June 3rd, 2015

This is My Life...

Public entry? Yep. That's the way we're doing things now. Read on if you wish, but if not, no hard feelings.

I've been awake since about 9:30am. Couldn't say when I went to bed, but it was maybe an hour or so after midnight. I woke up around 5 or so, was awake for a little bit from there, eventually couldn't keep my eyes open, woke up again around 8, fell asleep once more, and when I woke up the final time, I decided I would just write in my newest journal book about the way I was feeling, and the day went from there. I started writing up in Adam's old room, since that's where I'm staying now, but eventually relocated downstairs to the living room, because I didn't feel right still being cooped up. I stayed there for long enough to finish writing, came out here to the desktop computer, set up things so I could watch something on Youtube and play Tidal Trouble on Flight Rising - from my account no less! At some point, Dad came back, and gave me $40, as we agreed last night, then I wrote in my book again, then Mom woke up, and came downstairs, and we all went out in the back yard to talk.

I don't know how long we talked for - an hour, at least - but though I got emotional during, Dad commented near the end that I seemed more calm, and indeed, not only was it a help to talk, but I also had more options for things. Mom loaned me three of her books - "Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?", "The Secret of Staying in Love", and "Why am I Afraid to Love?" all by John Powell, and I was told that both my dad and Adam have contacted Al Edumnds, a "lay pastor" in my mom's words, at the church over on Victoria St, in regards to counseling. It's no substitute to seeing a professional, and indeed, I have appointments lined up for the 2nd and 16th of July, but I do need to remember to call and confirm those 48 hours in advance come time. What's more, the three of us have all agreed to continue talking, and I even suggested to my mom that it might be nice to go for a walk with her sometime, and talk even there.

I feel bad though, knowing that all this stuff is becoming available to me, and Jen still has to deal with things on her own. I don't know if it's just that I need more help than she does, or what, and I know that in all actuality, I should be able to write as I please, and say whatever I like without having to consider her feelings, but I can't do that.

We are separated. As of yesterday night, our relationship was dissolved, and though things between us aren't fully over, it still makes me emotional - in a good way, a bad way, and everything else in between - to remember standing on the porch, and to be holding her head in my hands ever so gently, and to see the smile in her eyes, to caress her in a loving, caring way, and to tell her "bye bye for now", and "I'll be okay if you'll be okay". I know it hasn't fully hit me yet, because the feelings have only started to surface today, but she's gone. Because of my inaction in regards to getting help with my problems, I wasted the last chance we had - the one that I fought for - and she's gone. Not gone for good, because we both wrote to each other in the kitchen about how we wanted to remain friends, but for the two months that she needs - that I need - that we need to figure ourselves out, and to improve for her, and get the help that I need and to improve for me, we will have no contact whatsoever.

It's hard, but compared to yesterday, when I was over there and we were still talking as just the two of us, and I seriously saw my only option as to admit myself into the hospital, and pretty well lose control of my life for the sake of getting help, things have improved. Just going back to yesterday, never in all the 30 years I've lived so far would I have imagined the night where I had my parents over to my girlfriend's place, and largely entirely on my own, explain what was happening, and why it was happening. Even more significantly, I'm kind of floored that I admitted still having suicidal thoughts to them. At one point, while it was just Jen and I still talking, hearing her just sobbing, sitting on the steps, as she realized that I haven't even been trying to change - not intentionally, but what can be done now - was getting to me badly enough that I had to get out. I went out into the back yard, and crouched down in the corner, and as she said, apparently my camo [clothes] worked well, because she was rushing around the house in a panic, calling my name and checking all the rooms, because she legitimately thought I'd gone off to do something stupid. The kicker? While I was out there, I heard a train approaching on the nearby tracks. In that moment, all of the craziness and imbalance and done-ness in my mind nearly saw me get up, and run full stride - long at hard - toward the train. But I didn't, and I won't do it now, for a couple reasons. The main one? Even though Jen and I are separated, I still care very deeply about her. She said more than once, even last night, that if, because of things, I killed myself, the guilt, and knowing that I was gone because of what she said would figuratively, if not possibly literally, even, kill her too. The other reason is that having told mom and dad, I can't go off and off myself without feeling that I'm causing them disappointment (I know that doesn't sound strong enough), and letting them down. Even with Jen, when she gave me that letter before, she made me promise to her that I wouldn't do anything stupid. I wanted to keep that promise then, but when things between us seemed to start getting better again, I thought the worry for her was gone. For me, though, with my personality, and my attachment to her being of the sort where anything wrong between us caused my whole world to fall apart, when things did start to go back to the way they had been again, and things started going wrong again, suicide did come to mind, but that time, I kept it entirely to myself, for figuring that if she didn't know, I could have it as one final option. One last thing I could do for myself to be done with the way I was feeling, and to let the people whose lives I affected - Jen, namely - eventually go back to normal.

But that doesn't matter anymore. It may be kind of a hard, emotional thing to read, but it's in the past, and like everything else, the best I can do is hope to learn from it. In a more personal way, I would never have seen the day come when I told my parents about my personal interests. Balloons? Inflatables? Fabric? They may never know or understand the full extent of what they are to me, but compared to that day I told dad about last night when Tabby had gone under the chair in my room and he pulled it up to find my stash of balloons, and was pretty unhappy, it's quite a different situation. As it stands though, the most comfort that really offers is that I don't have to feel awkward and guilty about some of the things I'm storing in the basement.

So as to where things stand now, I need to find a way to adjust. I need to fully accept the fact that while Jen is not completely gone from my life, she won't be there for a fair amount of time, and even when she comes back, it won't be in the same way as before.

I need to adjust to life again. If there's one thing I intend to not do this time around, it's to spend all of my free time up in whatever room I'm occupying. I don't care if that means I have to dig out my Wii, or WiiU, or 3DS, or whatever other gaming thing, and just sit in the living room and play when I don't have anything else to keep myself busy. I have a new journal book, like I said, which in one day I've already written two entries in, as well as I have mom and dad to talk to, when they're not busy, and I have this Al Edmo
nds to contact eventually, and even Adam, since I'm told he can be a really good guy to talk to, despite his silly, joking attitude that people normally see. If absolutely all else fails, I can even admit myself into the hospital too, but such as it is, that feels like an extreme step now. To do so is not outside of consideration, but if that ever ends up happening, it won't be without a lot of thought, and talking with my parents.

I do have practical things to occupy my time. Within the next couple months ideally, but before summer is out at latest, I want to have my G1. I want to actually go to the Goodwill Career Centre, and tell them that the location at which I am currently employed will be closed before the end of the year for renovations, and that I'd like to not only find a new job in the meantime, but I'd like to pursue an actual career as well. In less than a month now, I have a 10am appointment with the intake nurse at the mental health clinic in the hospital, and an appointment with an actual psychiatrist two weeks after that. These are all things that I want to do not only for myself, so I can get my life steered back in the right direction again, but also for Jen, so that come two months from now, I can send her a message in Skype, and we can talk about how we've improved.

To be wistful for a moment, I almost feel that this is exactly what needed to happen, as hard as it is. I needed to no longer have Jen, or to be able to see Jen, so I could fully appreciate her for everything that she actually meant to me, and to learn from my mistakes, and to be a better person for it, because let's face facts. While we were still in a relationship, I couldn't see the forest for the trees, for myself, or for her. One of the things that I wrote in my first personal journal entry today was "I'm sorry [Jen] for, in our relationship, focusing more on things - material objects - than you". I like to think it started out well, but ever since the damned pant legs, things just went downhill.

Back to today though, other than talking to mom and dad, I played Tidal Trouble some more, poked around the other pages in Flight Rising, and tried my hand at the 200-question G1 test. On that, I'm surprised with my score of 81%. After that, I tried the 40-question test, and got a grade of 93%. Links?


I'm pretty pleased with my results, and in mom's words, I could have my G1 by next week at this rate. It's something to think about, huh?

But really, everything else aside, as my parents put it while we were all talking - Jen included - last night, now is the beginning of the time that I need for myself. Though it may be only natural to want Jen there with me, I need to accept that she's gone, and be happy with what we still have, which is honestly a lot, compared to where things could have ended up. Come some time in August, we'll actually be able to see each other again, but for now, this is my time, that I need for myself.

As Jen would say, just one step, or one day at a time...