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I Have the Answer

It was there right in front of me all along too. Regarding going away a second time in May and whether or not I want to go to this cottage while I'm there, I've finally decided to say no, and made it official by telling the person who asked. Before that point, however, I was all out of sorts about not being able to decide, and a short time before I opened Pidgin again and sent them a message in there, couldn't make up my mind about whether or not I wanted to include the several reasons I was saying no in the email I was writing to them. In the end, it feels very much like something else from Top Chef, being how the winner of season 2 (I believe) was decided. After hours of deliberation, one of the judges pointed out that a certain finalist hadn't cooked anything, which was an issue because they were taking part in a cooking competition, and that little detail alone is what decided it. As for me, oh, at first I was thinking that I could do away with how bad I was feeling by saying yes, but couldn't silence the nagging "What happens if you don't have fun? You almost certainly won't say anything, and then won't want to go there again to avoid repeating those events!" in my head, just as I felt there was a certain thread of logic in saying that up to the point where I was asked about going to the cottage, I was actually excited at the prospect of going to Toronto a second time, so I should simply say no, and resume being excited. What decided it for me though was how I was asked. Taken directly from Pidgin's chat logs, we have this:

Would you be interested in coming to my friend's cottage?

and

If you don't want to, that's fine. Friend just wants me to come.

Had "friend" extended the invitation to me as well, I would still be beside myself over not being able to make a decision, but they did not, which makes things simpler. Although to be quite fair, I kind of feel that if I said yes and did go, I would be welcome there too. Thinking about that reminds me of another anecdote involving Josh, actually. Some years ago he came with us to Aunt Marie and Uncle Mark's house on Christmas Eve, and even though they didn't know that he would be coming (nor did we until the last minute, I think), he was given a present to unwrap, which was a box of chocolates. As for me, I think it comes down to that I would prefer to avoid being a "third wheel", because that typically involves me setting aside anything I originally wanted to do, which leads to resentment, which then leads to stopping talking to people, which eventually leads to being content with occasional spikes of happiness, but with an underlying theme of near-constant boredom. Yes, I realize that sounds kind of self-centered too, but hopefully saying that was not my intent will make it clear that I don't like being in those situations.

As with yesterday though, I don't want to write about bad things for this entire entry, so how about I mention this morning being difficult. I'm not exactly sure what the best way to describe sleeping is, but continuing in the theme of sleep being strange and unusual lately, last night I had a dream where I felt like I'd done several things of absolutely enormous significance and importance, and that I had to sleep for a certain amount of time to "save" what I'd done. The dream was broken up into little bits and pieces that appeared only just before I woke up or just before I fell back asleep again, and I wish I could say what the things I'd done were, but I didn't get a clear idea throughout the entire dream. After that there were a few instances of the same sort of thing, but where I was trying to do something of great significance and importance, but could only work on whatever it was while I wasn't completely asleep or awake. It was a strange thing to experience altogether, but felt cool. In regards to the morning now, which is actually from ~12 to ~1:30 here, I was much too cold for some reason. I had to turn both of my fans off, and then wake up enough to straighten my sheets out (the one underneath was pulled back so that the "front" wasn't level with the one on top), and still could barely move lest I feel cold again after that. It is kind of colder out than normal today, yes, but that doesn't explain why I didn't feel that way during winter.

I have a cake to take to work tonight though, and only about seven minutes left before I have to leave, so I should start getting ready. I'm glad to have worked out the difficulties mentioned above, because I don't want to start off a 3 closes in a row with one where I can't concentrate on my work for all the other stuff on my mind, and I'm looking forward to sharing something other than cookies, so yes. It should be a good night~

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