Meanwhile, Joshua is on his way out the door. Or possibly other window, but he's trying to get away, and along the way smells food or something that catches his attention, and from there, somehow finds his way over to another house (or it may be the same one the food smell was coming from), where he can hear somebody talking. Either to themselves, or to a group of people, but this person is talking about how they feel about themselves. How they realize their life is a mess - apparently they were born female, became male by methods unmentioned, and from there, became an anthro as well, which Joshua notices as he gets closer to the window. But then this person (going by the name of Lawrence) wraps up his speech, and starts going through the cupboard for knives. He finds one and leaves the house, getting into his vehicle and either not going anywhere or driving for a bit then stopping off on the side of the road. Either way, he stops, says a prayer, and points the knife at his chest while saying something like "I'm sorry, God". Then Joshua starts scratching and "yipping" at the window to get his attention, and it works. Lawrence stops what he's doing, and the next thing I can remember after that, is introducing himself to Joshua, from where Lawrence's friends thank Joshua for intervening. Then there's also another bit after that about how one of Lawrence's friends did roughly the same thing before - ended their life, and how their preacher explained that people who died that way didn't go to hell, but instead would find God waiting to comfort them in the afterlife.
Which, all in all, is still kind of dark and deserves something more than a "Reader discretion advised" warning, but isn't even close to what I was thinking it was. Based on the preview, I thought that story would essentially be what I went and am still going through in real life, except with somebody else as the main character, and I couldn't handle that thought. Not only did it really, really push against my desire to be unique (which I am trying to tone down too), but it was much too unstable. With my thoughts about that / those topics, I know exactly what I'm thinking, and as such am mostly comfortable with thinking about it, but to see somebody else talking about the same things was, at the moment, unbearable. I didn't know how far they'd take it, or exactly how they felt, so my only response was to panic and screw everything up. Mind you, I've been working to get "everything" back to normal lately, and it mostly is, but my entire reason for overreacting was based on an assumption, and I only wish I had Pidgin installed and somebody to talk to about it then, but didn't, and the past weekend happened. Like, it's different. It is completely different. I would never do what Joshua and Lawrence were thinking of just because somebody else told me I should feel a certain way if I transformed. In my story, transforming is a good thing. Or at least an okay thing. In other peoples' stories, it might be something they're disgusted with, but that's where the distinction between mine and theirs comes in. And also, yes, I did glaze over alot of it. I read some parts in their entirety, and skipped others because they didn't seem important, but all in all I think I have a fair understanding of it now. Enough at least to realize my fear and worry was unfounded.
My only concern with this though (wanting to change) is that one of the reasons I want to is that I like the feeling. I like how it feels to do something new, but surely I'll become used to it after a certain point, and what happens then? Maybe that's what the some days on, some days off approach will fix. And if I do get too comfortable, I can always ask myself why. But not yet though, so instead I will switch over to working on the outline for my next story commission, or go downstairs to wash the dishes. Still more than enough to do, so it's good that I have all night~
