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My Concentration is Returning

I know what I need to do today. I need to respond to a couple commission-related emails and get back to people about what I want, but I'm so used to writing an entry first thing in the afternoon, if not before I go to bed, that it feels weird to go directly to something else. But it's kind of odd to think about that in the first place. Surely I shouldn't have to post an entry every single day, but I like to and feel an obligation to myself to do so even on days where I can't think of anything specific to write about, but after the past couple days I wonder if this is one of the things that's preventing me from changing. You could argue for "Yes", by saying that for as long as I write about my day in here I'm not telling friends about it and not making any progress toward changing who I am, but at the same time, until I have a fair list of people to talk to, at least one at any given point throughout the day, I don't think I could stop. Which makes it a dependency, in a way, but this is a journal. It's something that should be written in on a regular basis. Mind you there is one thing to change about it, being that I shouldn't be so reluctant to write about certain topics (there are some I still flat-out won't discuss with anybody [as I said over on Dreamwidth, sexual things, for example]), but I want to change that.

So in such light, quite possibly the most important thing I'll be doing today is reading one of the stories Feathertail wrote that freaked me out in the first place. There are only two parts to it, so it shouldn't take that long to read, and as much as I'd like to wait until Dan Skunk is back online (he's the one I added to my MSN / Pidgin list) so I can say "I'm doing this, but I don't know how it'll work out, so I just want to know you're here so we can talk if need be", that won't work. I don't want to be completely dependent on other people to help me with these things, and at this point just having read it will be an accomplishment. I'll never be able to move on from this specific incident until I do so, and I also have a second story in the works (with a different author) which will deal with the past several years of my life - the "new" me hanging out with friends and still letting his emotions get the better of him, to being alone for a while and the problems that came up with that (minor problems taking longer to get over because I couldn't talk about them with anybody), to something really bad happening (representing this past weekend), and from there realizing that attitude and lifestyle really wasn't maintainable, and wanting / needing to change it. At first I thought there would be nothing to write a story about, and was worried I'd sent the author money / discussed things with them unnecessarily, but over the past couple days I've found more and more reasons to believe I do have the makings of a decent continuation. And I say "believe" only because I still have to hear back from them about this form they sent and whether I'm expected to fill out everything on it, or if I'm able to say "This has to happen, and these people might be involved, but I'd like you to come up with how." I don't think it's an unreasonable point of view, as surely being specific down to the very last detail would mean I could just as easily write the story myself. Mind you, I'd be going into over-thinking things if I got any more specific, but that's generally where it stands.

Unfortunately, one particular part of the above touches on the significant downside to the past couple days. I've spent an awful lot of money all at once - $200 on commissions (5 pictures and the aforementioned story), ~$40 on a leopard-spotted blanket that was on eBay which I thought looked cool, and another $40 sent off to try and make up for the mistake I made on Friday night / Saturday morning. Which isn't bad, per se, because I shouldn't be down to less than $900 yet, but I almost certainly won't be buying an external drive this week. Maybe, maybe, when holiday pay for Thanksgiving is added in, but I still have a game or something or other to buy for Adam, Manoah to compensate for letting Trevor take my shift on Sunday (which could be as inexpensive as a treat from Tim Hortons though), Mom to give gas money to, $50 to load onto my Visa to pay for the internet (which at least gets me $10 from both Adam and Naomi in return), and I think that might be it. Even with those though, I think I might go to 7-11 tonight. If not read that story and then get out of the house for a while to take a walk and go there afterward, but I just don't know yet. One of the other things I want to change now is not effectively living out of my room, which I plan to start with simply by finding something to do downstairs every other day or so for now (making bread, playing Super Mario Galaxy 2, possibly even Okami, Tales of Symphonia, or Tales of the Abyss again, going for a walk, etc.), because that is a large part of my problem. If I didn't spend entire days at a time staring at my laptop I wouldn't run into half of these things that bother me so much (and even then, when I did I'd have other things to do to get them off my mind), but instead of a radical one-day-and-everything-is-different change, which I don't think I could take, I'll start with something easy like every other day or so. Until I'm able to work out a balance of the two.

So in the meantime for today, I have some things to start copying over to my external drive (another season of Doctor Who and the first two seasons of Top Chef - it may not be as "nice" as Iron Chef America, but I do like these cooking shows <3), and a story to read. And I still haven't eaten breakfast yet, but in my defense it feels like I've only just started the day, and there's still plenty of time. Of course, I still have emails to compose and dishes to wash, but all in all that gives me quite enough to do~

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