Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

It's Starting All Over Again

I have every reason to believe this will go exactly the same if I don't take measures to stop it now, so maybe by writing about them in here and having something to be accountable to, this won't get quite so out-of-hand as the other incident. First of all, the other incident is everything with Feathertail. I read one of his two messages yesterday, in which he apologized for stringing me along so far. Apparently, even though he said he was willing to talk to people who were shaken up by what he wrote, that was more to make him feel better about what he'd done, and to make it look to people who didn't have a problem like he was trying. However, I was serious, and it didn't take more than a week for him to realize he didn't really mean what he'd said, and even longer than that to finally stand up to me and say "Leave me alone". However, every single message I have from him thus far has been him explaining his side of things to some degree, but do you see the problem there? I try to do the same, and he says "I literally don't understand how you feel / what you're going through". If he says the same things though, then it's fair game. So in the end I asked if we could just agree to disagree, and posed a couple other questions as well. One was asking if he'd received my email about the same service I had benefited from, and the other asked why, if he had the ability to block my communications all along, did he not do that before. Once again, in a brilliant display of ignorance, he responded to the third question, saying that I was, and any further messages would be reported as harassment. So yeah. I'm both relieved, because I've done literally everything I could, and he's still being stubborn as ever, but annoyed, because all he's going to do is continue taking advantage of people in the future. Yes, setting all else aside (that whole Occam's Razor thing), he's the one who writes the stories, so they're his to do whatever he likes with, but if I had known he was so manipulative and dishonest I would not have commissioned him. No sir (or ma'am).

On the other hand, maybe it's good that I went through this. I have grown a fair bit because of all the controversy, and unfortunately it does have the nasty side-effect of making me think that everybody else in the world thinks and acts the same way he does, so I literally have away messages set up in Pidgin right now to say "This happened, and if you no longer want to talk to me as a result of that, I understand, but say that before you remove me". This is why I used to and still somewhat do always try to keep things perfect. The biggest exception to my mind right now would be me wanting to give Munedust cookies, even though we had a slight disagreement over that Facebook group about me before, but I dislike personal relationships. It feels like if I don't talk to the other person every single day, there's no point to calling them my friend, unless we know each other through some other service, such as LiveJournal, or now Twitter (even though the only other person I'm following on there right now is Tryphena). In theory, I could change that either by not being afraid to disagree with people, but look at what happened with Feathertail - I just don't know when to let it go, or finding something between being acquaintances and good friends, but as yet, I truly do not know what to do. It's frustrating, and fills me with such an overwhelming feeling of sadness, and yet how can I deal with that? I don't know, so I just avoid it. In regards to him though, whatever. I would hope I'm not the only person in this world who thinks the way I do, and there's a fair chance of him running into somebody else like that in the future, in which case he might very well end up being the one who feels trapped. I hope so, but at least I can take comfort in that I no longer feel like I'm going to end up as one of those people who stands on the street corner raving about all the wrongs in the world. I have neither the time nor the passion for that anymore. There are, however, other things I want to write about, but as these two paragraphs have gone on long enough, the remaining stuff will be put into a a cut.

Actually, the interesting things started before I even got to Heart and Stroke. I left the house, and out I walked toward Lacroix. Eventually I looked up, and noticed a girl in a blue jacket standing at the crosswalk watching me, and sure enough, when I got close enough to be able to hear her, she started asking questions. Mostly the expected, such as "What's with the ears and tail?", but eventually it came out that she was on her way to Sobeys, so we continued talking to each other all the way down to Tim Hortons. Her next question was if she could "try them" (my ears) to which I firmly said no, that I didn't let anybody else touch them, because after that incident in London, nobody touches them or my tail, including people at work, unless their hands are already occupied (which mostly leaves Adam kicking my tail). That was awkward for a couple seconds, but she shrugged it off, and then I think started asking questions about how other people reacted. What my parents said, what sorts of things I heard from random people on the street, and so on, and as we got up to crossing over to the other side of Richmond, she began quizzing me about what else I had. Both handpaws and footpaws, yes, which she seemed truly amazed with, and then asked "Well, what about a bodysuit?", and when I said no, got this sort of joking "Hah! Got you!" look on her face and said "So there is something you still need!" Unfortunately, by that point we'd reached Tim Hortons which is where I was headed, so we went off in our separate directions, and I was left to puzzle over what had just happened. I wouldn't consider "bodysuit" to be a particularly widely-known word, so was she furry too? Possibly, but in that case, why wouldn't she have looked me over and said "Oh, you must be a snow leopard!", instead of automatically jumping to the "kitty cat" conclusion everybody else does? And then as I exited Tim Hortons, my mind flashed back to that night during the summer where I went in to work and Manoah said somebody had just been there looking for me. That somebody, as I recall, lived on a street between 7-11 and Sobeys, and that's exactly where she was headed when we parted ways, so was it her? If so, I want to say her name is / was Francis, but I couldn't say for certain. It's just a very strong possibility, and definitely not the way I was expecting my day to start off.

Then I finally got to Heart and Stroke, and talked with Kit and Linda for a bit before we left. As it would happen though, she (Linda) was standing behind me, and must have looked right at the top of my shirt, where you can see some of my tattoo poking out above it. She asked "Is that a bruise?", and I said that no, it was a tattoo, only for her to walk over and pull the neck of my shirt out to look down my back, and then for Kit to come over and join her in lifting my shirt up instead to look at it. Yes. As with meeting that girl, I hardly expected my morning to involve to grown women pulling my shirt up to look at my back. And then while they were going on about that, I also pointed out the lumps on my arm, which Kit immediately wanted to look at, because apparently she's a nurse. They're lumps of fat, and are, at worst, unsightly. Not dangerous though, because if they were, I wouldn't be here writing this entry. Anyways, after that we took off, and all I can remember of the ride there was talking about how close we were to being ready for Christmas, and also about Manoah being in school. Apparently he's just like I was. Let's leave it at that.

Then the party itself was, for the first few minutes, quite nice. Until Janice came in and immediately started kicking up a fuss over my tail and ears, but Michele offered me a bag to put those in, and I sat in quiet resignation thinking about how I could've just walked home, and whether or not I would be attending any more Christmas parties in the future. Her reason for complaining was that it was an office function, but as the party went on, I saw at least two reasons to believe it wasn't. The biggest, however, was Michele's ordering an alcoholic drink. Sure, she paid for that herself, just as I provided my tail and ears myself, but would she be allowed to have that in the office? No! The best I can figure regarding Janice's being difficult is not being able to take pictures of me, but you know what? At the risk of sounding narcissistic, I don't want pictures to be taken of me under those conditions. No. So I sent Michele an email about that last night, and tried my best to make it clear that I was just voicing my concern, and how that turned out would not affect helping her with the P2P work this year (at least not from my point of view), but I almost feel like I'm doing it again, so I'll just leave it at this. Besides, they're Christmas parties. They only come once a year, and I am by no means obligated to attend, so I'll just not say anything else in regards to this matter, and decline to go next year. Simple as that. It does make me sound sort of like a killjoy, in that they want to thank us for volunteering and all that and I'm not giving them the chance to do so, but such can just as easily be done in-office. Take me aside one afternoon in December, say "We really appreciate all the hard work you've done for us over the past year", give me a gift if you have one, and that'll be that. Speaking of gifts though, want to know what I got this year? Exactly what I said I would. A $20 gift card for Bulk Barn. Meanwhile last time I went there I got sick, and quite a few people at work seem to be sick right now, so just as with this Value Village gift certificate I have, I'll hold off a couple months on using it.

Negativity aside though, I mostly had fun. Aside from Janice's inevitable trying to take pictures of me and me holding up my birthday and Christmas cards in front of the camera so she couldn't, I enjoyed myself. Most notably in a couple of the games we played. They both ended in such a way that Michele had to write a number on a piece of paper and the closest person to that number got to pick a prize from the table, and both times, I knew exactly what the number was, even though I wasn't part of the guessing for one game. The first time, I saw her draw two circles, and what other number is comprised of two circles? An eight, of course, and I tried to tell Linda that because she was one of the people who was guessing, but she didn't hear me, and chose 6. Oh well. As for the other, her pen was pressed to the piece of paper for all of a single hand motion, and what other numbers can you write in a single hand motion but 1? That ultimately got me a little candy dish with candies already in it, so yay. Although I did guess 7 at first, only to be told by her that it was a number between 1 and 5 ;_;

Altogether though, when I first woke up today I felt awful. It seemed like nothing was going right, and my room was a mess, and I was getting exactly what I deserved for being such a miserable prick toward Feathertail, but you know what? That isn't fair. I literally did everything in my power short of sending him more money to resolve this in a mature manner. He, however, would sooner stick his fingers back in his ears and say "Lalalala, I can't hear you!" so whatever. Prized Possession is still up on his Furaffinity account and on his website, but I have been blocked from contacting him in pretty much any way on the former, and don't have much of any desire to go to the latter, because I don't want to throw myself back into all of that again. Quite frankly, he scares me, and the things he writes about having gone through in his life are really, really troubling and depressing. Of course, the best person to talk to about feeling that way would be him, but it doesn't work that way. Not unless you're willing to put him up on a pedestal and treat him as the bestest thing ever because he's still here. No.

But I'm done for the day. Time to go tidy up my room and eat the snacks I didn't get to last night~

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