Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

So Many Shades of Gray

It's still going. Not as badly as before, mind you, but I'm still mildly depressed, and the resolution to / for this particular part of it is going to take a lot, lot longer to attain, because it literally involves changing myself instead of just needing to get other people to understand how I feel. Not very pleasant, to say the least, but is it anything new? Not at all. As I've mentioned way too many times before, this has been going since the middle of October, and keeps changing - keeps evolving in new ways and changing to be focused on different things, and at least this particular place I'm in right now has the advantage of mostly being my problem instead of directly involving other people, but yes *sigh* You see? That's changing too. I'm starting to use those *action* things again, but I think it's related more to talking to people in MSN than anything.

Speaking of MSN though, it seems adding Manoah to my contact list again may not have been the best idea. Last night I walked back into my room after having a shower (at about 11:30), and what would I find from him, but several messages asking if I wanted to come in to work. Apparently it was "busy", and he was supposed to be done soon, but no, you know what? I put in quite a bit of extra effort on Monday, so as I told him when I got home that night, I had earned my day off, and he agreed, but then I didn't hear anything from him for the rest of the night, when normally I would've heard some things about George or such, but I expect it to be just as busy tonight, and fully anticipate nobody being willing to stay extra time to help us close, but as far as I'm concerned, I have four days off after this, and I need every single one of them. Tomorrow will be spent wrapping the rest of my gifts, and making the beginnings of the cake to take to Aunt Marie and Uncle Mark's on Christmas Eve, Friday will mostly be used by distributing the 20 small boxes I wrapped last night (not 25 after all, but that turned out to be a good thing, because they took a very, very long time to wrap), then meeting everybody else at the aforementioned place for Christmas Eve celebrations, Saturday is Christmas, so it goes without saying what we'll be doing then, and Sunday is Boxing Day, so I might have to go out to Walmart and so on, but quite honestly, I don't much want to this year. I have more than enough stuff here already, and I can't say it hasn't been nice to save some money for a change.

Anyways, I am just approaching the point of being both physically and emotionally drained. I'm sure anybody else in my position / situation would feel the same way. It's hard, and I'll freely admit that it would be much easier to just go back to the way I used to be - closed off from everything I didn't like or didn't understand about the world, but the problem now is that if I were to do that, I would effectively be guaranteeing that this happens again, as I've said before. Maybe I should take that as a sign that I'm better off on my own though. I mean, look at what trying to understand other peoples' feelings and experiences is doing do me! It's extremely frustrating and draining, and at the moment I feel exactly like this, but I can't take the night off to reflect on that. Oh no. Even if it were possible to call in emotionally ill instead of physically, my deadline for doing so passed an hour ago. Besides, to do that would be to tip off the people I work with about having... emotional and mental issues. Sure, we probably all do in some respect, but I doubt any of them get worked up about the same things I am at present.

I need to have something to eat before I go to work though, and also need to leave a little earlier than normal tonight, since I have to go to 7-11 and Money Mart first. And also get Manoah to write the necessary things on this envelope I have for Adam and Trish, but once again, *sigh* I've seen her for less than an hour since she got here, and that was mostly because she and Adam wanted to try some of the banana bread George's mom made for me. Not like it's a bad thing, but Christmastime just isn't the same this year. Of course, I am mostly to blame, but I'm not going to get into that right now. Just to put a somewhat positive ending on this entry, I am mostly stable. I will in theory remain stable as long as I don't jump in and do anything stupid relating to how I feel now. I just need to write about these things somewhere, but hey, what better place is there than in here?~

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