May 16th, 2012

Always Anxious About Something

Despite the conversation between Dan and I mentioned previously ending on a relatively good note, I find myself filled with so much concern and anxiety today that I wouldn't believe it if somebody told me I felt satisfied about where things stood before. I feel like I didn't explain myself quite properly before, in that he now understands how I feel about the topic(s) that was / were enough of a concern to need to talk with him about, but might not realize that I'm still trying to get to the point where I can avoid such issues, and also kind of think that maybe he was a little too understanding and accepting. It's funny how I would more willingly believe somebody who said "I understand what you've said, and it's your thing, so whatever, but I can't see how that makes sense to you"... At any rate, I'm not writing this to be all whiny and frustrated like I was back on Monday. I do however want to post the log of that conversation though, because I have certain things to say about it, and about the situation in general.

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Now, when I started writing this yesterday, the above was going to be it. I did and still do have a few other things to talk about, but as I had the night off, I started talking to him again, as shown in this conversation log:

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At this point, I just want to say "That's it. I'm done. I can't type anymore", because this entry has now been about four solid hours in the making, but I must see it through to the end, before I leave for work tonight, because it is important that I get this out, thereby gaining the ability to move on, and fill that void with more desirable things. In order to give myself a bit of a break right now, how about I say that yesterday, with effectively no planning, I finally cleared off my top bunk. All of the blankets and stuff that were up there are now in the spare room, piled up out of the way, and in their place are a plush leopard and snow leopard that I bought in Toronto (one in February, the other last week), and several accessories in the form of ears and such. I definitely like it better that way, but as yet, I haven't gone up there to relax. I need to find one of my USB extension cords for that, and then would also have to have snacks, which I don't foresee having for a little bit. I did go out to 7-11 last night, and bought more than I would've normally there, having decided that today, I will start watching what I eat again. Two pieces of pizza for breakfast thus far, and for supper, which will not come until I get home from work? Whatever is made for supper here, if there are leftovers and I want some, and otherwise, to make the reversal complete, probably just cereal and toast. I see nothing wrong with having lunch / supper for breakfast and breakfast for supper, and cereal and toast would be filling, but within reason. Then there's grocery shopping tomorrow, but depending on how much I get paid, I'll either not buy anything there at all, or buy a couple bags of cheese breadsticks, and a case or two of Pepsi. The bigger concern is having enough to give Mom and Dad the money I couldn't give them last week because I wasn't here. I should be able to afford it, but won't know for sure until I see my pay stub.

Anyway, now that I've mostly forgotten what I was going to say about the majority of this entry, I'm going to go by what I currently feel, instead of what I said previously. I am clearly aware of how and what I feel about myself, which gives me the ability to say "I am a snow leopard, in spirit" and / or "I identify with snow leopards", both effectively meaning the same thing. The fact that I go about with a tail and ears would initially appear to contradict the spirituality, but as far as I'm concerned, that's a way of outwardly displaying how I see myself. Maybe that means that instead of telling people "It's just something I like to do" when they ask why I do it, I should tell them "It's just part of who I am, and yes, I also like to be different". As for that applying to seeing movies of the animals, I have two choices. One is that I could watch them but be indifferent about it (not all that different from now, without the anxiety), or I could choose to not watch them, because of what they remind me of. Even if I come to terms with myself, and accept this in a way that smoothes over nicely, I don't think knowing what used to happen will ever fully fade, but with that, I could have a third option too - watch them, and actively acknowlege those thoughts. Say "Yes, I used to get really anxious and worked up about this, but that's no longer who I am, so let's just skip those feelings this time".

What a wonderful, twisted situation this is, huh? I definitely need a break now though, both to de-stress and clear my mind before work, so here's hoping this is the next step toward figuring this out for myself, and that I won't wake up tomorrow with an entirely new set of uncertainties~