Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

An Important Distinction to Make

Once again, it looks like the partial entry I still have a draft of saved from last night won't be used. I am in a reasonably different state of mind now, and reading over what I wrote so far, I can't remember where I was going. For the sake of interest though, I was writing about that movie I've been dancing around lately, because I was in quite a funk about it for a good three hours at work yesterday night, but upon giving it proper, clear-minded consideration today, I started to find similarities between how I ended up needing to feel about those stories that gave me trouble before, and what the best course of action will be this time around, where the point of concern is a movie. That is to say that instead of concentrating solely on not liking it, and why, I need to do what I can to understand everything about the situation, without doing anything to make it worse. Even that doesn't fully encompass what I'm thinking of, but I can't just say "I don't like it for these reasons, and that's all that matters", because without validation from other people, that statement won't mean anything, and I don't want to put myself into a state of seeking validation, because that would create a never-ending loop of needing to go back again and again and again for the same. Instead, it would both work better, and would suit how I want to be to try and understand the movie, bad parts included. It's not an easy process, because it's only natural to absolutely abhor seeing something personally meaningful to onesself mercilessly destroyed, but to entertain those thoughts just goes back to what I want to avoid. I don't have to take anything seriously that I don't want to, but the problem there is that I've yet to find the switch, not to mention that to find the ability to not see anything as serious would be to become completely internalized, and I've tried that once before, with fairly disastrous results. That said, it's a process. I still feel moderate spikes of anxiety when I think about that movie, but what feels worse is to know there are an order of magnitude more people out there who don't mind it, which makes me as if I'm broken in some way, and too shortsighted and insecure to function as normal people do.

In more normal news though, I've done pretty awfully with money today. Much to my delight, I apparently worked enough in the past two weeks to earn ~$500, which increased my chequing account balance to only a couple cents over $700. Instead of just being happy with that though, I jumped ahead to transferring $80 of that back to my savings account, on the assumption that Manoah would pay me back for the money I owed him last week, but he had today off, so he wasn't there at all, and I spent over $60 on groceries. Well, mostly groceries, but also two cute storage boxes with foxes on them, and new bottles of shampoo and conditioner, altogether meaning that I have only about $20 left. I'm already resigned to the notion that I won't be above my old limit by the time February 16th arrives, but it's depressing all the same. Assuming Manoah gives me $80 tomorrow, that is what will keep me going for the next two weeks (that, and all the snacks I bought at Real Canadian Superstore), and if need be, I might ask Dad if he'd be willing to wait until the second pay of February for his money, as he agreed to that before, and the specific date would be the 23rd, which is when I head back home again. Also, related, I am further toying with the idea of selling off some belongings that I no longer have use for, both to get a bit more money, and to clear some space, but it's still little more than an idea.

Aside from that, the only other interesting thing I can think of right now is that I'm still a horrible liar, at least as far as my actions go. Sleeping in past the normal time continues to happen, even though I don't want it to, but as of today, I've decided to stop worrying. Reason would indicate that this is probably happening for a reason other than that I'm just lazy, as I consistently wake up just before 4pm, so I'm going to let it carry on for as long as the next week, and if it's still happening then, I will take more significant measures - blocking out my windows, using multiple alarms, and showering just before bedtime, for example - to set things right again. Also, it's been a couple days since I said I was going to reinstall Windows 7, but have I yet? No. I was really thinking of doing so tonight, and had everything backed up and ready to go at 10:00, but then I decided that I really didn't want to go through all of that setup, customization, and configuration again, so here I am, writing this instead of doing that, and hoping to finish before midnight, because I don't want to technically miss another day. If and when Windows bluescreens again, I may rush through everything out of frustration, and clean up as I go throughout the days afterward, but it's been fine for almost four days thus far. What I would like to do tonight though is work on fiddling with a new theme for my LiveJournal here. Green, pink, and white (and a little bit of blue) Refried Paper will always be my default / fallback, but it's nice to experiment. The first problem to solve is finding a theme similar to the one I want to copy, but which is built in CSS instead of tables. The latter is much easier to customize...

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