Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

[title to be determined]

If I could describe my feelings tonight in just one sentence, they'd be to the effect that I feel the overwhelming need to change. Everything. Well, maybe not everything, but still a significant part of my life. At first I was looking at how I view having friends. I can't keep up with this outward appearance that I can manage on my own, or at least not without having somewhere to go or someone to talk to when things get really bad. But the problem with that is I don't want to use people that way. I don't want to have friends who I never talk to except when there's something on my mind, and if I did use MSN, for example, leaving them to either initiate most of the conversations, or me to get impatient and upset because nobody's paying / giving me any attention. Although that could be fixed simply by finding somebody who is online, asking "What are you up to?", and seeing where things go from there. It's like I can have one or the other, but whichever one I have, I'll always be wishing for the other. The purely logical thing to do would be combine the two - do all those normal things online or wherever with people I know for one part of the week, and take the rest just to put all that aside and be by myself, so I can rest and recharge and perhaps rant about things that happened those days previous that bothered me about whomever, and keep that up until I either get comfortable with it, or figure out which one I'd rather have.

But the problem there is not having too many people to call a friend or that I would be able to add to whatever IM program. Feathertail would be my first choice, if only because he's been involved in most of this past weekend's events, second Dan Skunk, third, either Kumakehu or Cola (I haven't typed these names in so long...), and fourth, whoever I didn't choose as number three. Just to have a balance, aside from them all being guys, which is just a minor coincidence. Which I like the thought of. If only the idea of asking all of those people "Will you be my friend again?" (or without the "again" in Feathertail's case) wasn't so embarrassing. I don't know. I could completely set aside that feeling and just go for it regardless of how I feel afterward, and I just did for one of those people. Don't know when I'll hear back from them, if at all, but it feels good, for now, to at least be making an attempt to change things. I don't want to just slip back to where I always am (or was) and say "this is the only disadvantage to going it alone" again, so something will change. I'm still trying to decide what though. But also before I go any further, thanks very much to Trevor (a new guy at work who will never see this) for agreeing to take my shift yesterday afternoon. When was the last time I had to take an unscheduled day off from work because I just couldn't function normally? And for reference as to what happened, I wrote this. Read it with caution, because I don't want to cause in anybody else what happened to me, but I think it came out remarkably lucid considering my state of mind at the time.

Then further towards having yesterday afternoon off, I did very little for the first half hour or so - didn't even so much as go downstairs to pour myself some cereal, but then I spent some seven or eight hours sorting through properties for a new theme in here, and making a single change and having to go back and refresh the page again to make sure it looked right, which was made all so much slower by Hotspot Shield (I should be almost done with it), and was just generally mind-numbing. It came to the point where I posted the entry linked to above to take a break from things, and didn't go back to the layout stuff for another couple hours. Even now I have a few pixel-tweaks left to make, but I think it looks good (at least in Firefox [3.6]), and am exceptionally proud of the images in the sidebar. I made all but the one of the paperclip myself, by finding icons online, turning them pink in Paint.NET, adding the border, and fiddling with the positioning until it looked right. Except for the portrait next to my picture up at the top. I added the ears and tail to that one myself, because I didn't want to keep the standard figure appearance. The only problem with the theme on a whole now is that there's no place (except for in each and every entry) to put my StatCounter code, but as LiveJournal has built-in support for Google Analytics, I signed up for that and am now presumably in the 24-hour waiting phase.

But as for everything else, I think I've learned what it feels like to truly be depressed. I've been eating very little for the past several days, tonight included (and only cereal, the no-bake cookies I made, water, and pop at that), my concentration and train of thought is completely off (I can't multitask or switch from one task to the next very well), and I'm tired, shaky, and horribly bored (I haven't been out of the house since coming home from work Sunday morning), and just... yeah. But despite all of that, I sort of like it. There's the strangest feeling of having said this before, but I like only being able to look up. Or sideways, but definitely not further down. Mind you that isn't quite the same now that some time has passed (I could go back "down" to being alone again), but it's largely an interesting feeling. And also, thanks entirely to not eating much, have lost some weight. Last time I stepped on my scale I was ~175, which is the lowest I've seen / been thus far. Now if only I can stay there once I get back to work and resume my usual activities, but I will try. Also as an afterthought, what's especially surprising about it is how I haven't been keeping track of what I eat for at least a month and a half now. Although I'd rather think of that as working to my benefit, because as yet, it hasn't been any harm. Then in general the trend / feeling I noticed back when I first met Squnq and Kumakehu and started down the path of becoming who I am today is present this time as well. It may not be the most appropriate word to use in this context, but my days off are legendary. And / or life-changing.

This has gone on long enough though. If I can stay in this state of mind for the next couple days I may try to write some more things of the same nature to discuss how I was in the past, to how I am now or was recently, to what I want to change to be, but not yet. I just (literally just) received a reply to that message, so that gives me something else to do~

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