August 6th, 2015

...stress and such...

When I woke up this morning, the day in my head was laid out roughly as follows:

~ Properly work on Flight Rising for the first time in a couple days
~ Get a call from Jen when she was heading out with her mom
~ Go out to do my own running around
~ Back at home, wait to hear from Jen again, to say she was at home and ready for me to come over
~ Go over there to enjoy as normal a night as possible of weirdo things

It's currently quarter to 7 in the evening, and I can cross the first one off my list. The others? Things... have taken some unfortunate turns.

For one, when Jen woke up, she said she wasn't feeling that great. The stress and related factors across everything since Sunday were really starting to get to her, and I, sending where the conversation was going, commented that I was starting to worry that we wouldn't be able to hang out.

Enter stressor #1. An email from a worker of hers, saying to give her a call between 3 and 7pm, about the half door to Conner's room, and board blocking his door. Neither of us liked the sound of that, and sure enough, when 3:00 came and she was able to make the call, it was pretty much what we'd feared. At the time, they weren't sure about the board in his window, but were demanding that the sliding lock on his half door be removed.

Enter stressor #2. Both of us getting all kinds of worked up and upset and pissed off over that. Anybody else might ask me why I was getting so emotionally involved, and the best answer I can give is that that's how much I care about her. I care about her so much that when something bad or unfortunate happens in her life, it hurts me, too. I've used swears in these entries recently, but infrequently, mostly for emphasis, however, a cursory check of our chat history from that part of the conversation will reveal quite a few "fuck"s and similar on my part. I was not pleased, and when she asked what she'd done to deserve it, stating that she's always tried to do the right thing in every situation, I felt so absolutely, overwhelmingly powerless that I thought I was going to freak out.

Enter stressor #3. Another call, possibly from the same worker. They'd come to a decision about the board in his window, which was that it should be removed. Helpfully, said worker will be bringing her alarms to install tomorrow, and also offered that, since Jen had been so cooperative, more drastic measures wouldn't be taken. Cue both of us getting upset again, with me experiencing the same powerlessness and feeling of wanting to help but not being able to do anything as before. I continued on with my tirade though, which evidently didn't help.

Enter stressor #4. Me, presumably. Whilst I was still being all kinds of upset, she had apparently found some way to shove her emotions to the side, and do what needed to be done. I thought she had gone downstairs to take care of things right at that moment, so I continued typing away, then received a "Listen", and "I really need to get this shit done" from her.

I just...

I feel like inside of a couple hours, I've completely jeopardized our entire friendship. I've proven myself too emotionally attached to let Jen ultimately deal with her problems on her own, just as I have proven myself too emotionally unstable to no longer be able to assess a situation in a level, controlled fashion. I think back to how the conversation would have gone when we were friends before, and I sure wouldn't have been happy about it, but instead of flying off the handle right alongside her, I'd have tried to keep a level head, and tried to emphasize that even if it wasn't desirable that she have to have alarms instead of locking Conner in his room at night, there was nothing much to be done other than run a risk that neither of us want to see happen, and... here's my problem. Or rather there it is right there...

All of this "us" and "we" stuff. I still care about her very deeply. I still care about her so deeply that I genuinely still love her. Be that as it may, though, I need to look at things as they are, in a very practical way, and realize the only way I'm going to be happy, and she's going to be happy, is take a step back, accept that we're just friends, and most importantly accept that though I still care about her, I have to leave her life to her. It wouldn't be the same if she didn't talk to me about her life, just like I still want to talk to her about mine - to date, she's the only one who has seen pictures of my packaged-up bunny - but being so invested to the point where it's like we are still together is something I can't do. I want to be a part of her life. I want to be able to continue to do things to surprise her like back on Tuesday night when I went to Giant Tiger for a box of cat litter that I left on her back porch, and I want to have a day where we can hang out and still do the weirdo and crafty things we were originally planning tonight, but I need to be okay with leaving her alone in the meantime. Just because we can see and talk to each other again doesn't mean my every waking moment should revolve around her. She may well have a major change in her lifestyle coming up, with the new possibility of being awoken by an alarm at night, and she has everything related to going through her belongings and packing stuff up for the sake of getting sprayed again for bedbugs, and Conner going back to school next month, and probably plenty of other stuff, and if there's one thing that belies, it's that I can't go on with expecting that because my days still revolve around her, hers still revolve around me.

But I'm losing my focus now...

I just regret everything about today. I still want to find something productive to do with it, for myself, but even though it's only now 10 after 7, I want to lay down, and sleep and sleep and sleep. I sent her some messages in Skype that were largely a result of talking to Naomi and Dad, and added that I'd still be here on and off throughout the night if she wanted to talk, but after the day she's had, I would not be at all surprised if she just wants to give up and turn in early too.

It just still enrages me so much to think about that decision she has to just accept and deal with or else. If she had to take the lock off his door today, but won't be receiving alarms until tomorrow, what is she supposed to do? Stay up all night to keep an eye on him? I mean... Will somebody please tell me how, even as a friend, *I* am supposed to just be able to say "Oh I'm sorry to hear that good luck with everything"? I care about her, and I worry that as a result of things that have to change, her lifestyle will change in return. I am absolutely not concerned with how that will affect me, but how it's going to affect her, because... I just don't know.

I think the best I can do for now is just try to distract myself, which might as well begin with going downstairs to see what everybody else is having for supper. I honestly don't want to, but I know it needs to happen...