November 24th, 2012

Feels Like Something's Wrong

I still can't explain it, but since about halfway through my shift at work last night, I've been filled with just a general, not all-consuming but near enough feeling of uneasiness. Nothing really bad happened at work - I learned of some things that may complicate wanting to go away in the future, and was also obsessing over some other things not related to work that I haven't been able to put to rest yet, and the walk home was fine (not to mention beautifully windy), but still, I just feel slight, constant dread / worry (it's not even anxiety) about something or other, and not being able to figure out what is starting to get to me. One concrete thing I do feel a bit anxious over is having received a reply from Squeeze to the second of my two recent emails. In the email I sent, I said it would be fun to make plans for my birthday, because I could make one of those cakes to share, but in her reply, she said that probably wouldn't be possible, and that she "wished me the best anyway". I'll make do, as I still have the option of going to the small Heart and Stroke Christmas party this year and making the most of the night afterward, but... I want to do something special for my birthday again, for once. Yes, I went to Toronto on the 13th last year, and Dan, Chris, Xion, and I all went out for a quick snack before heading to the apartment, but I have reason to believe (even now) that none of them knew it was my birthday then until nearly a week after the fact. Yeah. I don't wish to sound selfish, but even if Dan and / or Squeeze (not sure about Xion, Chris, or Manoah) said happy birthday in MSN then, it would be appreciated.

As for those things that came up at work, since there are two, let's look at them separately:

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Unfortunately, the uneasiness remains even having written those. I've decided that instead of waiting for a day off, or until I can't wait any longer to talk about the first half of the second paragraph above, I'll work on writing an email to Dan when I finish this, and send it to him before I leave for work, but is that all? Maybe I'm worried about being put on drive through tonight. If it's as busy a night as yesterday, I would have plenty of time to get the dishes done, and the floor scrubbed, but what if it's not that? Am I upset / anxious over what Manoah told me - that he won't be able to give me any money until the second pay of December, this time? That'll be just before Christmas, so I think I can predict what he'll say then: "I had to buy Christmas presents, so I can't give you any money this week either". I told him there would be some sort of late fee if I didn't get anything from him then, but that'll be the second time, so it might be that my lack of assertiveness is getting in the way. On the other hand, maybe I'm just coming down with something. It's about that time of year, and feeling unsettled could be indicative of some illness starting to work its way through me, but no matter what's really at fault, I just... don't feel well. I have three emails to write before work though, so I ought to get busy on those. If I don't, I'll have that to feel anxious about at work too...