Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

Now I'm Getting Frustrated

Four times this froze before I went to bed last night, once in the middle of a song in StepMania, twice while I was watching a movie, which I fully expected after the first time, and once more literally at the very end of downloading what I hoped would be the proper video card driver, because I can't find it anywhere else. Even the installer I have for it on my reinstallation partition is apparently wrong, because Windows identifies it as an ATI Mobility Radeon HD 4200, whereas the driver is for 4250. I suppose the hard drive could be going, but the only problem I have is with random freezes. Everything else is still working fine (at the moment) otherwise, meaning no errors with file operations or that sort of thing, and it is still acting the same as before, so I'm at a loss. It seems to work fine so long as I'm not doing too much, but unfortunately, "too much" is more or less anything that I used to do with it. I suppose I'll manage the best I can for now, and if it's still an issue at this time next week, I'll take some money from my savings account and go out to Future Shop, but I am currently absolutely opposed to that, because I still haven't put nearly as much back in there as I should have. Frustrations don't start and end with computer related things though. There are a couple other matters that have me just as distracted.

The first starts with talking to people online in general over the past couple days. Back on Thursday, I think, I showed Dan that post I found on here where somebody said that they have Asperger Syndrome, which causes them to take things seriously, as a possible explanation for something that happened the very first time I went there (to Toronto). I felt that the logic was sound, but instead of that topic being done just there, we got into this expanded conversation, wherein he assumed that because I had shown that link, I was trying to say that I actually had that disorder myself, then commented that "if you are autistic, it's not very much", which I took kind of the wrong way, not because I still really want that to be true of myself, but because it it or was one of the more reasonable candidates for explaining how I am. Then, however, he kind of took that back by also saying that I had "acted rather like someone with Asperger when talking with the author [of that story]", because it was "just impossible for [me] to let go". So apparently I either am or am not, which leaves me about where I was before, but what really bothers me about that conversation is how it started with me just wanting to tell him "I thought of this just recently, and it seems to make sense. What do you think?", and turned into a big complicated issue where I was trying to explain how I felt, and asking if he understood, and getting frustrated that he wasn't responding to the things I wanted answers to, and just nothing good. Then it happened again a couple days after that, when I showed him this page on Twitter, and said that I found it funny how people knew things about me that I didn't know about myself (namely that I have (cat) girlfriend). At first, I envisioned that conversation as not going much further than that, but no, as with the other, it blew up into where, at one point, I thought he was telling me that I was a hypocrite for wanting to maintain some separation between myself and other people, even though the things I do directly act against that. To put it as briefly as I can manage, without using examples, it literally is taking things seriously, as brought up in a previous entry, in the form of that without other cues (such as smilies online, or tone of voice in real life), I automatically assume that the other person feels the same way I do - serious, in that case. If there's one thing that's interesting about it though, it's how that gives me the answer to why I don't have very much to say to any of them (Dan, Xion, and Chris) unless there's something on my mind. If I try to have a casual conversation, I'll either end up at a loss for words, or will embarrass myself. Also, according to Dan, he found that page a while ago, and was going to show me, but forgot. Assuming that's true, right. It definitely proves that I have some of the separation that I want, but there's something about everybody else (figuratively) knowing these things that are said about me before I do.

Continuing on, wanting to check again for myself, both before going to bed, and shortly after I woke up this morning, I took the same test I did before about Asperger Syndrome, and the results have been... unsettling, at best. The first time, I got ~120/~80, and the second, ~100/~100, meaning that I still might be looking in the wrong direction, and I hate that. Again, it's not that I'm personally invested in wanting that to apply to me, but at the moment, I don't have any other options to consider. Personality disorder? Still a possibility, yes, but why does it keep changing, and because it's changing, does that mean that this is still all just an act - that I'm effectively lying to myself in order to believe that I'm something I'm not? For that matter, why can't I just be happy being me, without having to find the specific reasons?

I'm not content to just sit here wondering for the rest of the day though. For now, I think it would be best to try pushing my laptop a bit again, to see if there are any specific programs that cause Windows to freeze. It hasn't since I started writing this, but who knows what'll happen when I open KMPlayer...

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