Karadur Inacu  (karadur) wrote,
Karadur Inacu 

That Could've Gone Better

What an exhausting night this has been, which is a surprise, considering how I felt rested and relaxed moreso than normal when I woke up today. I was fine right up until I got to work, but there, by some annoying coincidence, less than a minute after I walked in, I heard Manoah call out "Bye George!" and wave down toward the drive through window. Then through the windows in the dining room, I saw a red car pull out of the driveway, turn to the left, and motor off in the direction he lives, which just completely ruined my. I wasn't actually distraught or anything, but I was really pissed off. How could he have the time to come through and get food, but not respond to my email? Is it selfish of me to feel that way? I sort of feel like the answer is yes, because it would silly to expect his life to revolve around me, but we've been trying to set this up where he comes over for at least a week now, so you'd think that oh, yeah, he'd let me know if he's available or not, on the day I most recently asked him about, which then makes me think that maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he's just taking advantage of me by getting me to download stuff for his family, because I certainly feel that Brandon is as well. I gave him those concert tickets at work tonight, and I swear the only thing he said was "Thanks", and only in an "I'm obligated to say this, but don't really mean it" done of voice. In his defense though, nearly everybody seemed more subdued toward me than usual tonight. Brandon wasn't all that talkative, as I already said, while Laura did say a bit to me, but only in the form of questions and statements directly related to tonight's work, and Manoah, while plenty chatty with her, said not a word to me for the first ~3 hours of our shift. Not that I minded, because there were very few customers for those three hours, so it was just me, my thoughts, and dishes at the back, which is truly a soothing combination, so long as my thoughts don't cause more than a small amount of agitation, anxiety, anger, and so on. It's coincidental how we were talking about roughly the same thing at St. Clair last night - preferring to do things on one's own versus having somebody else to talk to. Apparently it's uncommon to talk to onesself, but I certainly do, and unless I'm in any state of mind other than the one previously described, that - and possibly some music - is all I need to get me through the night.

I'm home from work now though, where it appears something I didn't fully realize earlier is that while it felt as if I got enough sleep, I didn't. Maybe that dream last night was really that realistic. There's a certain thread of logic to saying that being awake in a dream could, in proper circumstances, fool one's brain into thinking that you're actually awake (sort of like reverse sleep paralysis, I imagine), but as that's only a theory, I find myself at a quandary. On one hand, I'd like to have another dream of the same sort tonight, to see where it takes me (I was thinking earlier that it would be really interesting if I could piece together a workable map of my dream world, assuming it remains consistent), but on the other, it would be equally, if not perhaps a bit more relaxing to fall asleep, and not have any dreams, then wake up at a reasonable time, feeling like I did before. I wish there was a way to capture that feeling of waking up to a different time and place. At any rate, tomorrow is another where I can't think of anything specific that is going on. Aside from having to work, it would be nice to be able to come up with a general outline for my report on culture. I am immensely frustrated at being forced into having to use a specific style of writing - one which I am not familiar with, at that - but part of me says that this is the first assignment to write a report that we were given, in a basic psychology course, at that, so it would be fair not to expect the teacher to be too critical in ensuring that everything appears to the APA's guidelines. Why can't I just write a report as I'm writing this entry now? Even if I could, I wouldn't be able to do anything without knowing what I want to write about, and in what order. Research is only the beginning, it seems. There is at least one good thing I can say though, being that I received a reply from the email I sent to our teacher confirming that we can use information found with Google Scholar as one or more scholarly resources. She also added that I should contact the registrar's office at St. Clair to ask why I can't access the resource we were instructed to use, because it may be required for further assignments. Always complications, but in this case, there's more than just one which have me in this state.

Is there anything else good I can say of today? It's not like it's been really bad - things started out well, and went downhill, but everything feels so, well, in a single word, insignificant, in that most of what I'm waiting for happens next week - the release of Tales of the Abyss, being done the first portion of my night course, going to Toronto - and all this week holds is being paid. Maybe it's just for the best that I take my pessimistic self to bed, but before I go, I would like to note that I'm aware these feelings will probably pass in a few days, and that a majority of this entry may have been unnecessary as such, but I'm trying something different. Instead of trying to put a positive spin on being dour, I'll be and write however i feel until things sort themselves out, not to mention that when I'm able to drop that facade, avoiding entries that are a stale recollection of the past day's events is easier. Should I write anything tomorrow afternoon, it won't be until I've written at least a page of my report, so maybe there will be that to discuss, but we'll see. Most important is that George responds to my email, and I'd rather see about that in the afternoon, than wait up all night~

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