Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

Up to Two People Now

Well I must say that's quite a letdown. Earlier today I noticed somebody had removed me from their friends list. Kumakehu, to be exact, when just last night I was thinking ahead to sending out Christmas cards, and how I might include an extra paragraph or two in his asking if he wouldn't mind trying the letter-correspondence thing again, because it might be a nice way to objectify the more unpleasant parts of my life right now, and get somebody else's opinion without becoming too attached, and yet that opportunity was whisked away no sooner than it came to mind. Yeah, yeah, I realize I still could send him a card to the same effects, but the first thing to be worked out for now is whether or not he sees my message asking why, and from there, whether or not he responds to it and gives me a chance to state my case. Surprisingly though, I find that I just don't have the energy to care. It's kind of appropriate when just last night I had a dream which the theme of led to me laying in bed thinking about yet-to-be-described events for another hour or so. Said events involve friends, and annoyance with other people in that light, but I just... don't really care anymore. All I want is to be left alone on my own with no responsibilities except for those I chose to take on for however long it takes me to figure out where I'm going and what I want to come out of all these ups and downs and extremes in mood I've been experiencing recently. I have one idea thus far - go back to being like I was before, except stronger for it after what I'd been through. It's a perfectly plausible outcome, and I can already feel the most distant events and memories fading away, but yeah.

All the same, if you are on my friends list and object to anything I say when writing entries like these, please don't hesitate to tell me. I'd like nothing more than for somebody else to take an opposing stance and not back down, but mock-arguments are rather impractical, and the one discussion I've had thus far ended because the other person had to leave for "Reasons that are unrelated to the conversation", leaving my only other option to be seeking professional help, and as long as there's even the slightest chance that I can help myself, I'll pick that any day. Or at least any day when I am in this state of mind. It's not lucidity, and I'm fairly certain it isn't hypomania either, but I do feel more clearheaded. It's like I've finally put those past concerns behind me, and, in the case of tonight am looking ahead at what's to come with the same point of view as I did before. I'm looking forward to work, but only because I have cookies to share and tomorrow night off. Aside from that, Manoah and James close, so I'll probably get stuck on drive through yet again with an even bigger pile of dishes waiting for me at the back than there were on Wednesday. But I can expect and anticipate that much, and can also look forward to maybe getting a ride home with Manoah and asking his Mom and Tryphena if they'll be attending Heart and Stroke's Christmas party. And then I also wish George worked tonight so I could apologize for my behavior on Wednesday, but with any luck the new schedule will be up tonight, and I'll be on there to work at least one more close with him. My desire to bring him or any other closer on a long walk home with me one night probably won't turn out, but we simply have to work one last close together and go to 7-11 one more time before he takes off to go to school or wherever it is he's going.

I'm not sure what else to say though. I am very glad I have tomorrow off, both because of these things and I have quite a few new torrents to sort out (I downloaded 24 alone yesterday, but 15 of them came from season 6 of Top Chef), but there's also still a whole day to go, and with the way things have been going recently, I'll probably be asked to work in somebody else's place tomorrow or something. For right now, it's time to go fill a couple margarine tubs with cookies and get my uniform ready to work. I think I might've put my five-year pin through the wash last night, backing paper and all, but the rest should be fine, and at least this time I'll have an excuse to not be wearing my newest pin~

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