are just out of my grasp. Always. I suppose that's the way of life.

Am I starting to ramble? I certainly feel like I am, and I keep wanting more and more to go downstairs and check things on the desktop computer, because I may be able to go into the next stage, but I think if I do that, I'll have lost my train of thought by the time I come back up, and this entry will come to a screeching halt, as has happened a good few times before.

So what else is there to say? Tomorrow morning holds nothing too special, unless my bleeding battery (I swear to Roy I typed "battery party" at first...) charger finally arrives, in which case I'm going to dance around with joy. Then there's work from 5 - close, which will probably be busy since last Wednesday was too, and not much outside of that. I should make use of my break tomorrow to go get a precious single glue stick from Dollar Tree. After that is Thursday, where the main activity of interest - outside of getting paid - will be going to Heart and Stroke to see Michele for one of the last times there. I had wanted to buy her a thank you card, but when I went to Dollarama and started looking, all I could think was that to do so would feel kind of weird for Michele, and I'd rather just verbally tell her thank you instead. Such things like "I know all along I've technically been working for you and other people in this office, but even between that, and not having really started talking until just recently, you've been a big, positive influence on my life. and it's been both fun and a pleasure to help you out here. I don't know what your plans are for the future, but if you ever find yourself with a job where volunteers are needed, and you have some control over the hiring process, give me a call". Something sincere, and, appropriately, from the heart. I don't think there will be anything too special for the night after that, but after Thursday comes Friday, which means only two working days until the time I've been waiting for for the past two months.

I can feel it now. That burning desire to just be done with it. Kjnd of like Christmas years before, with all the preparations, and everything leading up to it, by the time you're ready and set to go, you want the day to just be over and done with. Just as I want the second to be here and done, so I can move on with my life and know for sure how much of a part Jen will continue to play in it. I should be excited to show her what I've been working on, and to finally be able to make good on my plans, but all that excitement and bubbliness has been buried under this face right here: :|

But now, I think I may end this just as abruptly as I've been trying to avoid, because I can't avoid needing to go to the bathroom, and the urge is becoming pretty strong. I'll leave you with one more picture of something I saw earlier today though. Again, the filename says everything, but just... Self esteem, much?

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