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Planning to Return Already

I haven't even fully packed my things up yet, and Dan and I have already been discussing the possibility of me coming back for a bit about halfway through February. He is having a party on the 18th (from how he's described it thus far, I assume "party" is more along the lines of "furmeet" this time, which is okay), and would like to have me, so I can bake some cookies and possibly other treats, which I would love to do, so what are my intentions? To ask for the 17th, 18th, and 19th off, without explaining to Melissa that I want to go to Toronto again then. That way, I'll still be back before Monday, to go to my night course then, and can have something more to look forward to than the possibility of coming back for another span of days surrounding Dan's birthday. He did make sure to tell me that he doesn't want me to think I have to make plans to visit every time he asks me to, but the simple fact of the matter is that I genuinely like being here. I don't yet feel like I can completely be myself yet, but compared to how I interacted with people in London, I am quite literally a different person here. All I can see really needing to work on right now is getting used to being in close proximity to Xion and Chris enough to be able to joke around with them as I do Dan. Thus far, I don't much do that with Chris, and I only reference the numerous times that I think he's considering smacking Dan to Xion. Hell, I'm going into the same stage with him as I did with Dan before. I sent him an email before going to bed on Tuesday (technically Wednesday) about my thoughts on plans for Wednesday, in light of some problems that had come up the afternoon before, and just prior to leaving for the zoo today, I wrote a note out on a piece of paper thanking him for his hospitality and friendship, and wishing him luck with meeting Chris's grandparents, but he hasn't said anything about it. Even with Dan though, I'm glad that I'm pushing myself to actually talk to him instead of just sending emails or leaving notes or whatever, but that still takes alot of effort That reminds me of something I was thinking about while we were watching Brother Bear earlier, which isn't really relevant to anything I've mentioned thus far, but is still interesting.

I find, or was finding that I enjoy fantasizing about what I would do if certain bad events that have happened in the past were to repeat themselves. For example, there was that movie we watched the first time which I still can't stand the thought of, which was on my mind tonight because the sequel was right in my face at several of the places we went to after the zoo today. Therefore, the question I was considering while watching Brother Bear was "What would I do if somebody were to put that movie on again?" I'd probably get up, trying to be nonchalant about it, then go back to the bedroom, get some proper clothes on if necessary, and make a hasty exit out of the apartment, ignoring anybody asking me where I was headed as I went. From there, I would take either the stairs or elevator up to the penthouse (most likely the elevator because it's faster, even though I don't like them, which came up a couple nights ago), then head into the stairwell if I wasn't already there, and walk up the last couple flights of stairs, then sit down next to the door to the roof, and let whatever panic or anxiety or anything else I was feeling run its course. I would probably sit there for at least an hour (so it would be a good idea to grab my PSP before leaving the apartment), and head back once I thought the movie was over, assuming somebody didn't come looking for me, then go straight to bed, and wait to see if anybody would ask what was wrong. I do absolutely fancy the idea of somebody running out after me, but that would be nice to do. It actually did happen in a slightly different sense back on Tuesday night. I was out in the kitchen making a batch of biscuits, when, from out in the living room, I heard sounds of another movie, directly related to that one which I do not like. I did my best to deal with / ignore it until the biscuits were finished, which I managed, then put some on a plate for myself, grabbed a can of pop, walked out into the entryway, told both of them that the biscuits were ready, and went back into Dan's room / the bedroom to enjoy my slight panic attack and try to calm myself down. Xion eventually came back to do something in his room, and asked why I was back there on my own, saying that I didn't have to be, and Dan poked his head in a little while after that but didn't say anything either, and about an hour after that, I was feeling better, so I went back out into the living room, and carried on as best as I could. It is annoying that Dan doesn't seem to remember me telling him how the movie we watched the first time made me feel, but it's better to isolate myself and find a distraction, instead of playing along, and not bringing up my regrets until later. I know it's only a matter of time until I do get angry about something here and can't keep it contained, but until then, I'll continue to fantasize, because strangely enough, it feels good.

Moving on from that, what else could I mention? I obviously don't want to leave tomorrow, but all things considered, it's probably better that I am. I'm sitting out in the living room right now, pretty much directly in the center of the couch, and it's interesting to look up and around and think that I have literally lived here for the past ten days. It's hard to believe this is the same place that - the first time I visited - I found myself thinking "This is my home for the next five days?" about. Part of the problem back then was that it was still new to me, but really, it's amazing what difference simple familiarity can make. What seemed like cramped quarters back then seems spacious and roomy now. What seemed like a confusing and downright unnavigable transit system the first time I visited now seems simple and straightforward. If you asked me to get to the zoo on my own, I could. If somebody needed to know how to get to either Cloverdale or Sherway Mall, I could help them out. On the way home from the zoo today, both Dan and I nodded off on the subway, and instead of panicking and wondering if I should wake him up so we wouldn't miss our stop like I did before, I only asked if he was still up for going to browse around Sherway Mall once we got to the Royal York station. I probably shouldn't get too confident, because being able to navigate a small portion of the transit lines is nowhere near the same as knowing how to get anywhere that isn't south / southwest / southeast of the apartment building on foot, but having that knowledge is nice. On the other hand, Dan said I failed at the subway, because I careened around into somebody else on it when the car shook unexpectedly.

On that note, I think it's time to go to bed, but not before tidying up for the last time, unless it needs to be done again tomorrow. Dan has this really pleasing way of saying "Wow!" (it sounds like "Whaaoh!") "You washed all the dishes and put them away! We should keep you!" (there's something about the way he says it) which would be nice to hear again tomorrow, but more than that, I want to help as much as I can, even though by this time tomorrow, I'll be at home. It'll be nice to get back there, because Christmas is extremely close now, but four times coming here in the span of a year and still wanting more is really an amazing thing to feel. Or maybe it's just me, but I could definitely live with that <3

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