Around 2am, when I finished up with the games, but just before I decided to clean and organize the cabinet, I was thinking about coming back upstairs instead, and writing an entry about some more personal things that I keep forgetting to lately. At that moment, it was a good idea because I did still have more than enough time to create the proper feeling and tone for the entry, but now, when there's only fifteen minutes left until 6:00, I wouldn't have enough time to wrte a complete entry, let alone something that's meaningful and important to me. Therefore, I will give it my best effort now, but I'm already tired from not getting a good sleep today (I slept for two hours, woke up and stayed awake for one, then fell back asleep again for another four), so it might be a bit of a stretch to make it an hour later than normal. Without further ado though:
It was about one year, one month ago that things became really screwed up for me. They still are, to an extent, but in the past several months (starting in March or so), I've come to accept what happened, and to forgive the other part(y/ies), moreso just in my mind, as I'm still not able to contact them, for obvious reasons. Looking back, the issue I had that set that whole thing off was taking great joy in having secrets about myself that nobody else was aware of, so I'm trying to move past that these days. There are still things I won't talk about, simply because they're of a private or personal nature, but that's just plain sensibility. One of the things I was fixated upon while I was still working my way out of the depression though was wanting to figure out what made me the way I was. Prior to the very beginning of that incident, I suspected what can be looked up on Wikipedia under "Schizoid Personality Disorder". Throughout the incident, I was hoping my previous suspicion was wrong, and that I was actually afflicted by some form of autism (embarrassing to think about now, but stay with me here), and now that I'm more or less back to being fairly balanced again, I suspect a combination of the two. Some of the things said about Asperger's Syndrome still ring true with me, but it seems pretty obvious that a personality disorder is to blame as well. Not Schizoid, however. I just looked up the page for Avoidant Personality Disorder instead, and many of the signs and symptoms seem to fit me perfectly. I'll go down the list in order:
Hypersensitivity to Rejection / Criticism
Regarding rejection, yes, but it doesn't bother me if I expect it. As for criticism, that definitely shows at work, but again, if I expect to be criticized, it only bothers me for as long as it takes to figure out what I can do to avoid being rejected or criticized in the future.
Self-Imposed Social Isolation
Extreme Shyness or Anxiety in Social Situations, Though the Person Feels a Strong Desire for Relationships
Somewhat yes, somewhat no. To take Dan's birthday as an example, I was positively distraught when his other friends started to arrive, and I wasn't immediately invited to join them in the living room. I'm not shy per se, unless somebody puts me on the spot, and I don't get too anxious unless I'm not left to my own devices (as it were), and not expected to immediately jump in with everybody else.
Avoids Physical Contact Because it Has Been Associated with an Unpleasant or Painful Stimulus
Honestly, I hate it when Mom and Dad purposefully touch me, because they used to only do that when they had something serious and unpleasant (from my point of view) to say. With other people, it's not so bad - I grabbed James' arm at work the other night and held it for a good three seconds as a way of saying "Don't put tomatoes on those fries they aren't supposed to get any - but I will admit to wasting no time in applying some sanitizer after more than just an incidental brush with customers at work.
Avoids Interpersonal Relationships
Yes. As before, I like having a few close friends, but any more than three (I would say four, but I haven't seen George in quite a while), and I'm not interested.
Feelings of Inadequacy
I want to say this is part of what drove me to seriously looking into going back to college, even if only online, or once a week in the evening. It could also be argued that this is why I hate comparing myself to other people - even if they don't intend it, they always come out on top.
Severe Low Self-Esteem
Not sure, really. "Sometimes yes, sometimes no" will work.
When depressed, definitely. I have been to the point of feeling like I'm utterly worthless, and have completely wasted all 26 years of my life thus far, but thankfully I'm not nearly so hard on myself in a normal state of mind.
Mistrust of Others
No more than normal. Trust is something to be earned, but that doesn't mean I distrust all people until they've proven otherwise to me.
Emotional Distancing Related to Intimacy
I don't even fully understand what this one means, therefore I can't properly answer.
Not really. I do get brief periods of it every now and then, but I try not to let such things bother me these days.
Self-Critical About Their Problems Relating to Others
There needs to be a more affirmative response than "Yes", so I can use it for this one. I don't like bringing my problems to others, so it's only natural for me to be self-critical about them while working through whatever is wrong.
Problems in Occupational Functioning
Could this be taken to mean "Problems functioning at work"? If so, then yes, sometimes. I like things in my area to be done a certain way, but that would seem to border on being obsessive-compulsive, so I couldn't say for certain.
Lonely Self-Perception, Although Others May Find the Relationship With Them Meaningful
You'd have to ask the others in order to get a complete response here.
Feeling Inferior to Others
Forget what I said about the self-critical one. This criteria needs a "yesyesyesyesyesyesYES" response. I see feeling inferior as being equal to feeling insecure, and if there's one thing I definitely have issues with, it's insecurity.
In Some More Extreme Cases - Agoraphobia
This does apply to me for the most part, but thus far, I've seen it as the normal way to act. Why wouldn't you avoid a situation or place associated with anxiety? It makes sense, but apparently there are people who don't feel that way, hence it being a phobia.
Utilizes Fantasy as a Form of Escapism and to Interrupt Painful Thoughts
It could be argued that by endless stream of commissions before could fit under this heading. Those allowed me to escape the painful thoughts from insecurity, but the irony is that this just came back to get me in the end, kind of literally. I don't know that i do it so much these days, because I try to deal with problems as they come up, instead of throwing myself into this or that to get away from thinking about whatever else might have happened, but I'd have to catch myself in the act to say for sure.
I also realized something the other night. Back when I was still feeling depressed, and didn't know which way to go for fear that I might become hypomanic again, there were a couple days where I was all about wanting to understand certain things as a means of getting over them. The one person I told that to said getting over those things may be more a matter of accepting them instead, and I would agree to that, but I can't. How can I properly feel better about something if all I'm doing is being ignorant? It just doesn't work, so the thing I realized is that may be the reason the course St. Clair is offering in January on Human Sexuality was of interest to me, and I mean interesting enough that I have every intent to apply for it, even if it means having to explain to Mom and Dad that I'm not a pervert, but intensely curious, rather. One might also argue that I could simply just ask other normal people to explain their view on things to me, but I'd rather not go there. Let me take the course in a classroom, and thus a controlled atmosphere before throwing myself headlong into less... academic accounts. As for the list and things suspected just before that above, that is what I believe right now, so I wonder if it'll change in the future, or actually remain the same?
I now have only ten minutes to go, unfortunately, so I'll just wrap this up here. Anything could be better than sleeping last night - along with not getting a good sleep, I had a positively absurd dream about going to a hotel with Xion, and looking for the vehicle elevator, because apparently they allowed you to park your vehicle in your room. He asked one of the employees, who pointed out where to go, and then, by some coincidence, I heard an elevator-like bell sound from far off, and we went over to investigate, but somehow wound up in our room instead, which was big, completely unfurnished, and filled with garbage. Following that scene, I woke up, and uttered a few words to myself, which went something like "You don't have a car, Xion... You don't even bloody drive!", considered that for a moment, and went back to sleep. As for the bit about being awake for an hour, I found and applied a new Windows 7 visual style last night, but it didn't work properly. I'm not sure why, but it seems to be incompatible with Windows' aero effects, so hovering over an item in the taskbar to get the aero peek preview and pressing ALT-TAB both made my laptop freeze. It's a shame too, because the visual style (here) looks amazing. I'm just not sure what could be done to fix it. There's no time for that tonight though, as I now have only four minutes. Well, three now, which means two and one are soon to come~