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Definitely Out of Sorts Again

What's worth mentioning this time though is that prior to this, I was out of sorts about things involving stories. Now, instead, I'm out of sorts about things involving movies, or rather one specific movie that we watched on Sunday night last week. From what I've gathered as well as what makes the most sense, it was put on because of there being a snow leopard character in it. The logic does make sense, sure, but I don't get the way of thinking that other people apparently possess - my having an interest in something means I'll be drawn to other things that feature that particular something. If I wanted to watch a movie or read a story or do anything else related to an interest I had or something I had been part of in the past, I would look into it on my own. No need for other people trying to be helpful by offering their opinions (although basic suggestions are welcome) because I'm going to want it to be my choice in the end so I can't turn around and say "Why did you make me watch / read that? I hated it!" to them, and I especially don't need people thinking because that they think I'm a certain way, my interest in that movie or story or other form of media will be exactly as they think. In the case of Sunday night, when the movie was put on, Xion asked "Have you ever seen this before?", and when I said "No", in an increasingly agitated tone of voice, he responded with "You'll enjoy it then. It's very furry". Movies featuring anthropomorphic animals are neat. I really like(d) Ratatouille, and could watch it again, probably several times consecutively and still like it, but I tend to think I focus more on what the movie, story, TV show, conversation, etc. is about instead of what it involves. I like movies that make me sad, as long as I can identify and agree with why they make me sad. I like movies that make me happy, but only so long as I can accept them for what they are and still be happy. I think my problem here is that I tend to take things too seriously. Had I downloaded that movie and watched it on my own, I would've cursed and berated myself privately and gotten over it in fairly short order, because I would only be able to blame myself, but in this case, I talked with Dan Skunk about it yesterday, and came to the conclusion that he's sorry and wishes it was better, because he didn't know I wouldn't like it, and also doesn't like the same parts that I dislike, but unlike me, somehow still thinks it's a good movie. It's like me saying I don't approve of what Feathertail does, but that he's still a good writer - true as it may be, it's a hollow and meaningless statement.

Getting back to the movie though, once the credits started to roll, I was asked "What did you think?" My response was a neutral "Eh, it was okay", shortly followed by "Yeah, I know it's just a movie. I'm just tired, I guess...", because both Dan and Xion tried to console me by saying that it was "just a movie", and that "he" (the snow leopard character) "had been kicking some [expletive] at first there though!" The strange thing is how given their responses, I have to assume they both knew or could tell that I really didn't like it all that much, and yet when I asked him yesterday if he had believed me or not, Dan said yes, because he had no reason not to. Congratulations. You've successfully delivered your "sucker punch" and shown me that I can't be counted on to tell the truth when it really matters. In complete honesty, I really do try to be honest though, and even in regards to what I'm talking about now, my response could be seen as truth quite as easily as it could be seen as a lie. If I didn't think it was okay, the movie would've had me looking far more upset than I did back then, and it was okay in that it looked nice. I just didn't like or appreciate the rest. So in sum, if and when a second visit comes, either I will ask to pick the movie myself, or leave the room to work on other things when a DVD is put on instead. And please, I do invite comments telling me how ridiculously silly this sounds. I feel like a child who's afraid of practically everything and involves himself only with people and forms of entertainment, etc. that he explicitly chooses to associate himself with. A perfect example would be this movie - I can say with certainty that 95% of my problems with it are that there's a snow leopard character, and on top of that, that that character is the "bad guy". Being imprisoned because you've done something bad is fair enough. I would expect no less, and you're obviously putting yourself in danger by escaping, but who's really the bad guy after that? You, on your own, or the group of people who are trying to prevent you from getting back to where they are, because their then-deceased "guardian", shall we say, disapproved of you because your heart / intentions weren't pure / good? Group-think and herd mentality can be an ugly, ugly thing. That's why I personally like being removed from other people and relatively on my own. I only wish I could discuss this with Dan. Sure, there's nothing physically preventing me from doing so, but I'm worried that if I start, I won't be able to let it go. Better to just leave it at being a bit more cautious about movies from now on.

On the better side of things, I work a supper shift tonight. Only 5-8, which is pretty okay (although if they ask me to stay later, I'll volunteer to stick around until 9), and like other supper shifts in the past, I do have special plans in mind for afterwards. This time they're somewhat different, however, in that I haven't been to Tim Hortons or 7-11 since Tuesday, and really don't miss it either, but I still want to go out for something different. As such, after work I will be going over to Food Basics and hopefully picking up some more cheese and ham with which to make grilled cheese sandwiches, and other such things to make food / supper for myself here. Even though I ended up making food for myself only twice over the past weekend, I still enjoyed that feeling of independence, and was quite annoyed when I went downstairs to make some grilled cheese sandwiches on Tuesday, and couldn't find my ham. I guess that's just a difference between there and here though. When I was there, the only thing I used without permission was a small dollop of BBQ sauce, which would've been easy to replace had there been any objections. Otherwise, I was given permission to use their eggs to make cookies (or rather, I was advised not to buy any the first night we went grocery shopping, because there were still some at home and they wanted those to be used first), and bought a new carton for them with my own money. Here, however, I left one and a half packages of ham (they came in two-packs for $5) in the fridge overnight when I came home on Monday, and without anybody asking my permission, every single slice was used up. That was the same morning / early afternoon that I brought all of the unopened baking supplies that I bought there but took home back up to my room because I was annoyed, but yes, there is a big difference. Maybe it comes from that for the past ~24 years of my life I haven't been anywhere near as thoughtful or considerate of others. At any rate, I plan to buy some things with the ~$70 I still have in my wallet (probably not all of it, of course), and then putting them in a bag which will then be clearly labeled "Don't touch!" or somesuch. Another example of being considerate would be that I made cookies on Thursday night. All 18 were gone before I went to bed, and the first thing Adam said to me about them when I went downstairs was "Are there any more cookies?" instead of "Thanks for the cookies. Those were really good." I still do want to pick up the ingredients required to and actually make a new kind of cake before the end of this month, but aside from that, the next thing I want to make is bread again. Not necessarily plain old white bread, but I kind of want to take a short break from cookies.

Otherwise, things have been mostly the same since I last wrote an entry in here. I briefly considered getting a ride out to Real Canadian Superstore with Mom and Naomi on Thursday so I could get more chocolate bars and pepperoni sticks at Dollarama, but didn't because the desire to not unnecessarily spend money on food was greater than the need to have things to snack on, so then I made cookies instead, which I mentioned above are all gone now, spent almost all of yesterday watching several different playlists on YouTube, recorded myself talking to myself with Audacity about some of the movie-related things mentioned above, along with other general bits and pieces of information about the weekend, then went to bed at ~2:30 (so early...), had a mostly sound sleep, and here I am right now, writing this. The night before last (Thursday), however, I'm really not sure what happened, but it was fairly creepy. I'm guessing it was about 4 in the morning when I woke up, but I woke up and felt really uncomfortable under my blankets, so I pulled them back and reached up to turn my fan on, which left me feeling horribly vulnerable. The feeling was like there was a malevolent someone or something else in my room (2 entities, actually), and by uncovering the top half of my body, I was putting myself in danger. Of what, outside of bodily harm, I am not certain, but I didn't feel safe again until I was laying flat again with my blankets pulled up right over my head, with the fan running loudly enough to drown out other background noises coming from outside. That aside, the only other unusual dream I've had recently that I haven't yet mentioned in here came the first night I slept in Toronto. That morning, I woke up just enough to hear Dan Skunk talking to somebody on the phone about setting up a webserver, after which I fell back asleep and dreamt about a "new" Megaman Battle Network game. It was new, but old in the way it was played - through a command prompt / DOS window. I remember every single area (including the secret ones) being visible in the area-selection list from the beginning of the game, but the higher "levels" weren't properly navigable until you'd ventured through the ones before them to collect better chips, and to unlock new areas and so on. Oh, and in the actual game, Megaman was transparent. It was a neat premise and seemed like a fun game, but unfortunately, that's all that I can remember. I think that's all I have to say for today too, because this entry has run on quite long. Not to mention that the program I'm writing this in being full-screen prevents me from looking at my desktop, which I would like to do right now. It is somewhat easier though. Fewer distractions, with a clock in the lower-right corner to keep track of the time, and somewhat garish dark yellow-on-black text, but I would've changed that by now if it was an issue. I've yet to be sufficiently bothered though~

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