July 28th, 2012

I'm Not the Only One

It really is fitting how appropriate this image is. I've come home from work, sat down to eat supper, found a new visual style and Winamp skin to test out, and was generally enjoying myself. I even gave mom her gas money back at ~5, because she was in the bathroom when I went out to use it myself. Then, however, some switch was flipped in my brain, and all I could think about from then on were things that made me feel anxious and depressed. Meanwhile, all I wanted to do was relax and enjoy myself for a bit before going to bed. It's now 20 minutes after 6am though, and I refuse to allow myself to sleep just yet, because if I do, I'll likely never get to something that happened on the way to work earlier tonight that I want to write about. Really, though, I would like to tell Dan, to see if he could offer any insight, because it seems like something he'd know about, but I can't very well talk all about what happened when I haven't yet explained the event.

It was on the way to work, as mentioned above. I was crossing over the bridge, and up a fair distance ahead of me, saw somebody who - from a distance - looked almost exactly like Dan. Roughly the same height, and most importantly wearing a green (I mean green) shirt, and black shorts, but as I got closer, I realized it wasn't, and chalked that up to coincidence. Our paths crossed as we were both walking across the street, and as I made my way past him (I was walking faster), he said something that sounded like "...random furry walking down the street?" I made some offhanded remark to myself, but didn't stop otherwise, and kept on until the intersection of Grand and St. Clair. While I was waiting for the light to change there, he caught up with me, and said "I think I've heard of you!" I asked him "How so?" or somesuch, immediately after which a truck went speeding around the corner making lots of noise, so I asked him to repeat what he said, and was told that he thought I was some J. Lawrence (he did give the full first name, but I can't remember what it was now - only that it started with a J), also known as "Bubbles". I think I said "No...", and he replied with "Oh, because somebody was talking about a guy walking around wearing cat ears and a tail...", and I told him "Not me", before turning, without another word, and continuing on to work. He said nothing further after that (at least that I heard), and I was amused with myself for a bit at how I didn't give my name, but that lead to something that I'm still wondering about. I can't help but feel that it could be a case of mistaken identity, which is endlessly entertaining to think about. It's not exactly plausible to suggest that people assume I am some other person as a result of me never officially identifying myself, but that has a certain reason to it all the same. I am also reminded of the person who found my old profile on a furry listing site a little while ago, and contacted me, saying they lived in the same city. Could the person I encountered tonight and that person who emailed me before be the same? Maybe, but I feel as if I'm doing a less and less adequate job of explaining this. I just wonder if the day will ever come when I go to a furmeet in Toronto and meet somebody there who recognizes me, but whom I don't know. That would be awkward.

Other things aside though, how does it feel to be one night closer to going away? Pretty annoying, to be blunt. I've reminded myself several times tonight (once just recently) that the last weekend before going away will always be the busiest, but to go with that, I know not what to say other than that I wasn't prepared this time. Way too many customers, extreme lack of patience from me, and frustration with Manoah (he's on vacation until the 3rd, meaning I won't get that $80 back until I get home) made it a rather painful night. Brandon ordered pizza for the three of us though, which was quite kind, and by some sort of miracle, I was allowed to go wash dishes for the last hour and a half of the night, because I am "the fastest" at them. I don't like the idea of relying on incentives to get me through the night, but I need something of the sort tomorrow. It doesn't have to be going to 7-11 for snacks, but what else? I just checked Food Basics' online flyer, and saw that they have cases of Pepsi on sale for $4.77 again, so I'll probably go pick up several of those before work to leave unopened until I get home from Toronto, but I can't just have a case of Pepsi to look forward to. Ice cream would be nice, I suppose. But in a form that could be shared with everybody (Brandon and Laura, that is)... I must think of something, but I'm not about to keep myself awake for even longer to do so. If an idea comes to mind before I fall asleep, I will make note of it in Notepad, and if it doesn't, I will... have to figure something out tomorrow~

It's Just Not the Same

What with having finished Color Cross yesterday, I'm now back into working on Mario's Picross 2. Being a puzzle game, the mechanics are relatively unchanged from Mario's Picross, but there is one substantial difference in the levels past Easy Picross - they're divided into four parts, with each part being 15 by 15 blocks. In order to keep things organized, I'm creating subfolders for each puzzle (making the directory structure something like [Mario's Picross 2] -> [Mario Mode] -> [Mario's Picross] -> [Area 1] -> [Puzzle A]), but Windows displays the files side by side, instead of two and two stacked, as they're arranged in the game. I suppose I could just combine them after completing all four pieces, but that kind of defeats the purpose of what I'm doing when the game presents them as separate puzzles. Really though, it's not that important a problem, especially so compared to what's on my mind this afternoon that has me writing a second entry in the same day.

Just before I went to bed last night, I sent Dan a couple messages in MSN. One was to inform him that cases of pop were on sale at Food Basics, because I assumed he would want to pick some up for the furmeet, and the other was to ask about the main thing mentioned in my previous entry - if he was aware of anybody going by the name of Bubbles. Following that, I went to sleep, and the several times I woke up before actually waking up thereafter, opened my laptop to check if he had responded yet. Nothing the first time, or the second, or even the third, causing me to feel slightly frustrated, but not really bothered, until my mind connected it to something else that happened before. Specifically, that person on his forum who was asking about me, for wanting to invite me bowling, and how when I went to Toronto shortly following that, he actually told them "He's here right now", and asked if I wanted to say anything to them. Cue that whole issue being dragged up again, because there's still something about it that bothers me. At first I thought for sure that I was upset solely because he was violating my wish to have a small group of friends, and keep to myself otherwise, and that really seemed to fit with how I felt back then - incredibly anxious, annoyed with that other person, Dan, and myself, and other such unpleasantness. I started to wonder if I felt that way because I knew somewhere in the back of my mind that how I felt (what with wanting to keep to myself) was wrong, but I was refusing to acknowledge it, but then another option came to the surface, along the same line of reasoning regarding certain movies / other media. Other people expect me to be one way, but I desire to be another way. Unfortunately, my personality is such that if the other person is somebody I think of as a friend, I am extremely likely to assume that they're right, and I'm wrong. Applied to being asked if I wanted to say something to a person I would likely never interact with otherwise, it creates a most painful (emotional, more than physical) conflict in me. I begin to feel like I might be better off dropping this facade and trying to be more outgoing, and maybe that's true, but I can't deny that if I'm this susceptible to suggestion from one friend, it would be... significantly more trying with more. Maybe I should've taken this to him instead of writing about it in here, but I almost refuse to do that on the grounds of it being just one step closer to living in this bubble that nobody can approach, let alone pop, without me freaking out on them. Why me? Because I am just that lucky. Fun, but I do want to get a couple more puzzles done in Mario's Picross 2 before I go to work.

As for unrelated things, Brandon and I have something to discuss at work, for one. His girlfriend wants an item that's being sold on eBay, so he sent me the link. Fine so far, but the item is available by auction only. He gave me a maximum amount of $40 to bid to though, and I made sure to point out that the auction wouldn't end until I go away, so he won't be able to pay me until I get back. Cue and email from him saying that he'll bring $40 to work tonight, and will collect the remainder from me when the auction ends, assuming I win the item, and the total price is less than $40, which I rather do not want. I suppose I could take that $40 and lock it away in my room (and now that I've thought to do that, it is what I'll most likely do), but the idea of accepting payment under these circumstances feels wrong. Also, I had a decision to make regarding whether or not I want to accompany everybody else to Lucky In(n) for supper at 6:00 earlier, but I think I've reached a decision now. I'll go, but won't eat too much. Mom was quite insistent that I come, so that's fine. I've only had a can of Pepsi since I woke up today (speaking of which, I bought four cases of that, as well as one case of Dr. Pepper, and one of orange Crush earlier...), so that should work out well enough. Now I am going back to picross though. I don't know if I'll be able to complete the first level before 6:00, but at least that's something to strive for~