Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

This is What Happens

By far the most interesting development today is this response to an email I sent last night, from you-know-who.

I feel heartless and cruel and snobby for saying this, but unless you're paying me for them you don't have the right to my written words. I'm not willing to discuss anything further. If you want you can write me one more email or LiveJournal message. After that please leave me alone. I hope you feel better soon.

To be as objective as possible, I deserve as much. I've poked, and prodded, and nudged a little bit more with each message I sent them, and we're finally coming to the "Piss off and go help yourself" point. Which I probably should, because as they so eloquently put it, I do not live in a country that is so backwards about health care costs, but for right now, all I can say is they will get a message. I don't yet know what it'll say, but if this is the last chance I have to contact them without sending money along at the same time, I might as well make it worthwhile. Although there is also a pretty obvious loophole in what they said, which I may or may not choose to exploit, because it could constitute actual harassment. Yet at the same time, this is what it has come to. Essentially a repeat of being friends with Dyno (having one big problem, followed up by a multitude of smaller, frequent problems), except in this case I didn't cut and run from the other person, because it felt like I couldn't talk to anybody else. Even though they said they literally do not understand how I feel, but my method of dealing with problems is to keep them as confined as possible - only those people who need to know will, and so on. I would say maybe that's what I need to change, but I seem to be coming up with an awful lot of "maybe"s, these days. Maybe all I need is to try being more sociable in real life. Maybe all I need to do is find someplace / some people to talk to when things really go wrong. Maybe I just need a drastic change in my environment, and I mean more than rearranging my room or going downstairs for once.

Still though, is this really what I wanted? To push and push and push until they snapped? I don't know yet. It's too early to say. After all, notice how they said they felt heartless and cruel and snobby for saying that. It implies that they do care, but they're tired of trying to deal with me. In which case it is my problem. They're the one trying to spread tolerance and understanding, when meanwhile I'm over in my corner spouting out hate and resentment, and I just know that when I do get a clear glimpse of exactly how I am right now, it will hurt worse than anything else I've felt during this. That night at work where I had a pain in my stomach that wouldn't go away, or the morning a while back where I woke up with a headache that felt like somebody stabbing a knife straight through my skull? They won't even compare. So let's just get this over with. Right here and now. I'm sick of being angry at people. I'm sick of pushing them until they push back just so I can know their limits. I'm sick of being ignored because I can't see past the end of my own nose, and I'm sick of the inevitable painful realization of how wrong I was. But where do I go with this? I'm thinking about staying home tonight instead of going out to Real Canadian Superstore as I was originally planning and posting to the same community that long "The Desire to Be Unique" post screenshot came from, except with my real account this time. Even if it doesn't work out, at least I'll be trying something different. Kind of like how I asked Dad for a ride to McDonalds at about quarter to 6 this morning so I could get breakfast, and just as we were pulling out of the driveway, was just on the verge of saying "I'm still not completely sure yet, but there might be some things I'll want to talk to you and Mom about tomorrow". I guess it could happen eventually.

For now though, I'm off to find some other things to do. Apparently it's nearly 7pm already, which isn't too much different than normally being up around 7am, but there are other things I want to do tonight~

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