As for the more serious things I mentioned earlier today, where do I start? With a list, I suppose.
I guess I should say that they aren't quite as bad as before, for two reasons. Just before I go into what those are though, I should also say that one of my problems is / was work. I'm getting tired of it, as mentioned previously, to the point where I just can't do it anymore. Customers are annoying, doing the same thing night after night is even moreso, and I'm sick of it, almost literally. The job pays enough for me to live comfortably in my current arrangement, but pay is a moot point when you feel like walking out not two hours after starting your shift. Regarding what changed it, however, James and Manoah expressing the same sentiment was one. That came about when Manoah was complaining about how he felt so old and tired of working, which is fairly typical for him. Most of the time he says such things to me, I make some candid remark about how I'm older than him, thus he has no reason to complain, and he should stop smoking, etc., but tonight, I told him I had been tired of closing as well, since about the beginning of the week. It actually started on the weekend, to be fair, but I don't consider the exact date particularly relevant. He looked at me in surprise and shock (which may have just been feigned - I really don't know) and asked if I was serious, to which I said yes, then, from down in drive through, James said he felt the same way - that he was tired of closing. So what's with that, then? Obviously something is amiss if all three of us are getting fed up with closing all at once, but what reason could there be for that? I personally want to say it's because of the current time of year. Summer isn't quite over, so it's still busy, and getting more than a single day off in a row in order to have an adequate break is next to impossible. I blame that on severe lack of closers though. In terms of managers, there are Manoah, Laura, Gabby, and Mary, but only one of them can work on a given night, and as for normal, full-time closing staff, there's just Orlando, James, and me. Incidental closers include Trevor, Cheryl, and Brandon, but that's it. I think I recall complaining of this once before, to the effect of how it would be better if I could go back to only working closes again, instead of having a day shift every now and then, so I wouldn't know what I was missing, but for now I'd rather be put on a week or two of days, so I can then be ready and willing to go back on closes. I can't picture Melissa being too enthusiastic about that idea, but there's no way to know without asking. That's item #1 in a nutshell (a large one, to be fair), and item #2 involves a regular customer who apparently used to work there applying for a job again.
The first thing about him doing so that made me think twice was him mentioning that jobs are hard to come by, which I have to assume is true, thus, for as much as I may not like my job at present, I need to step back and notice that I do at least have a job, that pays well by my standards, and which I am able to perform reasonably well at. Some nights may be more difficult or annoying than others, such as the past weekend, but in regards to that, I really need to point out that fatigue played quite a large part in my feelings about those shifts. I was tired, and I hadn't eaten anything since before coming to work, so I was already irritable because of that, and not being able to get a break from orders made it even worse. The second thing he said that made me have a change of heart was actually a conversation he had with Manoah, about how it used to be much busier. Apparently back when he worked there, they were open 24 hours, meaning there were such shifts as 11pm - 7am, simply because they had the business to stay open. Setting aside that I'd jump at the chance to work a shift like that, even if it was just to clean and wash dishes and do prep and everything else that there might not be time for while open, that made me remember that it really was busier before. Being open until 4am didn't seem like a big deal when I first started, but now I'd be really opposed to going back to those hours, because that would mean we were busier, and it seems more than busy enough already.
There are also some other odds and ends of relevance in the same category, such as what I said in my previous entry about how I needed to try to make tonight a good shift instead of just expecting it to be (and then getting annoyed and upset when it wasn't). I will say in addition that it's not always easy to see the night as good when customers won't stop coming, but in cases like that, maybe it would be beneficial to focus on what's already been done, instead of what things you're waiting for a break to catch up on.
I think the best I can say for now though is that I'll give it until January. If things improve by then, good, but if not, I might need to look into moving on, which brings me to my second point of concern.
Not to use the typically rhetorical question, but what am I doing with my life? I am relatively content and comfortable, but at the same time, deeply disturbed about how I still don't have any plans for the future. Mom told me about a cooking class that was or will be held at Coffee Culture down on King Street a while back, and said I would probably be good at that, which I didn't say anything about at the time, but I will say now that I would like to do that. Forget worrying about whether or not I'll have enough money, or whether or not that will conflict with work or going to Heart and Stroke. I think the biggest problem at present would be that said class most likely starts in September, and I'd thus be too late to apply. Should that not work out, what about other options? I remember Career Studies in high school, and the many reports we'd have to do about some random career that a website quiz selected for us, and how it told me that I wouldn't be a very good fit for anything involving working directly with other people. I agreed with it at the time, because I actually loathed that idea, and that's how I ended up going to college for a single year of computer programming before, during which time I skipped out on pretty much all of the networking and strategies for success classes. They just didn't interest me, and looking back now, I realize that's because I don't want a job that involves computers. They're a hobby to me - I use them a lot, and enjoy learning new things pertaining to my interests about them (such as customization) - but not something I'd enjoy having a career in.
On the other hand, cooking - or should I say baking - is an interest, which I've been reluctant to take seriously for a pretty stupid reason. Josh already went to college for that, and to do the same thing myself would make it look like I'm copying him. Also of interest, but less applicable for getting a job related to, is behavioral psychology / science. I truly do like the idea of helping people, or at least working with them in a close, meaningful way, but as I just mentioned, getting a job in that field doesn't seem too likely, at least around here.
For now though, the first step in this category will be to ask Mom tomorrow where she heard of that program, and then see what the deadline for applying is.
Finally, the third item is something I'm quite certain I'll have a hard time writing about, because I haven't even been able to talk to myself about it without getting uncomfortable. I'll probably also want to make this entry protected as a result, but here goes nothing and all that. Unless Mom and Dad are way more understanding than I think they are, they're not willing to have me sit around here forever effectively doing nothing (precious little, to be fair) with my life, and to that end, I'm also starting to feel myself that I can't last here much longer. I need to find a place of my own, and move out. Believe it or not, I think my issues with insecurity and envy might be caused by the very fact that I'm still living at home, even though I'm 26 years old. Consider this, if you will:
I first started spending entire days in my room when my spots were healing, but then continued to do so after that, because it kept me at distance from Mom and Dad, and I was worried if they saw me sitting downstairs playing games or doing something else day in and day out, they'd drop less and less subtle hints about me moving out, and I wasn't ready to think about, let alone deal with that then. The thing about that is how it could be seen as insecurity, and by giving into it and staying in my room for pretty much all of my free time, the issue went unresolved, and just got worse and worse. I'm not entirely sure if that links to the same problems online, because I can see things that bother me now bothering me just as much even if I lived on my own, but at least then I'd have one less problem to worry about, making it easier to deal with.
I think I've just been putting off considering this for far too long, but it needs to happen sooner or later, preferably sooner. Not to sound like I'm procrastinating again either, but I think I might put this out there to Mom and Dad when I feel up to it, but let them know it's something I'd like to look into starting in 2012. I would like the months leading up to Christmas to not be ruined like last year's were, but I'd also like them to know that I am actively thinking about it.
As such, I should have at least one update of interest tomorrow, but other than that, I'm going to use the day as an actual day off. I do have to go to work for a bit, yes, but I plan to stop at the candy store on King Street on the way home to see what they have, at least. After that, the 8GB RAM upgrade for this laptop would be nice, but it's also fairly expensive, and I would like to buy something else that's fairly expensive for Christmas next week, so it wouldn't do to spend $70 unnecessarily right now. On the other hand, between this weekend and next, I'll be working ten shifts, so I might be able to afford both, and if not then, definitely on the pay after next week's, which will be just after Labor Day. I'm going to bed for tonight though, without my alarm set, so hopefully tomorrow goes well all-around, and I should at least have a more coherent version of this entry to post then. I feel better having said what I did, however, so that's good, at least~