Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

I Always Need More Space

Bother this. My Seagate drive (the one with all the TV shows and movies I've downloaded) has less than 45GB of free space, and once I move these other shows over (Top Chef and The Outer Limits) will be closer to 35GB. It was inevitable, sure, but it seems like there's less and less space every time I look at it.

But for right now, I am writing in here again not to talk about that, but to mull over some potential concern that came to mind while I was washing dishes. Among the other things I did on Saturday / Sunday to keep myself busy, I went looking around Wikipedia to see what page would describe me best that time. One of the results that seemed to fit was Bipolar Disorder, but I didn't want to consider it, because it seemed much too serious. I would have to scrape and claw forever to gather enough reasons to believe that I had (or have) a genuine mood disorder, so while some of the symptoms may have matched, I didn't give it much thought. Until earlier tonight, when the "manic" and "hypomanic episode" headings on that page came back to mind. If there's anything to describe my state of mind the past couple days, that'd be it. I haven't been able to think straight, and I could barely wash dishes because of all the thoughts running through my head. Things like being worried that Feathertail doesn't / didn't understand what I was trying to tell him about how I felt, and how I'd both like to explain my exact thought process from beginning to end, but also how I couldn't do that because if anything it'd just screw everything up again, for one. I want to tell somebody "This is exactly how I felt". I want somebody to really understand why I freaked out, and exactly what the words "freaked out" mean in this context, but at the same time I don't because I want / need to stop worrying so much about how other people see me as well. I don't want to become the type of person who constantly moans "Nobody understands how I feel!" True as that statement may be, unless I were to be specifically asked, I have no reason to force that on other people.

The other thoughts were more minor, such as "What if this is really just a (hypo)manic episode, and it's just a matter of time until I go back to how I used to be?" I like feeling this way. I like the thought that I'm in control of my life being first and foremost on my mind at all times. I like this feeling of actually working to change, but I don't like the idea that it's only a matter of time until I either become used to it or go back to generally being / feeling "blah". I don't want to feel that way, but fear it's going to happen eventually, regardless of what I do, and that would mean I'm no longer in control. On the other side though, constantly feeling good and energetic as I have been since yesterday evening could eventually become too much of a good thing. Maybe feeling "blah" is normal, and I need to work on improving how I think and feel and what I do during those times. I can already feel myself coming down from writing this too. The world is starting to seem more normal, and I think this is how I felt last week before everything started, but I still want that euphoric, excited feeling back. It isn't gone for good though, so I think all it'll take is giving myself a reason to feel that way.

Consider having posted three different entries today. That's unusual for me. Last time I did something remotely close was back when Cola and I were just getting to know each other, and something came up for him. I remember posting six entries that day, at least one of which was private, and even though three is only half of that, it just goes to show the ability to feel that way and do those things isn't completely gone. But speaking of LiveJournal though, I don't think I mentioned this before, and have decided to make a change on here as well. It's one I've been thinking about for a little while, but at any rate, I need to stop writing entries in hopes that if I say a certain thing or write a certain way, somebody will leave a comment (and / or pawprint, because I still like that way of saying it enough to have incorporated it into this theme as well). When I first created this journal it was a place where I could get anything and everything off my chest, or off my mind, or otherwise talk about whatever I wanted to. Without worrying about length, or offending somebody with what I wrote (with exceptions made for things I felt bad about writing, but couldn't think of any other way to deal with), or wondering what would happen if somebody I knew in real life found and took an active interest in this. How many times have I mentioned Josh's name in here, and he still doesn't know about it. Or Naomi. She was and possibly still is aware of its existence, but as yet nothing has come from that (aside from her responding to what I said a while ago about thinking she'd stolen one of my tails). I need to do away with this self-consciousness and unfounded worry. Which I hope I've accomplished. That doesn't mean protected and private entries still won't have their uses (see this entry, or consider the words "Christmas gift ideas"), but I'd like to stop writing them just because I'm afraid of what somebody else might say if they saw it.

At any rate, I have may things to still do tonight. I have washed the dishes, but not written / sent any emails, and on top of that I have to think about options for Mom's birthday, since it's next Wednesday. Apparently Dad plans on "treating her like royalty" on Saturday, but would still like to see us get a cake and pizza or something for supper on Wednesday together. Maybe I could just make another one of the cakes I'm known for lately, but my first thought was actually going to Sobeys or Real Canadian Superstore and getting one that looked fancy and nice. I don't want to get stuck paying for everything again though, so I'll discuss it with Adam either later tonight or tomorrow, and maybe see what Naomi thinks when I see her next as well. But for now, I have emails to write~

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