What I do have interest in tonight, however, is starting to see the things I've been writing about over the past couple days in a different light. Not necessarily more objective or more fair, but from the point of view of being somewhat calmed down now and being able to look back with a mostly clear mind. I was wrong to say some of the things I did, even in a protected entry. They make perfect sense to me, and yes, if I made the rules I'd make sure they were followed, but I don't, so I can't. The only things I do still stand by are what I said about that free commission, and the double standard regarding getting help, both of which I mentioned in my previous entry. Mind you, that doesn't help me to be any more okay with what happened, or feel any less disgust and intense pain when I think back to everything about what this started with, but I've been there before, and while this instance is mostly similar, there are enough differences to prevent me from realizing it as such. Plus this time I still have reason to contact the other party eventually, but like I said before, there's a pretty good chance even when I do they won't receive the message. But then again, I don't know if I'm starting to over-analyze things or not. I want to find a way to blame everything entirely on myself, because then it's easier to work through in the end, and while I can see more ways to do that than blame the other person for what happened, I can't shake the feeling that it isn't fair. All I can say for now is I've been considering one more idea. Wait until I have calmed down and have to look back at least a couple months to remember these events, then send the other party an actual letter. If I still want to, that is, but I dislike trying to convey emotion in IMs just as much as I do in emails. I know what I mean, but in order to tell the other person the same thing I have to make it sound way over the top. Or something. I'm also really quite tired at the moment, easily more than when I started writing this entry.
As such, I think I'll be done a couple paragraphs early and go to bed. I'd like some time to think about these things with a more-clear mind, and it is, from one way of looking at it, almost 8 in the morning, so this is quite early enough. I'll sort all these things out and stop writing about them sooner or later, but sleep comes first, and then I have all of tomorrow off to think and write about whatever I like~
