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This is the First Day...

I'd actually not planned on writing in here today. After spending yesterday with Jen, and the way things ended, I wanted nothing more than to lay down in bed, cry myself to sleep, and not wake up until late in the afternoon.

The day did go extremely well overall, and it was honestly beyond incredibly great to be able to see her and talk to her and touch her and interact with her again, but just... I let her go. I wrote that friends-only entry where I let her go. I stood by that and felt better for it from the entire time between when I posted the thing and yesterday, when we saw each other.

But to actually see her again. And to touch her. And to hug her and get emotional together. And to lay in bed while she read through the memory book I gave her, brushing my fingers through her hair lightly, and laying right in against her, almost as if snuggling just threw ALL the letting her go out the window. At one point, when we were both emotional about something or another I'd written in the book, she was laying face-down on my leg, and I had my face down on her head, and I just told her "I want to do this, because it feels right, so I'm going to just do it", and I kissed the top of her head.

When we were standing out on the porch so she could have a cigarette while it was raining, we were talking about fabric, and some of the uncomfortable things I want to have a proper talk about eventually, and she took my hands, and we looked each other in the eyes really intently, and she said something, very quietly. I swear, I thought I heard her say "I love you", and I felt a sudden, brief spike of overwhelming joy as she smiled and nodded her head silently, but I asked her to repeat herself just because I wasn't sure what she'd said, and it turns out her actual words were "I'm proud of you". Which is still incredibly meaningful, but quite different than what I thought I heard.

When it was almost time for me to leave, she was giving Conner a bum change, and I was telling her about how I truly, 100% felt like the one thing I wanted out of life was to be with somebody who made me happy and who I could make happy, and she responded, asking if I remembered what the one thing she told me before that she's always wanted was. I hesitated for a moment, trying to remember, and just as I was starting to speak, she said "Love".

...
...
...

I lost it. In that instant, my mind flashed to the two and a half years we spent together, and wondered what they all amounted to for her. I started crying on the spot, and she got incredibly concerned, pausing mid-bum change getting worked up herself, telling me she hadn't meant it like that. I attempted to calm myself down, and told her I knew she hadn't meant it in that way, but to be completely honest, for her to have said that still hurts, really really bad. I loved you for the entire two and a half years we were together, Jen. I know it may not have seemed like it with all the problems we had because of how I am, but I did, and the part that really sucks, looking forward to the future, is that I still do. Looking back to last night, I wish I hadn't outright told her that I understood she didn't mean it that way, because it makes eventually having to tell her that I am quite bothered even more difficult, but... no.

No.
No.
No.
No.
No.

I refuse to hide my true feelings from her, or anybody else. I still want an apology from her for smoking around my things, because that's a topic that started to come up last night, but was never really fully addressed. It sucks in the context of both of us wanting love to have told her that I know she didn't mean it that way, and to have every intention to tell her the next time we talk that those few words hurt me quite deeply, but I need to be true to myself before anybody else. I'm actually kind of let down that for all I did for her yesterday - the literal almost two months worth of stuff I've been working on to surprise her with and to show her how much she means to me, even just as a friend - she had nothing in return. I was proven correct on two out of my three assumptions about things she'd have changed about herself - she lost weight, and had her hair cut - but just... it brings me back to all the things we talked about when we were a couple before too. In the past, we talked once about her wanting to get her hair cut, and I told her in some way that I would like the part that she had cut off, because I'm weird like that. Such as it is, she has that part in a bag somewhere set aside for donation, and I completely understand and am okay with that. But then another such topic is a camo backpack she had that she was using for her own personal things, that became pretty worn out, which she wanted to replace. She offered it to me, being camo and all, and I accepted. Where did I see it yesterday? Sitting in a corner in the kitchen, presumably with the intent to be kept by herself. In all honesty, it's just a backpack, and if she wants to keep it, that's just as well, because all I would do is put it in storage and keep it as a strong memory of her, but it's just something else that's changed, and instead of not wanting to rock the boat, so to speak, I'm going to start by writing about such things in here, and see where that goes.

Her plans for today are uncertain in such a way that she couldn't say for sure whether or not we'd be able to hang out. She plans to go out to get groceries, and to do all this usual running around, and just hearing her talk about everything, it felt so very... wrong to feel excluded, when grocery shopping and any other errands were generally always things we went out to do before. I do fully understand why I can't go with them, but say, for example, that last night over supper, she told me about how Walmart has camo notebooks in various colors for $1, that she was sure I would like. In the past, me wanting to go out to Walmart to get those would just necessitate a bit of extra driving. And now, it's like the idea of even going to the fabric store and other places where I want significant personal change-related events to happen are largely out of the question, until she herself feels that she actually has the time for it.

I can't do this. I can't continue to have my life revolve around her, but as I was trying to express, through tears, when it was getting close to time for me to leave last night, without somebody there for my life to revolve around, I feel like it has no meaning. She reasonably offered the advice that my life should revolve around me, but it doesn't. Unless I have things to do, or plans for the day, I just sit here, without purpose. In a different way, I just want to be done. I want things to be like they were before again, be it with Jen or somebody else, where I can come home after a long day or night at work, and see that other person who means the world to me, and for just that simple event to brighten my day. I want to feel genuinely wanted and needed again, not in the sense of doing things here like cutting the grass and washing dishes once a week, because those are obligations, but like just existing in somebody else's like makes a positive difference to them, and makes them happier as well.

I want to feel happy again, and for the first time in two months, I felt happy yesterday. To see Jen, and surprise her with being a cat mechanic. To wheel the incredibly heavy wagon of stuff over - 72 bottles of pop, among other things - and to give her a big hug, and to start getting emotional when we hadn't even been physically together again for more than ten minutes...

To go out to Glitters for supper, and slowly but surely give her everything that I'd been working on...

For her to open the wood box that I hand-painted, and open the memory book inside, and start to tear up, reading the final entry at my recommendation. Yes, we were getting emotional in Glitters. She didn't want to smudge her make-up, but I think just accepted that past a point, and for me, I just didn't care. The young, beautiful woman sitting on the other side of the table was the most important thing in the room - in the city - in the country - hell, the entire WORLD - and her being there made any other concerns that I ever could have had just vanish away.

The way we actually walked back to her place, through the wind and lightning, then went upstairs, where we got to more things. She read the rest of the entries in the little book, and we both got plenty emotional. At one point, she sat up and motioned for me to sit up too, so we could give each other a hug, and just... that. To hug her, and be hugged in return, and to feel her place her hand gently on my back... I could literally feel the anxiety and panic of two months being separated, and panic and anxiety over everything else just melting away.

But that can't happen.

To be quite blunt, it fucks with me way too much. To touch her and hold her and be physically close to her - lovingly, I want to add - is just too much. It's exactly what I want to happen, because of how much better I feel, but for the consequences, it's exactly what can't happen. And I'm truly terrified to be writing this, because it's the truth, and I don't want to hide it because of that, but I know now that she'll read this entry eventually, and when she gets to this part, she'll be that much more reluctant to allow or engage in such physical contact, for knowing how it affects me. Without physical contact though, I feel like a walking bundle of nerves, that almost hurts physically slightly because of it.

And I just want to go upstairs to what I might as well start calling my room, since I've been sleeping there for two months, and just cry. I want to cry and cry and cry, for so long that hours pass, and somehow convince myself that I'm better off not just letting her go as more than a friend, but as a friend too, because of how I feel I'm never going to be able to get over the way I feel. She is worth more to me than that, just for the record, but there are times when I wonder if it wouldn't be easier in the long run.

I had a dream last night that I can't remember much of now, but I do know it involved me being at her house again, when we were just about to say our goodbyes, and her telling me that I should give her a goodbye kiss. And I had another dream where I was sitting in front of her computer again, singing along with a song, because that's something I did for her last night. She'd danced around in the kitchen while I watched, and was really self-conscious, and, I have to assume, a little embarrassed at first, but I think she did really good, and had some pretty sexy moves. I told her I wanted to try dancing with her too, eventually, because it is the sort of thing that I'd be kind of upset if we couldn't actually do, but for just that night, we figured out something different. I like to sing, so long as I know the song. Typically, however, I don't sing very loudly, because it's something I'm self-conscious about for myself. But later, after other things were done, and we were just about at the end of the night, I sat there in front of her computer, looked up To Where You Are and Verita by Josh Groban on Youtube, and sung along to both. She said she liked hearing me sing, and that she liked my voice, but for the fact that it's the first time in my life I've intentionally done that in front of another person, I'd like to hear more. Did I sound good? Was it at all different than what you were expecting? What was it like to just hear me sing, when that's something I've never done specifically for you to hear before?

It's hard. I feel like up until yesterday, my life had a purpose. It was to work on things for Jen and her mom, and start trying to figure myself out. I had a countdown in my planner going from the beginning of July, since that's where it started, to August 2nd, of days until we could see each other again. What can I count down to next? Her birthday? If I did that, it'd be looking ahead to another significant event that just revolves around her, when things won't even be the same this year either. Her first birthday in two years which we won't be together for. I'm sorry, Jen. Happy 25th when you get there, and I hope you and Audra have fun doing whatever you do if you end up going to stay with her for a bit, but I fucking can't. I want to do something special for your birthday still, like taking you out to dinner and a movie, as we were already discussing, but I absolutely hate the way it feels to know that I would have to arrange those plans around whatever else you want and plan to do, instead of you wanting to go along with whatever I have planned first, and to only be together for a little bit, instead of the entire day, like before. It's better than not being able to do anything at all, yes, but for right now, I can't get past that feeling. I want to be the most important person - right after Conner, obviously - in your life again, because you sure as hell are in mine, but I know that to even still feel that way is causing me significant personal pain and difficulty, and I just can't.

One of the things we mentioned needing to eventually talk about a couple times yesterday was setting up boundaries for the future. Figuring out and actually writing down on paper what we both are and are not comfortable with. The biggest thing for me right away is everything related to fabric and crafts, when it comes to using an actual article of clothing. Just... for the idea of imagining her still doing whatever she wants without regard for how I feel, so long as I don't see, I just want to walk away from her and say I'm done, and to be completely done. I can't do it, and the only two concessions I honestly want to ask her for are that when it comes to crafts, she not use any camo or rainbow clothing, or anything camo or rainbow not intended to be used for such purposes, and if she was intending to use some other article of clothing, like an old shirt, for example, she allow me to be there for the first several times of her turning it into a piece of fabric, and even do some of the cutting myself, so I could get used to the feeling. If she could promise me that, then no matter what else happened, I could find some way to be comfortable with it, but I just can't be okay with a repeat of the pant leg issue, or her hiding things because she doesn't want to hurt me. I truly am so done with everything else related to crafts, and just want to discuss it and figure out when we can go to the fabric store and whatnot, but that will come eventually, and I already know the more pushy I get about it, the less likely she'll be to want to go at all.

Last night on the porch, when we were talking about fabric, she told me once again about how she justified cutting the zipper off the pant leg, and though I know and am supposed to accept and understand that as her thought process toward it / them, I started feeling really defensive, because I want her to know and understand mine too. I want to get this feeling out of my head that she still thinks she's right and I'm wrong, and to replace it with one that says my own opinion isn't invalidated just because it differs from the norm, and that we both understand how each other feels about what happened, and though we have a difference of opinion on the matter, we're on the same page as far as understanding how we feel. I'm beyond drained and just so tired and done with feeling wrong because my opinion on some topic is completely the opposite of somebody else who really matters to me.

...if we do end up seeing each other today, I wonder if I'll have even eaten anything beforehand. Neither of us did yesterday, right up until we went out for supper, and even then, we were still so affected by general anxiety and nerves - even though things were going well - that we didn't have have much of an appetite.

When we talked on the phone for the first time yesterday, I asked what she thought about me writing a couple times about liking of the idea of moving to 74 King. I had to remind her, because she couldn't remember what I was talking about, so I used the same words I did the first time about how she'd probably roll her eyes and question my motives. Know what happened? She said that's exactly what she did, and while I can laugh that particular part off, since I did expect it, I feel kind of hurt at the same time. It was a difficult thing for me to open up and write about initially, because typically, I like to be certain about major life events before actually saying something about them happening, but toward the idea of moving, and toward the idea of moving to that apartment building in particular, I was hoping for it to be something to hesitantly bring up and tell her about, since she did move in there once before. I don't know that she'd be able to offer any more advice than any other random person, but I'd wanted to talk about it with her. I'd wanted to talk about wanting to get a place of my own within the next year, if possible, and how I'm incredibly nervous, and all the ways I feel about it.

But there's still so much to talk about. We barely scratched the surface yesterday, and there's two and a half years of stuff to talk about. We only have the rest of our lives, but will I be able to wait that long? Will she be able to wait that long?

She has her own life now. One where, to just be blunt and put it this way, I am not her primary focus right after Conner. I need to find a way to be the same, but just...

I want things to be the way they were before again.

I want to be happy, and to have that significant somebody in my life to make happy.

But I'm chasing dreams right now.

...what is the nature of my life, and how have I come to be on this path?

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