Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

Overall, A So-So Year

I'm not sure how to proceed with this. It is New Year's Eve today, which means this entry I'm writing should be one wherein I go back to reflect over the entire year, but to be quite frank, I can remember very little that happened before the middle of October. I recall finishing P2P receipting at Heart and Stroke early, and getting a gift card for Bulk Barn as a reward, and coming down with some sort of illness shortly after I went there, but absolutely nothing else. Therefore, reflecting is out, but I'm still thinking about the outcome of all of this. No matter how many times I go over events, I always seem to come back to the same conclusion as well - that I've done everything in my power to resolve this, and that I should hold my head up and walk away with pride, but it's not quite so easy. You see, as much as I have to be proud about for dealing with these issues in as controlled and mature a manner as possible, that says nothing of my not understanding things. Remember what I wrote about earlier this week regarding wanting to change and wanting to become something better than I am now? Last time it felt like I was on a mission like that, I chalked the feelings up to hypomania. This time, it's either full-blown mania or what's known as a "mixed episode". I am irritable, and I do not want to do pretty much everything. Going back to Christmas Eve eve, it took half an hour of "mental preparation" just to get up and take everything downstairs to make that cake. So all in all this could sound pretty serious, and it most likely is, but at the same time it's fascinating. I've never felt this way before! It's all new and unusual, and offers new insights into how my mind works, and that is truly interesting to me. At the same time though, with specific regard to not understanding things, after some thinking I've come upon a troubling realization. The only way I have of understanding things that make me uncomfortable right now without figuratively looking at the people who possess those properties under a microscope is to make them personally relevant to me - to feel the same way about the topic of discomfort as I think the other person does. It's pretty much the same thing I've noticed before and have mentioned in the past, but this time, instead of noticing it as it's happening or after it happens, I'm looking ahead at how it most likely starts. It really is a shame introspection isn't a more highly-valued quality, because I think I'm actually pretty good at it <3

With that large paragraph out of the way though, what can I say for the past ~24 hours? Well, I went shopping, for one. In the same night I bought... an item from those same "Zephyr" people I last mentioned a long, long time ago, as well as both a hard shell and (supposedly hard) case for my PSP. I wanted the shell because I need something that will actually protect the screen, and that led to wanting to buy the case as well, because it was only $4, and had extra space in it for additional memory sticks. Now I can have, say, one memory stick just for games and ISOs, and the other for music. It would be nice, but I still have ~14.5GB of free space right now, and only listen to a small handful of the music that is actually on there at a time. As for the ISOs, that would mostly require me to actually have an interest in playing the games anymore. Same thing goes with the Acekard for my DS too. I have it, and have quite a few games on the stick, but do I want to play any of them? No, not really. I do kind of want to go back through all three Phoenix Wright games and Apollo Justice, but thus far I've only played it enough to get past the opening bits of dialogue and introductions in the very first case. Same as before, the court sessions are the only fun parts. As for other things done though, I also cleaned up my desktop and finally properly tagged all of those OSTER Project songs in the process, which I only mention because they've been on my desktop for just over a month. Unfortunately, as part of that work I ran Gmail Backup, and while that was going saw the sender's address and subject line of a message I'd have rather not, which somewhat ruined my night and still has me in an off mood now, but those feelings will only last so long, and in the meantime, they serve as a not-so-pleasant reminder that even though things may already be going somewhat badly, they could always go worse.

Crypticism and bad memory aside though, I'd say it's been a pretty good year. Think about it - if things really went so badly throughout the rest of the year, I would have a lot more to look back on, but I don't, so I have to assume January through to the first half of October went pretty well. I might even go back over my entries for that period to see what sorts of things happened, but all in all, I'm still here, so for the moment, I'm happy. Looking ahead to next year though, well, that's another thing entirely. At first I was going to make a resolution to find out why I am the way I am and what makes me me at any cost, but I'd still rather not bring money into it. If I do ever speak to a professional, it'll be for answers, not help. It'll be for them to administer whatever series of tests they have to and ask as many questions they like in order to be able to confidently say "This is who you are", and show me the results. But as for not understanding things, I think what I need to do is get other peoples' opinions. Ask what sorts of things they don't understand, and how they deal with it. It's not that I want to be the same as other people, but I need to find like-minded individuals who I can talk to and trade ideas with when things go wrong. So maybe that'll be my stand-in resolution, along with the more typical ones. Get the rest of the money Manoah owes me ($700 yet), start keeping track of what I eat again (tomorrow, for real) so I can hopefully lose a little more weight (170 pounds would be nice right now), find *cringes* some way of telling Mom and Dad "This is what's going on with me", and maybe, maybe give consideration to what I said yesterday about those cakes. I mean, I do like baking, and that night George's mom gave me a ride home and I gave her those cookies, she said that their (her younger son and herself) had taken to calling me the "cookie monster" which is sort of funny. Could this actually be something I do for profit though? At the moment, I don't think so, but it is a fun idea. Just well above and beyond anything I've thought about thus far.

It's time I went downstairs to check if any supper was made though. Probably not, because Mom bought a frozen pizza for her and Dad while we were grocery shopping yesterday, but that works too, because I would like to go to both 7-11 and Tim Hortons tonight. Those places will never be overdone, and as this is the last night of the year, I can make an exception and buy way too much stuff from both. Supper first though. I think I can smell cake~

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