Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

I'm Really Trying, But...

So once again I find myself unable to write about that which I said I would on the date that I previously specified. Is it surprising? Not really, but in attempt to approach the topic a different way, I started asking myself what / who I am, and what makes me me today, as a result of events over the past year. At first, it seemed like a genuinely interesting question, but the problem is, I can't come up with any answers. Is this what depersonalization is? Literally, it's like I don't want to define what characteristics and traits make me who I am, so I won't be upset if and when I see somebody else manifesting one or more of those things in themselves in the future. Alternately, that could be looked at from a point of view of "I don't need labels to define who I am", which came up a little while ago when I was discussing religion with Dan, but that seems like a convenient way to gloss over the original question. Thinking about answers did of course lead me over to Avoidant Personality Disorder on Wikipedia again, and it still seems almost point-for-point accurate to me, but it feels meaningless to not be able to back that up with anything else. Overall, regarding everything that has happened from the beginning of October last year to this point right now, I am content. I did everything I could to resolve that situation to my satisfaction - to try and exonerate myself from feeling overwhelmingly guilty about what my insecurity had led to, and in that, I think I was successful. I may not be on par with the other person, but there's no reason for that. We're as separate as can be now, and that is all I could ask for, considering things said and done back then. If I had to choose one thing that happened back then as the biggest contributor to who I am now, it would be no longer taking glee in having secrets and there being things about me that nobody else knew. It used to be that I defined myself by those secrets, but if anything, well, I'm not sure how to best describe myself these days. I wonder...

Could depersonalization be defined as when you refuse to define yourself, in any specific way, so as to not be affected by if and when you see somebody else manifesting those things in themselves in the future? That's exactly how I am now. I am me (obviously), but I don't define myself as being anything in particular. That could definitely be why I wasn't able to answer my question to myself earlier, now that I think about it. This overall feels like a better state of mind to be in, but I'm not sure what else to say about it, probably because if I did, I would essentially be defining myself as being beyond definition, which is no good for reasons outlined above. Therefore, I will move on to something else that I am considering. I currently have two commissions in progress with Jiis, and at least one more slot to fill after that, but I'm wondering if it's really worth it to keep this up right until the end. She's been completely friendly and accommodating for the year and a half (or so) thus far, but I simply just no longer want the art. Not until / unless I think of something I actually want a picture done of. I suppose on those grounds, I could maintain a monthly check-in for progress, but otherwise not rush her. On the same topic, I left feedback and sent one last email to the artist mentioned in my previous entry, so my goal to be completely done with commissions until further notice is ever so slightly closer than it was before. I'd really like my hundred dollars back from that person, alas, the odds of them responding are unlikely enough, let alone those of them being able to give me a refund. I guess that's just how it goes, but I'm still going to keep my fingers crossed.

As for more typical news, I'd call this another fairly successful day. It's a couple minutes before 6 in the morning right now, and I don't particularly regret doing anything, nor do I wish I'd set aside more time for any activity. I played Metroid Prime up to where the next thing I have to do is go find the Grappling Hook, which lasted until ~10pm, after which I went upstairs to enjoy the rest of my snacks, watch a few more episodes of Ghost Adventures, and generally just relax. The last episode I watched was titled "Return to Bobby Mackey's", and was definitely quite unsettling, but I must be becoming desensitized to the show (and others like it) now, because as frightening as it was, I'm not afraid to get up and open my door, for fear of what I might find lurking about in the hallway, or such else, which, compared to how I felt before, is a significant change. As for the idea of there being that little-seen side of existence, it is definitely eye-opening, but watching it on a screen, and after the fact, at that, is way different than turning out all the lights here, and walking around the entire house asking things like "If anyone is here, can you make a noise to show me your presence?" I could probably get that far with manageable difficulties, but I'm not yet sure how I'd react if I got a response. The show itself is enthralling, and as I just said, the almost certain evidence that there is more to existence than just physical life is shocking (in a good way), but I've yet to overcome my fear of the unknown.

Aside from that, I am absolutely not ready for tomorrow. Also, if I'm woken up by people working next door again, I will be highly upset. That's two things to hope work out in my favor, and that also looks like a good place to be done for tonight. I'm starting to get tired anyway~

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