August 1st, 2015

The Time Has Come (Part 1)

I think I'm in pretty good shape. All that really remains for later is to do laundry, and shower, and just try to have things in decent shape. If I could put boxes of stuff in the wagon tonight, I would, alas, I don't think it's going to be cool enough tomorrow to allow for that. I do at least want to bring the one I have upstairs down though, and tape it up so it's ready to go, then worry about the other tomorrow. Good thing I'll be giving Jen a four page letter to read, because I have a feeling I might be here for a bit longer than I suspected at first.

So things are in good shape, in a practical way, but I'm not. I couldn't be farther from. My stomach is twisted and hurting, my mind is racing at a thousand miles an hour, I keep going from hopeful and optimistic to horribly, horribly pessimistic, and the patently ridiculous thing is that this is largely all on the back of Orlando telling me something else that I just needed to hear last night. He ran into Jen at Walmart. Okay, cool. Apparently, however, she hadn't wanted anybody to see her, as she's made some changes to herself, and wanted them to be a surprise. The moment he told me that, my heart just... sank. I honestly don't know why my brain interpreted her changing as a bad thing, but it did, and it wasn't until near the end of the night that I started feeling back to myself again.

There are three options I can think of for what's changed.

Number 1. She's had her hair cut
Number 2. She's dyed her hair black
Number 3. She's lost weight

The only other thing I know of for sure that she wanted to change about herself was her teeth, and in a purely practical way, I don't think she'd have been able to find help with that inside of two months.

I did question Orlando a bit, moreso about him telling me that she told him that she wanted it to be a surprise, as well as asking him if he thought it was something I would like. He hesitated, then answered, quite assuredly "Yeah". So shut up brain. Chances are it's something good, and you've once again gone into control freak mode and are getting all uppity because somebody who matters to you has changed themselves outside of your control. It. Does. Not. Matter. To anybody reading this, if there's one thing I'm trying to work on whenever I find myself thinking that way is reminding myself and reinforcing the idea that the only life and / or the only person I have control over is myself. I need to learn how to accept other people being different, and not get so incredibly upset because they've changed and I haven't, or they've changed and I'm generally afraid of change so my mind immediately assumes the negative.

While I was working on Flight Rising earlier, Mom came in with a message for me from work, asking if I could stay 'til 11 tonight instead of leaving at 8. I was completely against the idea at first, because I was still in a really bad place mentally at the time, and felt that if I stayed, I wouldn't have enough time to get to all the things that I want / need to do here. But I managed to take care of the most time consuming tasks, and I wish I could say the one part I really disliked because I currently lack the skill / finesse, but to do so would give away part of what I want to keep a secret until tomorrow.

Just... it's tomorrow. At this time tomorrow, we'll probably be talking to each other again. I'm scared. I honestly, truly am. I've become used to this life now. I've become used to being on my own again, and having to find my own way, and even made some significant personal advancements in the way that I am in general. And that's set to change tomorrow. Yes, I absolutely could choose to just not go see Jen, or go see her, and tell her at some point that, for my own sake, I can't continue to even be friends with her, but I don't want that. I really, truly don't. It's been a fleeting thought at best the few times I have noticed it, but all I've had to go on for what feels like the longest time now is my own thoughts and feelings. I want to meet with her again. I am excited to see her and show her what I've been busy with, and hopefully make good on all these plans of things that I want to do together. And that's why, for as pessimistic as I can feel on my own, it's something else that I owe to myself and to her - to us - to not rule out before it has a chance to happen. I feel like this is something I wrote about in my paper journal before, but if I did, the thought got buried amongst so many others at some point.

I tried to push her out of my head - I let her go, in that friends-only entry - and that is by far the biggest thing that helped me get out of the funk I was in, but in less than 24 hours, she will be back in my life, very likely only as a friend, and regardless of how I felt, or what I did before, I know I'm going to want to take her back in some capacity. Take her back in the sense of calling her a friend, is what I mean.

I half thought about getting on 7 Cups of Tea earlier to talk to somebody about the overwhelming anxiety and panic I was feeling, and though I managed to get past that for the time being, I think it would be in my best interests to find somebody on there whom I can talk to on a regular basis about things, because I need a friend. I need somebody to talk to. And Jen will be there, yes, but I need somebody to talk to other than her, both because it would be hard to talk about some of the things that happened between us with the same person they happened with, and because if I throw all of myself into just being friends with her, as before, I'll only end up hurting myself in the long run. So that's something to think about.

But for now, I'm leaving for work early, because while preparing some things earlier, I noticed one thing I had set aside for Jen mysteriously disappeared. It's easily replaced, at the cost of a trip to Dollarama, so that's where I'm headed. Then off to work for six hours, where I hope to just stay on line all night because that keeps me pretty busy, and then home, for the last night in two months.

...deep breaths...'ll be okay...

...approximately 21 hours and counting...