Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

I Could Go Out Early...

I'm not sure what I want to do today. Work will have me occupied for most of this evening, but I'm thinking about asking to leave my uniform in the shed and going up to Walmart afterward tonight to get the stuff I need there. That way I could almost certainly go to McDonalds for breakfast again, assuming I walked both out there and back again, instead of getting a ride from George like I did last time, and that leaves things open between he and I to go out to Tim Hortons or 7-11, which I would like to do then, because by that point, it will be my birthday. Of course, it isn't the same shortly after midnight as it is waking up during the afternoon and thinking "Hey, it's December 13th!", but I'd like to keep after work on Sunday open either way. I almost went out there last night, actually, because we'd just left at a couple minutes after 4:00, and I walked outside to what almost felt like warmth, but I decided not to, because there were things I wanted to do at home, and somewhat foolishly brought along a glass of cold water to drink because I was that thirsty (I never take anything to drink outside of work), which sent my body temperature crashing down, and made for a mostly-okay-but-still-not-quite-as-nice-as-before walk the rest of the way home. Apparently it's only going to be a single degree lower than it was yesterday tonight though, so yeah, that sounds reasonable. If, however, it should end up being terribly busy and we don't get out of there until ~4:30, if not later, I'll just ask George for a ride. The only other problem with walking anywhere at such a brisk pace as I normally do is that my legs really hurt, but that's either from rearranging my room on Wednesday night and pushing my entire bed - mattresses and all - closer to the wall with my feet / legs. Which does beat my arms and chest to a degree feeling like it / they have been bruised instead, but it'll go away in a couple days.

So anyways, in regards to the stuff I wrote about in my previous entry, what a thoroughly enjoyable experience this has been. I'm still nowhere near out of it yet, but am starting to second-guess the whole creating-a-Furaffinity-account-in-my-name thing, but if nothing else, it'll give me a proper place to upload my commissions. I literally don't know how to go back into having friends again, which is why I mostly let people come to me before, but I've been talking about that and several other things of significant concern with an apparently sizable group of volunteers, all of whom use the name "Jo", and it's via email, which is nice. Know the thing I really like about it though? All throughout this, Feathertail has held to that I was asking for help he couldn't provide, and even had the gall to say I was pressing him into service as my therapist because a story he wrote made me feel bad about myself, but seriously, all I need is to be able to tell somebody what's going on, and have them ask questions in return. I've yet to feel even remotely frustrated that they aren't telling me what to do, but being asked questions about my situation, and seeing what other things answering them leads themselves to is all I want. Although I suppose that could be the very definition of therapy, in which case I'm the one who should be apologizing and not him, but on the other hand, the annoying thing about dealing with him is that he holds to this now-tired reasoning of having been brought up to see everyone else as above him, and to always put their interests before his own. Which means that he has not been talking to me (albeit curtly) because I deserve it, but because he feels too guilty not too. Which is frustrating because if he'd even tried to understand what I was telling him, he would've realized that he was the only specific person who knew enough of my situation that I felt comfortable talking to. Of course, that isn't fair to him, but that's where including an apology in pretty much every message I sent came in. I have tried to make this fair to him, but, well, look at how it ended up.

I want to say I'll give it a month or two before I send him a message by some means that he didn't explicitly specify in that message to ask "What did I do? Did I take advantage of you, when you thought I should know better?" At the same time, thoughts of his website and how there's apparently now a built-in chat on it come to mind, and I find myself so beside myself with... well, hurt, because I could've been a part of that. Why is being a part of that so important to me though? Because then it'd show that we've worked out our differences and are on good terms again? Mostly, I guess, and even though I want to change who I am, I still don't think I could change to the point where chatting online with several people at the same time would be something I enjoy. I still like my privacy, but I'm trying to slowly edge out and see what happens. Of course, this has all changed now that I have a reason to (change, or be doomed to a possibly very short life filled with unhappiness), but I'm trying, slowly. For now though, I have about two and half hours in which to eat breakfast and work on this reply to "Jo". Apparently, even though the odds of the same person responding to my message each time are extremely low, everybody who responds is able to see the past 30 days of correspondence, presumably on both of our parts, so that's neat. And yes, for all I know, this could just be a middle step between not saying anything to anybody and talking about things with Mom or Dad if I still have reason to want to find out why I am the way I am then, but I do need the middle step, and am only too thankful that this is working out, unlike that other phone call I made~

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