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All My Efforts for Naught

It's a really nice feeling, that. I finally work up the nerve to call this phone number (1-519-667-6711) so I can actually, you know, talk to somebody about how I feel, but guess what? Three times now, and each time I've been told "We're sorry, but all of our lines are busy right now. Please call back in a little while, or whenever it is convenient for you." Yeah. Splendid. Oh, well wait. I did get through to them, and my first question was "I'm in Chatham, so is this call still free?" Looking back now, the area codes are the same, but having to push 1 first makes me think that it is in fact not a local call, and that even though I was only on the phone for ~10 seconds, we'll still get charged for it, and as I was the only one awake at 2:40 in the morning, it will be traced back to me and just... everything else from there.

Which I think speaks pretty well for the rest of my afternoon and evening. I didn't go out to Real Canadian Superstore or Walmart, because wrapping paper is my biggest priority, and I figure at worst I can ask George for another ride out to Walmart after work on Sunday and poke around there for a bit. Not for any more pillows or other bedroom-related items this time, but for wrapping paper, and maybe Tupperware containers, and probably things to make at least two cakes, where one will be for Christmas Eve, and the other technically for Orlando, but to share with everybody on whichever shift that happens to be, because I'm not letting him take the glass pan home when I'll need it again only a week or so later. It's like, I'm mostly looking forward to that, aside from the spending money part, but before I'll have the chance, I have to close twice with Mary, and I am not in any state of mind conductive to at least trying to get along with her. Would you believe I actually contacted "Jojojoshua" - the person who commissioned An Enemy to God to ask if they'd be willing to talk? Would you believe I registered for a Furaffinity account with my "real" name, in hopes that I'll be able to change who I am and have use for it? I really don't know what I'm doing, but as I said earlier, it's about time I started taking some risks. That person might already be aware of my reputation, but I don't know who else to turn to. Although I did give thought to talking to Mom or Dad, then Naomi, and Adam in that order earlier tonight, and maybe it would be the best thing to do with these four days off I have coming up. Not on my birthday, of course, but one of the days after that. Who cares if making cookies gets pushed back a couple evenings? Last time I tried to do that when I was in this state of mind I was able to get through one batch before my emotions got the better of me. Yeah.

Another thing I've done is gone into my settings and unbanned the three people who were previously banned as a means of removing them from my "friends of" list - deoge_rking, da_fox_qc, and natures_duality. I still don't know who the third is - I have an idea where they found me at, but they haven't updated in ~3 years, and as for the other two, I stopped talking to Deoge after having envy-related problems with him, and I banned Da Fox after he posted pictures of his fursuit, and I got upset, both in an envious way once again, and because in my eyes he was bragging, when it was something I didn't allow myself to do, so why should any of my friends? Believe it or not, I was so immature at one point. But lately I couldn't care less about what people have that I don't, or what people touch that I consider mine. Oh,and before I forget, as for karolynvk, I'm not sure who they are. They added my alternate account as a friend first, and then with no help or prompting from me, found this one as well. And they seem to post exclusively about where to download music, so they might be considered a spammer, but the links are valid, and I am confused. Anyways, everything that adds to who I am was borrowed from some other source at some point. The bad things, however, such as feeling that I was a horrible person and that I deserved to die for what I'd done to my friends, I can't be very proud of. I can't expect people to look at what makes me up and say "Ooh, I really like how callously he treats friendships", and as for the things that are mine (about the only good one that I truly didn't take from anybody else is being the "cat guy"... oh wait, that's wrong - I wouldn't even have that if it wasn't for Noir being willing to go out walking with me), how can I very well say they're mine when the original idea came from somebody else? These are the things I wish I could talk to somebody about, but Dan Skunk went away to visit his Mom yesterday and apparently won't be back until next week, and the entry before last already covers what happened with that other person. I suppose I could try emailing Josh, because he usually shows concern with how we haven't talked in ages and how I'm never on MSN, etc. (possibly because I haven't used the account he has me added with in years), but if I did, word would spread to Adam and / or Naomi in an instant, and I'd rather go to them with these things instead of having somebody else decide what's best for me.

All in all, I'm finally doing one of the things mentioned in my "Little Pleasures in Life" entry - "Letting go. Dropping all of these pretenses and facades onto the floor, and sorting them out to see just what I want to keep, and what can be discarded, because all it's doing is dragging me down or inhibiting me in some other way". It's not an easy process though, especially on one's own, but I'm trying, and will most likely talk to somebody in real life eventually~

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