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I'm Definitely Not Wrong

I really don't want to start off with something that makes or at least previously made me angry, but as the title says, it's one of the few things I know I'm right about. To begin, let's go back to when I was right in the middle of having my first story written by Feathertail. One afternoon (or evening or night) he sent me a message to say there was an artist offering a free picture to anybody who commissioned a story from him. Skip ahead to when my story was complete and we were just exchanging parting words, and I finally told him (Feathertail) what I wanted my picture to show, assuming he'd pass that information along to the artist. As it would turn out though, he replied to say he was "afraid the artist would have to skip the free picture" that time, and I mostly shrugged it off, because I couldn't rightly get upset about something being offered for free getting taken away from me. Got that so far? Feathertail said the artist would have to skip giving me the picture, in which the implication is that the artist is the one who made that decision. And now you might be able to see where this is going.

Skip ahead again several months, up to last night when we were chatting in MSN. I asked why I wasn't allowed to get the free picture in the end, and his answer, paraphrased, was "My girlfriend and I inferred from your LJ entries and the fact that the cover for your book was taking so long to complete that you would be just as picky with the details of the picture as you were with the writing of the story." Yeah. Inferred. Nice of you to make assumptions and decisions on my behalf. The only reason I was so fussy with the story is because I write alot. Not stories, of course, but writing is something I know. It's something I can take and tweak and tweak again until it's fully polished and something I'm proud to show other people. And if that wasn't enough, Feathertail himself even admitted that all of my edits made for a better story in the end. I know what I like and don't like, and what sounds good and what doesn't, and I compensated him fairly (or so I thought) at the end, which he seemed more than happy with at the time. Anyways, I'm getting off track. The only reason I was denied the free picture is because he and his girlfriend made assumptions, without even thinking to double check with me to see if those assumptions were correct or not.

Even at that, they aren't. The book cover and now illustrations are taking longer than expected because of computer problems (among others) that the artist is facing. And I have done my best to be understanding. Not once have I said "This is taking way too long. You need to hurry up!", or expressed anything but understanding for the problems they're facing. I know what it's like, from having slowly lost more and more of my ability to focus on things over the past several weeks. I know what it's like to expect to hear back from somebody and not, so I give artists (and even Feathertail, when he was writing my story) as much room as I possibly can to work at their own pace, because ultimately it comes down to getting a finished piece of art that they're happy with, and are happy to give to me, as opposed to rushing them and getting something that may not look as good because they were more concerned with meeting my deadline than doing the best they could with the picture. Seriously, am I the only one who cares about these details? I'm not asking that in a confrontational way, and I know I've asked it at least once before, but there is literally a wealth of information available in each and every second of every single day. You just have to look for it. Or rather, I'm sure most everybody is familiar with how certain things just feel right, and others naturally feel wrong, but have you ever actually taken the time to think about what it was that made you feel that way, and why? As I've mentioned before, psychology is something that's becoming more and more of an interest to me. Not so much "Why does this person feel this way?", but rather "What makes humans tick?" Getting back to what I was originally talking about though, his / their decision was provably unfair, but I still didn't know if they actually contacted the artist to get their decision as well, so I did just that - contacted the artist to see if I could still get the commission - when I got home tonight.

His response? The free picture offer is still available, and I am very much allowed to redeem my "ticket". Just for clarification as well, I don't intend to fuss or pick at the image until it's perfect. I plan to tell the artist what I want, and not hear from them again until the picture is complete. Seriously, it's free, and free in this case means the artist is free to draw the scene however they like, as long as I am depicted in it. And I might also ask to get the sketch at the end as well, if there is one, but that's only because I'd like to have it as well.

In the end though, you might ask why I'm still in contact with Feathertail if I'm only having problems with him lately. As of earlier tonight I put a stop to that too. Any more messages sent to him - aside from those in direct reply to any emails he may send - between now and when the illustrations for the book are done will cost me one hundred dollars each. Yeah. There are so many things I wish I could still say or ask, and I have at least one somewhat reasonable theory as to why we're at such odds these days, but I'm done with this. It had come to the point where I was more worried about how he'd respond to my emails than what he might do if any of them rubbed him the wrong way, but I'm not going to go there. I might write about those things once I've had a chance to get over this and can look back at it with a clear mind, but that's a huge maybe right now. Most of those things seem reasonable, and I feel like I could back them up, but almost all of them have a fair bit of spite or malice attached as well, and I can't separate the two right now.

And as with last night, I'm not looking for pity or understanding by writing this. Trying to make the point to him is like talking to a brick wall though (which once again might sound cruel, but it's the truth), and I had to say this somewhere. At the risk of sounding conceited and like my ego is twice the size of my head, I dislike being lied to, I dislike dishonesty, and I dislike indirectly being told that I'm the one with the problem. Treat me as you'd like to be treated, however (or tell me how you're treating the situation, failing that), and we'll get along fine. This is why I chose to go it alone for a couple years, and am still thinking I can maintain that solitude and have a few friends to talk to in MSN at the same time, but that's beyond what I can think about to write for tonight. Tomorrow is bound to be a busy day, with going grocery shopping and walking home because there are places I need to go along the way, and making cake for Mom and Dad to take to their reunion on Friday, as well as cookies (maybe), if I have enough time and don't want to do anything else, so I need as much sleep as I can get. Last night was good for really interesting dreams (not that I can remember any now), but less so for sleeping, so as with so many other times before, hopefully tonight will be just the opposite. Except with okay dreams, or none at all~

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