Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

The Day is Finally Here

For as long as I've been anticipating and knew that it was coming now, this is really much too early. I could go for another couple hours of sleep, and it's probably going to be quite hard not laying down for a short nap later (I still do not intend to though), but right now this isn't very nice, and it seems almost a shame to be thinking of having to head out in less than an hour when it's only 1:00. Same as with yesterday though, I have other email correspondence to catch up on posting, but if I don't fill this space the first border will intersect with my userpic, and I don't want that. As such, I think we're mostly done now. A new comment has been posted in place of the old one that I disapproved of, and he did say "Karadur asked me to hide my old response to you and say this, so I did", which isn't so bad, if not just unexpected, but then he continued on to mention the same person he did before, who I feel completely right in saying he admires for what they do. They go by the name "chaoticidealism", and that makes me uncomfortable, because are there any other two (or one) word(s) that so properly describe how I feel and think? My ideal view of the world may be somewhat disorganized and yes, chaotic, in that I'm trying to find a way around everything else that makes me uncomfortable or which I dislike, so I can find a place off on my own in which to exist and go about my day to day life, without having all of these other things affect me like they do. Additionally, in attaining what I feel is an ideal state, I may change my mind or go back on my words more times than I can count, hence the chaos, and that's why I prefer to keep myself separated from other people, because they're not likely to understand exactly what is going on inside of my head without an explanation that I can't properly give to them because I don't fully understand the driving forces behind the feelings either. As I said yesterday, I don't know why I am this way. At this point I'd be more willing to bet it's because of what I'm trying to avoid being labeled as (or the variety of it that starts with "asp" instead) than it isn't, but I can't properly say on my own.

So with that, here we are with what should be the last series of emails between us:

My comment has been hidden. That text has been posted as a reply.

I am not able to hide the comment you posted as a response. It lets me click the button, but the comment stays visible. To hide it, log into FA and click [this link]. I think.

The comment itself is [here] if that doesn't work.

The comment posted with the account name "smaki" has now been hidden (and seriously, I wish you could see me shaking over here because of it), but I'd rather you used the comment included in my previous message to you here (the one sent at 3:09pm on March 2nd). Setting aside my getting all haughty, you said you were fine with it being ambiguous for my story, so that should be explicitly noted. For easiness' sake, the comment I'm referring to is this one:

For the commissioner, "Hollow" is an all-encompassing term used to describe the way he feels, thinks, and acts. I consider being Hollow to be the same as being autistic, and will be presenting it that way in future stories, but is not autism as such in *this* story, because the commissioner would prefer that to remain ambiguous.

I'd strongly prefer you change it to that, and then I'll be out of your hair, but if not, please unblock my karadur.inacu account so I can post the corrected message with the proper name.

Thanks in advance.

I'm sorry, I lost track of which was which.

How about this instead:

For the commissioner, "Hollow" is an all-encompassing term used to describe the way he feels, thinks, and acts. I consider being Hollow to be the same as being autistic, and will be presenting it that way in future stories, but the commissioner would prefer for that to remain ambiguous in this story.

I'd rather say that it's up in the air than explicitly say that it's not.

This is the only thing I still take exception to. My intent was indeed to say that the disability and / or definition of "Hollow" in my story was most definitely open to interpretation, and not at all even in the slightest subject to anybody saying "I think it should be this, so it is", except to themselves. Which is to say that I originally wanted it to be explicitly stated that those things were ambiguous, then he could say how he planned to present them in future stories, but that would have no impact on mine. I tried to compromise anyways though.

Well, since you've mentioned me by name anyways (which I don't have a problem with), here's a more personalized which has been reworded slightly:

In this story, "Hollow" is an all-encompassing term used to describe the way Karadur feels, thinks, and acts. I consider being Hollow to be the same as being autistic, and will be presenting it that way in future stories, but he would prefer for that to remain ambiguous in his commission.

More personalized version, that is.


You may review the comment [here] if you like.

Don't mind if I pass on that offer right now, but all the same, thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, and I meant to tell you earlier, but forgot. I have been posting all of our current correspondence in my LiveJournal, and will do the same with the several other messages that have been sent back and forth when I write an entry tonight. I'm doing that as a way of dealing with the stress, anxiety, and such else related to them, and I'm letting you know, so you're aware that they're there. I don't expect you to care one way or the other, but let this email serve as notification, just on the slim chance that it should become an issue in the future.

Obviously I never made it to posting an entry last night, because it took almost half an hour to find the right words to respond to that person I got the last icon I commissioned from them the other day, after which I decided I would be better off going to sleep, because it was 5:30 by that time. As for the above though, I think we're done. I will admit I was surprised but pleased that all he said in his last reply was "You're welcome", instead of going on to say "Please never contact me again. You don't have to read my other stories if they make you uncomfortable, and I'm not willing to discuss anything else", so now all that remains to be taken care of is this overly stressed and frantic way that I feel. To illustrate, when I've been in an off mood in the past, I could more or less deal with the way I felt by getting quiet and deliberating over those things in my mind for however long it took to work them out, but now they fill me with such anxiety and panic (yes, I've started using those words only recently, but the feelings it / they stand for are markedly different than simply being stressed out), that I have to find something else to devote my full attention to. Yesterday it was episodes of Home Improvement, and while I was away at work, taking on an additional cleaning task just to give me something else to focus on. So maybe this is what happened to him as well back when we talked in MSN and he said he was having an anxiety attack, and would really prefer that I left him alone. And if so, of course I want to point out that similarity. Mind you, in my case it's dealing with other people that is the problem most of the time, but now I have to go to Heart and Stroke, but first go to Tim Hortons for a tea, since that'd only be right today, and see what things are like there eight months after I was supposed to start. Maybe not too much different, but I'll find out quite soon.

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