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So Many Thoughts

Not to repeat the title, but so many thoughts.

Honestly, much as I want to write about recent events, I'm almost tempted to say that what's happened has happened, and to just stop trying to hold onto everything for my mind's benefit. That said, to at least give this a try, for I feel that if I were able to get properly focused, I could do pretty well, current circumstances.

I am sitting on the couch in the living room, at home. I'm feeling slightly hazy-minded, and generally a little unsettled because I wasn't feeling well overall when I woke up today, and my plans for the afternoon are thus: write this, however long it takes, take care of necessary things in Flight Rising, submit a general online job application to Sobeys, clean up the immediate area and the bedroom upstairs, possibly get up to activities requiring of the door to be locked, possibly mow Jen's mom's grass, go out to Giant Tiger for chocolate ice cream, have a shower, and sit to do whatever and await Jen's return home.

She's gone out to a wedding today - Jennah's, to be specific - and though we have plans for apple sauce and tomato soup later, I'm left here to entertain myself until she gets home. The ice cream, provided I buy it, will be for smoothies too, and then there's certain... vegetable-y type stuff, and more Geometry Dash and IT Crowd and whatnot, because we've been quite getting into that lately. I even got the second coin in Time Machine within two tries! But in the meantime, I find myself feeling slightly out-of-place, and generally without that comfortable environment with another person nearby. Dad's out doing something in the dining room, so I guess he's there, but that's different, right?

...I wonder if it's ever really going to hit me, or if I'm still just not able to realize the actual ramifications in my current state of mind. It's Saturday, right? This time last week, we were open for business. Right now, however, drive on by Taco Bell, and you're going to be waiting a good half a year to be served. It's weird to actually think about how I have all these plans through to later tonight on a Saturday. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't nice, in a way, just for the break and relaxation, but something in the back of my mind does know that I should be working, and that past next Thursday, and the possibility of unemployment, I am going to need to find a job if I am to keep earning money. I was previously looking at a really nice position for Real Canadian Superstore. Four shifts a week, at 8.5 hours each, weekends mandatory, from 10pm to 6:30am. Good hours, decent walk to lose some weight, and it's something not directly related to customer service, right? Unhelpfully, the listing expired or was filled before we closed, and I'd wanted to wait until we closed to apply. There's a daytime position for a cashier out there, so should I apply for that, and if I get an interview, specify that I'm also available to work nights? I don't know yet, but one way or the other for now, it's still beyond impossible to believe that the 10 year journey (I was about to type "adventure", but that would only recently be correct) of Taco Bell is over. My first job. The one I hated at the beginning, but came to excel at with time. The one that I took from its rough beginnings and turned into something that some people knew me for. It's a hard thing to process, but I know for sure what I want with a new job is to start with something that isn't entirely comfortable, and with time and effort, become used to it. Jen would appreciate me humorously stating that I should apply out at the fabric store, or maybe One Stop Party Shop, since those would both be interesting experiences.

Nevertheless, work is over with. Perhaps later, if the mood is right, and Jen doesn't mind the thought of a lay and talk, I might like to think back to what things were like when I started there. How I literally got the job at his recommendation to Earl, and our random stop in there on our way out to EB Games. Just the simple lack of familiarity in the entire process, of going in and discussing my first shift, to stepping out and continuing on the way with Josh remarking "So you just got a job! How does it feel?". So much has happened then though. I literally became who I am today in the time I worked at Taco Bell. Meeting Squnq and having him come all the way from Hamilton to take me to London for the furmeet there happened while I was working there, and I remember that because we'd stopped at Arbys within the night, and he asked me something to do with it. I started losing weight when I met Cola, and the opportunity was presented for me to go to London again. I planned a couple furmeets here, and experienced one of the first memorable episodes of completely stopping talking to people. I met Dan once I had a good handle on things at work, and over the course of a couple years, went up to meet him more times than I can count. Then Jen and I met, and even while work was still open, everything that happened for us over the years took its course. We had a lot of good times, but also some bad ones, and things didn't turn out so well. Now they're somewhat back again, which is a topic that confuses me a fair bit, but there's something a little random I should mention first.

I've been thinking about the pant legs and all of that more often than normal lately. Usually it's later at night, and I'm just sitting and doing whatever, and the thought will flash through my mind about how they were whole before she got to them, and as if it wasn't bad enough that she had to cut the zipper off, she also had to cut off a separate piece to be able to cut the pawprint shapes out of. And it really bugs me, because the rational side of my brain knows it should be preferable to use whatever item unconventionally than to discard it outright, but the emotional side still feels a lesser version of the same way it used to. I want to sit and discuss and dissect the problem in all its gory detail, but then I pull myself out of that way of thinking, and ask myself what I can do to move away from the problem in a different way than before. Acknowledge that what happened then still hurts, and though it was the beginning of the end as far as our past relationship goes, I don't want not being able to let go of the past to ruin whatever is going to happen for us in the future. I almost legitimately want to go for a late-night walk with her one night, small shovel in pocket, find an out-of-the-way area underneath a tree or something, and bury them in the ground right there. I made plenty of mistakes of my own before, so it's not right to frequently feel negatively toward her for something long past and long discussed when she's presumably trying to leave the past in the past herself. We already had the discussion about things that will not be touched for craft purposes anyway. It's just so annoying because spending time with her over the past days has been great, and as I remarked to her earlier today, it was almost like the way things used to be. It did come up the other night, though, I suppose. I had wrapped some of her birthday gifts in pawprint wrapping paper, and had brought along a scrap piece of the paper so the pawprints could be cut out and used in either our scrapbook or the ones we each both have one of now. That was in the kitchen, and whilst walking back and forth, I commented that I'd just had a negative thought from the past, which had to do with pawprints. I don't know. I say this to Jen, and to anybody else reading: I still have a hard time getting stuck in and reliving a negative past event by remembering it. The emotions usually don't come back as strong, but they come back nonetheless, and it's the reason my mood can sometimes go from energetic and upbeat to sullen and off with no apparent cause.

The other night, we had a bit of a thing where it was ~7:30 in the morning, and she was suggesting the idea of me going home for the night, because she had to watch Mikey the next morning. I was sitting / laying in her computer chair at the time, just relaxing, and though what she said did not directly hurt me, it still set off that chain reaction. Thoughts about going home versus laying down next to her, and about how I wouldn't mind sleeping on the floor so she could still smoke out the window, but that it wouldn't be my place to say that, and... generally I got into this mildly emotional lump, with no available course of action seeming any more appealing than the others. She clued in at some point and guessed at pretty much exactly what I was feeling, and nothing really happened. I would later find out that she sat there for the entire time feeling worse and worse because she knew I was feeling off, but wasn't saying anything, while I was just sitting there going over the same series of consierations again and again. A comment was made about how she should be able to smoke in her bedroom, and just randomly after that, she relented. She actually insisted that I stay, despite my offering to still go home, and... that was the end of it. The incident did lead to two positives, being to try and say what's on my mind if I do find myself mulling over the same thing constantly, and for two, to actually say so if I want something, because otherwise, she's never going to know, and I'll still want it, and become more and more off that I'm not getting it. Later tonight, for example. I loaned her some money to take to the wedding, because she wouldn't have had any money otherwise. I offered that she could start to pay me back by making me a Swedish Berry shot, because she mentioned them back on her birthday, and we never quite got there.

She really enjoyed her gift hunt on Wednesday night, though unfortunately, the video will never be seen by anybody else, because of an unfortunate detail some minutes in that we overlooked. Thursday - the day we celebrated her birthday - didn't end up going quite as I hoped it would, but it was still fun. I anticipated having money from Orlando and Brandon to work with, but they both had things come up, so both new destinations had to be crossed off the list, and hardly any money was spent, except for supper. We ended up not watching a movie in bed after all, instead, sitting up at the computer for a couple episodes of IT Crowd, which were still fun (the "I'm disabled!" one we watched last night was great), and still had chicken wings about ten minutes before Pizza Tonite closed, but nowhere near the munchy extravaganza I was picturing. I think for both of our sakes we need to stop that though. I enjoyed my virtually limitless supply of Tootsie Rolls, as she noticed from the evidence in the garbage, but snacking just for the sake of being hungry with no control does sadly not work. Going on adventures as we have been doing is quite fun, and for me, I seem to end up washing the dishes about half the time I go on one, but constant eating cannot continue. That said, supper out on Thursday was nice, and though I'm still surprised at passing on a Doughcano, I'm equally surprised at casually ordering an alcoholic drink. It was quite tasty, but gave me a brain freeze, so that was a little obnoxious.

I actually thought quite a bit about what to do with today when we were getting ourselves ready. My first thought was to help Jen's mom get her grass done, but I'm waiting for a bit in hopes that it dries enough to be cut with the electric mower. After that, I knew I should look into job postings some more, and just send my resume to Sobeys, but one of the other recurring thoughts was to go on 7 Cups of Tea and talk to somebody. It's not that things have been going badly in any way, but for everything that's happened with work closing and with nothing left that I once held onto as far as familiarity, I would like to see what somebody else has to say. But I want a complete stranger's opinion. Somebody who doesn't know me, or my life, whom I can tell about it, and see what they think.

But not today.

The premise is interesting, and indeed, for the various details of some things, it would be interesting to have another person's perspective, but that can be an idea for another time. For now, I believe strongly enough that to try and draw meaning from what's been going on is akin to thinking about it too much. At least that's some improvement compared to before.

Now, I'm going to bide my time for a little bit, send Jen a message in Skype, make some toast with margarine and Nutella, and see about cleaning up. Sounds like a good course of action~

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