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Saturday, June 2nd, 2018

A New Personal Best

It's quarter to five in the morning and I'm sitting here awake and still somewhat alert. What am I doing to my sleep schedule? At least it'll be nice with the cooler weather to sleep in tomorrow. This being out of work thing was kind of nice at first, but I'm into the second month now, and the money thing is starting to get to me. As far as I can tell, I probably can't apply for unemployment because I left Taco Bell on my own terms, and even if they made some exception and approved my application, the repercussions next year when I get my taxes done wouldn't make it worth it in the end. But this is all entirely beside the point anyway, because I actually logged back into my account here to write about the walk I went on tonight. Previously, this here was the farthest I'd ever gone, and that was 7 years ago looking at the original image properties. Unfortunately, Google Maps can't show the route I walked tonight all at the same time, and I have neither the patience nor the time to sit here taking screenshots for the next two hours, so we'll do it in text, because that seems like it should work.

so as to keep it contained...Collapse )

That only took an hour and a half instead of two. And I can see daylight outside. How awkward. I guess for now I should go lay down and see what happens, because I'm sure I could use the sleep, and I'm interested to see how my legs and body in general feel whenever I get up. Maybe I'll go for another walk and take all this donation stuff out if I'm feeling up to it~

Saturday, May 5th, 2018

It's Nice to Go Back

I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed riding the train. From the excitement of going someplace different and the anticipation of adventures waiting at that location, to watching the scenery out the window, and even the relaxing sway and shaking of the car, there's nothing else quite like it.

Today, I went to London on my own, for my third proper shopping day. No idea how long it's been since last time, but circumstances as of late being what they are, I wanted to do something special for myself. Typical for me, I already want to go back, but give it a few days and the idea will fizzle out, once proper life and priorities come into effect again.

A picture will come once I get everything sorted and arranged, but for now, I went to five places, spent about half the money I took, and still came away with so much that one of the wheels actually broke off my luggage bag. The friction from having to drag the thing the rest of the way back to the train station with only one good wheel pretty well destroyed any chances of somehow fitting a new wheel on, so I suppose this one will head off to Goodwill in hopes somebody wants a suitcase with an accessory wheel. Sad, considering how many trips to Toronto it saw me through, but it did well while it lasted.

I also managed to rip a small hole in my pants while I was trying to heft the entire weight of my purchases with one hand back from the Tim Hortons near the train station in London, and broke my PSP screen at some point. The kaleidoscope of colors when I adjust the volume is kind of cool, but here's hoping the dead PSP Adam gave me a while back still has a working screen, so I don't have to buy a replacement. I already want to make a purchase for some puzzle books on Amazon, which will be plenty after I just paid my credit card off again.

For the rest of the night, plans are to call and order food of some sort shortly, then try to be in bed for 3. If this wasn't a special night, I might be in bed already, as there are certain things coming up on Monday that I have to be ready for. But that's all I'm going to say for now, because I want to try and give myself a prime reason to write another one of these then.

In fact, I may just wrap this up here. My empty stomach is starting to make itself known, and I'm excited to empty my bag / backpack and have a proper look at everything. Let's go see~

Wednesday, March 7th, 2018

All That Waiting for Nothing

Back on the 2nd of February, I came home from work to find a message from Lynn O'Brien - the manager of the Downtown Chatham Centre - on my answering machine, offering me a job. I went for a meeting / informal interview the next afternoon, everything seemed to go well, but then I was just stuck waiting. I tried calling probably six times total... over the course of a month. I even went up to see her in person once about halfway through, and all she told me is "We haven't done anything yet." "Frustration" is the best word that comes to mind.

Skip ahead one month, five days, and today I wake up to a new message, and a missed call from the mall, which I figured was finally the update I was waiting for, but all I got was "We're not looking to hire anybody right now, and I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you."


You know what though? It's okay. For one, I've already been waiting this long, which makes me question how reliable she would be if I needed to get ahold of her once employed. For two? If she had called me to say they were ready to have me start working, up to three get-togethers planned for later this month would probably not be able to happen, and that would be a huge letdown.

Then, Dad and I were supposed to go out this afternoon, first to Renaissance Personnel, followed by going to practise some driving, but the former's been rescheduled to I'm going to call and book an appointment to go through the introductory steps as soon as possible next week, so I can have one normal afternoon here tomorrow. The driving also went alright, but I'm still nervous for whenever it is in May that I'll be going for my G2.

Beyond that, I'm just really looking forward to the weekend. As far as I know, I have no set plans with other people, and I need the time to relax. I still want to go up to Wendys one of those nights (if I can afford it), and try to work on sorting through my next bin of random stuff, but I would also like to dust off whichever console and play a game that I haven't in a while. Maybe Super Mario Galaxy 2, since the last time I played that, I still had everything set up in my bedroom, and laid in bed. Weird times.

I'm starting to feel in the mood to just sit and stare at the screen for a bit now. I still have the better part of two hours before I have to go to work, at least~

Sunday, March 4th, 2018

Proving I Did Something

It's not nearly the end of the day yet, but past this point I just intend to sit and force myself to relax with whatever. It's not the day I was expecting it to be, as I got completely sucked into a random task mid-afternoon, which took me much longer than expected in the end to complete, but ultimately, I'm glad I did it, and I just hope I can find the same sort of emotional motivation next weekend to tackle the next step.

What I actually did was went through a bin of stuff that had sat largely untouched since I moved in here, and ultimately sorted all of that out, as well as organized all of my paper files and government mailings. Whenever I get there, I want to go to Commercial Copy Center to buy and and attempt to make an envelope for all of my small things from going to visit Dan so many times before.

I threw away a good bit of stuff as well, but nothing of importance, and also found a fair few things - mostly from Jen - that I had forgotten about, which have been filed away in their own special place.

Originally, before all of that, I was planning to just try to chill out (as in a little bit of alcohol) in the afternoon, then walk some way up to Mom and Dad's to drop some DVDs and cookies off to Mom, then up to Wendys for supper, because their promotional burger and baked potato look amazing, then just resume whatever else for the rest of the night, but I couldn't.

Productivity and alcohol didn't mix in my mind for one thing, and dropping movies and cookies off to Mom was rendered moot when I decided I didn't have the money for Wendys this weekend after all, plus, I'm going over there tomorrow to do my laundry one more time, now that Theo's back with Adam and Trish.

I also want to do something proper different with whatever next day off if I am to go get that special supper, but for now, that's going to require reaching out and seeing what's available.

I'm not sure what else to say, but I guess I could divulge that I'm still planning a trip up to 7-11 when I'm done writing this. Some snacks from there will still be nice. Tomorrow marks the beginning of another week of work and not having this time to myself, so I intend to enjoy these few hours while they last~

Friday, February 23rd, 2018

An Update to Before

It almost happened, but then it didn't. And while I don't want to dwell, having to meet face to face changed a lot of the situation.

Did I make the right choice in the end?

Against all of my logic and reasoning toward being done, yes, I did. Emotion won out, and I would have lost alot of good in my life had things gone the other way.

Still, I said what I wanted to and made it clear what my stance was, and while there are some things that I still don't feel quite right about, but if we are to continue as friends, we'll definitely be talking more as we're able.

I would be lying if I said there weren't matters to be settled elsewhere too, but as of now, I'll be able to start on that Saturday, when I go to Mom and Dad's to do my laundry.

For now, it's been a hell of a two weeks, and the plans that I originally had for tomorrow have been postponed 'til Sunday, so I can go lay down as soon as I post this, and just sleep.

It's going to be nice.

Monday, February 19th, 2018

On Unexpected Life Events

I wasn't planning to write one of these so soon at all, but I have the time right now, so I figure why not at least try to say something.

It's been a weird couple of weeks. I don't want to go into details right now, because I'm trying to just accept things for what they are and move on with my own life, but today was a rough time indeed. I woke up to what were some of the nastiest, most personal messages that I've ever received in my life, and from none other than a person who used to mean more to me than anything else. In some aspects, they were warranted, and I'll take it on the chin for not taking no for an answer the first time, but for the rest, I'm still blindsided to the point where I'm not sure if I should actually feel hurt, or just accept this as that it's time to move on.

I went for a ~3 hour long walk earlier to try and clear my head, and came to one conclusion: that I was at least ready to block said other person in Discord. Today may have been the end of us as friends. It's uncomfortable to think about and type that, after how long we've known each other, but I don't see how we could even be in the same room together after everything they said. I'm not trying to say it's all their fault either, as I most definitely share alot of the blame, but in this particular instance, they're the ones who sent the messages.

How to move forward from this? Wake up tomorrow and try to be better. Some sort of cliche advice like that. I'm really not sure yet, but I at least want to find some community to get involved in online.

I also feel like I'm starting to run out of energy for writing, so I'll just leave this here for now and see if looking back tomorrow brings any new thoughts to mind. I've done enough thinking about it for today.

Wednesday, December 20th, 2017

An Open Letter to Steph

A preface: between Saturday, Sunday, and Monday earlier this week, I've been hard at work making cookies for Christmas. Chocolate and butterscotch chip, with chocolate chunks. I have three on the table in front of me as a matter of fact, and they look pretty tempting, but they're still semi-frozen. 3 batches a day, and one more round tomorrow, making ~12 bags of 3 dozen cookies each. I plan to wrap these up like Christmas presents and give them to various people, and originally I was planning to share some with Steph too, because she also bakes, but she's been getting ever more on my nerves and under my skin since she came back from leave, and I feel like tonight was the most abrasive of all.

And I know it's not right to say things like this behind a person's back, but I feel like I need to get it out, you know?

Begin ThingCollapse )

Here's the thing though. When Shawn came in and we were talking at first, he said he would be coming in early Thursday morning to give me my review, and I plan to write down my questions and concerns, and bring those up then.

As for Steph, I plan to just ask / tell (if need be) her to leave me alone the next time we work together, and try to ignore her thereafter. I can at least try to look on the bright side and tell myself that the worst of this stretch must be over now, and I have plenty of other things to take my mind off work in the coming days. Cookies as before, mud pie for Michelle, cheesecake for Tom, and some nice mozzarella-stuffed meatballs for Christmas Day

I still think I want to make a hokey New Year's resolution to either drastically reduce my hours at or leave Taco Bell, and find a new, non-food-related job though. Food Basics ironically comes to mind for starters, and I know for fact that there are other offers to be found, if I just take the time to actually look.

I've been writing for an hour and a half now though, thereby depriving myself of the time I was going to lay and play Mario, so I'm going to be done here.

It is nice to have it out...

Sunday, December 3rd, 2017

Early-Morning Ramble #187

The (prior) dilemma: to go, or not to go for an ~8:30am trip to Food Basics. I wanted to, because they have a 99-cent sale going on right now, but as I sat and worked on my list, the desire faded, and as I sat and continued to slouch further and further down, I concluded that my indecision came from most of the stuff on my list being things that I only want, and not need. There are some other things that I could stand to spend the money on, like more cereal for instance, but I don't need, say, another four packages of crumpets, when I still have the ones I bought the last time they ran the same sale. Perhaps once I've slept, and once I've taken the time to pare my list back, I'll go and look into the things that I actually need.

So that's settled for now, but when I first thought about writing an entry before bed, it was because of two other things on my mind.

First - and definitely more lighthearted, to Jen, Orlando, and Michelle. You all owe me $30 on or before the 14th, because apparently my having to be the responsible one and making our booking for my birthday has left me in charge of the bill. I want to be more exasperated, and maybe even a tiny bit miffed, but I know Jen's got enough on her plate having to deal with Christmas shopping, and Orlando and Michelle haven't given me any of the money they owe in a laughably long time, so I feel it reasonable to assume they're out of the question too.

Where are we going? To Locked In, which is up in the mall, and then maybe possibly to Glitters for supper if everyone can afford it. Of course, my birthday proper is the day before, but as far as I know, Mom's making me a birthday supper of roast chicken with rice, broccoli soup, and some sort of pudding-fulled, chocolate-glazed bundt cake, and that's about all for the evening. I'd hoped to fit in some time for drinking too, but I'm not sure where or how that could happen between the those two days.

That's just the first thing though. The second is an... entirely different beast.


I was going to write about work here (big surprise), but the issue I'm facing is that words alone aren't enough. I could sit here for another two hours trying to describe the night I've just had, but all that would do is make me more frustrated, and I feel like I'm finally starting to mellow out a little bit.

To try and summarize though, I feel like I'm as far as I can go. I have to acknowledge that this won't be the first time I've said such a thing, but it's hard for me to want to indulge Shawn or Steph any further. If the job in the mall I was still waiting to hear about wasn't so tentative (if it happens, it'll be a part-time, temporary position), I would've given my notice tonight, and gone without pay for however long just to alleviate myself of the stress.

But there's something to hold out for, at least for a couple more days. Shawn is supposed to be leaving us a note of some sort the next time he's in, and depending on what that does or doesn't say, I may also want a face to face talk with him. Like always, I guess we'll see what happens.

...and now, although abrupt, it's going to be time for me to lay down. With luck, staying up so late will do something to lessen the fatigue I've been feeling lately. It's been the better part of a week where I lay down at ~8am, and sleep all the way 'til 4 in the afternoon, and am still tired to the point where I'm falling back asleep 4~5 hours later.

I'm planning to put my Christmas tree up in the afternoon. Maybe the colorful lights will make everything better~

Tuesday, September 26th, 2017

About After-Work Activities

I figured it out.

I went on a long walk home from work tonight. 13.5km in roughly two hours (I left at ~2am, and got home at ~4:10), with ankle weights, and with a fairly heavy bag of things. Google Maps link because I don't have the picture saved, and it'd take too long to do that right now.

Points of note:

:: After a while (at about the half-way mark), my arm really started to hurt from the weight of my bag, and I considered switching many times, but I held on all the way through. It's still sore now, but that's to be expected if anything. Also: it may be sore, but the satisfaction of having persevered is worth it

:: Similarly, at about the same point as above, the weight on my left ankle really started digging in for whatever reason, and led to some pretty constant pain. By that point, I was focused just on keeping my pace, and I couldn't even say where my mind was wandering to now, but between the two, it was enough

:: This image (found while looking through my old uploaded pictures here) is cute in retrospect. 6.7km? omg so long how did I even manage? What's interesting though is how I walked twice the distance tonight, but my speed remained the same. I feel like I've gotten faster over time, but maybe I was faster than I thought I was before

:: I did get stopped by one cop. Down on Lacroix, in between Richmond and Park Ave, I was asked a few questions, and continued on my way. The fact of why I got stopped is that I must have looked odd, as I decided to go out with tail and ears. First time in... ~2 years? But it was fun, and I could see doing the same the next time I go for a long walk (ps the next time I plan to go is Saturday after work to get some McDonalds breakfast because I'm working 7 days in a row)

Now we break out of bullet-lists (darn I like those), because I feel the above deserves at least a little expanding on.

At the same time, I don't know that there's a whole lot to say.

I conceived of the idea Friday morning of last week, when I was on my way to Food Basics after already having been to Real Canadian Superstore. My figuring was that long walks are in a sense my chance to go out and have fun doing something that I don't get to do very often, on my own personal time. In the past, one of the reasons I stopped wearing them was because I was out of work at the time, and I thought continuing to go out like that would harm my chances of finding a new job. I don't know.

Anyway, work and other job things aside (that is an entirely different entry that I definitely don't have time for right now), I concluded that long walks were my personal time, and that I could do whatever I wanted to (including wearing ears and tail) for them.

The best part is both Steph and Michelle were entirely unfazed when I stepped out of the back door. Michelle had this big smile on her face, and Steph said "I love Ben", which was at least the third time for the night.

But yeah.

I even wore the brand new ears that I got for free from I can't remember who, because my old ones were beyond repair (unless Canadian Tire sells acetone, and it'll dissolve the superglue but not the headband), and also really quite dirty. I suppose I never properly washed them before, because I was too worried about damaging them to try anything. Oh well.

It just sucks that Shawn - who previously told me very specifically that I would be working both closes and overnights now, so I could continue to get my hours - has me on for an entire schedule's worth of overnights.

...and I could go on...

Do I want a work rant? Sure, why not.

In Which Nothing's Going Right and Everything's a MessCollapse )

I feel like I could still go on, but it's almost 6:30 again...

It may be worth noting that we even went to the beach earlier today. I woke up at 10am, and by noon, Mom, Dad, Jen and I were all out taking in the sun We went in the water for a bit, which was fun, then sat on the beach and collected glass for Mom. Normally we take our own findings home, but my jar is almost full now, and unless I find a big piece, or one in an unusual color, it's just not worth it to have to bring them home and all.

Also, laziness, but Mom didn't seem to mind.

Tomorrow is going to be busy though, so I should probably end this here. I'll be making two cheesecakes for Tom, doing laundry, continuing to download TV show episodes toward getting ready for Christmas, working on DVD menus (I can't remember if I've mentioned those in here before but oh boy don't get me started), having spaghetti and meatballs from Mom and Dad for supper before I get in trouble for letting them go bad, and finally starting on a general tidy-up, because Mom is planning to bring Callie over on Friday so they can spray their house for fleas. Alas, she'll probably just hide out somewhere, but that's alright too.

I'm especially looking forward to laying down after tonight's walk, but that's probably kind of obvious.

I wonder if I'll get that feeling of being in the waves again, like last time?

That would be cool <3

Saturday, September 23rd, 2017

It's Been a Busy [period of time]

I haven't written an entry in a year and three months? That really sucks. I don't even know if this one will pan out. but I feel like the past couple days have been distinctly more interesting for me than normal, and my trying to share with people has not elicited the reaction I was hoping for, so I'm going to document as much of events as I can remember here, for posterity and all that.

You Already Know It's Going to be Long...Collapse )

So that's my long day and a bit. I definitely won't be going out and doing all the same things next week - in fact, if I write another entry anytime soon, I'll probably complain about not having enough for Christmas presents - but as far as everything that's happened, I still had a lot of fun and am quite happy with everything I bought and did. It's also interesting to note how both Walmart and Real Canadian Superstore open at 7. Maybe the next time I need to do some proper shopping out at that end of the city, I can plan to go after work, and try to have some fun with it once again.

For now though, it's after 6, and much as I would like to keep writing, I do need to go to bed. As far as I know, Jen and I still have plans for tomorrow, we're supposed to be having a games night with Adam and Trish later on in the evening, and if possible, I'd like to have a couple more hours to devote to collecting the last of the Korok Seeds in Breath of the Wild.

We'll also see if I'm able to scrounge up another entry sometime soon. Maybe one that's less "Here's what I did in detail", and more "Here's what's been going on lately, and where I'm headed for now".

Oh, and I said I'd include a grocery list, didn't I? Much as I question this idea now that I've made the list, I didn't write everything down for nothing, so let's see:

In Before "You Should Keep Your Receipts"Collapse )

It really should be time for bed now though. Like, really really. The afternoon is still going to be here mighty quick, and unlike before, I don't think my body would be alright with just five hours of sleep.

Until next time, this has been a weird LiveJournal entry. Goodnight.

Saturday, May 28th, 2016

I Work Too Much

That was a fairly productive better part of an hour, and I had every intention of writing this afterward, but now that I'm actually sitting in bed comfortably, I find myself with not quite as much energy as I did before. That said, it's been forever since I wrote an entry in here, and even if it's mostly concerning one particular topic, that's still alright. That being said, the topic this time is work, because apparently I spend almost all of my time there anymore these days, and so I have alot to say about it.

Tonight marked the last of eight closes in a row for me, and as much as it might make sense to think I was tired from the past week, it was actually one of the best nights out of them all, if not the best. I can't count the number of times whatever task I was engaged in caused me to start sweating profusely, but I'm all nice and showered now, and I've already got laundry gathered for tomorrow, and it wouldn't have been the same any other way. I also avoided line for virtually the entire night, helping only to bag a couple orders at the beginning of the night, and that was quite nice too, but overall, most of the satisfaction came from just being able to get alot of stuff done toward helping us get out in good time, and having it pay off in the end. We were out the door at ~3:40, which is one of the quickest closes we've had yet, and, well, for my interest of nothing else, let's have a list of all the stuff I did from 8 - close:

cut for listCollapse )

I feel sorry for Taramya, because Shawn concluded that it would be a good idea to schedule her to work 5 - close tomorrow (5pm 'til 3am, plus time for cleaning up), but her aside, I just wish I could be there to see the state of things tomorrow. It's presumptuous to think that they'll be entirely screwed over, but I can't help seeing things go less smoothly than they did tonight, and I just know that Tom will tell Gabby that we got out in 40 minutes tonight, which I also imagine would make it less nice if they do end up being as busy as it was for us.

As for me? Tomorrow is the day I've been waiting for the better part of the past week for. Technically, there's been nothing to stop me, but I've been avoiding doing laundry and taking the garbage out since I didn't have a day off before now, and I can finally do all of that. Then Jen and I have plans for her to come here for a bit, from where we'll be heading to Glitters for supper, and I'm not sure what else after that.

...and now I have a dilemma...

I want to keep writing, because I don't want to have just written about work, but at the same time, it's 5:40 in the morning, and I'd like to be up for 1pm to start getting going on laundry and such else.

...I suppose it wouldn't hurt to lay down, huh?

The fact that I feel like I'm getting more and more tired now would seem to agree with that...

...I guess it's time for bed~

Wednesday, April 13th, 2016

Time For Another of These

So this entry is kinda significant, and though I'm not sure how to see it through as such, I at least want to make it something that I can post for once, because I've started too many things like this recently just to lose focus partway through and close whatever program without saving.

But this is about positive things anyway.

You could say I'm writing this from a new location.

It's about halfway between Jen's place and work, and mom and dad's house (for less than a month to go at this point) is about halfway between Jen's place and where I am, and where I am is at my own place. For... well, this'll be the third night now.

It's certainly taking some breaking in. I did have some significant developments earlier in the form of getting out a bowl and spoon and opening my milk and cereal in order to have a bowl of cereal for an after-work snack. And I also had a small moment of joy earlier when I bent down at the cupboard under the bathroom sink with a bottle of rubbing alcohol I bought, and found razors. Here I was thinking I'd have to wait until I saw Jen tomorrow to shave!

That said, do you think I have yet?


Why would I do something sensible like that?

It definitely is taking some breaking in though. Other than the aforementioned, I've done practically nothing in the way of putting things away or getting them in order, other than spending ~3 hours here back at the end of March to put away things I had purchased at that point.

There were definitely some emotional bouts to be had getting this far though, mostly just to do with the anxiety of not actually being in the same place as Jen after getting used to that again. I was and still am always wondering about things between us as a whole, but she said that the next few months will probably dictate how things go, and though that could be a worrisome thought in its own right, I try to remind myself that we wouldn't still be the way we are if things weren't good. I hope so, anyway.

Overall though, the worst of anything I've been facing is loss of appetite from stress and anxiety of all the changes, and significant tiredness due to having gotten less sleep than I would've liked the first two nights I was here.

The first day, I had to get up and wait for a technician from Bell to come hook up my phone, and though I intended to have my alarm wake me up at 8, it wasn't loud enough, and I woke up with all of five minutes before there was a knock at the door.

Then, the second day, also known as this morning at this point, I had to get up early and go to work for a "rally" about the promotional item coming in May. I think everybody was expecting some big todo, but all it ended up being was a full-time staff only staff meeting about said item. Excitingly, we all had to make one, with prizes being given away for those which weighed perfectly (6.6oz). We were also told we would get to eat them, so we would know how they tasted, but then I heard somebody else ask Shawn (the GM) if they could leave off the tomatoes, and he told them no. Problem for me is it comes with lettuce in addition to tomatoes, but I went right at it anyway. I marveled at how clumsy some of the newer staff were at dispensing sour cream, and when it came my turn, I just hoped to not be too over-weight. When I reached the other end of line, though, and placed the thing on the scale, I was quite surprised to see the display read "6.6". And that's how I won a "mystery prize", aka. a coupon for a free combo at the KFC up on St. Clair.

Tina also made one that weighed perfectly. I'm really incredibly proud of her, actually. She was always on backups at the old store, and now dishes at the new one, but never on line except for the odd couple orders here and there, then she comes to this meeting, makes a perfect Quesalupa, and wins herself a thermos. Well done, Tina. I hope you enjoy your thermos.

All of that said, I do intend to sleep in tomorrow.

We're all going out to Real Canadian Superstore and probably Walmart later in the afternoon, so there's going to be that, then hanging out with Jen later on, and probably starting the next picture in my connect-the-dots book. I should remind Jen to take a picture of the first one so I can post it here...

I also intend to sleep in, but if I wake up early feeling rested, then I wouldn't mind using the time to put on some music and start going through all the various supplies and whatnot that I've purchased.

It's 4:05 anyway, so I should probably lay down. But then there's that, so maybe I won't just yet.

I should also go out to the fridge and open and smell one of the larger cartons of chocolate milk that's in there. Back on Monday, we went out shopping, and Jen bought me two cartons at Shoppers because they were on sale. When we got back here to drop things off, I did fortunately put the $18 package of boneless chicken I bought in the freezer, but initially thought Jen was going to put the chocolate milk in the fridge, when she only put it down on the floor in front of the fridge, and I didn't think about it until it was too late, so it sat there from ~7:30pm until ~1am.

Jen would cringe, but if it still smells and tastes fine, I'll drink it.


It's probably time to end this though.

Mom gave me her queen size bed, and though it's really nice having a bed this big, it also means I keep non-bed things, such as a bin top that I'm using as a mousepad, or a bottle of water in it, and I need to clear all those things off before I can go to bed.

I'll figure it out eventually.

I'll have to write another update sometime.

For all I know, I may even get back into writing these regularly. That would be cool, but at the same time, I'm not sure.

...as if on cue, I'm starting to get drowsy. I suppose that means it's time...

Tuesday, February 9th, 2016

Three Days and Counting

Interesting news tonight.

Interesting enough that I'm writing in here, apparently.

It's been forever, and there are... reasons (internal sigh), but that's nothing more than writer's block at heart.


The new Taco Bell opens tomorrow! This is a pretty big deal, because I've had no luck finding work since the 5 months that it's been, and I would like to have a steady source of income again. I mean, unemployment is great and all, and I could probably work out a way to live, on my own, making only ~$588 every two weeks, but it's not the same as actually having a steady paycheck and making more than the bare minimum. Also, I just need to be part of that sort of environment again. Under other circumstances, I would be sheepish to admit this, but I actually kinda like (?) the busyness, and rush, and finding your rhythm and working with it.

That said, Taco Bell reopens tomorrow, but my first shift isn't until Friday. I am a little disappointed about not being able to work the first day, but there's little I can do about changing that. On the plus side, not working tomorrow means I'll still be able to go get those special donuts from Maple City Bakery, as well as go look for certain things at Dollarama. I would also like to consider going to said newly reopened Taco Bell for some food, but I would want that to be after Tom starts, which isn't until 4. Perhaps something can be worked out?

I suppose it's kind of cool anyway, because just earlier today, Jen was out, and I was wandering through the kitchen to go to the bathroom, talking to myself about how I hoped to be back in work soon. And, though it may cause certain wide smiles to be cast upon me, I also laid upon this very futon (at that time converted into bed form) while Jen was down in the bathroom for her bedtime smoke, and tried to visualize everything that I used to do for just one order in drive thru. Take the order, pour drinks, give order to customer waiting at window, obtain payment from next customer in line, begin taking next customer at speaker's order while making change for customer at window, turn back to almost-filled pops, cap them off, ask customer if they want a tray, inquire about condiments, go to pick up the order, and repeat all again. And I did that with a certain style, and quickness, all with a smile on my face, and it was fun. But listen to me go on here.

In other what-I-guess-could-be-considered-significant news, I'm looking for an apartment right now. It's finally come time, and I've considered many times how nice it will be to finally be to have all of my things in one place again, and to have a home, and be secure as such. Perhaps too fittingly, I've also been thinking - no, reminiscing - on times past alot lately. Directed moreso to myself, but remember what it was like when your room was just your place, and you had everything you needed in there, and you didn't rely on anybody? Do you remember all the times you walked out to Walmart, or Canadian Tire, or even Zellers when they were still open, because you refused to ask for a ride? Do you remember that feeling of independence? Even better, to put the past and work together, do you remember the endless nights you took long ways home from work as exercise? Yeah, Sobeys isn't open 24 hours anymore, and there's only 7-11 in town now, but I'm itching to get back out there again.

At the same time, so this point does not go unacknowledged, I also would like for things between Jen and I to continue, and to be good and positive, and to one day be able to kiss her goodbye when I'm over before I leave for work, and to have her as that special person in my life again, and her me. Having said that, things between us are... strange? Yeah, let's go with that. They just are what they are, and I would hazard that neither of us knows what the other may be thinking about everything, but at the same time, I feel like they're alright.

...and on that note, is everybody ready for vagueness?

There's a place out at the end of town near Walmart that has many tasty things. Both Jen and I have made numerous comments about wanting to go back there for supper, and I had kinda a thought in mind. There's also another place out that way that Jen wants to go back to. We went there once, and it was kinda weird, but also alright, if that makes sense. What I want to do is, within the month, go to this place, purchase two things for myself. One makes all sorts of merry noises when held against flat surfaces, and especially annoyed Jen when I held it up to the bathroom door at the apartment, and the other, the same type as one of the things that Jen wants to look for. And on top of that, pending a change in situation in the future, I would want to coordinate with Jen to give her money or just make arrangements for when either of two friends comes to town to visit. Thus, my thought was to go to the second place, possibly browse through Real Canadian Superstore and Dollarama if we have time, then go to that first place for a nice supper.

...I wish I was better at talking about this type of stuff. I really do. At the same time, for certain things, it's coming to the point that I find myself really wanting to be able to write about it somewhere. It's all coming into focus slowly, and that paragraph up there will surely be the start, but that's all I've got so far.

...and now, I think I need to go to the bathroom, then sit and ponder where my uniform pants are just in case the ones I get on Friday don't fit properly.

There're off over there. In a bin. I think...

Saturday, September 5th, 2015

So Many Thoughts

Not to repeat the title, but so many thoughts.

Honestly, much as I want to write about recent events, I'm almost tempted to say that what's happened has happened, and to just stop trying to hold onto everything for my mind's benefit. That said, to at least give this a try, for I feel that if I were able to get properly focused, I could do pretty well, current circumstances.

I am sitting on the couch in the living room, at home. I'm feeling slightly hazy-minded, and generally a little unsettled because I wasn't feeling well overall when I woke up today, and my plans for the afternoon are thus: write this, however long it takes, take care of necessary things in Flight Rising, submit a general online job application to Sobeys, clean up the immediate area and the bedroom upstairs, possibly get up to activities requiring of the door to be locked, possibly mow Jen's mom's grass, go out to Giant Tiger for chocolate ice cream, have a shower, and sit to do whatever and await Jen's return home.

She's gone out to a wedding today - Jennah's, to be specific - and though we have plans for apple sauce and tomato soup later, I'm left here to entertain myself until she gets home. The ice cream, provided I buy it, will be for smoothies too, and then there's certain... vegetable-y type stuff, and more Geometry Dash and IT Crowd and whatnot, because we've been quite getting into that lately. I even got the second coin in Time Machine within two tries! But in the meantime, I find myself feeling slightly out-of-place, and generally without that comfortable environment with another person nearby. Dad's out doing something in the dining room, so I guess he's there, but that's different, right?

...I wonder if it's ever really going to hit me, or if I'm still just not able to realize the actual ramifications in my current state of mind. It's Saturday, right? This time last week, we were open for business. Right now, however, drive on by Taco Bell, and you're going to be waiting a good half a year to be served. It's weird to actually think about how I have all these plans through to later tonight on a Saturday. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't nice, in a way, just for the break and relaxation, but something in the back of my mind does know that I should be working, and that past next Thursday, and the possibility of unemployment, I am going to need to find a job if I am to keep earning money. I was previously looking at a really nice position for Real Canadian Superstore. Four shifts a week, at 8.5 hours each, weekends mandatory, from 10pm to 6:30am. Good hours, decent walk to lose some weight, and it's something not directly related to customer service, right? Unhelpfully, the listing expired or was filled before we closed, and I'd wanted to wait until we closed to apply. There's a daytime position for a cashier out there, so should I apply for that, and if I get an interview, specify that I'm also available to work nights? I don't know yet, but one way or the other for now, it's still beyond impossible to believe that the 10 year journey (I was about to type "adventure", but that would only recently be correct) of Taco Bell is over. My first job. The one I hated at the beginning, but came to excel at with time. The one that I took from its rough beginnings and turned into something that some people knew me for. It's a hard thing to process, but I know for sure what I want with a new job is to start with something that isn't entirely comfortable, and with time and effort, become used to it. Jen would appreciate me humorously stating that I should apply out at the fabric store, or maybe One Stop Party Shop, since those would both be interesting experiences.

Nevertheless, work is over with. Perhaps later, if the mood is right, and Jen doesn't mind the thought of a lay and talk, I might like to think back to what things were like when I started there. How I literally got the job at his recommendation to Earl, and our random stop in there on our way out to EB Games. Just the simple lack of familiarity in the entire process, of going in and discussing my first shift, to stepping out and continuing on the way with Josh remarking "So you just got a job! How does it feel?". So much has happened then though. I literally became who I am today in the time I worked at Taco Bell. Meeting Squnq and having him come all the way from Hamilton to take me to London for the furmeet there happened while I was working there, and I remember that because we'd stopped at Arbys within the night, and he asked me something to do with it. I started losing weight when I met Cola, and the opportunity was presented for me to go to London again. I planned a couple furmeets here, and experienced one of the first memorable episodes of completely stopping talking to people. I met Dan once I had a good handle on things at work, and over the course of a couple years, went up to meet him more times than I can count. Then Jen and I met, and even while work was still open, everything that happened for us over the years took its course. We had a lot of good times, but also some bad ones, and things didn't turn out so well. Now they're somewhat back again, which is a topic that confuses me a fair bit, but there's something a little random I should mention first.

I've been thinking about the pant legs and all of that more often than normal lately. Usually it's later at night, and I'm just sitting and doing whatever, and the thought will flash through my mind about how they were whole before she got to them, and as if it wasn't bad enough that she had to cut the zipper off, she also had to cut off a separate piece to be able to cut the pawprint shapes out of. And it really bugs me, because the rational side of my brain knows it should be preferable to use whatever item unconventionally than to discard it outright, but the emotional side still feels a lesser version of the same way it used to. I want to sit and discuss and dissect the problem in all its gory detail, but then I pull myself out of that way of thinking, and ask myself what I can do to move away from the problem in a different way than before. Acknowledge that what happened then still hurts, and though it was the beginning of the end as far as our past relationship goes, I don't want not being able to let go of the past to ruin whatever is going to happen for us in the future. I almost legitimately want to go for a late-night walk with her one night, small shovel in pocket, find an out-of-the-way area underneath a tree or something, and bury them in the ground right there. I made plenty of mistakes of my own before, so it's not right to frequently feel negatively toward her for something long past and long discussed when she's presumably trying to leave the past in the past herself. We already had the discussion about things that will not be touched for craft purposes anyway. It's just so annoying because spending time with her over the past days has been great, and as I remarked to her earlier today, it was almost like the way things used to be. It did come up the other night, though, I suppose. I had wrapped some of her birthday gifts in pawprint wrapping paper, and had brought along a scrap piece of the paper so the pawprints could be cut out and used in either our scrapbook or the ones we each both have one of now. That was in the kitchen, and whilst walking back and forth, I commented that I'd just had a negative thought from the past, which had to do with pawprints. I don't know. I say this to Jen, and to anybody else reading: I still have a hard time getting stuck in and reliving a negative past event by remembering it. The emotions usually don't come back as strong, but they come back nonetheless, and it's the reason my mood can sometimes go from energetic and upbeat to sullen and off with no apparent cause.

The other night, we had a bit of a thing where it was ~7:30 in the morning, and she was suggesting the idea of me going home for the night, because she had to watch Mikey the next morning. I was sitting / laying in her computer chair at the time, just relaxing, and though what she said did not directly hurt me, it still set off that chain reaction. Thoughts about going home versus laying down next to her, and about how I wouldn't mind sleeping on the floor so she could still smoke out the window, but that it wouldn't be my place to say that, and... generally I got into this mildly emotional lump, with no available course of action seeming any more appealing than the others. She clued in at some point and guessed at pretty much exactly what I was feeling, and nothing really happened. I would later find out that she sat there for the entire time feeling worse and worse because she knew I was feeling off, but wasn't saying anything, while I was just sitting there going over the same series of consierations again and again. A comment was made about how she should be able to smoke in her bedroom, and just randomly after that, she relented. She actually insisted that I stay, despite my offering to still go home, and... that was the end of it. The incident did lead to two positives, being to try and say what's on my mind if I do find myself mulling over the same thing constantly, and for two, to actually say so if I want something, because otherwise, she's never going to know, and I'll still want it, and become more and more off that I'm not getting it. Later tonight, for example. I loaned her some money to take to the wedding, because she wouldn't have had any money otherwise. I offered that she could start to pay me back by making me a Swedish Berry shot, because she mentioned them back on her birthday, and we never quite got there.

She really enjoyed her gift hunt on Wednesday night, though unfortunately, the video will never be seen by anybody else, because of an unfortunate detail some minutes in that we overlooked. Thursday - the day we celebrated her birthday - didn't end up going quite as I hoped it would, but it was still fun. I anticipated having money from Orlando and Brandon to work with, but they both had things come up, so both new destinations had to be crossed off the list, and hardly any money was spent, except for supper. We ended up not watching a movie in bed after all, instead, sitting up at the computer for a couple episodes of IT Crowd, which were still fun (the "I'm disabled!" one we watched last night was great), and still had chicken wings about ten minutes before Pizza Tonite closed, but nowhere near the munchy extravaganza I was picturing. I think for both of our sakes we need to stop that though. I enjoyed my virtually limitless supply of Tootsie Rolls, as she noticed from the evidence in the garbage, but snacking just for the sake of being hungry with no control does sadly not work. Going on adventures as we have been doing is quite fun, and for me, I seem to end up washing the dishes about half the time I go on one, but constant eating cannot continue. That said, supper out on Thursday was nice, and though I'm still surprised at passing on a Doughcano, I'm equally surprised at casually ordering an alcoholic drink. It was quite tasty, but gave me a brain freeze, so that was a little obnoxious.

I actually thought quite a bit about what to do with today when we were getting ourselves ready. My first thought was to help Jen's mom get her grass done, but I'm waiting for a bit in hopes that it dries enough to be cut with the electric mower. After that, I knew I should look into job postings some more, and just send my resume to Sobeys, but one of the other recurring thoughts was to go on 7 Cups of Tea and talk to somebody. It's not that things have been going badly in any way, but for everything that's happened with work closing and with nothing left that I once held onto as far as familiarity, I would like to see what somebody else has to say. But I want a complete stranger's opinion. Somebody who doesn't know me, or my life, whom I can tell about it, and see what they think.

But not today.

The premise is interesting, and indeed, for the various details of some things, it would be interesting to have another person's perspective, but that can be an idea for another time. For now, I believe strongly enough that to try and draw meaning from what's been going on is akin to thinking about it too much. At least that's some improvement compared to before.

Now, I'm going to bide my time for a little bit, send Jen a message in Skype, make some toast with margarine and Nutella, and see about cleaning up. Sounds like a good course of action~

Thursday, August 20th, 2015

(no subject)

It's satisfying, but also kind of weird.

For the first time in a couple days, I have done everything there is to be done in Flight Rising, pending looking into the Coliseum, because I've been thinking about that more again lately.

So why haven't I gotten to it? Other priorities, mostly. Everything since about Saturday night after work is just a blur, and if I had to guess why I've been feeling kind of off lately, it's because of that deviation from routine, not having anything concrete to focus on other than work to break up the day, and other general lapses in memory from things that have been going on.

Jen and I have been seeing each other a lot lately. Going back to Saturday, I saw her in the afternoon because she kept going on about lasagna in Skype, and I decided it would be fun to go to Giant Tiger and buy her a frozen lasagna so she could be satisfied. After work the same night - I got done early - we talked for a bit more online, and I ended up going over there to have supper with her. Lasagna and garlic bread, which was really quite tasty, especially when she showed me her idea to make a sandwich, which was even better. We saw each other again on Sunday, for just a general hangout night, but when we finally started noticing the time, it was after 6am, and she deliberated for a bit before pretty much saying what the hell to me staying the night. We obviously saw each other on Monday, because I was still there in the morning, and I think after work that night, I just stayed here and did whatever, though there's a very good possibility we hung out for a bit longer.

Noticing a trend yet?

just for length this timeCollapse )

So in other news, thirteen days and counting. The new schedule was up at work last night, and shows that September 1st is the last day we'll be open, and also the day on which cleaning the place out will begin. Unfortunately, I have the day off, despite my request to work it, but when I looked at the schedule more closely, I came to wonder if I may not prefer things just the way they are. Monday is the last day that we'll be open and serving customers, and my last scheduled shift is Sunday. Orlando also closes on Sunday, but not on Monday. So do I want my last shift to be with Orlando, or do I want to ask Tom about switching shifts with him earlier in the week, and closing with Sara on Monday, so I can truly have the experience of telling that last person "Have a good night!" and closing the drive thru window for once and for all. It's a dilemma, but more than anything, with just less than two weeks to go, now is when I need to start looking for a new job. Because despite shock from nearly everybody who I've told or who has heard that I'm not returning to Taco Bell, I'm not. It's a fine job, but I want something new. I want to look back in another ten years and see myself having started out knowing barely anything, to just being that guy who people come to for answers, and who has that comfortable handle on the job. I keep thinking about Giant Tiger, very possibly because I've been shopping there alot lately...



I'm just going to end this here, because I've gotten sidetracked looking at job listings online, and talking to Jen... This one for Real Canadian Superstore looks decent, anyway...

Friday, August 14th, 2015

The Current State of Things

There's something almost unpleasant about coming downstairs and seeing unfinished reminders of the night before. In today's case, it's a couple bits of garbage from Tim Hortons, my work bag still sitting on the chair over there instead of being upstairs, and all of my things being pushed to one side of the couch, when I decided that what I really wanted to do was to lay down, and ended up passing out right there until sometime around 5 in the morning.

I had started to write, be it to be posted as an entry in here, or to show Jen just on her own, or to find somewhere else to put it and send her a link to about recent events. And since I still have it written out, I'm going to just include it in here, and see what my mind in a more properly functioning state of mind makes of it. First, though, some background information about the past few days.

On Wednesday night after work, I came home, feeling pretty tired and worn out, and was figuring on just talking to Jen for a bit in Skype before calling it a night, and going to lay down. She ended up more or less inviting me over, saying that the invitation was there, but it was up to me. Her vision of the night was for us to hang out for a bit, have something to eat, and for me to head back home after that. I liked the idea of hanging out, but I was pretty full, and pretty tired, so I wasn't much up for the idea of doing anything, and even declined at first, but the more I sat there, and the more I thought about how I didn't have to eat anything, and really could just sit there and enjoy her company if that's all I wanted to do, then that's all I had to do, and if I found myself getting too tired to keep my eyes awake, I could say so, and we could call it a night then and there. So I went over. I grabbed the doodles that I've been working on, and a margarine tub for of cookies to have as nibbly things, and off I went.

What, normally, would have been a couple hours hanging out turned into the rest of the night, and pretty well all of the next day, right up until ~9pm, and that's where what I was writing last night comes in. It's unfinished, and I'm not about to go through and change all approximate time references, so just keep in mind that when I say "last night" and such, it refers to Wednesday night, after work:

about a first-time experience for meCollapse )

Looking back at things since Friday night, we've been talking alot. For a little bit every morning, then more once she's gotten Conner up for the day, and sometimes even after work, if we're both awake. It's been exciting and fun and our conversations have generally been pretty fast-paced, but last night was the first night that didn't happen. We chatted for a bit, and I told her about things I would eventually like to be able to do together, and we both talked about how we were feeling, but the same spark just wasn't there. As I already wrote yesterday, I started writing, at the same time as I was listening to music, then I found myself just really wanting to lay down, so I did, and passed out pretty well until Adam woke me up coming down the stairs to get ready for work. Went upstairs after that, and laid down properly, which pretty well brings us up to now.

How do I let go of the vague notion of us getting back together? How do I not take very hesitant thoughts she reveals and latch onto them, even if I'm not meaning to? How do I be strong enough in myself to tell her "You would make me the happiest person in the world", and still be okay with us just being friends? How do I once again set my feelings for her aside, and fully recognize and appreciate that she still wants to be strong for herself first, and to try to not - again, not deliberately - see the tiniest crack in her aura of independence and wiggle my own feelings in there?

To be blunt, I hope, and I would be overjoyed if the day came where Jen and I were more than friends again. I would be absolutely freaking ecstatic, and I would cry tears of pure joy, and I'd probably end up staying awake for at least a day and a half riding that high, but... it can't be. It can't be, it can't be, it can't be. Even if, to her mind, it could be, I need to tell myself that it can't be, because thinking anything else is unfair to either one, or both of us.

Toward the idea I described in the LJ-cut above about wanting to one day find that other person whom I love, and who loves me, to just lay out and relax like that and snuggle with, yeah, I absolutely want for that to happen. I get quite giddy at the thought, because it sounds so beyond perfect that I don't even know the words to describe it.

But that shouldn't be all I want in a relationship, and it's not. Being able to lay out like that and hold the other person close is to share something incredibly personal, just like it was for say, the first time Jen and I were doing things, and I blew up a balloon. I do want to share it, but because that idea is still so new and fresh in my head, it's hard to just let go of.

I do want to lay out like that again. I want to just get comfortable and for the only thing that matters within that moment to be feeling comfortable, but though it may be hard, I need to accept that for now, that's something that will happen on my own. I'm glad to know that our hanging out can continue, just as I'm glad to know that, on Tuesday, I can bring one of my unused clear storage containers over, to keep a pair of comfy pants to always have there in, as well as chocolate and other snacky things for when the mood strikes, but... the desire for more is still there. While it's been surprisingly easy to go back to occasionally giving her a hug, and then always telling her "Bye bye for now", I still feel like I'm forgetting to say one thing, and do one other thing at the same time. Force of habit is a hard thing to break, I guess.

I could sit here and be all slightly wistful for the rest of the afternoon though.

What needs to happen for today is...

I need to accept that this is where I am in life right now. That I have wants, and maybe even Jen has wants, but this is where we are, and trying to hope for or encourage anything else to happen is going to aggravate what was previously a decently pleasant situation.

I need to get on with my day, obviously via Flight Rising, and watching things on Youtube.

I need to consider if I want to take care of errands this afternoon before work or wait until Monday and Tuesday afternoon.

And most importantly, I need to just feel alright. If I'm not in the mood to talk when Jen wakes up and messages me in Skype, then I don't need to, but knowing her, she's going to read this, and we'll end up talking anyway, because we're still just like that, and seriously, for as long as we're even just friends, I want to be like that, where we still talk about what's important to the other person.




Wednesday, August 12th, 2015

A Fun Sort of Entry~

...so I'm having this problem... One I thought I would never have, especially in light of recent developments...

I want to write. There are a fair few things I want to write about, however...

The main one, and thereby also the one I want to start with is something that I categorically cannot write about. Suffice it to say, though, this summer - from late May to the end of September, as I've been saying - has had one additional unexpected personal change for me. Something that I never would have seen happening in a million years, even during the two months when Jen and I couldn't talk, but it's largely on account of the same thing that we were able to have the talk we did that gave us firm, sturdy ground on which to have a fresh start, and a new beginning. A new beginning as friends, just to say it, but I feel like it's exactly what we both needed, and still need. To be able to leave the past in the past, and go back to those memories only as the intermingling of our current lives demands.

So that's a thing, but what about the others?

Yesterday was a particularly good day. From shortly after I woke up until laying down in bed to falling asleep again, it was a productive, enjoyable, and interesting day, for the following reasons:

a. Mowing Jen's mom's grass to help her out, in record time. An hour and a half compared to Jen's two, and to her mom's 4-6
b. Hanging out with Jen in an impromptu fashion, to enjoy a certain time-based event, all the way up until I had to leave for work
c. Going to work feeling different (mostly better than normal) to work my first shift with Orlando since his vacation
d. Telling him about specific things of interest that happened while he was away
e. Doodling again when I went out on break - it's become quite fun to show Jen what I happen to sketch on a given night
f. Getting to close with somebody other than Michelle. She's a fine worker when she has a proper staff, but on nights, her slowness is pretty evident. Thus, despite still having plenty of dishes to wash, I -enjoyed- them for closing with Orlando instead of her
g. Talking to Orlando more on the way home about things, from Sunday the 2nd right up until the night we were on our way home from
h. Chatting with Jen in Skype for at least three hours. We were both extremely hungry, and may have been teasing each other with various food suggestions that wouldn't be available because of the time
i. Slept for a very relaxing, long-awaited, but still short five hours

...and today, past work on Flight Rising and waiting while Jen went out to run errands with her mom has also been entirely spent hanging out, even though that wasn't the plan. For today, it was because Will was in town, and I wanted to see him again too, but otherwise, our agreement was that we'd see each other only once every two weeks, and have the rest of the time to work on ourselves and take care of our own individual things. I brought that up last night, and she just commented "That's just how friends work. Nothing has to be set in stone, just agreed on", so that's cool. To know that we could randomly just be chatting one afternoon when I have to start at 5, and she could make the same offer she did before, which was that I could just come hang out for 20 minutes if I wanted. That afternoon, I got up and started to get myself ready not five seconds after she made the offer, so I still don't think I need any convincing.

But now there's an obnoxious thing, being that I'm getting more and more tired. I don't know if I am legitimately tired or something else, but it's not even 2 in the morning, and I'm considering just going to sleep... I know it would be really nice and feel really good to lay down though, so I'm tempted... Maybe five hours of sleep wasn't quite enough, even though I woke up at 10 feeling quite certain that I was ready to start the day...

...I suppose I just will, because otherwise, the rest of the night is going to be me just sitting, staring blankly at my laptop as I just did for a good five minutes solid, and possibly having Jen message me again if and when she's back at her computer. First, though, a link to a video she showed me the other day that I've come to really like: Storm, by Tim Minchin. There's an animated short too, found here, but for myself, I think I prefer the live version, because he's much more emotive and into it there.

Having said that, though, I am off to lay down. Why must bed seem so far away...

Saturday, August 8th, 2015

I Did a Thing

I feel so interesting right now.

For the fact that the reason why I feel interesting happened several hours ago, I feel like the sensation largely should have passed, but it's kind of a giddiness, in a way. Of something new, and different, but I don't want to say what it is in here, because there's only one other person period who knows what I'm referring to, so I'll shut up on that topic now.

It's still been an interesting night. And an interesting afternoon.

interesting in an ultimately positive way, for whatever it's worthCollapse )

I look back on what I've written of this entry a couple hours later, and I still want to post it, but I'm not sure where I was going before, or how to come to a conclusion.

When I left Jen's place tonight, I figured she would be heading to bed after talking with Audra, and that we'd have to wait until tomorrow to talk again, at earliest. To my surprise, I received a message from her at ~1am, and we talked, almost all the way up until 4. We talked about the night in general, and there was alot of giddiness present for what happened for me, and for her, and for both of us, and we were more positive than we've ever been since we met up on Sunday. I even told her that, talking to her in that moment, I felt better about things than ever before, from Sunday until now, and she had the same, which is just... so amazing that I don't even know how to say it. I know I'm supposed to worry about myself first, and I know I should leave her be with her own things, but to go from crying and being emotional because we thought we were going to lose each other as friends to our friendship starting down a whole different, much stronger path because of the events of the night is not something I expected, and for her to say that she was feeling better than she ever had been before herself almost made me cry with happiness.

By all rights, she should be upset with me for deciding I'd just invite myself over to give her a hug, but she was also agreeing that she liked the way the night ended up. The night ended up the way it did because of what we did together, which is the difficult part, because I want to be able to say, especially because putting it that way could cause one's mind to wander, and I'm overjoyed that she's happier to have unexpectedly hung out for a bit today.

I am repeating myself now though, so I should just post this. To LJ-cut or not to LJ-cut? I suppose I will this time, since I didn't previously. Now where would be a good place to put it?

Thursday, August 6th, 2015

...stress and such...

When I woke up this morning, the day in my head was laid out roughly as follows:

~ Properly work on Flight Rising for the first time in a couple days
~ Get a call from Jen when she was heading out with her mom
~ Go out to do my own running around
~ Back at home, wait to hear from Jen again, to say she was at home and ready for me to come over
~ Go over there to enjoy as normal a night as possible of weirdo things

It's currently quarter to 7 in the evening, and I can cross the first one off my list. The others? Things... have taken some unfortunate turns.

For one, when Jen woke up, she said she wasn't feeling that great. The stress and related factors across everything since Sunday were really starting to get to her, and I, sending where the conversation was going, commented that I was starting to worry that we wouldn't be able to hang out.

Enter stressor #1. An email from a worker of hers, saying to give her a call between 3 and 7pm, about the half door to Conner's room, and board blocking his door. Neither of us liked the sound of that, and sure enough, when 3:00 came and she was able to make the call, it was pretty much what we'd feared. At the time, they weren't sure about the board in his window, but were demanding that the sliding lock on his half door be removed.

Enter stressor #2. Both of us getting all kinds of worked up and upset and pissed off over that. Anybody else might ask me why I was getting so emotionally involved, and the best answer I can give is that that's how much I care about her. I care about her so much that when something bad or unfortunate happens in her life, it hurts me, too. I've used swears in these entries recently, but infrequently, mostly for emphasis, however, a cursory check of our chat history from that part of the conversation will reveal quite a few "fuck"s and similar on my part. I was not pleased, and when she asked what she'd done to deserve it, stating that she's always tried to do the right thing in every situation, I felt so absolutely, overwhelmingly powerless that I thought I was going to freak out.

Enter stressor #3. Another call, possibly from the same worker. They'd come to a decision about the board in his window, which was that it should be removed. Helpfully, said worker will be bringing her alarms to install tomorrow, and also offered that, since Jen had been so cooperative, more drastic measures wouldn't be taken. Cue both of us getting upset again, with me experiencing the same powerlessness and feeling of wanting to help but not being able to do anything as before. I continued on with my tirade though, which evidently didn't help.

Enter stressor #4. Me, presumably. Whilst I was still being all kinds of upset, she had apparently found some way to shove her emotions to the side, and do what needed to be done. I thought she had gone downstairs to take care of things right at that moment, so I continued typing away, then received a "Listen", and "I really need to get this shit done" from her.

I just...

I feel like inside of a couple hours, I've completely jeopardized our entire friendship. I've proven myself too emotionally attached to let Jen ultimately deal with her problems on her own, just as I have proven myself too emotionally unstable to no longer be able to assess a situation in a level, controlled fashion. I think back to how the conversation would have gone when we were friends before, and I sure wouldn't have been happy about it, but instead of flying off the handle right alongside her, I'd have tried to keep a level head, and tried to emphasize that even if it wasn't desirable that she have to have alarms instead of locking Conner in his room at night, there was nothing much to be done other than run a risk that neither of us want to see happen, and... here's my problem. Or rather there it is right there...

All of this "us" and "we" stuff. I still care about her very deeply. I still care about her so deeply that I genuinely still love her. Be that as it may, though, I need to look at things as they are, in a very practical way, and realize the only way I'm going to be happy, and she's going to be happy, is take a step back, accept that we're just friends, and most importantly accept that though I still care about her, I have to leave her life to her. It wouldn't be the same if she didn't talk to me about her life, just like I still want to talk to her about mine - to date, she's the only one who has seen pictures of my packaged-up bunny - but being so invested to the point where it's like we are still together is something I can't do. I want to be a part of her life. I want to be able to continue to do things to surprise her like back on Tuesday night when I went to Giant Tiger for a box of cat litter that I left on her back porch, and I want to have a day where we can hang out and still do the weirdo and crafty things we were originally planning tonight, but I need to be okay with leaving her alone in the meantime. Just because we can see and talk to each other again doesn't mean my every waking moment should revolve around her. She may well have a major change in her lifestyle coming up, with the new possibility of being awoken by an alarm at night, and she has everything related to going through her belongings and packing stuff up for the sake of getting sprayed again for bedbugs, and Conner going back to school next month, and probably plenty of other stuff, and if there's one thing that belies, it's that I can't go on with expecting that because my days still revolve around her, hers still revolve around me.

But I'm losing my focus now...

I just regret everything about today. I still want to find something productive to do with it, for myself, but even though it's only now 10 after 7, I want to lay down, and sleep and sleep and sleep. I sent her some messages in Skype that were largely a result of talking to Naomi and Dad, and added that I'd still be here on and off throughout the night if she wanted to talk, but after the day she's had, I would not be at all surprised if she just wants to give up and turn in early too.

It just still enrages me so much to think about that decision she has to just accept and deal with or else. If she had to take the lock off his door today, but won't be receiving alarms until tomorrow, what is she supposed to do? Stay up all night to keep an eye on him? I mean... Will somebody please tell me how, even as a friend, *I* am supposed to just be able to say "Oh I'm sorry to hear that good luck with everything"? I care about her, and I worry that as a result of things that have to change, her lifestyle will change in return. I am absolutely not concerned with how that will affect me, but how it's going to affect her, because... I just don't know.

I think the best I can do for now is just try to distract myself, which might as well begin with going downstairs to see what everybody else is having for supper. I honestly don't want to, but I know it needs to happen...

Monday, August 3rd, 2015

This is the First Day...

I'd actually not planned on writing in here today. After spending yesterday with Jen, and the way things ended, I wanted nothing more than to lay down in bed, cry myself to sleep, and not wake up until late in the afternoon.

The day did go extremely well overall, and it was honestly beyond incredibly great to be able to see her and talk to her and touch her and interact with her again, but just... I let her go. I wrote that friends-only entry where I let her go. I stood by that and felt better for it from the entire time between when I posted the thing and yesterday, when we saw each other.

But to actually see her again. And to touch her. And to hug her and get emotional together. And to lay in bed while she read through the memory book I gave her, brushing my fingers through her hair lightly, and laying right in against her, almost as if snuggling just threw ALL the letting her go out the window. At one point, when we were both emotional about something or another I'd written in the book, she was laying face-down on my leg, and I had my face down on her head, and I just told her "I want to do this, because it feels right, so I'm going to just do it", and I kissed the top of her head.

When we were standing out on the porch so she could have a cigarette while it was raining, we were talking about fabric, and some of the uncomfortable things I want to have a proper talk about eventually, and she took my hands, and we looked each other in the eyes really intently, and she said something, very quietly. I swear, I thought I heard her say "I love you", and I felt a sudden, brief spike of overwhelming joy as she smiled and nodded her head silently, but I asked her to repeat herself just because I wasn't sure what she'd said, and it turns out her actual words were "I'm proud of you". Which is still incredibly meaningful, but quite different than what I thought I heard.

When it was almost time for me to leave, she was giving Conner a bum change, and I was telling her about how I truly, 100% felt like the one thing I wanted out of life was to be with somebody who made me happy and who I could make happy, and she responded, asking if I remembered what the one thing she told me before that she's always wanted was. I hesitated for a moment, trying to remember, and just as I was starting to speak, she said "Love".


I lost it. In that instant, my mind flashed to the two and a half years we spent together, and wondered what they all amounted to for her. I started crying on the spot, and she got incredibly concerned, pausing mid-bum change getting worked up herself, telling me she hadn't meant it like that. I attempted to calm myself down, and told her I knew she hadn't meant it in that way, but to be completely honest, for her to have said that still hurts, really really bad. I loved you for the entire two and a half years we were together, Jen. I know it may not have seemed like it with all the problems we had because of how I am, but I did, and the part that really sucks, looking forward to the future, is that I still do. Looking back to last night, I wish I hadn't outright told her that I understood she didn't mean it that way, because it makes eventually having to tell her that I am quite bothered even more difficult, but... no.


I refuse to hide my true feelings from her, or anybody else. I still want an apology from her for smoking around my things, because that's a topic that started to come up last night, but was never really fully addressed. It sucks in the context of both of us wanting love to have told her that I know she didn't mean it that way, and to have every intention to tell her the next time we talk that those few words hurt me quite deeply, but I need to be true to myself before anybody else. I'm actually kind of let down that for all I did for her yesterday - the literal almost two months worth of stuff I've been working on to surprise her with and to show her how much she means to me, even just as a friend - she had nothing in return. I was proven correct on two out of my three assumptions about things she'd have changed about herself - she lost weight, and had her hair cut - but just... it brings me back to all the things we talked about when we were a couple before too. In the past, we talked once about her wanting to get her hair cut, and I told her in some way that I would like the part that she had cut off, because I'm weird like that. Such as it is, she has that part in a bag somewhere set aside for donation, and I completely understand and am okay with that. But then another such topic is a camo backpack she had that she was using for her own personal things, that became pretty worn out, which she wanted to replace. She offered it to me, being camo and all, and I accepted. Where did I see it yesterday? Sitting in a corner in the kitchen, presumably with the intent to be kept by herself. In all honesty, it's just a backpack, and if she wants to keep it, that's just as well, because all I would do is put it in storage and keep it as a strong memory of her, but it's just something else that's changed, and instead of not wanting to rock the boat, so to speak, I'm going to start by writing about such things in here, and see where that goes.

Her plans for today are uncertain in such a way that she couldn't say for sure whether or not we'd be able to hang out. She plans to go out to get groceries, and to do all this usual running around, and just hearing her talk about everything, it felt so very... wrong to feel excluded, when grocery shopping and any other errands were generally always things we went out to do before. I do fully understand why I can't go with them, but say, for example, that last night over supper, she told me about how Walmart has camo notebooks in various colors for $1, that she was sure I would like. In the past, me wanting to go out to Walmart to get those would just necessitate a bit of extra driving. And now, it's like the idea of even going to the fabric store and other places where I want significant personal change-related events to happen are largely out of the question, until she herself feels that she actually has the time for it.

I can't do this. I can't continue to have my life revolve around her, but as I was trying to express, through tears, when it was getting close to time for me to leave last night, without somebody there for my life to revolve around, I feel like it has no meaning. She reasonably offered the advice that my life should revolve around me, but it doesn't. Unless I have things to do, or plans for the day, I just sit here, without purpose. In a different way, I just want to be done. I want things to be like they were before again, be it with Jen or somebody else, where I can come home after a long day or night at work, and see that other person who means the world to me, and for just that simple event to brighten my day. I want to feel genuinely wanted and needed again, not in the sense of doing things here like cutting the grass and washing dishes once a week, because those are obligations, but like just existing in somebody else's like makes a positive difference to them, and makes them happier as well.

I want to feel happy again, and for the first time in two months, I felt happy yesterday. To see Jen, and surprise her with being a cat mechanic. To wheel the incredibly heavy wagon of stuff over - 72 bottles of pop, among other things - and to give her a big hug, and to start getting emotional when we hadn't even been physically together again for more than ten minutes...

To go out to Glitters for supper, and slowly but surely give her everything that I'd been working on...

For her to open the wood box that I hand-painted, and open the memory book inside, and start to tear up, reading the final entry at my recommendation. Yes, we were getting emotional in Glitters. She didn't want to smudge her make-up, but I think just accepted that past a point, and for me, I just didn't care. The young, beautiful woman sitting on the other side of the table was the most important thing in the room - in the city - in the country - hell, the entire WORLD - and her being there made any other concerns that I ever could have had just vanish away.

The way we actually walked back to her place, through the wind and lightning, then went upstairs, where we got to more things. She read the rest of the entries in the little book, and we both got plenty emotional. At one point, she sat up and motioned for me to sit up too, so we could give each other a hug, and just... that. To hug her, and be hugged in return, and to feel her place her hand gently on my back... I could literally feel the anxiety and panic of two months being separated, and panic and anxiety over everything else just melting away.

But that can't happen.

To be quite blunt, it fucks with me way too much. To touch her and hold her and be physically close to her - lovingly, I want to add - is just too much. It's exactly what I want to happen, because of how much better I feel, but for the consequences, it's exactly what can't happen. And I'm truly terrified to be writing this, because it's the truth, and I don't want to hide it because of that, but I know now that she'll read this entry eventually, and when she gets to this part, she'll be that much more reluctant to allow or engage in such physical contact, for knowing how it affects me. Without physical contact though, I feel like a walking bundle of nerves, that almost hurts physically slightly because of it.

And I just want to go upstairs to what I might as well start calling my room, since I've been sleeping there for two months, and just cry. I want to cry and cry and cry, for so long that hours pass, and somehow convince myself that I'm better off not just letting her go as more than a friend, but as a friend too, because of how I feel I'm never going to be able to get over the way I feel. She is worth more to me than that, just for the record, but there are times when I wonder if it wouldn't be easier in the long run.

I had a dream last night that I can't remember much of now, but I do know it involved me being at her house again, when we were just about to say our goodbyes, and her telling me that I should give her a goodbye kiss. And I had another dream where I was sitting in front of her computer again, singing along with a song, because that's something I did for her last night. She'd danced around in the kitchen while I watched, and was really self-conscious, and, I have to assume, a little embarrassed at first, but I think she did really good, and had some pretty sexy moves. I told her I wanted to try dancing with her too, eventually, because it is the sort of thing that I'd be kind of upset if we couldn't actually do, but for just that night, we figured out something different. I like to sing, so long as I know the song. Typically, however, I don't sing very loudly, because it's something I'm self-conscious about for myself. But later, after other things were done, and we were just about at the end of the night, I sat there in front of her computer, looked up To Where You Are and Verita by Josh Groban on Youtube, and sung along to both. She said she liked hearing me sing, and that she liked my voice, but for the fact that it's the first time in my life I've intentionally done that in front of another person, I'd like to hear more. Did I sound good? Was it at all different than what you were expecting? What was it like to just hear me sing, when that's something I've never done specifically for you to hear before?

It's hard. I feel like up until yesterday, my life had a purpose. It was to work on things for Jen and her mom, and start trying to figure myself out. I had a countdown in my planner going from the beginning of July, since that's where it started, to August 2nd, of days until we could see each other again. What can I count down to next? Her birthday? If I did that, it'd be looking ahead to another significant event that just revolves around her, when things won't even be the same this year either. Her first birthday in two years which we won't be together for. I'm sorry, Jen. Happy 25th when you get there, and I hope you and Audra have fun doing whatever you do if you end up going to stay with her for a bit, but I fucking can't. I want to do something special for your birthday still, like taking you out to dinner and a movie, as we were already discussing, but I absolutely hate the way it feels to know that I would have to arrange those plans around whatever else you want and plan to do, instead of you wanting to go along with whatever I have planned first, and to only be together for a little bit, instead of the entire day, like before. It's better than not being able to do anything at all, yes, but for right now, I can't get past that feeling. I want to be the most important person - right after Conner, obviously - in your life again, because you sure as hell are in mine, but I know that to even still feel that way is causing me significant personal pain and difficulty, and I just can't.

One of the things we mentioned needing to eventually talk about a couple times yesterday was setting up boundaries for the future. Figuring out and actually writing down on paper what we both are and are not comfortable with. The biggest thing for me right away is everything related to fabric and crafts, when it comes to using an actual article of clothing. Just... for the idea of imagining her still doing whatever she wants without regard for how I feel, so long as I don't see, I just want to walk away from her and say I'm done, and to be completely done. I can't do it, and the only two concessions I honestly want to ask her for are that when it comes to crafts, she not use any camo or rainbow clothing, or anything camo or rainbow not intended to be used for such purposes, and if she was intending to use some other article of clothing, like an old shirt, for example, she allow me to be there for the first several times of her turning it into a piece of fabric, and even do some of the cutting myself, so I could get used to the feeling. If she could promise me that, then no matter what else happened, I could find some way to be comfortable with it, but I just can't be okay with a repeat of the pant leg issue, or her hiding things because she doesn't want to hurt me. I truly am so done with everything else related to crafts, and just want to discuss it and figure out when we can go to the fabric store and whatnot, but that will come eventually, and I already know the more pushy I get about it, the less likely she'll be to want to go at all.

Last night on the porch, when we were talking about fabric, she told me once again about how she justified cutting the zipper off the pant leg, and though I know and am supposed to accept and understand that as her thought process toward it / them, I started feeling really defensive, because I want her to know and understand mine too. I want to get this feeling out of my head that she still thinks she's right and I'm wrong, and to replace it with one that says my own opinion isn't invalidated just because it differs from the norm, and that we both understand how each other feels about what happened, and though we have a difference of opinion on the matter, we're on the same page as far as understanding how we feel. I'm beyond drained and just so tired and done with feeling wrong because my opinion on some topic is completely the opposite of somebody else who really matters to me.

...if we do end up seeing each other today, I wonder if I'll have even eaten anything beforehand. Neither of us did yesterday, right up until we went out for supper, and even then, we were still so affected by general anxiety and nerves - even though things were going well - that we didn't have have much of an appetite.

When we talked on the phone for the first time yesterday, I asked what she thought about me writing a couple times about liking of the idea of moving to 74 King. I had to remind her, because she couldn't remember what I was talking about, so I used the same words I did the first time about how she'd probably roll her eyes and question my motives. Know what happened? She said that's exactly what she did, and while I can laugh that particular part off, since I did expect it, I feel kind of hurt at the same time. It was a difficult thing for me to open up and write about initially, because typically, I like to be certain about major life events before actually saying something about them happening, but toward the idea of moving, and toward the idea of moving to that apartment building in particular, I was hoping for it to be something to hesitantly bring up and tell her about, since she did move in there once before. I don't know that she'd be able to offer any more advice than any other random person, but I'd wanted to talk about it with her. I'd wanted to talk about wanting to get a place of my own within the next year, if possible, and how I'm incredibly nervous, and all the ways I feel about it.

But there's still so much to talk about. We barely scratched the surface yesterday, and there's two and a half years of stuff to talk about. We only have the rest of our lives, but will I be able to wait that long? Will she be able to wait that long?

She has her own life now. One where, to just be blunt and put it this way, I am not her primary focus right after Conner. I need to find a way to be the same, but just...

I want things to be the way they were before again.

I want to be happy, and to have that significant somebody in my life to make happy.

But I'm chasing dreams right now.

...what is the nature of my life, and how have I come to be on this path?

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