October 20th, 2010

Sure Doesn't Take Long

First instance of taking a break, I think. I just closed Pidgin and tidied up my desktop at the same time, and now I should be on my way out to 7-11, but as soon as I finished with my emails and started thinking about getting ready, I lost all interest to. It almost feels like I have something to be unhappy about, but I can't think of anything. In fact, the only item I'm uncomfortable with at the moment is discussing the details of my next story with Feathertail, but that's only because he's the only other writer I know of right now. I value his thoughts and everything, but quite honestly, I just want to be done with him. I am though, for at least a day or two. The next step with this story is to work out a complete list of what I would have happen from beginning to end, and send it to the new author for them to look over, along with the same for Feathertail, but I don't want to right now. I want to write this, so I can work myself back up into a state of wanting to go out for snacks again, and then just take a night off where I don't do anything but eat and watch Home Improvement, because I've been working my way through those again recently. But just... yeah. I feel what was previously referred to as "blah" again. Not bad, but not good, which isn't good, because then I'm much more likely to think about the bad things, and that's never a good way to go.

Such as I wish I could ask him to forgive me again (he already has, once). I wish I could ask him to say "I understand, and I'm not holding it against you", but do you know why that wouldn't work? I'd feel better for as long as my good mood lasted, and as soon as it started slipping again, I would once again be seeking his understanding. And I won't do that, for obvious reasons, but as this is only day two of trying to change, I don't know what else to do. I can feel the same thoughts that I was having before (as in back on the weekend) slipping in again though, and they're somewhat comforting - somewhat familiar, but at the same time I periodically remind myself "These aren't good thoughts to be thinking". Although maybe it's better that I "allow them in". Pushing them aside is only going to delay the inevitable and make the next occurrence worse, but... yeah. That's how my night is going now. I think I might not go out anyways. There are brownies downstairs, and I still have exactly six of my cookies left and pop as well, plus I can always stop at 7-11 on the way home from work tomorrow if I feel like it then, but for tonight, maybe not. I still have things to do, and failing those, things to watch, so we'll see shortly. I still have plenty to do here that doesn't involve the internet. But going back to the above again for a moment, I see the mistake I'm making. I'm still assuming he, if not other people know exactly why the story referenced earlier frightened me. And from there, I'm assuming that in his case alone he doesn't seem to be very interested in my proposal for his assistance with my next story. Who am I to assume that though? Who am I to assume that because I don't feel the same after finishing reading the message as I did starting it that he intended for it to have that effect? How long will this keep up? Seriously, I should learn to be happy with the fact that we're still talking after that whole mess at all. If he seems to be somewhat more reserved, then maybe he actually is, but it is completely, utterly, 100% impossible for things to be like they were before. It just can't happen, but I haven't yet re-conditioned my mind to think that way.

I still don't want to go out to 7-11 though, so I'm off to get a couple brownies from the kitchen. Maybe after that I can have my plot-list mostly done by bedtime~

Up and Down and Up and Down

Yeah. Here we are again, back to having woken up three or four times since 1, and went back to sleep because of how I felt and the one lingering thought from yesterday that still bothers me. I outlined what happens in that story yes? And I described the way Lawrence is brought into the story, and what he's doing, but the thing is, just before he does it, only to be interrupted and whatnot, he's written as saying "I'm sorry, God", and that's just... what? Seriously, what? I still can't put my finger on it, but there's something unbelievably disgusting about that whole situation. I can understand why he was getting ready to do what he was getting ready to do, but not the apology. Like, why? What purpose does it serve? I kind of wish I hadn't read the story now, but at the same time am glad I did because if I hadn't it'd still be eating away at me. I know, I know, I'll never be able to forget about it if I don't get it off my mind like this, and just after laying down to go to bed last night I got the idea to look up catharsis / cathartic writing, the accuracy of which compared to yesterday had me positively beaming. I need to do that more often too. If something is bothering me, I need to talk to somebody and get it all of my chest or do the same by writing in here, which is what I mostly did yesterday, but there was still one somewhat touchy subject I wrote about elsewhere, and feel through those I've overall accomplished what I set out to do. That's not to say I like feeling this way though. I want the energy and excitedness and feeling that I can do anything back, but I suppose given a choice between incessantly shifting between euphoria, feeling "blah", being depressed, and generally feeling "blah" most of the time, I'd choose the latter. The swings from down to up and down again can be severely taxing, and while I want to say feeling happy and sad has its uses as well, there's a difference between feeling happy (or sad) for a reason, and being so just because it's the next logical step.

Maybe I just need to get outside again though. Maybe I just need to get to work, talk to George about the things he's been doing since we last saw each other (such as if he got his laptop fixed and can watch Pokémon and Doctor Who once more). One of the reasons I was a bit reluctant to go to 7-11 last night was because I thought I'd come home and feel completely different - like I wouldn't be able to remember why I felt as I did over the weekend, and as if the past couple days had been a farce. If all it takes to improve my mood is get up and go outside for a while, then who am I to be sitting here moaning and complaining or going on about how much I want to change but insisting on taking it slow because I don't want to start fast and get burnt out? Yeah yeah, I know there's no guarantee that going outside for however long would give me a chance to clear my mind, but I didn't want to leave. I honestly didn't want to leave, because it felt like I'd be walking away from everything as well, and I won't do that. I tried walking away from everything before, by deciding to be done with friends, and even now I feel like going back to being on my own except for the people I see at work, Heart and Stroke, and work with for commissions, but I also don't, because I wanted to change that only a single day ago, and even though I can't remember why now, there must've been a valid reason for it. Pity I didn't think of these things or wake up a half hour sooner though. Just before starting into this paragraph I got the idea to open Pidgin and ask Dan Skunk "ever have one of those days where you can't even get out of bed?". Mind you I can get out of bed, and I will immediately after this because I need to eat cereal sometime this afternoon, but just to have actually said it to somebody else, and if his answer was "Yes", asked "What do you do about it?" Unfortunately, even though he was online earlier, I switched to Pidgin just in time to see "Last seen: 4 minutes", and yeah. Oh well. I'm not going anywhere yet.

And in the meantime, I got a couple replies to my commission emails today. One from the person who will be writing my next story to say they'll read through my previous reply and let me know what they think, and the other is from a new artist who I'm getting five pictures from, but they were only $20 a piece, and at the time I thought new commissions would take my mind off the other stuff that was on it. I have a couple ideas, and might try delving into the "tasteful nudity" area because I'd like to explore that as well (never ever for sexual purposes), but last I heard from them they'd have a sketch or some sort of other WIP ready around the middle of next week. Although now I'm considering emailing them again to change what I asked for the first picture to look like, and I probably will too, because I like the new idea better than the original one. And as for others, I sent an email to Evelein, who is the artist my commission with started back in March. I really don't want to wait anymore though, somewhat for reasons I'm not comfortable mentioning, and also because if I do wait until March of next year to contact her again, it'd be just as much my fault for not trying to get in touch with her again before then. And as for Sabrina, who I began my business with in February, I kind of want to email her for the same reason, but really really don't as well, because I don't want to settle for just what she can give me, as noted before. But maybe I should email her anyway, and just be sure to ask if she'd be able to get the color(s) of plastic I wanted originally. I can wait. I have been waiting, for quite a while now. Maybe you could return me roughly the same favor. Saying those things in here doesn't help though.

What does help, and is quite possibly the last thing I'll write about for today, is considerations I'm giving to commissions. I'm thinking about changing my appearance as well. Changing it to look more like I do. It's bothered me for some time that I can go on and on to artists or whoever else about how the figure I portray myself as online and who I am in real life are the same person, when the appearance is vastly different, but I just might work toward fixing that inconsistency as well. After all, the only reason my appearance is such in the picture above is Cooper wanting to use my userpic at the time as a reference when she was drawing my first picture - a reference that came from somebody else's art entirely, and while I've tweaked things here and there in effort to become more unique, it's still not right. I need a sketch commission for that though. Some auction that doesn't cost more than ten dollars, but even if that works out, the ramifications are rather significant. The cover for my story would have to be significantly altered and some details described in it would no longer be proper (feeling uncomfortable in my fur, for example), but yeah. Maybe, on the other hand, it's just as well that I keep things exactly where they are. If I do make the above noted change, I won't be able to use the cover for my story as is because it'll feel wrong, and how else can I explain the sudden and drastic switch in appearance? Say, in my next story, that the story prior had just been a dream, but when I woke up I had still transformed? Laughably cliched, and I wouldn't do that to Feathertail anyways. Or I could just as easily say "This is what I look like online, which is different than how I look in real life, but I would look that way if I could. Or I could go the other route and say "This online appearance is just a character", but no, it isn't. Maybe in the context of stories, yes, but it isn't something I can pull out or put away or supplement as needed, so just... it's complicated. I think I will keep things as they are now though, simply because of the ramifications involved with changing, but it's an interesting thought nonetheless. And besides, the whole reason that thought came to mind in the first place was so I could put that "self" behind me. I could be done with it, and I could move on, but I won't. I can't just walk away in real life, so what makes it okay to do that online? That's right. Nothing.

But I am done now. Once again, I've gone on for long enough, and probably won't get to eating breakfast today yet again, but I still have dishes to take downstairs, and need to shave before 7:00~