December 24th, 2010

My Second Book is Here

...and it's rather a surprise, too. Yesterday at about the same time the tracking page said it was scheduled for delivery on December 29th, yet I woke up today around noon, and still half-asleep dragged my finger across the touchpad to move the cursor up to the bookmark in Firefox's toolbar, and clicked on it. I can even remember thinking immediately after that "Oh, why am I doing this? It's not like anything will have changed", yet much to my surprise, I saw the same thing as last time - the little progress indicator shot all the way over to being green (as opposed to purple), and I looked down a bit to see that it had been signed for by an "A. KOSTUK". So yay. I am, of course, not opening it until tomorrow, and even then have only marginal interest in taking pictures of the book, for the same reason I cannot upload the rest of the screenshots at present. If I did, I would feel obligated to credit Pachabel (which I would happily do, as she did an amazing job with the cover and illustrations) and Feathertail, the latter of who I would be unable to, because I would find the idea of linking to his page morally objectionable when I don't understand the stories he writes about now. I don't understand what purpose they serve, or what they were written about (sexuality is still a very touchy topic for me), and I would not feel right about even telling other people "This is who wrote the story", because then I would be condoning or perhaps even supporting those new stories, and I can't do that. No, not yet. I want to overcome that, and truly think I can, but I can't just throw myself in and hope for the best. With time, yes, I will overcome this and will be a better person for it, but in the meantime, trying to maintain this state of openness is just as much of a drain.

To be quite fair, the only reason I think of this as an example is because I watched it recently, but I truly do somewhat feel like I'm going through what is described here. Even though it was somewhat difficult and hurt physically, I felt quite a bit different yesterday than today. I knew I could change, but the caveat was that I could not do it alone. Technically, the change as I saw and still see it is nothing more than a matter of needing to quantify everything about the world and life that I was still uncomfortable with. Perhaps an over-ambitious goal, but seriously, to objectively understand everything so there are no surprises, and to rise above this - to become... SOMETHING better than I am now is my new goal in life. Maybe it's actually dangerous to think this way though. Maybe I should set more realistic goals, such as what I said before about wanting to figure out why I am the way I am. Of course, this fits frighteningly well with something else I was told recently - Some autistics (especially Aspergerians) consider themselves "superior" or "the next step in evolution". Even if I am not officially autistic / an "Aspergian" (although I do like that word much better than "Aspie"), and at the risk of sounding once again like an elitist (which I could care less about anymore, because it fits what Squnq told me so long ago), that describes me. Or rather it about half-describes how I see myself now, and the other half what I would like to eventually see myself become. I already do the whole superiority thing to an extent, but as for being the next step in evolution, I do desire to become something above what I am now. Not necessarily somebody who is better than other people, but somebody who literally is different. Again, maybe it's not a healthy goal, but far and above that, it is exciting <3

Going back to normal things again though, cake for tonight is made, and I think everybody else thinks I'm off at work right now, so I'm not leaving my room until they head off to church, which is fine anyways, because I'm still feeling somewhat drained of any will to do, well, anything. I have a little plate of cookies on my bedside table that I intended to eat last night, but I never made it to them because I was up until 8am in terrible pain of the same sort of experienced before - an intense, piercing pain in the lower half of my body (in one part specifically, but I don't want this to get too detailed), alleviated somewhat by going to the bathroom a couple different times, and then eventually just laying in bed in the most comfortable position possible until I started to fall asleep, at which point I tried to shift slowly into a laying-down position, so I could fall asleep without further complications. Not fun, but that's what I get for not drinking any water at all throughout the entire day (seriously, I had a can of Pepsi while I was wrapping gifts, and a mint tea and (watery) apple cider from Tim Hortons). Something about salt, I'm sure, but all that means right now is that once everybody else leaves, I will be going downstairs to fill my water bottles. Oh yes. It's very important that I do that. Also though, gifts are wrapped, and I completely forgot to take pictures of them before doing that this year, so I'm not going to bother taking a picture of them after, but the amusing thing is how all of the main (non-food) gifts are roughly the same size. Yes, they vary in thickness, but every single box is roughly the same width and the same height, so it looks like I just have a pile of DVDs to give to everybody or something. And I did forget to take the receipt out of one of Adam's games, but that's fine, because I'll just take it from him right away tomorrow to remove that. I don't particularly mind him seeing how much the game cost ($67, I think), but I do try not to be that sloppy.

And on a final note, he seems to be at it once again. I went downstairs quite a few times yesterday afternoon to try and hint around about that envelope for Adam and Trish, but didn't get any definite answers from it, and came back upstairs with a phone number instead. What I presume is a cell phone number, because it starts with a 9, but up above it was Brandon's name, and just... no. Do you want to go out for New Years', Brandon, or is it something related to Boxing Day? We get paid in exactly one week, so please... try and hold off until then? I'm not trying to be stingy, but my money is my money, so let's try to go about it in a somewhat professional manner. Find me at work, such as later tonight if I have the time, and explain your situation there. I would probably agree, and also most likely go back on what I said before about not lending you more than $60 at a time. Instead of that, I would get you to sign a piece of paper indicating our agreement, which would include an additional condition, being that a $10 late fee would be imposed for every week you're late in paying me back. So for example, remember how you owed me $200 last time, and were two weeks late? You would owe me $220 instead. Or he could just want me to take one of his shifts or something, but try and guess which option sounds more plausible at the moment.

Anyways, I am off to do... things. Not much for another hour or so, but maybe these cookies I have here will be my breakfast, and maybe I'll finally get started tidying up my desktop, since I did go over my room last night, since it definitely needed it. Maybe~