May 5th, 2013

I Need Another Week

That feeling is coming back again. I started finally working on a list of things to pack earlier this afternoon, and all I could feel after a little while was anxiety. I want to just be in Toronto. Not have to still worry about packing or staying up late to take the train or possibly not being able to have Squeeze accompany me to the train station if her mom isn't able to watch Conner for the night, which is all nice and fun. It's not unbearable, but like the title says, I could do with another week. More time to not procrastinate and leave things 'til the last minute, but I think I'll be alright anyway. Plans for tonight aren't too related to that - I'll be coming back here after work again, whereupon Squeeze and I will be making anklets for each other, and probably just hanging out after that. We started getting into less innocent things earlier, but stopped because we're saving that for tomorrow, and now it's just a matter of waiting. Evo is apparently supposed to be over in a bit, and will be watching Conner so Squeeze and I can go for a short walk. I have to go to work, and she has to head elsewhere for things of her own, so we'll be walking part of the way together and that will be fun.

Not to switch topics too abruptly now, but some time after I got home last night (because this has become home now too), we were going to have a shower, and before that actually started, I managed to piece together enough of a new theory to explain my conflicted feelings that I tried to explain it to her. I didn't do such a good job then, unfortunately, and am still not really sure that I will now, but let's try anyway. My theory is that with friends in the past, I've always been looking (even if only subconsciously) for somebody to be more than friends with. I'd never found the sort of person that Squeeze is before now, which explains why nothing ever happened then, and to an extent, also how I found myself in the position of feeling that the other person and I were supposed to be more than friends because of how well we were getting along. The main point though is that those more than friends sorts of feelings were always there, but never came about or were reciprocated in the right way. It's different with Squeeze though, based on how much we have in common and how I feel toward her in general, but (and this is the crux of it), because now that we are more than friends, I feel like I should feel for her more than I do already, because I already had those more than friends feelings before. Again, it's just a theory, but I really feel that it makes sense. On a related note as well though (regarding thinking too much), I found this picture earlier, and just... yeah. Squeeze told me to show it to Evo just a moment ago, and even he agreed that it describes me perfectly. With that though, it is time for me to get ready to go to work. One night to go, and I've got a lot of extra cleaning planned, provided I can get to it, so yes. Hopefully the dishes are all caught up~