Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

Sure Doesn't Take Long

First instance of taking a break, I think. I just closed Pidgin and tidied up my desktop at the same time, and now I should be on my way out to 7-11, but as soon as I finished with my emails and started thinking about getting ready, I lost all interest to. It almost feels like I have something to be unhappy about, but I can't think of anything. In fact, the only item I'm uncomfortable with at the moment is discussing the details of my next story with Feathertail, but that's only because he's the only other writer I know of right now. I value his thoughts and everything, but quite honestly, I just want to be done with him. I am though, for at least a day or two. The next step with this story is to work out a complete list of what I would have happen from beginning to end, and send it to the new author for them to look over, along with the same for Feathertail, but I don't want to right now. I want to write this, so I can work myself back up into a state of wanting to go out for snacks again, and then just take a night off where I don't do anything but eat and watch Home Improvement, because I've been working my way through those again recently. But just... yeah. I feel what was previously referred to as "blah" again. Not bad, but not good, which isn't good, because then I'm much more likely to think about the bad things, and that's never a good way to go.

Such as I wish I could ask him to forgive me again (he already has, once). I wish I could ask him to say "I understand, and I'm not holding it against you", but do you know why that wouldn't work? I'd feel better for as long as my good mood lasted, and as soon as it started slipping again, I would once again be seeking his understanding. And I won't do that, for obvious reasons, but as this is only day two of trying to change, I don't know what else to do. I can feel the same thoughts that I was having before (as in back on the weekend) slipping in again though, and they're somewhat comforting - somewhat familiar, but at the same time I periodically remind myself "These aren't good thoughts to be thinking". Although maybe it's better that I "allow them in". Pushing them aside is only going to delay the inevitable and make the next occurrence worse, but... yeah. That's how my night is going now. I think I might not go out anyways. There are brownies downstairs, and I still have exactly six of my cookies left and pop as well, plus I can always stop at 7-11 on the way home from work tomorrow if I feel like it then, but for tonight, maybe not. I still have things to do, and failing those, things to watch, so we'll see shortly. I still have plenty to do here that doesn't involve the internet. But going back to the above again for a moment, I see the mistake I'm making. I'm still assuming he, if not other people know exactly why the story referenced earlier frightened me. And from there, I'm assuming that in his case alone he doesn't seem to be very interested in my proposal for his assistance with my next story. Who am I to assume that though? Who am I to assume that because I don't feel the same after finishing reading the message as I did starting it that he intended for it to have that effect? How long will this keep up? Seriously, I should learn to be happy with the fact that we're still talking after that whole mess at all. If he seems to be somewhat more reserved, then maybe he actually is, but it is completely, utterly, 100% impossible for things to be like they were before. It just can't happen, but I haven't yet re-conditioned my mind to think that way.

I still don't want to go out to 7-11 though, so I'm off to get a couple brownies from the kitchen. Maybe after that I can have my plot-list mostly done by bedtime~

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