July 22nd, 2015

Moving in the Right Direction

Something else to do tomorrow. Between 9am and 5pm, go up to Family Service Kent, and get a copy of the counseling intake form. I'm sure I could email Michele again and explain the situation, but as it is, the only other thing I actually want to email her for is to print out some copies of my resume once I have that finished up.

The fun thing about going there tomorrow is it's literally right down the street from the apartment building. I walked by it absolutely every night on my way to work, and never even realized. I'm sure a visit to the mall could be arranged too, because there are a few things I could grab from Dollarama, and then it'll be on to the rest of the afternoon.

Tomorrow is the day when I want to ask mom to call Jen about the 2nd, requesting that she keep a couple hours open in the evening for both of us. Linda called last night, about the money she owed me, and I used the opportunity to ask her about watching Conner that day, but... I don't want to impose. My thoughts and feelings and perceptions of Jen have become so twisted and distorted as a result of not seeing each other for two months that I'm convinced she'll want very little to do with me. Meanwhile, there's a lot I want to do with her, and talk about with her, and give her, and if nothing else is to happen on that Sunday, I would at least like to see us go out to supper together, and to talk about where and how we see ourselves compared to what things were like back in June. I suppose even then though, if she's that insistent on other people not making decisions for her, I'd happily have Conner come to supper with us, and buy him whatever she thinks he'll eat, but that's just me. I do intend to not back down in regards to what I want, but until then, I'll have no way of knowing what she's up for.

Getting back to Family Service Kent, the first question I asked when I called was about income. Their intake form says they require proof of income for all adult members of your household, which made me think that I'd need not only mine, but also mom's, and dad's, and Adam's, and Naomi's. Which is slightly ridiculous to ask, and would have only increased my price per hour. The lady I spoke with though said that since she was under the impression that my and my parents' money were separate, I would need to provide only mine, which is not only easier, but means I'd be paying about $30 an hour. Plus the one-time $25 administration fee. Not too bad, I guess. For myself, I'm still not pleased at the prospect of having to pay for counseling, but with regards to Jen, and everything that's happened between us, I'd like to show her that I am trying, even if I'm not perfectly okay with the cost.

So overall, tomorrow will consist of usual morning things, then probably heading straight out to Family Service Kent, followed by Dollarama, then coming home to work on writing a letter to Jen, because I want to mail her something to arrive ahead of the 2nd, with instructions to not open it until then, and also make her one or two friendship bracelets to put inside. Past that, the remainder of the week plus a bit until that Sunday will be spent tying up loose ends, and making sure I have everything ready. I honestly feel so close to being burnt out, and beyond my limit for all the work and effort I've been trying to put in toward meeting up with her again, but the time that it's all been building to is coming in less than two weeks, and after that, we can figure out what's what, and start to move on. I really don't have too many expectations for the 2nd, but for the things I want to do, I will be actually quite upset if we can't.

What I would really like to do is take pictures of the various things I have for her, and make an entry in here out of them, but I can't find my camera battery charger, and the replacement that I ordered has yet to arrive, despite being shipped almost three weeks ago. I would really like to make an entry out of thoughts I had on being insecure at work on the weekend, but the words aren't there anymore. From about 8:30pm through until I went to bed that same night, I actually saw all of my problems with insecurity in the past as pretty ridiculous. For the first time in my life, at least that I can recall, I actually saw how the way I compared myself to other people was unfair to me. And all of that is still there, drifting about in my mind, but I can't grab hold of it in the same way that I did before. It's definitely frustrating, but at least the positives that came from it haven't faded.

My train of thought has gone and run away now though, meaning this'll be it for today, so I can get at least one other important thing done before I have to leave for work I'll keep my fingers crossed for a long-awaited package tomorrow...