Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

Of Course There's Nothing Today

Well that's certainly one question answered. I just woke up and went downstairs, and was almost ready to get mildly irate about nothing having come in the mail again. There was nothing on the counter, and as unlikely as I thought it would be that everybody else would simply have forgotten to check the mailbox throughout the rest of the day, I decided to take a look, and went back out to the front door. It was as I was sliding the little chain bolt thing open that I looked out through the windows at all the snow on the ground, and started to wonder what kind of Family Day it was going to be, after which it immediately made sense. Today is a holiday. It's good in that things at work later tonight might actually not be too bad, but also makes sense as something that should be accepted and respected, because back on Saturday night I found myself thinking that this weekend was going by much more quickly than normal. Although that's one concept I have a hard time getting other people to understand. Not so much that there's an underlying force at work in the world, but that certain series of events and ways that things turn out can't always be chalked up to coincidence. It's not a belief, per se, but an awareness that sometimes things were just meant to be. Which doesn't say much for continued difficulties interacting with other people, but I was thinking about that some last night, and came upon an interesting contradiction in my reasoning.

Why is it that I go to such lengths to compare myself to people I've had problems with, considering that I put pretty much everything about them above my own interests and feelings as a means of making things go more smoothly between us? If I see somebody else as better than me, then there should be absolutely no reason that I would continue to privately compare my life to theirs and figure out who is more right and who is more wrong. In one recent case, I can prove that the other person is more wrong, but the mere fact that they wouldn't and still haven't apologized to me says (silently) that there's still part of the issue that I'm not seeing. I know it's not fair to me to think that way, but I was practically bending over backwards (figuratively speaking) to say "This is why what you're doing is wrong, as proven by your own words to me and other people now and in the past", and yet I got nothing of the sort from them, despite my asking several times. Taking a step back into being nonspecific again though, I also started to write an entry about these things last night, and actually couldn't allow myself to lay down in bed before I finished it, but before I had a chance, I typed out the following line, and lost all interest immediately afterward: Living a completely sheltered and closed-off life is possible, and I certainly have enough to live that way for a fair while, considering I would need only basic necessities, and it's honestly fun to imagine. It probably won't lead to any actual changes in things as they are now, but I wonder what would get to me first then. Boredom, or some new (for me) form of mental disorder created by being so closed off from everything else?

I'm not going to expound on that here for obvious reasons, but seriously, things were going well up to when I wrote that, even though I almost fell asleep from resting my eyes at one point, and then as soon as I hit that blurb given in gray, was overcome with discomfort, to such a degree that I decided I would be best off leaving that until this afternoon, and starting again. I'm not trying to say what I was writing about is bad, but it's interesting to look at how that worked out. This journal I have here is supposed to be a place where I can write about anything and everything that I want, and while my list of topics may have been somewhat trimmed back as soon as I made my first post-2004 friend (through the site, that is), there are still other things that I don't feel right writing about, entirely because I'm stuck in this state of mind that says as long as I have even one friend on my list, I should show some discretion. That's not to say every entry I write would be an even more extreme foray into depravity if I felt differently, but once again, it comes down to feeling like interacting with other people is holding me back. What would I do and say if I wasn't so encumbered? Probably talk more about sensitive issues and things that make me panic, but otherwise, I'm not sure. Making other people happy does make me happy, so I don't think I could ever completely do away with that, but interacting with them in any more personal manner eventually leads to feeling as described here, and I've yet to find a balance.

Less towards introspection now though, it's already 5:00, and I still need to have a shower and shave before I go to work. Again, it would be nice if all of this snow made for a slow evening, because that'd make for earning holiday pay on what would be a pleasant respite from Friday and Saturday night (dishes notwithstanding, but George works over supper, and he's usually good about keeping at them), but I'm not getting my hopes up, because it's just as likely that everybody went out sledding and such. But even if it is busy, it'll just lead to earning more money, so come what may and all that. What matters most to me is there being hamburgers from supper left over for me at home, and possibly going to 7-11 after that for chocolate bars, as I was going to yesterday night, but made almost a triple portion of noodles with mushrooms and cheese and BBQ sauce (unintentionally, of course - I started pouring them into the pot of water, and before I knew it the thing was almost half-full), and thus decided I would be better off staying home. But that was nice anyways, because I found a torrent for and downloaded all 12 episodes of Drew Carey's Green Screen Show yesterday, and while I somewhat dislike how fast-paced it is compared to Whose Line is it Anyway, games like Sound Effects are brilliant with animation, and Freeze Tag has a certain charm to it as well. Or at least the episode where everybody starts laughing at "Yoga hurts!" was. Unfortunately, my attempt at converting them from M4Vs to AVIs removed the sound, but I still have the original files, so I'll start that going a second time before I leave for work tonight. Now I have to go shower and shave though, and after that, respond to an email I received earlier this morning~

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