Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

This is What I've Been Hiding

I have several different things to write about tonight, and all in a special somewhat celebratory entry, because this'll be the 2,000th one I've posted. Not that I have any special plans though. Balloons and cake and streamers come to mind as an amusing but carried away possibility, but what I actually did was just went to 7-11 and Tim Hortons. Fairly standard, but I'm feeling better tonight for other reasons as well, and I'll get to exactly what I mean by that throughout the course of this entry.

a] Depression, of a Variety I've Never Faced Before
First of all, I'd like to think I've mostly worked through these things now. I talked with Feathertail on MSN for a bit earlier tonight, which was if nothing else an awkward conversation thanks to neither of us really understanding the other, but it was very, very much a relief to tell somebody about the things that were on my mind. Things I first wasn't comfortable with talking to anybody else about but him, but that I will get around to mentioning in here eventually, just so they're out in the open and I have a real, proven reason to want to work towards improving myself. At any rate, the first problem within this grouping of things that happened recently came about because of envy. That's a word I've been throwing around an awful lot lately, but it does explain my feelings of inadequacy and anger and sadness every time I see somebody else mentioning snow leopards, for example, or every time I see something somebody else has (like a user picture on here) that I really like. Instead of just saying "I really like that" or "A snow leopard. Cool", my mind is filled with all these thoughts about how whatever they have or are doing is vastly superior to anything I have in comparison. To give another example, I have a tattoo of snow leopard spots on my back. How many other people can claim the same thing? Only a handful, I would hope, but despite that, if I see an icon next to somebody else's name that I like, my tattoo doesn't matter anymore. They have something I don't and that I like, which makes them superior to me no matter what else I may have. Enough with these examples though. Envy, as I just described, was the reason I flipped out after seeing the preview of Feathertail's newest story that said something like "You're a horrible person and deserve to die". Regardless of whether or not that's fair or true, it's the exact way I've felt about myself in the past whenever I chose to part ways with a friend on bad terms or without their knowing. It's something I tried to keep to myself, obviously, but when I saw that it was like somebody had suddenly ripped everything that makes me unique out of my hands.

Aside from being somewhat calm at first and trying to justify it, I quickly flew into a rage, which turned into dark, brooding depression before I even left for work. That night and the close to follow were not pleasant experiences. I was able to do my work, yes, but I kept switching back and forth between wanting to just run out of the place screaming, and eventually thinking that all I needed to do was ask Feathertail to take my story down when I got home. That way I'd be disconnecting myself from the things that made me angry and upset, so I took what little solace was available in that, until my thoughts drifted over to the preview again, and I'd be back to wearing a huge frown, and, at a few select moments, looking like I was about to cry. I did though. I came home, wrote him a pointed email saying I didn't like how his newest story sounded at all and would like mine removed because of that, and told him a couple additional things that will be described more thoroughly in a moment. That was immediately followed up by blocking his email address (or rather creating a filter to just mark any more messages from him as read and archive them, along with banning his accounts from commenting both on here and on my Dreamwidth account, but that was all rendered utterly useless by my curiosity. I had to check back. I had to see if he replied, and sure enough he did, with a "comeback", if you will, that destroyed all my carefully-worded reasoning and made me doubly depressed, both for the situation with envy, and also for realizing that I'd been wrong / had, in a way, let my emotions affect somebody / something else. I don't wish to dwell on that any more but to say I eventually did get back into contact with him and paid another $40 to have my story put back up, which it has and hopefully will remain. Apparently, despite it being my story I'm no longer allowed to request any additional changes to it, but whatever. The copy on his sites is already imperfect. The style of my thoughts shifts halfway throughout the story, and there are a couple more small errors I've noticed now that I've been working on putting it into BookSmart.

What is relevant now, however, is my emotional state after that. Despite being an overly-used word to describe how I was feeling, I was in deep turmoil. I didn't know what to do, but after finally hearing back from him and having my story un-hidden (for it was never really removed in the first place), I shot up to being in bliss instead, which is where those couple days of posting three or four entries within a twenty-four hour period came in. I was ecstatic. My mistake had been forgiven, and everything was as it should be again, but then I got the bright idea that because I felt like I could do anything, I should read that new story. It seemed like the perfectly reasonable thing to do at the time, and looking back now I am somewhat glad I read it or I would still feel the nagging urge to, but ultimately I freaked out about a story centered around sexuality and religion. An extremely dark story considering the events it describes, but quite possibly not something I would care about when in a normal state of mind. I wasn't though, so when that happened the part of me that was concerned about that story was momentarily satisfied, and gave way to the part that was still brooding about my envy and freaking out. Brooding to the point that I seriously thought about killing myself, and might have if it wasn't for having a brief talk with Feathertail about the matter and that putting me in a decent enough mood that I could write an entry about all the little things in life that I took pleasure from - cuddling with the cats, having more than enough money when I want to go shopping, dreaming about snow leopards or other big cats - the list is fairly long, and I might actually make it public, since it'd be fairly silly not to anymore. Seriously though, it wasn't just an idle "I deserve to die". It was actually "I'm tired of feeling like this" and "This method would work but it'd be messy, and this one might fail but it would be clean and tidy...". I don't want to scare anybody with that, and comments have been screened to that effect (if you want to talk, I'm more than willing, but please send me an email instead), but just... I've been there once before in my entire life, and that was more from a "I don't really want to do this, but can't think of any other options" point of view. Kind of calming at first, surprisingly, but the underlying depression remained, and I had the same thoughts (of suicide, that is) at least three more times between then and now, but I am still here, despite all of that.

I actually found and read this pertinent article at random earlier tonight, and it did help me put things into perspective some. Still though, for the past several days I've been going back and forth between wanting attention and wanting to talk to somebody about all of this to being glad I hadn't yet because then I'd be really embarrassed and probably have created a few new problems for myself, but as noted way up at the beginning of this, I talked to Feathertail in MSN (which I have now as well, at this address, if anybody is interested, but be warned it's a new experience for me because I'd like to try doing things differently, but literally don't know the difference between, say, what is acceptable to have an issue with somebody about and what isn't, so be patient), which was exactly what I needed for the first little bit, but then I started growing unhappy again, and realized what the problem was shortly after forcing myself to step outside and walk to 7-11 and Tim Hortons for some snacks. For the past several days to a couple weeks (I've completely lost track), I've either been posting protected entries about the things I felt were safe to write in here, or not at all, and given that I'm at 2,000 entries with this one, posting to LiveJournal is very ingrained into my daily routine, to the point of being an addiction. While it may feel better to keep things between the friends I have on here (for any of them who read my entries, that is) most times, it makes me very antsy and irritable when I don't write about what's going on in here, and given the other things that have been on my mind recently, I automatically assumed my anger and depression and going back and forth was related to those. Some of it is, sure, but I've gone as far as I can talking to Feathertail or posting over on Dreamwidth. In our chat earlier tonight, he actually said that I was looking for help he couldn't give, and that that wasn't fair to either of us. While I definitely prefer to err on the side of caution and say he only might be correct, that's true. He doesn't have to understand everything about what happened, but I didn't know who or what else to turn to at the time.

And yes, yes, I realize that's sort of ridiculous of me to say, given that there are four other people living in this house who I could talk to, but I didn't want to, for obvious reasons. Although Adam was still awake when I went out to 7-11 earlier, and the thought did pass through my mind to ask "Can I talk to you?", but he's even less likely to understand what's going on than Feathertail is. I also had the same thought as I was walking across the street though. Last time George was here we went to 7-11 and I told him about how I walked out to the Tim Hortons on Bloomfield once before, and would like to again but hadn't since, and he told me, probably just as much in passing, that we had plenty of time, and I sort of laughed it off. But tonight I was thinking that's a very real option and possibly a good one to pick. We have at least one close coming up, and to walk out there would give us at least two hours to talk. By the time said close comes I probably won't want to though, but it's a nice thought. Sort of like back when I was getting depressed over Dragon Realms and was thinking about talking to Josh about what was going on when I went up to London for the sleepover that we were planning. Ultimately though, the only reason I'd ever do that is to hopefully make somebody else concerned enough that they'd truly want to help, to the point of not leaving me alone until I was better, and maybe even seek professional help on my behalf. I don't want that though, which is a bit of a change from my previous opinion of really not wanting to do that. All I'd want is something to make the suicidal feelings go away. Leave me the depression and worry and angst to obsess over, because I'd feel empty otherwise. Maybe I should consider it though. Or at least talk to Doctor Leigh and tell him all of this and see what his thoughts are. Quite frankly, I think I can manage on my own. Feathertail, on the other hand has told me "Please listen to what you are saying and get help. You need it.", and I feel somewhat obligated to do that so if he asks again, I can say that I'm doing something.

But just to clarify, I do not want to kill myself right now. All I want is to put this whole mess behind me and go back to my life as it was before, but I've been saying that for at least a week, so I'm not sure it carries the same weight or emphasis as it once did.

Oh, and perish the thought of Naomi reading through this. It would be fun in a perverse way to see the outcome, but if Feathertail doesn't understand me (apparently I and my writings are "alien" to him, which I do take a certain amount of delight in), my family is even less likely to without a week's worth of talking and telling them everything that led me up to this point.

That's where I've been though. And yes, I do very much agree with what I said in a previous entry about hypomania or whatever being fun at first, but after the first day, is a terrifying thing to experience. In the end, maybe it's better that I was so depressed instead of constantly swinging back and forth...

b] Candy is Better After Halloween
It goes without saying the rest of these will be shorter than the above, but I did it this year. Yesterday night I went out to Real Canadian Superstore, and walked home with four boxes and a bag of candy, along with chocolate chips for cookies and bacon ranch dressing to put on subs I get from 7-11 <3 Now, before Halloween that would've cost at least $40, but after? Each box was less than $4, and if they still have a fair selection on Thursday, I might end up buying some more. Yeah, I'll have enough candy to last until next Halloween if I portion it out properly, but I ended up starting into a chat with Dan Skunk as soon as I got home, and eventually got his advice to "Put them away, in your stomach" <3 Take a look at the picture though. That is, including the bag, almost 280 pieces of candy, which I showed and told him eventually, only to get "Don't eat it all! Don't eat it all!" and "Snowkitty asplode. :s" instead. Yes indeed, but setting aside the cookies I plan to eventually make (oatmeal chocolate chip, instead of the no-bake cookies that have become boring of late), I'll definitely bring some of that to work. Maybe mid-winter once Halloween and Christmas are well past, and candy becomes more of a special treat instead of something you'd expect to find around that time of year.

Speaking of Christmas though, if and when I have a little money to spare, I would like to get Dad a rechargeable flashlight. Nothing fancy, but he was on a sort of tirade earlier about how somebody removed the one that's normally in the kitchen, so getting him one of his own would be a nice, humorous thing to do. And now that I remember, I also plan to get at least one of the games Adam wants on Thursday. I still don't know if I'll actually give him one for a birthday present, but where Christmas is concerned, he's the only person I still have to get an actual gift for. Then once December comes I can start looking around for smaller food-related things to get everybody, but for the moment all I can be is excited and eager and just a little bit impatient as well.

c] Updates On the Many Commissions I Have Going
I'm not sure how much of this bears mentioning, but with everything item a talks about, I've completely lost track of what commissions I have on the go and who I should contact to ask for an update, so let's consult the list. My commission from Evelein, which is the very first (tastefully) nude one I'm having done, is about halfway complete. The background was partly done in the last update I got, and I'm not sure when I can next expect to hear from her, but that commission is the one I've had on the go the longest, out of what I'm going to mention here tonight. It's been in progress since March of last year, and I really don't mind the wait because I just got an update from her recently, but I'm still wondering if we'll reach the one year mark before it's finished. Anyways, commission two is these new icons I have on the go. Last I heard from the artist drawing those, they hoped to have them done by the end of November, and I do have one completed icon already, but am actually hoping to have streaks added to my hair in it to match that addition I've decided to make recently. Commission 3 is actually five different pictures, and I bought it / them entirely in hopes that having new commissions to focus on would take my mind off the above-mentioned depression, but it didn't, and I will still find some way to use them anyways. I already gave the artist an idea for the first, and am pretty sure two more slots will be used for birthday and Christmas-themed pictures, but as for the other two, well, maybe more of the same tasteful nudity / risque things? I'm really finding I don't have as many inhibitions about that anymore. Especially when viewed from the "Real animals are always 'naked', so..." angle. Whatever the case though, we'll see. At any rate, counting all the slots, once I pay for the newest auction I "bought" on Furbid, I'll be up to having 23 commissions coming eventually. Twenty-three. Am I obsessed with art? Yes, but the way I see it, the artists get money and I get more art, so everybody wins <3

d] Heart and Stroke Still Doesn't Want Me
Just something quick and short to end on. It's November now, and very soon we'll officially be three days into the month (assuming each day starts at ~8am), but Michele still hasn't emailed me. No word, no "Sorry to keep you waiting", no "You could come in to do other work around the office, but I assumed you'd rather stay off until P2P starts", or anything else of the sort. I am getting just the tiniest bit more than annoyed right now, but still, it feels a bit wrong to think of rushing her. Maybe I should at least ask if anything has changed yet, and explain my near-constant anticipation so she can give me a more specifically purposed reply. We'll see.

Anyways though, I like how this started off, but it's now ten to seven in the morning so I can't think to say anything else with the same level of clarity and detail. Just... this makes 2,000 entries, which is kind of special. To think this started as a place I posted at to get away from other places that had become depressing to me, and is now something I couldn't live without. Or maybe I'm being far too grandiose, but it's worth noticing anyways, and it feels decidedly good to have said what I did with such timing. Let's find out what'll happen with the next thousand~

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