August 15th, 2012

I'm Getting Really Selfish

As planned last night, I asked to be taken to the bank and work after being picked up at the train station, so we did. At work, I indirectly asked Mary about November. Her response? A somewhat annoyed look, and "Y'know you're way past your allowed time off, right?" I said "...really?", instantly being flooded with worry, because time off has never been an issue before, provided I asked far enough in advance, and to that, she answered with "Yeah, but... y'know what? Talk to me at the beginning of October, and we'll see then". I left shortly after that, having already determined that the next time I work is Friday from 8 - close, but since then, I've been quite depressed over the matter. I really really would like to go back again, but there's a month and a half to go before I'll be able to even ask again, and in the meantime, it feels boring to be back at home. If I was still there, we'd have a new episode of Hotel Hell to watch right now, and I might have had a chance to talk to Xion, but I'm back at home again, so the most excitement for the day will probably be going grocery shopping in a bit, when I don't plan to buy anything anyway. In the meantime, I'm contemplating closing Instantbird until Friday or Saturday, to more properly allow myself a chance to adjust to being here again, but if I do that, there will be little to no chance of talking to Xion, and I already sent him an email last night to explain why Dan and I left so early, and to ask about him (and Chris) keeping mostly to himself / themselves. ...actually, I just thought of the right way to explain most of why I feel the way I do right now. I am no longer in Toronto, meaning I am no longer receiving the stimulation of being around people that I enjoy being around. It is one hell of an adjustment, considering I was there for two weeks, but perhaps that means chatting online will make up for some of that. At the moment though, Dan is away, Chris is online (but maybe not actually), and Xion is offline - maybe just invisible, but I can't initiate a conversation with him either way. So yeah. I'm kind of in an unpleasant place right now. I have been busying myself with watching new episodes of TV shows (Warehouse 13, MasterChef, and Murdoch Mysteries, with the last two shows actually being new), and do have those albums of music to go through, but I'd still like to be able to chat with them, to have that temporary connection again.

In better news, in case I didn't mention it before, I left Dan a couple messages in MSN while I was on the train home last night, one of which was to specifically tell him that I would prefer to be staff at any furmeets I was able to attend in the future. He didn't get back home until about an hour after I did, but I received a message from him around 11:30, and off we went, through the several things I sent him previously. The relevant part of that conversation is as follows:

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Cool, yes? I don't propose to take everything away from him in terms of responsibilities, but I greatly prefer the idea of being a contributor, instead of just a participant. That can even be extended further, to something else I was going to tell him for comparison, but didn't, and thus will have to settle for writing in here: I could legitimately see myself going to another furry convention (at least one - maybe more) if I could go in the capacity of a volunteer / member of behind-the-scenes staff. Transportation notwithstanding, of course, but thinking back to MFF, as it's the only experience of that sort which I have to draw on, I would likely have had a better experience. Having specific obligations would've prevented me from spending as much time up in the room idly watching TV, and would also have been better than just randomly walking around, really only buying things in the dealers' den, and going out for food. Maybe I will do that one day, but for now, there are other things to deal with. I will say that I feel better for having written this entry, but where the idea is that busying myself with things on my laptop and maybe talking to Dan and / or Xion later tonight will be sufficient to keep me in a decent mood, going out to get groceries would seem to be a bad idea. I still don't want to buy too much, but may pick up some things to make a couple more of those chocolate chip cheesecake pies. Heavy / whipping cream, two cans of sweetened condensed milk, two pacakges of mini chocolate chips, two graham pie crusts, and two blocks of cream cheese. Quite a bit - more than $20, to be sure - but it would get me downstairs for a bit, which might be nice today. A shower would be nice too though, because I don't think I've had one since the night after we went camping last week. Groceries first, and whatever may come after that, I suppose~