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The Time Has Come (Part 2)

Concern #1. Is user's anxiety sky-high? Yes. We were tracking the development of the phenomenon until ~10:30pm, but new research indicates a need for new detection and tracking equipment
Concern #2. Is user experiencing panic? Affirmative. User's panic stopped peaking at approximately 2:30am, following a conversation with one Naomi, who we assume to be a sibling, nevertheless, traces of such extreme agitation remain.
Concern #3. Is user unable to sleep? Yes. They were observed to consume a Rockstar Mocha energy drink following their walk home from work. This, coupled with the above two factors, is preventing them from laying down peacefully. BREAKING: signs of drowsiness were detected starting at roughly three hours after midnight. Will update if anything further occurs.

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So that's all fun to write and such, but legitimately, there are no words to describe how I feel. I just want to be done. After a long night at work, when I was indeed on line the entire time, I came home, checked things on my laptop quickly, and just broke down in tears. I know I can do this, and I want to be strong, for myself as well as for Jen, but for twenty minutes or so, I just felt so done. I felt like I couldn't do it anymore, and like I was completely, fully, 100% done.

I managed to pull myself out of it for long enough to head upstairs and shower, then I noticed Naomi's light was still on, so I knocked on her door, and asked if we could talk after I got my laundry in. We talked for a good little while, and I am definitely feeling better now, having been able to tell and express to somebody else how I'm feeling, and to hear them tell me I need to stop worrying so much, as well as to be given some pieces of solid advice to keep in mind for tomorrow, but just... I don't even know. I just don't.

I don't know how to feel, or how I should feel, both right now, and for tomorrow. I know what I want to do, for Jen and for myself, but after talking with Naomi, I've decided on a slightly more cautious approach, in order to be respectful toward her. I want to take her out to supper later in the afternoon / evening, because some of the things I have for her are things I want to give her while we're out, because that's the environment I want to give them in, but as Naomi offered, she may not even want to go out to do anything. If that does happen, we can try to compromise, and find something that works for both of us, but frankly, I know what I want, and I've become a bit set in assuming that my ideal outcome is exactly what's going to happen.

I wonder if she stayed awake past midnight just to read the letter I mailed to her, or if she decided to leave it 'til morning. I wonder if I'll hear from her first, be it via phone call or whatever other means, or if I'll have to call her when I'm ready, per usual. I wonder what she'll think about the things I have planned to do before even properly seeing her again, and I wonder how she'll feel toward me in general. I wonder if she's feeling the same anxiety that I am over meeting up with each other again. I wonder if she's so worried and worked up too. Is it wrong of me to say that if she was, it would help me to feel a little better?

Compared to the bundle of nerves that I was all throughout work, I do feel more prepared for having talked to Naomi, but anxiety is still pretty high. I didn't eat anything for breakfast after finishing with Flight Rising for the day, and in fact, all I've actually had for food has been two burritos at work made with nothing more than melted cheese. I guess I kind of feel hungry, but not enough to want food. I want for my laundry to be done, and I want to make sure I have absolutely everything I can prepare ahead of time ready to go for tomorrow, so I don't forget anything here.

This is starting to get repetitive though...

To repeat the same thing that I wrote to Jen earlier, tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of our lives. I may still fear the unknowns, but for the first time in this situation, I need to accept that I can't know everything, and put my best foot forward. To do what I want to do that I think she'll like, and worry about the rest afterward. It's hard, but it's what needs to happen.

Wish us luck!

...8 and a half hours...
...that's just enough time to get a good night's sleep...
...crazy how it seemed so far away before, and now it's almost right there...
...deep breaths...
...deep breaths...
...it'll be okay...
...promise...

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