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Writing is So Fickle

Third time restarting this today, because I clearly can't maintain a train of thought past getting up to go to the bathroom and coming back again. Something interesting happened most recently though - Dad gave me two sticks of RAM, which I assume must go with this fairly ancient looking laptop I came home to find next to my door last night. There's a note attached to the top which says it's mine to do whatever I like with, but thus far I have no idea how to use it or if it's even any good, because it didn't come with a power cord, and I'd be surprised if the battery still holds a charge, assuming there's a battery in it at all. From the looks of the license sticker on the back it has a pre-XP version of Windows installed (probably 98), but I can't tell for sure because some brilliant person placed a smaller sticker containing the username and password right on top of it. But yes. That was the most of my excitement yesterday, along with a blanket-like thing I bought on eBay. It has sleeves and a pocket though, and is mostly alright, if a bit short and I just know it'll never feel as soft again as it does now. And also, I think I've finally passed the threshold of seeing anything with leopard spots on it as being a must-have item. I happened to notice the same pattern on Sheila's steering wheel cover at work yesterday afternoon, and my first thought was "Wow, that's tacky". Yes, there are many exceptions to that statement, such as the blanket(s) I have and mattress cover I'm sitting on right now, but I need to back off from this somewhat myself. They're animals. Not a material resource to be exploited. Although in the case of snow leopards, are something that should be treated with a certain amount of reverence. At least for me <3

Weirdness on my part aside though, I have a couple things of interest to note today, starting with an update regarding Heart and Stroke. I emailed Michele on Sunday, and woke up to find this reply the following morning:

I will be needing your services but not until Feb and hoping you can give me 2 – 3 days for the next few months to work in P2P STAR module. My responsibilities in this module starts when the kits come back in to the office from our campaign. It’s up to Kit our P2P Coordinator to manage the data now and get it ready for me then.

Our Christmas party is scheduled for Thursday Dec 16 from noon to 2pm at the Chatham Breakfast House and Grill by Teppermans on Grand Ave. Let me know if you are able to attend.. hope you can.

I'm still not sure whether not being required until February is a promotion or demotion. One one hand, I'll be working on one specific task that I finished before any of the other offices last year, and on the other, I'm no longer needed to make up flyers (such as one "advertising" the Christmas party) or do other menial and repetitive tasks around the office. Not that I miss the latter - stamping envelopes and such, but it feels kind of weird. As for the Christmas party though, I will do everything in my power to attend this year's. Not only does the restaurant look like a more upscale place, but I like to think I'm beyond worrying about embarrassing the other volunteers with my tail and ears. Screw that. Kit was being enough of an embarrassment the year before last complaining about her sandwich, and it'd be fun to see Tryphena and her mom there this year. Plus I could very well walk out there and back home too (setting aside the fact that it starts at noon), because it's just a short distance out past Michener, and I've been out that way countless times before.

As for the second item, I'm not quite as sure whether or not I want to write about it anymore, as it involves being depressed and I'm in a fairly stable state right now, but what the hell.

Mood swings, for one. Yesterday was positively ridiculous for those, because I was awake for all of twelve, maybe thirteen hours, and still noticed a change in my mood at least seven times. The best was during the last hour of my shift, when I was tasked with rotating stock for the order but couldn't get to it because Manoah was out having a smoke leaving me to take orders. That, along with the other things that were on my mind, had me on the very edge of losing it - snapping, and breaking down right where I stood. Thankfully, he had come back in by that point and I'd finished rotating the dry stock, so with the feeling of an impending breakdown (I don't like using that word, but I'm not sure what else to call it) looming ever closer, I ducked into the walk-in and closed the door behind me so I could be in relative privacy. And the rotated stuff. Cheese, sour cream, beef, etc., and forcibly threw a couple boxes at the back wall in the process. I'm not sure if it helped either, because I was still in a mood when I came out and had to make an order with literally the last minute of my shift because George and Manoah were both too busy talking about the safe. Then I went back into the bathroom to change, and while in there looked at myself in the mirror and half-jokingly, half-seriously asked myself if it was really worth it. But then instead of running off out the back door, I left through the front, and in so doing caught Manoah's attention and ended up agreeing to go get a couple things from Tim Hortons for him and James.

I suddenly felt better then. Whether from stepping outside into the fresh air for the first time since 5:00, or from knowing that I had something to do for somebody else, I felt better than I had all night. Aside from, that is, going to Subway and being served by the most unfriendly lady ever. I've seen her there before, but this time she acted like I was inconveniencing her by wanting to place an order. Looking back now, maybe she had been the one out front having a smoke when I walked up, in which case I really should've apologized, but I did my best to be polite as such, and she didn't even offer to toast my subs, much less put on a semblance of a smile throughout the entire order-making process. Sort of like Steve can be, but I am the same way from time to time myself, so it isn't really fair for me to sit here and criticize.

At any rate, the rest of the night went just about as well, up to ~2:30am when the headache I had was too severe and I laid down to go to sleep early. Today has been mostly the same as well. Nothing too good, but nothing really bad at the same time, and I'm starting to sort of see how the way I've been feeling could be due to a chemical imbalance in my brain. I don't like that theory though, because I felt fine "before" (a very, very relative term), so I should be able to feel fine again. If anything, my environment and activity (level and type) are to blame for the severity of this most recent episode. I need to vary my routine, and life in general some, whether that be through spending more time downstairs, or walking home long ways from work again, regardless of having plans to buy snacks or not. I worry far too much lately about needing to have a reason to take a longer route home from work. If I don't have money to go to Tim Hortons or 7-11, there's no point, just the same as if I don't actually need to walk out to, say, Michener for something, there's no point. I need to resume walking just for the fun of it. Walking all the way out to Keil and from there to Park Ave just so I can come home and say "That was a really fun walk", or taking my camera along like I did before and recording the scenery while talking to myself about the things that are on my mind. I'm really surprised I did that so much before, and yet just lost interest one day.

Walking isn't necessarily my only option either, but it seems my best bet at the moment, so tomorrow, well, I'm sorry George, but we won't be going to 7-11 unless you don't mind coming along for a walk. Although that might be an exception right there. One of the items on the list of things I really enjoy was talking to other people, about pretty much anything. Thing is, all George likes to talk about lately is / are his plans to be gone and out of here by January, which inevitably leads to him asking me what sort of plans I have, which makes me predictably unhappy. But maybe that's just what I need. A swift kick in the pants. I shouldn't judge myself based on what other people are doing, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with answering honestly. The worst that'd happen is him realizing it's a fairly sensitive topic, which could be just as, if not more good than bad. I don't want to make excuses for myself or anything, but look at this this way, George. Working at Taco Bell is the first full-time job I've ever had, so I don't think too much about what else I would like to be doing. As for college / furthering my education, I have no interest in going back for computer programming. Not even the tiniest shred, and that's the furthest my thoughts in those areas have progressed. Writing about this also just because exceedingly difficult though, so I'm going to end this cut lest I give up on this draft too.

It looks like I'm done though, because it sounds like there's a cat scratching at my door, and I'm also sure to have a fairly large pile of dishes waiting for me downstairs. It's dark out already too, which still seems really strange, but yeah. Time to go do other things with my day off~